Newborn Life

After hearing about so much sadness and death, life was always the answer I looked forward to. Ever since I was in my early teenage years, I had always wanted a biological child of my own. Did I think I was ready then? Absolutely not. Do I think I am ready now? Still no, however admitting that is the hardest part.

Over the years I had a couple of pregnancy scares, but deep down I knew the parters weren't right. And I could only imagine what my parents, let alone the rest of my family would say or do. Most of the time I like to think that I am living my life to please them, so I'm not really living at all. But I'll get into that more later.

With this kidney disease, my brother and I were always told that we cannot have biological kids of our own. Who tells young children that? That sets us up for a lifetime of misery. Knowing that, having a biological child of my own has been my number one goal in my own life. This has been a constant mental battle within myself; wanting to be happy and then not wanting to disappoint my family. Recently I have realized that in the end, it is completely my choice. My family might think I'm selfish, seeing the effects this kidney disease has had on the rest of us, but them controlling whether or not I have my own biological child is even more selfish in my opinion.

For years now I've tried to cope with baby fever and the urges from the hormones taking over. It's caused so many problems not only for me, but for my partners at times as well. While I'd never purposefully get pregnant. I think deep down I would know it was wrong if I did, especially right now. There have been times where guys aren't as careful as they should be, so I've stopped them and have been smart about things. If I really wanted to be pregnant by now, I could have been.

For many years I had researched ways to cope with the hormones and the crazy baby fever. I came across realistic dolls. After months of research my ex and I were actually going to buy one. Problem was they were so expensive. He was going to pay for most of it, if it helped calm down my hormones. But I couldn't ever find one that I truly loves. Flash forward to last year and I finally bought one! My newest ex was actually familiar with them, and brought it up to me. I couldn't believe it, and so he encouraged me. When she finally arrived, I was eager and nervous all at the same time. We opened her together, and it worked like a charm! I was at college during this time. Everyone loved and enjoyed playing/holding her. She didn't look as realistic as ones I have now, but at the time it still worked!

I remember a couple times my parents came down to visit. I was so embarrassed that they wouldn't understand her, so I had a friend take and hide her and her stuff in his room for hours. It was heartbreaking for me since she and I weren't ever really separated. She was treated just like a real baby by us. He was cute though, he wrapped her up in her blanket and put a stuffed animal with her on his bed. It really meant a lot to me. I knew my parents wouldn't understand, and they would automatically assume it had to do with wanting a real baby, and creating a family with my boyfriend at the time. They're so closed minded that it was easier for me to hide her than it was for me to explain why I had her. I've since bought and sold many more, having ones that look very realistic now. They are semi understanding but not enough to actually accept them. So they get called creepy babies, and made fun of often. I find now that I'm home, I can't cuddle them and hold them like I would be myself in school.

Now that I'm home and graduated, I get to see my god daughter often. I was on her birthing plan since the beginning and got to be there through the entire delivery. That was an experience I'll never get again. If I don't end up having children of my own, then that was as close as I'd get to delivering and having my own baby. That experience has forever changed me, and all for the better. While I was away at school I missed out on a lot of the earlier months of her life. I'd come home some weekends to see her, and she would always be bigger. Now I take some time during each week to watch her and learn with her. We help each other. i love that little girl like she's my very own, and I treat her like she is too! I don't know what I'd honestly do without her in my life. And watching her a couple times each week is making up for lost time I regret not being around for when I was away. Besides, life is beautiful.

When I have my god daughter I feel like a mommy. I finally feel complete when I get to take care and nurture her. While I know I didn't carry her, or birth her, won't be able to breast feed her, or make major decisions for her in life; I was there through every step of the way and will continue to be. Right now, she gives me major purpose. I don't want to leave my home town since she's here. I don't want to miss out on her life and the major milestones she will reach. Watching her these past few months have helped me in ways I can't even explain. Even on the worst days, I'm happier with her than without her. she will always be my reason, my life.