CHAPTER 21: Beautifully Scared

BELLA POV

Today was the D-Day for the stage A shoots. For the record, I don't like Ho-Seok's attitude all through these shoot practices. The way he bore himself, always carrying himself like he was fucking proud of his achievement, and the way Kingsley praises him is annoyingly intolerant.

I don't know if I'm reading too much meaning or if was my subconsciousness judging me, and blocking my way of viewing things. That guy is mad at everything I do. Like everything I do irritates him, if not he was business minded, I thought he didn't even want me ten meters closer to him. For someone I would be working together for the next month, sure felt like my presence repulsed him.

I don't know why this whole Ho-Seok issue bothered me so much. What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I even give a shit about that selfish asshole? Why? It was just history, everything we had was just history. He is now a stranger to me and a stranger he would always be. Why should I even care about his opinion of me?

The truth that had always hurt me was that I could not turn back time. There were certain things that needed adjustment and some that needed to be erased in my life, and I strongly believe a rewind of time would help a lot. First, when I would wake up from my slumber and behold the new beginning, my future waiting for me; a life-changing twist of fate that would break me later. Then, what should I do in such situations?

I wanted to go back or simply experience being alive and free again. To be the one who doesn't worry often, the one who sees a lot of dreams and is willing to achieve them. The once passionate and non-scared soul.

Now life has happened again. One moment I felt great, and the next moment I was broken and shattered. And why did the universe vow to replay my pasts like a fucking cinematic orchestra?

I missed the days when I was me, but now it is hard to find a room for myself because I easily get distracted. I'm being reminded of my shitty past. Life has confronted me with my past.

You know the scariest moment is always just before the start, and now I have less than a few hours to either make it or break it. I felt my throat tighten on what today holds for me. You know that saying that goes like, never ask the universe questions you don't want answers because it turns out they could, in fact, get a lot fucking worse.

Sitting in my dressing mirror, I had a lot to ask the universe, but I couldn't. My heart was a frantic drumbeat in my chest, my stomach a storm of nausea. I drummed my fingers on the polished wood table, staring at the mirror, I flashed back every year, remembering and reminiscing; though I wanted to forget.

My past, the entire situation, I could feel it in the tenseness of my stomach. Ho-Seok shattered my world that day at K25, I hated the memory of that conversation and the way his words had soaked into the walls of my membrane. They hurtfully whispered to me every time I walked down the hallways, my office, the practice room, bedroom, kitchen, and even in my own private space They kept taunting me, twisting my pasts into new truth.

"Don't ever think I have forgiven you for ruining me, for your own safety, Bella.....I hope you play far away from me, very far away...And I really hope you disappear from my life."

Shit! Pain rippled through my head and I pressed my fingers on my forehead, trying to sort Ho-Seok's words and my painful memories. I felt crazy like nothing in my life was real and I had dreamed it all. But it was real, all was fucking real....Becky, Yejin, My years in Seoul, Ho-Seok, Ji-Min, Lee Jaeyoung........Stop. Don't go there...

Oh God, I was feeling everything, my broken wailing soul, the panic overriding my senses. And you know what's funny about pain? There was never really that moment when it just stopped. It kept drumming.

I had thought about death a lot, particularly today, considering I am just a few hours away to go facing my past, I'm on the verge of a breakdown. If Ho-Seok tried and open his mouth and spilled something as simple as "BELLA" Bhoom!!! I'm done with my career, my happiness, everything I had worked for. Cause where in the world would I have the strength to explain to such a huge crew, friends, Label Executives, fans, and other brands I was endorsed under who the fuck was Rashford Isabella.

I might choose to lie about it being my other name but knowing about Kingsley's Stockholm syndrome, he would want to know the whole Bella's story.

Oh God, please. Not today. I facepalmed aggravatingly.

Bright sunlight pierced through my flowered curtain, and it almost felt mocking. Like the universe knows my gloomy state but chooses to mock me instead. It would never be wrong to work with Ho-Seok, but the sensation of fear resurfaces memories better left buried.

"Kathryn."I was startled and almost knocked out the make-up kits.

"Are you okay? Kayla's eyes widened curiously."Yep." I plastered a small smile.

"You've been staring into space for the past 20 minutes. I called you three times and you didn't answer." She creased her brows.

"I just spaced out... Thinking of how the shoots will be." God, I was saying anything at this point. Kayla doesn't know anything about Ho-Seok and my horrible past, and I wasn't going to waste any drop of energy to discuss that.

Oh, she wasn't buying it. Her looks say it all.

"The Kathryn I know never bothered when she signed a deal with Fay Klein as their house ambassador." She folds her arms. Okay, that was some observation and that was super creepy.

She tilted her head, her cat-like brown eyes narrowing me. As a make-up artist, Kayla was always glued to her works, but she was more observant than people gave her credit for. Taking care of Ha-na 's school run, and some basic housekeeping.

A spark of suspicion remained in Kayla's eyes. "Babe, I'm fine " I pinched her cheek coyly, then upped the wattage of my smile.

"You've been acting strange for the past weeks now." She waved her hand in the air and flashed me a suspicious grin while pointing her makeup brush at me.

I squeaked teasingly, not wanting to be a downer despite the melancholia gripping me. I have no issues turning to my friends for advice, neither telling them what had happened nor keeping them alert about what could happen. There was no point instigating fears into them. And there was no point in getting them worked up over something that had already happened.

I closed my eyes as Kayla set to add extra beauty to my face. The finishing touches. I decided to not think too much again. Not going to make a mountain out of a molehill even though the chances of Ho-Seok snitching on me were slim. Maybe getting back at me would be his defense mechanism.

Dammit! I bit back the words. Angry at my conscience, which reared its head at the worst time. Angry at Ho-Seok for just existing, angry at a certain someone. Fate liked to screw with me, and it had never screwed me over harder than when it introduced a certain devil into my life. I released my breath in one long, slow sigh. One thing is certain, this shoot won't end well. That's for sure.