CHAPTER 19: Helpless Not Hopeless

BELLA POV

In my two months of working as a K25 new signee, I began to notice some changes in my body, it all started as constant vomiting, tiredness, lack of appetite, and weakness in my whole system that comes with lazily sleeping everywhere.

I realized I couldn't stomach anything and I have been having a fever non-stop, even Juana and Kayla noticed my sickly mood.

"This sickness is looking like something huge." Juana had teased me the night she came back and bought sharwama my favorite and I refused, a nauseous feeling overpowered me, only to ended up throwing up in the bathroom.

"When was the last time you had your period? Kayla had asked and I playfully shush her up, reminding her I was just having a change of environmental ailments.

I didn't tell them I moved to Canada from Korea, they asked me countless questions about which race I came from and I ended up telling them I'm mixed, I refused to open up more about me or my past since it's full of painful and regretful memories.

One faithful day, I was working out on a new choreography in the company when I collapsed and was rushed to the hospital and the doctor confirmed I was pregnant.

I saw my world tearing apart right there before me. Every painful thing that happened to me back in Korea came hunting me as I cursed the day I was born. It was like the universe was working extra hard to see that I never got to smile again.

How can a lonely girl who was just coming out of a relationship that almost claimed my life has a baby, who will I cry to?

Is this the end for me, I thought as I sat on the toilet seat all day, debating on my life. Is this a new Hope for me? Are the angels pitying my life and decided to send a bundle of joy my way just to encourage me never to give up and keep going?

Should I go back to my Ex? However, remembering Jaeyoung's deadly warning made me swallow every gut in me. If I must survive and keep myself safe, then I need to hide myself, especially from Jaeyoung. He doesn't need to know I'm pregnant after what I passed through in his hands. I need to keep myself and my baby safe but where will I start, though I have money that was just to help me stand back on my feet and not for taking care of another life.

I let the tears run down my cheeks. The situation I found myself in was heartbreaking, I let myself drown in my miserable life, my life was broken and it might never be the same again.

I walked inside the room, sad, weary, and looking pale like a ghost, Juana and Kayla pulled me into a hug, reassuring me that whatever decision I choose to make with my pregnancy, they will be there for me.

The night wasn't how it used to be as I was drowned in my miserable thoughts about how I would be able to fight for my career whilst still having my baby knowing how some records label works.

It wasn't as easy as it seems and knowing the responsibilities that come with having a baby. Maybe abortion will be okay, I thought but immediately cancel that thought.

I stared at the marriage certificate between me and Lee Jaeyoung, my tears streaming freely down my cheeks as I picked it up. I don't deserve what is happening to me but who am I and what power do I have to decide what should happen to me?

Just what power do I have to tell life and the universe how they should treat me?

I angrily started rumbling the marriage certificate, frustratingly folding it whilst swearing and cursing at Jaeyoung, but remembering who Jaeyoung was, I bet and understood he wasn't the type of man to be messed with, so I quickly started straightening back the certificate, and when I was done; I opened my drawer and brought out a file and regretfully place the marriage certificate back.

I am still Mrs Jaeyoung Lee, I can't deny that. This is my fate.

I stared at my stomach, regret washed over me as tears streamed down my face. Pregnant. That was the only evidence I have to show of my life in Korea. No matter what happens, I won't take an innocent soul. Never. I will carry this pregnancy, grace this world with this precious jewel and make life understand that Yes; I am a strong woman because I brought life to mankind.

I touched my stomach that night and made up my mind to keep my baby despite what might happen.

I was given a chance for a reason and I won't blow away this precious chance.

I will prove Jaeyoung and Hoseok wrong again. I am not and never would be the weaker vessel they portrayed.

The following day, I went to K25 company and had a brief talk with Kingsley, he blatantly refused since I was pregnant, which meant I wouldn't be able to deliver musically, I was left with no option but to ask for contract withdrawal which I know might result to being fine for contract bridge, however, Kingsley was kind enough to let me off the hook.

I left the company feeling a bit fulfilled. I broke the news to my roomies and they decided to look for a home teaching job for me which I was able to secure.

I started living off as a single expectant mother, taking different home-teaching classes and even started working as an online student English teacher, that's when I changed my name to Kathryn Howard since I already told my roommates when they asked me about my name I managed to tell Kathryn and Howard which was my maternal surname.

I have already decided to leave the past behind, which means everything that comes with it. I cut my lovely long curly hair into beautiful fluffy bops since I was expecting my child, let's say those were one of the hormones that come with being pregnant.

The wound wasn't my fault but the healing should be my responsibility, I wasn't struggling with depression, I realized I was struggling with reality.

I wasn't living big as I pictured and planned my dreams but at least I was living well.

Life wasn't treating me fair, but never did I let my pregnancy get in my way. I was struggling to make ends meet, feeding myself from the little money I saved up while I was living in Korea, by then, I started looking for another house at least my bundle of joy deserved a good life and I promised to do everything just to give Ha-na the best.

Ha-na? Yes, I named her that even before she was conceived back then in Korea. That was in my wishful thinking about having a happy family and a baby to grace my family before Lee Jaeyoung ruined our life.

It is a beautiful name. Hana, a beautiful name meaning "blossom" in Korean. I pictured my girl with her big alluring eyes just like the father's bright smile. I imagined her as she would be in the future, running around, playing, and laughing. And I thought of the name Hana, and how perfect it would be for this little girl. As I pictured Hana, I felt a sense of peace, of contentment. I was happy to know that, even though I was alone, I had people who cared about me, and would always be there for me, so Ha-na was perfect and loved even before she was conceived.

I was already in my six months after managing to secure a huge multi-million apartment, I bought it with all the savings I had with me in Korea so I was left broke but thanks to Juana and Kayla who played a vital role in seeing that I was being taken care of.

I managed to convince them to move in with me and after days of disagreement, they finally decided to move in with me. We lived as best friends, turned family. They never stopped buying baby things for my little princess ever since the day I told them about the gender of my baby.

Everything was ready for Ha-na's arrival and as the universe might have it, on my seventh month of pregnancy, I got a call from Kingsley asking me to report to the office, I was scared for a moment, thinking I did something horrible that might get me behind bars but was left dumbfounded when Kingsley handed back my contract papers with a congratulating huge amount of money.

"Do not disturb yourself by imagining your whole life at once, just because everything wasn't okay doesn't mean you aren't going to be okay. You are stronger than whatever weighs you down. Welcome to K25 Label, Kathryn Howard.

I was thunderstruck that I didn't know when I broke down in tears, I wasn't expecting it, just when I thought my life was over, mercy said NO.

My contract was sealed and I was told to begin my training three months after I delivered, my heart knows no bounds as the joy was overflowing.

The day of my delivery was neigh and Ha-na came forth after passing through excruciating labor pains, finally, I was holding my bundle of joy.

Holding Ha-na in my bosom, my eyes welled up as the memories of how things would have been had it been Ha-na's father was here sharing in this moment of happiness.

I could feel the tears streaming freely down my cheeks, and I tried to push the memories away, to replace them with something happier. But it was no use. The hurt and pain were too strong, and I couldn't stop the tears from falling. I could feel my heart breaking, knowing that I would never have that moment again. I wished I could turn back the clock, to relive those days when everything was perfect. But I knew that was impossible, and the reality of the present was too hard to bear.

Ha-na was now my joy and happiness. I pressed a lingering kiss on her soft forehead before the nurse took her to prepare her and clean me up.

Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months and months turned to years my misery was turned to joy, with Ha-na, Juana, and Kayla, my life bounced back to normal.

And when immediately I secured the bag, I managed to take them along. Juana, that bitch chooses to be my assistant which I refused but that bitch refused to give up, she declined different offers given to her to be a personal assistant to other artists on the K25 label, she just wants to be by my side; while Kayla chooses to be a make-up artist; reasons was because Kayla had a skeleton in her cupboard all the way from Italy, so Canada was her hiding place so triggering the media was her worst nightmares, more reasons she is scared of the camera.

And it has been good fucking five years since everything changed for my good but one thing is certain, you can't run away from the past, it will confront you, either to haunt you or reward you, my eyes welled up as I thought about all these until Ha-na's voice came at me.

"Mom! Here." She handed me a small envelope and as I looked through it, I realized it was a parent-teacher meeting, I stared at Kayla and she nodded her head tiredly.

"I will go with you then."

That was exactly what I wanted to hear from her.