All Alone

You'll be fine sectmaster I believe in you….and he left.

He's already gone now.

WTF.

Partings are supposed to be emotional.

In movies the mentor character usually dies a tragic death.

Here he just went …I'm out.

Is it because he only taught me to barbecue and a few miscellaneous things?

Being a half-mentor saved him from a dramatic exit?

Let's consider him a friend character.

There should at least be sad music playing with touching dialogues.

There is none of that. Just an awkward farewell.

Me standing here in this gloom ass forest being confused as fuck.

But seriously, why is he leaving?

Will I ever know?

Is it some sort of profound backstory with sinister forces at play?

Did he just get tired of my shit?

And by that, I mean maybe he got tired of playing fake cultist for the unnamed god bullshit.

But then that shouldn't be it.

Even I don't take that joke seriously.

Hum….

Guess there is one thing left to do!

Investigate …not.

He did say categorically that he wanted to be left alone.

He doesn't owe me anything.

If anything, he's already done plenty.

He guided me here.

He shared his knowledge.

He helped me train my resistance.

He encouraged me when I was feeling down.

He cooked me delicious meals.

Now that I think about it, I really need him.

But he's already gone.

I have a scouting ability but that's it.

It's not omnipotent.

*Sigh*

I feel like shit.

Mostly confused.

But like shit, nonetheless.

*Sigh*

They say you only realize what you had once you've lost it.

How fucking true.

This is the first time I actually end up alone since coming here.

At first, I was overwhelmed by the god realm.

By the tiny portion I saw of it anyway.

Then I visited the Moon Keep and everything was so hectic.

Between the rough beginning, the training and Luna's company I was plenty busy.

There I could also interact with all kind of people.

The ever kind Grey.

The boisterous sectmaster.

The straightforward Eagle.

The mysterious warden.

I left all that bustle behind.

I'm especially missing Luna.

But even when I left, I wasn't alone.

I had the company of a nameless wanderer.

Even now I'm addressing him like that.

I never actually asked his name.

Kinda silly when I think about it.

I'm starting to tear up.

Well it doesn't matter. Not now anymore.

It's easy to get swept up in the current when with others.

To forget all your worries and just go with the flow.

But the thing is.

When all the bustle and excitement is gone.

When at the end of the day you are back alone.

That's when your thoughts start to wander.

When you realize how easy you've had it all.

Going from one point to another with enthusiasm.

Gets harder once the warmth of others goes away.

The challenges of life seem insignificant with others to share the burden.

But now it's just me.

Me and me alone.

I don't know why it suddenly hits me.

Why now?

I don't know.

But I do know that I feel insignificant.

At this single moment.

And lost.

Oh, so fucking lost.

I'm not from this world, that I know.

I don't remember much of my past.

Just this random weird-ass knowledge that pops up in my head.

Just a nobody getting summoned by the whims of a selfish goddess.

If only it was that simple.

I'm a fucking mistake.

Passerby A that got summoned with the hero.

Some isekai bullshit.

It all seems so easy.

Get summoned, meet the support characters and help them defeat an evil enemy.

There is no way life is that easy.

I don't believe in pure goodness nor do I believe in pure evil.

I don't believe in much of anything to be honest.

I don't believe in myself sometimes.

I don't believe in this world.

A world where mortals are at the mercy of gods.

A world where the only meaning is to dominate.

To bring glory to some entity.

Some fucking bullshit entity.

I don't believe in it.

I choose not to.

But what is my place in such a world?

I have no purpose.

I have no mission.

I feel lost.

Most of all I feel lonely.

Oh, so fucking lonely.

Are there others that reject this world?

A world I know close to nothing about.

A world I want to forsake.

I'm alone now.

He left me.

But then again so what if I have no purpose.

When I think about it, I can do whatever the fuck I want.

But what do I want?

There is no predestined plot to control my destiny.

Free-will is equally appealing as it is scary.

I get the allure of having your whole life predetermined.

Of following some god high up.

No need to make any choice.

No need to suffer any stress.

For your life isn't yours anymore.

I want to reject this.

But I'm apprehensive.

All I know is I don't belong to this world.

The fear of the unknown is ingrained in humans.

What do I do?

I'm confused, lost and lonely.

*Sigh*

I could live the rest of my life here.

In this forest.

Never to step outside.

I could valiantly brave the outer world.

I could end up extremely disappointed too.

I could end my life and hope to reincarnate.

I could give up and follow a higher being,

There are endless possibilities.

And endless uncertainties.

Why didn't I share all these doubts when I had the chance?

Because I was too blinded by happiness to care.

Because I was comfortable in the status quo.

Because staying here felt appealing.

Because leaving felt appealing.

Because going against the world felt appealing.

It all felt appealing.

Because I wasn't alone.

No matter what happened I would have been fine.

At the end of the day I would have come home.

All battered up.

Close to death.

And I would have had a friend to share a meal with.

To train with until I was ready to face any danger.

To reassure me that my presence in this world isn't meaningless.

In this world that seems dreamed up by a mental patient.

Maybe I'm the one that's crazy.

I don't mind being insane.

I just mind the loneliness.

*Sigh*

I just want to take a nap and forget it all.

****

Something brings me out of my reverie.

Wolfie.

Tugging at what remains of my clothes.

Asking me to pet it.

I guess I'm not alone after all. ｡ﾟ ( ﾟ^_^ﾟ)ﾟ｡

That's the last conscious thought I have before succumbing to exhaustion.