Lost in love

"Please come back to me, I need you in my life…"

I hit send and tossed in my bed again. I stared at the ceiling as I wiped my tears away. I checked my phone every second, still got no reply. Minutes passed and I'm still waiting for my phone to ring, then finally…

"Okay, let's talk about this tomorrow. Get some sleep. Good night!"

The short smile in my face starts to fade, I felt my cheeks were blushing as tears streaming down my face. It felt like a bomb just exploded in my chest. I always wanted to make them stay; to make him stay, I have fallen deeply in love with him but it seems like he don't have the heart to return even just the favor. The smallest hope I have in my heart is starting to run away like the stars as the sun starts to light up the morning skies. I stumbled in my bed as the alarm clock starts to fill my quiet room with such a noise, it's already 5 o'clock. I picked it up and threw it against the wall.

"No!" I crumpled my fists, I couldn't contain it, and I can't stand the pain. It feels like its slowly killing me, pinching every inch of my heart and burning it to pieces. I stared at my face on the mirror preparing for my 7 o'clock class.

"What's wrong with you? Are you really not good enough for him? For anyone? They said you're pretty, you're also smart. Then why? Why do they always dump you, leave you, and wants to get rid of you? Poor little girl, maybe you'll stay alone forever."

I smiled bitterly. I'm wearing a black skirt that fits right on my hips and thighs, a pink plain shirt that has deep collar which shows the tiny mole on my chest then put on my masks- red lipstick- my lips weren't thick nor thin but just right, and the mole below it looks good. I painted my eye lids with an eyeliner that makes my eyes looked bigger and more round, I braided my long, brown hair on the side and put on my favorite pair of red shoes-I stared at myself on the mirror once more and nodded,

"I'm ready!" I whispered as I take my steps to school.

"Alex!"

"Alex! What's with the hurry?" Stacy grabbed my arms.

"I'm going home, had a lot of things to do…" I'm still not turning back.

"C'mon! Heading home at 3 o'clock with that red lipstick! Impossible!" Kat exclaimed, then slowly, I turned my back towards them and burst out laughing.

"See? So what now? Plan A or B?"

I chuckled,

"Not now Stacy, uhm… I'll meet Nate at 4." My voice was low.

"Ooh, so he's the reason behind that burning red lips and tight fitting skirt huh? Enjoy your date then," Kat pinched her cheeks and laughed softly.

"No Kath…" I stopped walking, stood straight and looked at Kat's and Stacy's faces.

"We're breaking up." The words were short and low. The pain can be felt between the words I utter. Kat and Stacy came closer to me and tapped my shoulders.

"Smile! You bitch, it's not the yet the end of the world!" it's Kat,

"She's right! Beep us tonight, let's breeeaaaaathhheee!" Stacy said as we part ways.

"Yes, let's breathe." Kat whispered.

I smiled as I take my steps. Kat and Stacy will always be there no matter what will happen, I know that. Kat, though she always she appears to be the funny girl, when it comes to life and heartbreak, she's more than serious, and Stacy, she's the youngest of us three and really she's one of the best friends one can have, and I'm really blessed to have them.

I stepped in to Nate's house- no one's there to welcome me. So, I decided to go ahead to his room, I knocked at his door and noticed it was open.

"Come in Alexandria." Nate said.

I start to shiver upon hearing his voice. He always sound with authority, and the way he say my name. "Alexandria". It's like Nate thrust a knife to my throat. I never wanted anyone to call me by that, it sounds strange, only those who don't know me and those who don't consider me worthy call me Alexandria,-that's what I believed in.

And that moment I stepped inside, I knew very well that everything between me and Nate- will end.

"Nate... I just want to say so…"

"No Alex, I am... sorry." He came closer to me, he brushed his hands through my shoulder up to my cheeks.

"I'm really sorry this has to end, I'm sorry it needs to come from me. Alex you're…"

"Nate why? What did I do…what do you want me to do? Anything... Nate, Am I really not good enough for you?" my voice is shaking, I'm trying to hold my tears from falling, not now, not again.

"It's not that you're not good enough, but I am… no good for you." Nate held my hands.

"Alex, you're a great woman, and I hate to break your heart but I'm not the right one for you." Then he let go of my hands and stepped back.

"Why not? We've come this far, we can still make this work. Please? Trust me." Then tears just ran down my face as I sit myself to the ground.

"Alex let's not make it hard for each other," Nate picked me up, he held my hands tightly.

"I loved you, but I know you deserve more than what I can give. You deserve someone better." Nate dried my tears and grabbed my chin.

"Look at me. Promise me this would be the last time that you'll cry for me. You deserve to be happy Alexandria." Then slowly, he lowered his face to meet mine, and kissed me gently. I closed my eyes and kissed him back- it was our first kiss, and the saddest? It will also be the last.

Nate let go of me and stared at my eyes. I breathed heavily, trying to look away.

"My girl, 'til we meet again."

I stood up and fix myself, I looked at him and smiled shortly.

"Yes Nate, 'til we meet again"

I ran fast as I could and slammed the door as I stepped in my room. I can hear Nate's voice loud and clear. The words were echoing to my mind and ripping my soul. I sat down on the floor and stared around, my room was dark and quiet, but it wasn't peaceful. I grabbed the album on my side table, I breathed heavily as I stared at the sweet faces of mine and Nate at the pictures taken months ago.

"What do I do now Nate?" I'm talking to the pictures again.

"What happened to us? To you? It's been a while, then now, you're telling me you're not the right one for me? Nine months Nate. Why so sudden? Nine months." I flipped through the pages and let go of my emotions. I dried my tears using the sleeves on my shirt and inhaled.

"But no. Not because we lasted for months doesn't mean everything's fine. It's not always been a happy ride each and every time Nate, I know. We've been through bumpy ride and rough roads and this is the highest peak, the moment I needed you most, I needed us. And you did what? Instead of holding my hands, you let them go." I nodded as I closed the album.

"The end." I said bitterly. Then I lie on my bed and stared at the ceiling.

"Life, why do you always do this to me? Why do they always leave, why does I can't make them stay? Why do you get away from me all the men I love… my dad, my grandpa, now... it's Nate."

I checked my phone, no messages, it's 11:09 PM. I rose from my bed, went to my closet and get the box on my drawer.

"Haaaaah!" as if I'm gasping for air as I opened the box. The box were full of memories- about Nate and me. All the pictures, boxes of chocolates, letters and even the smallest detail of Nate's gifts to me was kept there. Everything that could remind me how our relationship was for the last 9 months was there. Maybe that's the thing with me, I keep everything, not only in the box, but in my mind, in my heart and deep down my soul. Every little thing about anything, I know that, I keep that. That's maybe the reason why I feel so much, 'cause I care too much.

One by one, I picked up the stuffs off the box, and it all comes with memories-but not all were nice. Then, it was like a flashback. I remembered the first time he laid his eyes on mine.

It was one of the days in July, it was the 15th of the month to be exact. I was walking around our campus alone, then in an instant, a guy came over and hugged me.

"What are you doing? I don't even know you!" I scolded at the guy, it was Nate.

"Thank you would be enough." Nate said as he stepped aside, I glanced at his back and I saw a bunch of freshmen playing volleyball. One of the young guys waved at me and said sorry. I just nodded and look at Nate again.

"Well, thank you."

"Nate Montero. Sophomore." He offered his hands.

"Ale…" I'm about to take his hands for a shake then my friends interfered as they arrived.

"Alex!" Kat shouted, she's small and petite woman with brown hair. She ran towards me grabbing my skirt.

"You're early today huh? Shall we?" Stacy gave me a "let's go" look.

I just smiled but before I turned my back from Nate,

"Alexandria Rivera. Sophomore."

"Alex..." Nate murmured as I and my friends walked away from where he was.

I smiled while staring at the pictures, it's always nice to think about the good times, the happy memories. I kept on picking out the little pieces on the old box, then I picked out a piece of paper and read what's written there.

"Ms. Alex, I'm glad I hugged you when we first met because I've never seen you ever since. I search around for like a month for you, I asked everyone I know, I searched for you on Facebook but I can't find you, then now, I saw your friend at your favorite cafeteria and asked her to wait for this letter right here and give it to you. And I want you to know that I asked permission or... More of a consent from your friend that I'll be waiting for you after your class. So I'll see you at 4. -Nate"

I chuckled, that's how we started. Nate waited for me after my class for two months, those two months was full of blast. It all comes with different surprises and sweet stuffs. But though Nate seemed to be really sincere, I wasn't sure yet if he's serious or if he's really up to something. Until one afternoon, 15th of September, I went upstairs for my last class that day and surprised that all eyes were on me and other girls I passed by were murmuring, whispering and staring at me. I entered our class intrigued. Kat and Stacy was there, I asked them if is there's wrong and they shook head like they're innocent but the smiles in their faces says their guilty.

I just stayed quiet, I tend to listen and focus on our class but my head is on another time and space. Then a knock on the door broke the silence.

"Ms. Santillan, can I excuse Ms. Alex for few minutes. This is special." Ms. Santillan, the 40 year old, strict and terror teacher smiled and glanced at me. I looked at Nate with my eyes full of questions yet I'm smiling for a reason I don't know yet.

"Oh, I mean, this is important." Nate stared at me as Ms. Santillan gave us the permission to go out.

Nate held my hands as we walk our way to the parking lot.

"Look," Nate showed me a ribbon hanging and it comes with a red rope that's a meter and a half long. The other end of the rope was at the 2nd floor.

"Can you pull that for me?"

"Is that a request or a command?" I smiled.

"But yes. Here we go." I pulled the rope and the box on the other side of it landed on Nate's face."

"Oh, sorry." I giggled.

"Okay, I didn't expect you'll pull it that hard, but it's okay." He shake his head and smiled, a half smile that shows his cute dimples and nice set of teeth.

"Here. Open it please?"

"What's this?" I asked looking at him as I received it.

"That's why you need to open it." Nate raised his eyebrows.

"Oh-My...Nate? This is so cute, no, this is beautiful." Then I hugged Nate tightly, and let go seconds after.

Nate smiled at me and held my hands together. I smiled like a kid, it comes from the heart and reflects clearly to my eyes.

"I love that smile, you know? I'm glad you like it."

"I don't just like it, I love it!"

"Okay. But don't be exaggerated, this just a necklace." As Nate's wears it to me, it's a silver necklace with a chess queen pendant.

Nate is a chess player and was famous for it, but not just because he's a champion that makes him famous, he's good looking too. He's 5'6" tall, has a nice body, white set of teeth, dimple on both cheeks, brown eyes, and good on playing guitar and knows few magic tricks.

"Really? I'm grateful for it and you're telling me I am exaggerated. That's rude." I raised my eyebrows, trying to look away from Nate.

"I don't like it then, it's ugly. Remove it." I said seriously trying to hold myself from laughing.

"And now that's rude." Nate said and pinch my cheeks. I laughed loudly, yet sweet.

"That's my girl!" Nate exclaimed.

"Well, thanks for this babe."

"Babe? You mean?"

"Yes! Yes babe!" I whispered to Nate.

Nate stood up from his seat, he keeps on shaking his head and smiles widely with disbelief.

"Thank you. My girl. Always wear that, it will remind you that you're my queen, and I will fight for you, I will protect you, I'll take the risk just to make you stay."

I didn't say a single thing, my eyes speaks for me and my smile tells more than any word can.

I was laughing with tears on my eyes as I go back to the memories I once treasured, the times I was happy, when the whole world was on my side. I closed the box and wiped my tears, I still can't stand the pain looking at all the things that reminds me about Nate, it comes with laughter though, but now the pain is too much to bear.

12:00 AM, my phone rang and I was nervous and excited at the same time, I picked it up, cover the screen with fingers, slowly peek at it and I sighed. It's Kat, asking me to go out tonight to "breathe". That's our code I must say, when something's wrong or if any of us have a problem and we wanted to forget just for a night, to unwind, to relax, we go out to party, have drink, dance, to have fun.- we breathe. I'm not doing such things for the last nine months due to the fact the Nate doesn't want me to, or if he does, surely Nate will go with us and be home at 2 AM, that's actually the time when the party's just about to start, but I didn't protested to his rules, he's my "king" anyway. But now that my king was gone, and I'm no longer a queen, there were no rules, no do's and dont's. I'm totally free, no one will get mad, jealous or tell me what to do. I can have all the time in the world, but I don't have someone to spend it with. I inhaled deeply.

"I wanna breathe." Hit send and took a shower.

It's been months of grieving, loneliness and sorrow, but I seemed not be fine at all, it's like it get worse each day. I went to parties each night, drink, smoke and did all the things I left behind, I'm the old Alex, but I'm more miserable now. I woke up 12 noon, my head's pounding, eyes were heavy and stomach's aching, I'm from a party last night. I took my phone and yawned, 12:02 PM, 09/15/12.

September 15 2012, today's the supposed anniversary of Nate and me. Since then, I haven't heard about Nate, except that he has a competition in Manila and that would last for a month, maybe that's the reason I haven't seen him since the 1st.

I shrugged, brushed my palms to my face.

"Happy Anniversary!" and grabbed the box on my closet again, I promised this would be the last.

I take a look at everything that's inside the box. I felt a bit comfortable seeing those stuffs again, I stared blankly at the mirror.

"I must admit, I miss you, but I miss myself more. And I still want you but I don't need you back. This would be the last word you'll ever hear from me, then never again. God bless Nate."

I hit send and later decided to delete all the messages of Nate in my phone after I re-read them, delete all our pictures and burn all the letters and everything, including my feelings towards Nate. Lastly, I promised to myself that I will move on, I wanted to get over him that one day I'll be able to look at his eyes straightly without feeling any pain or regret. I want to be happy, again. I realized that happiness should not depend from someone else but it should come from within, from the heart. I later send a message to my friends and said I wanted to celebrate, my friends agreed.