Chapter-5

What to talk about, Ravi? I could never get him to know what sort of man he was in the span of ten years. Despite the fact that we were not the stuff of each other, we were technically together. And trust me, it happens only in India. In our society, we prefer to be together no matter what equation exists between them, especially for the ladies.

What would you do if your husband gave you a black and blue thrash? Register it into your mind that he has done a great favour for you by applying vermilion to your parted hair, and that gives him license to do anything that comes into his mind with you.

You must be happy and, thanks to your star that at least he is not leaving you. The abandoned wife has no respect anywhere. They remain a hot topic of discussion for others and a stigma for their families. She becomes the example to give lessons to the other girls who try to speak their minds and lead their lives on their own terms. They are threatened that they will meet the same fate if they do not mend their way.

Anyway, I had no intention of being a whistle-blower because I could not compromise my comfort and had no purpose of becoming a hot topic of discussion. At the same time, I did not intend to become a master to understand Ravi's brain. It was a bitter truth, but in fact, I was staying with him for financial support, but what about he was a big question mark for me?

There was a stark silence in my room. I did not feel like watching something on TV or listening to any music. Several things were running into my mind at the same time and perturbing me, such as my body getting deformed, and what if I did not come back to my previous shape after delivery?

Then I would have to spend many sleepless nights with the baby, and what if I delivered the baby girl and how would Ravi and his family react? Would I have to meet the same fate which my mother had to meet in the past? Frankly speaking, I would not mind and respond if he had a second or third marriage or kept many mistresses in his life, but I could not compromise on my comfort at all.

As it was, the equation between us was not even. Alongside that, there were so many other things running through my mind. I was in the double mind of keeping Ravi informed about my pregnancy. Do I disclose it to him right away? Or should I wait until he arrives back from the office or down the line? I really did not know how he would react to finding out about my pregnancy. We did not have any talk regarding it earlier.

A few times, his mother had brought up the topic of having a baby soon, but his return had always been indifferent to that topic. Eventually, I made a decision to intimate him about my pregnancy. The sooner, the better. Ravi reached back home in the middle of the night. I found him in a foul mood as always. He attacked me with blame as soon as he stepped into the room,

"You are a worthless creature. You just think of blowing my hard-earned money. You have an awful habit of wasting money, and I caution you that if it takes place next time, I will instantly seize your card and so on".

I quietly kept listening to all the charges he was pressing on me without interrupting him with a poker face. I had already cooked up the story of what I had to relate to him and made him feel sorry for his words in return. When he finished, I started.

"Ravi, you will get your money back shortly."

One of my friends’ cards had been stolen, so she had borrowed money from me. I was to mention something about my pregnancy before that only. He cut in and said,

"It is all right. Now let me take a nap. I have to wake up early in the morning. My flight is at 7 in the morning. And I will have to head to the airport by 5.30. "

There was no bound to my joy when I learned about his flight for the following day. All I was looking for was that excellent opportunity and my wish was fulfilled. He had to go abroad for some official work. And he did not make me aware of his plans because he had not understood it necessary to intimate me about it all day long over the phone, like any other thing.

Although, apart from me, all the staff were well aware of his business trip. And in my absence, they had already packed up their bags without letting me know about it. Therefore, I could not come to know about anything because he did not disclose it to me.

It was the first time for me that I did not feel humiliated like in previous times. Earlier, I did not feel terrible when he went outstation, but yes, I used to feel ashamed and awful that I came to know about his schedule from someone else or at the last moment, and that also with the domestic staff. I thought he had lowered my position to not let me know about his plan. Anyway, at that time, I was fine with his hush-hush program.

In fact, I was preaching to myself that being a husband and wife did not make it compulsory at all that you share everything with each other. So what if he did not make me aware of his departure? I also hid plenty of things from him as he did, and like that, I justified my foul attempt to conceal the news of my pregnancy. Then, I just dropped the idea of keeping him in the loop about my pregnancy.

What would I do if he wished I went through with my pregnancy? Was I in that position to confront him and go against his wishes? So, it was somewhat better to take risks when I was getting the opportunity to get rid of the problem on my own completely. Actually, it was not so easy for me to accept that someone else would decide whether I should keep the baby in my womb or not. Even if it were Ravi, I could not let him impose his wish on me just like that.

Ravi had a misconception about himself that I was desperately looking for his presence on my birthday. How could he think of it? I wondered how he could not come to know me so far, what sort of person I was in a genuine sense. He could not get that it did not matter to me at all whether he would attend my birthday party or not. In fact, I did not intend to spoil my birthday by celebrating it along with him.

He did not know I used to hate him more than he hated me. I asked him if he would be back until my birthday or not, with a fake request and a smile on my face. He should have understood that much that either I was asking just like that, or something fishy was running through my mind.

My hidden intention behind my asking was just to come to know the date of his return, if not the actual one. I was aware he would not answer me straight at any point. And it was vital for me to know at the same time that he had been going for how long. As usual, I received an expected blunt response from his end.

“What the hell are you speaking about? Are you out of your mind? Grow up and have some common sense. I have so many other important things to do in my life, except celebrate and attend your birthday. And tell me what benefit I will get from attending your birthday party. Are you a dump? What do you think of it? I will come back to attend your birthday party when I have important business ahead. "

My ears ached severely from hearing all his nonsense. At one moment, I felt like telling him,

"I also have no feelings for you. I will be the last person who will wish that you attend my birthday. "

But at the other moment, I stopped myself and bit my lips.

And what to talk about celebrating my birthday? My parents did not remember my birth date either. And it did not affect me at all. Similarly, I had never kept such hope from Ravi, even in my wildest dream that he would celebrate my birthday. Genuinely speaking, I had not expected to get a wish from any of them on that auspicious day.

But my parents did not ever forget to celebrate my brother's birthday. Likewise, Ravi did not fail to wish those people who were important to expanding his business. Besides, he celebrated his birthday in a gala manner. I indeed used to feel terrible at the beginning of that discrimination in both places, but I stopped feeling awful a bit down the line. And I did not even think about it.

When I grew a little more and reached middle school, I stole some money from my mother's purse and celebrated my birthday with my school friends.

I knew I could not be their favourite child at that birth. Perhaps somewhere in my mind, I had a feeling that I was accountable for all the bad things happening in their lives. If I were born a boy or my brother had taken birth before or after me, things would have been different. Anyway, I tried to keep myself away from them because my presence displeased each of them, and I did not want to cause their sorrows anymore. I did not want to make myself emotionally drained either.

After marriage, when I learned about it, he had no emotion towards me. I just cornered myself. I celebrated my birthday with my elite group of ladies; no matter what, they always seemed to be nothing more than dumb. But yes, I did not forget to go to the temple and worship God in the morning. I did not forget to thank him for all his blessings that he gave me and asked him to give me the strength to face hardships. And on the same day, I used to go to the orphanage and spend the rest of the morning with the children there.

I accepted the people in the same manner as they came on my way, with no grievance from God. I have always considered myself blessed. Yes, I was blessed because I owned all three things' brains, beauty, and wealth. I believed in living life on my own, but I took extra care to ensure that I did not raise someone’s eyebrows or become bad before someone.

I did not believe in creating some issues at home as well. Such as Ravi did not have a non-veg on Saturday and he also stopped me for the same. I did not agree with his point, but it did not mean anything at all either. Indeed, I did not argue with him or show him on his face that I disdained his idea, and so almost every Saturday, I ate non-veg out if I felt like it.

I was an incredible listener and a good follower at the same moment. And I had a firm opinion that both those qualities were my strength, not my weaknesses, and that always helped me proceed through my life smoothly without any hiccups. But yes, several people mistook me as feeble because I did not do the answer back as others did. They did not get the minor thing answer back could cause raise the eyebrows of others. And I did not want to invite any such sort of thing to happen.

Ravi always insisted on me wearing the dress his mother had given me to please his mother, and I reluctantly tried it and stepped out. Actually, I did not like my mother-in-law's taste in clothes. They have always seemed antiquated to me. But I had to wear it at her insistence. And I probably heard her because I was afraid of the ramifications which I would have to encounter if I displeased her. His insistence tortured me to a great length. But I remained quiet all the time.

Somehow, I came across the fact that he did not like his mother's taste. Thereupon, I knew what I had to do to straighten him without appearing terrible before anyone. I began to wear those clothes which his mother had gifted me whenever I went anywhere along with him to his high-profile parties. Eventually, he had to restrain his mother from bringing something for me with a trick. Finally, I got success in saving my skin without being exposed. Ravi could not come to know so far that it was my game, and I won my game without making him realize it.

Ravi constantly misread me in his overconfident attitude. He could not get to know me properly because he did not understand it was necessary to take me seriously. I did not believe in creating a fight scene with him. It was not because I was in love with him; actually, I could not afford to make him feel bad. I would always think of the repercussions before taking any step in my nature. Perhaps something unpleasant had happened in my life. Maybe I made them angry. I did not believe in going against the waves with someone unnecessarily. When I knew, I could make things go according to my wish without his or her notice. What was the point of coming into the light and becoming vulnerable to someone's wrath?

Without saying anything, he walked out of the room. I got it; there was no point in opening my mouth where Ravi had gotten involved then. It was decided, whether I liked it or not, I would have to continue my pregnancy. There was no benefit to thinking about that issue ahead. The baby was growing inside me, despite the fact that I could not connect myself with it. I was sulking from the inside and wanted to be vocal about that unfairness.

I was always determined; it was challenging to connect with a baby. In my opinion, it belonged to Ravi only, and I was supposed to carry it in my womb as a burden. My consent and willingness did not make any difference. Just because he wished, I had to take the baby. I knew I was not strong enough to protest against Ravi openly, and there was no one to stand for me at the same time on my behalf. But those things were running into my mind at a fast pace, and they were disturbing me significantly.

It was not so easy for me to lose and accept defeat so quickly. Then, I began to look for another way to get rid of that baby without exposing my actual intention to anyone. While staying in the hospital, I went jumping in the bathroom, running around the place, but nothing worked. Staying in the hospital was just killing me from the inside, and I was desperately dying to get back home. I always took all the precautions while having misadventures, but his friend caught me red-handed, jumping on the terrace one day.

He instantly got my intention behind my misadventure. Before I could explain my point and convince him, he just left the terrace, instructing one of the staff to stay there and monitor me all the time. I was caught at that age red-handed. It was literally an embarrassing experience for me. I went down to my room straight, lowered my head, and lied on the bed quietly.

He climbed down at once and made a call to Ravi straight away and related to him everything he had witnessed me doing wrong on the terrace. He recommended Ravi talk to me face-to-face about the pregnancy and all and then reach a conclusion. He recommended him to use the clinical option if we both were not prepared for the baby right then.

He cautioned him as well, that my activities were dangerous to make the baby terminate inside my womb without medical aid and consent. Besides, he showed his reluctance to keep me in his hospital any further.

Ravi did not have any delays; he took the next flight and reached the hospital straight from the airport in a couple of hours. I was worried he would create a scene, but Ravi proved me entirely wrong. He was very calm, gave me a tight hug before everyone else, and did not mention that episode. He took my discharge from the hospital and brought me back home. He was pretty quiet all the time on the way home. I kept waiting in the car all the time, taking the name of God when he would go off.

But he was not the same Ravi as soon as we approached home. At once, he called my family and related everything about my misadventure. After that; he came to me in a fit of anger and warned me before all the staff that nothing should happen to his baby, or he would throw me out of the house and ruin my life forever. After some time, I received a call from my mother, and she told me bluntly.

"Look, I will not keep you at my home at all. It does not affect any of us what happens in our lives. And, I will not let you stay in my family, even as a maid, if your husband takes you out of the house. "

It was perhaps not enough for her to throw out on me. After that, she made a call to Ravi and told him he did not make any calls anymore regarding me. They were not related to me. It did not affect them anymore how he dealt with me further.

That day was one of the worst days of my life. Ravi also discovered the relationship I was sharing with my mother and other family members and how concerned they were about me. I had been making my best effort to hide it for so long, but that day it became known that I was unwanted. He learned that my family did not bother me, and they did not want to keep any terms with me. I was all alone in that world at his mercy.

Suddenly, a nasty smile appeared on his face, which had pierced deep into my heart and gripped me with fear. He did not utter even a single word after that and went up whistling. He changed his clothes, had dinner in his room, and slept. I moved to the room after the lights turned off, and I slept next to him.

Another day, he asked me if I would have to go to a gynaecologist for a thorough check. I shook from the inside the moment I heard the word thoroughly check-up. I could not stop myself; what if it were a baby girl in my womb? Would he make her end? He gave me a tight slap on my face and uttered

"It does not matter to me whether it is a baby girl or boy. To me, it is just my baby, nothing else. And I will spare no one if one tries to bring harm to her. "

It was the first and last time Ravi raised his hands at me. It was so tight that my nose bled profusely, and my face was smart. I had to apply an ice pack to abate the pain. But yes, that day I cried bitterly. It was not because he raised his hand on me. But my fear diminished to a significant extent.

Seeing Ravi's reaction to the unborn baby made me feel that perhaps the baby would grow up in his heart for me. But he proved me entirely wrong before long. He was the same person as he was earlier with me. He was over the moon to discover he was getting a father, but it did not imply that he accepted me.

Anyway, I had thought Ravi would also come with me to show the gynaecologist, but nothing like that happened. It was the driver who took me there. Ravi had already instructed him where he had to take me. I just had to sit in the cab.

Ravi had no time for me. Perhaps he was not interested in me, or maybe he took me for granted where she would go, like most other Indian men. He was not wrong in his point. But I did not wait for his return as the other ladies did and spent their entire lives hoping that their husband would get back to them one day. It always seemed to be idiotic.

That was true; I was his mother's choice. He was an obedient son of his mother, as the others felt about him. But he could not ever accept me. And I remained his mother's choice only. And I had no repentance for it. At least someone received me wholeheartedly in the entire world.

Anyway, I could not recollect whether he had ever tried to make me feel special. However, I have always dreamed before marriage that my prince charming would love me a lot and spoil me like anything, making others feel jealous of my fate.

I was afraid to say it, but I thought that I was nothing more than a lying object in his showcase whose job was to enhance the beauty of the house along with the other lying things. Yes, I was a showpiece that he had brought to his home, just like any other object in his house. Since I was not so sick for a week, I did not go into depression. And at the same time, I did not accept the fate of remaining the showpiece of his house.

Anyway, I could not recollect whether he had ever tried to make me feel special. However, I have always dreamed before marriage that my prince charming would love me a lot and spoil me like anything, making others feel jealous of my fate. I was afraid to say it, but I thought that I was nothing more than a lying object in his showcase whose job was to enhance the beauty of the house along with the other lying things. Yes, I was a showpiece that he had brought to his home, just like any other object in his house.

It was not that I did not put the effort into fixing things and growing the intimacy between us initially, but down the line, I felt all my efforts to please him were worthless, and those things were bringing more distance between us. Genuinely speaking, several times, my actions sounded to me as if I was just degrading myself more and more before him in the process of getting his bloody attention. I felt, perhaps, I was doing all those things because of fear. I thought about him taking me out of his house.

Gradually, I convinced myself that I was doing just an absurdity and there was no benefit in draining oneself emotionally for such a relentless person. Then I stopped myself from committing the same mistake that my mother and my mother-in-law had been committing to evade the truth. I made myself understand that the day he would have to take me out of his house and life. No one could stop him from doing so. It did not mean at all; I began to mouth my genuine feelings openly and create more life problems.

But things were not similar outside of wedlock for me. I could not cheat on myself. I was his wife, and we spent the night together in the same bed, but I had deleted him from my mind and heart long back. I was an uncommon lady. People might tell me I was very practical. I did not believe or intend to have the tag of the perfect wife around my neck. I could not roam all across the city with my grief of being rejected and went into a depression that my husband ignored me like the other absurd ladies.

I did not entertain the thought at any point in my mind and belittled myself that there was something wrong with me that was the reason my husband went to other women. I used to think differently. He had an awful habit of looking here and there, and he was helpless to get rid of his horrendous habit. And there was no use in punishing me because he did not entertain me. I had been entertaining myself since childhood, and I could entertain myself.

I would not pretend to be a decent lady who did not see any other men except her husband. There was no problem with me, and I did not intend to challenge science as well. I was fine. And I certainly enjoyed the attention of a significant number of males too.

And at the same time, I am not ready to accept and digest if any lady tells me that she has no attraction toward other men other than her husband after marriage or detests men's attention. I was over the moon when their eyes spoke; I was beautiful. The Vermilion on my parted hair was not enough to stop them from thinking of flirting with me.

I could sense their naughty gestures and desperation for me to spend time with them. They invariably looked for an excuse to become friendlier with me. That was the other thing. I did not intend to encourage them at all because they despise me. To them, I was not strong enough. I have always preferred to show indifference toward them. It was not because I had any love for Ravi, or that I intended to remain honest in the relationship.

The truth was something else that I did not want to be the cause of breaking into some woman's house. Although I knew at heart, they lived in a dilapidated house, and their house could collapse at any time.

At the same time, I knew Ravi well; if he found out about my misadventure, he would not spare me. I had learned in no time that Ravi was capable of doing anything wrong with me. Secondly, he had warned me in the initial days of our marriage only that he did not count on me for a bit.

And he would make my life miserable if he discovered I betrayed him or went against him. I did not want to take unnecessary risks with those bastards. I was aware they were feeble. They just wanted to look at my company for fun. None of them had the guts to hold my hand against Ravi.

He sent me to the other gynaecologist. His friend only suggested her name. She was one of the eminent gynaecologists in the city. She was very amiable to me while talking. But yes, now I really watch out while having a word with the doctor. No matter how nice and friendly she behaved with me, likewise, the doctor scrutinized me, but she did not understand why it was necessary to tell me about the baby's development. She just prescribed me a list of what to do and what not to do. And I left the chamber quietly after that.

I did not show her any curiosity to know about the baby's growth, which amazed her, and she did not take much time to come to know it was a forced pregnancy. She discovered my unwanted pregnancy and came to know that my husband did not like me. When I was leaving her chamber, she told me in a consoling tone.

"It is my experience that kids often do the job of bridging parents' gaps and making them one. So, take care of yourself and stay happy. Have faith in God; your husband will also accept you one day".

I was okay with everything that the doctor said, but the last sentence shocked me totally. I disagreed with her statement that I wanted to be accepted. As I was expecting, Ravi had always been indifferent toward me. He did not agree to bother to check; how was I going? As it was, he used to spend most of the time outside, but after my pregnancy, he stopped turning up at night too. Although I was aware of where he spent all night, I had no option except to overlook it. The entire pregnancy, I kept sulking and all. As if I had complete confinement in the house.