CHAPTER 48: NOW

"Kate... it's going to be okay," I stated, after a long time of escaping from myself, letting myself be an observer; of everything that was happening in this room. She was now making soft whimpers, meaning she was already tired of crying. Funky came in to wherever I was and got her off me when I saw Funky come in to wherever we were and got her off me. He hugged her, and she seemed to accept his embrace.

There was something about Kate toying around between Funky and me, that I suddenly felt a brush of jealousy cross me, but I stopped it. She was just a part of my past, I reminded myself as I took the files and went to give them to the receptionist. I'm not sure what they do after, but they are responsible for taking care of the filing and receipts of every deceased person before being released to the family by the mortuary. It is quite a tedious process, but I intended to help them out. After all, the boy was my son. This was the only way I could aid.

The morning light was already embracing the sky. I knew Doctor Heung would be here soon, so I first went out to the practitioner in charge in resus to ask about the patient who was brought in. Indeed, he was well cared for, and there was nothing to worry about. They had also opened a file for him and written all the details the doctor is supposed to edit, which I greatly appreciated.

Thus, I made my way to my office. Panic suddenly struck me as I saw Doctor Heung speaking, not to any practitioner, but to none other than Kate's parents. Her father seemed to be seeking answers by the way he scowled at the doctor. I think they had just arrived.

I wanted to hide somewhere and get away, but I knew I had not signed out. More importantly, I was the doctor responsible for explaining in detail every complication the child had encountered. Meeting them again after all those years felt like hell. I had never felt so lacking in confidence since I started at San Francisco Memorial Hospital.

I was hiding in one of the corners that directed left to the surgeons' offices.

"Hayzen…" A familiar voice called me from behind, and I looked back. It was Funky. I did not want to look tense, so I just cleared my throat.

"I believe they are looking for you," he stated and continued his walk towards where Kate's parents were.

I put on the doctor's face that every doctor wore when rich people, who thought they had rights to everything, came in demanding answers.

"Good morning," I started, nodding to all of them as I placed my left hand in my pocket, pushing aside the white coat I wore. "I am Doctor Levin. How can I assist you?" I finished.

"We want to know what happened to our grandson. He was doing quite okay, and then you give us the news he is gone? How? If not, we shall seek our legal rights in court," Kate's father demanded. He did not seem to even remember me. I think I had changed from that young man who had no experience in life and whom manhood had not yet thoroughly kissed. I now had a beard, though I always shaved it, as the demands of the workplace required. Beards were regarded as dirty; you just needed to have clean shaves, line shaves, not thick beards that seemed unwashed or at least ungroomed.

"Let's go to my office," I stated, trying to remain as casual as possible.

"No, you need to tell us. We are not signing the papers of acceptance until you give us reasons."

"Well, sir, with due respect, it is a little inappropriate for a practitioner to discuss private matters on a lawn." I stated the word 'lawn' after clearing my throat and looking at the lawn. "I would love to explain it clearly…" Seeming to understand my words, they followed me steadily. I remembered I needed to hand over everything about the night to Doctor Heung. That was not a priority at the moment; I needed to finish off with Kate's parents fast.

After arriving at my office, I let them in. With Kate still inside, I honestly felt sorry for her.

"Feel comfortable," I stated, and after they both sat where Kate and Funky had sat for the night, I sat on the little bed in the office, with Funky by my side, and Kate in my initial seat.

"Dad, it's Hayzen…" Kate started before I could even speak. I did not want them to remember me, especially not in this manner. I was suddenly scared, especially by the way they both scanned me.

"Did you take part in killing the boy because we refused you any rights?" He suddenly asked, and the little whisper of 'dad' from Kate was heard. I did not know what I was feeling. What I knew was, I just wanted to leave everything, as I always did when things got tough. But I just couldn't; I just could not.

"The surgery was successful," I started, and they all looked at me, even Kate. "…but we seemed to delay him; I mean, there was a delay between the family signing the papers…" Whatever I was saying was not right. It was never good to put the blame on a family. The best blame was on nature and destiny. So, I cleared my throat and started again, "Sometimes, children are delicate. His heart was fragile, and his pulse rate was abnormally steady. It would rise and fall in different patterns. I know your question is, if it was abnormally steady, why didn't we wait? The answer is; every minute, every second, every wait, is a loss for every patient with a ventricular or cardio problem. We doctors never enjoy seeing suffering. We do hurt, we do hurt so much when everything we do for a patient, the constant checking of heartbeat, the constant speeches, when they come to an end. We are indeed saddened by it." I did not know how tears had started coming out of my eyes, but I started forcing them to go back where they came from.

"His surgery was certain, but we were tossing the coin on it. The moment his hands could not hold a little pen, we knew it might not go so well. So, we covered the initial hole; it had spread to his right ventricle, so we were quite careful to prevent the blood from mixing. We stitched him back and stimulated him, but he just could not fight it with us as much as we wanted him to. The faults; whoever you all feel the faults are, it's up to you, but destiny had its desire."

They seemed to understand everything I had stated as my phone started to vibrate so hard in my right pocket.

"Excuse me," I stated, as I checked the phone and saw Doctor Funky's text: "Paraphrase to them, tell them the next steps, and hand over the work from the night. Go home to sleep, kid. You have done a great job tonight."

"So, I have already spoken with the receptionist, and the child's surgical cover has been taken care of." I did not want to tell them that my working cover actually had the child on it. I had not stated his name but had used Kate's name and his birthday. The finance department was quite skeptical about it but accepted it regardless. "I am sorry for your loss," I stated as I left the office, tears welling up in my eyes. 'I am sorry for your loss' instead of 'our'? Who would be there to ever comfort me, I wondered.

I finished by handing over the night's work to Doctor Heung, greeted the practitioners who had already started their shift for the day, and went on my way to my office to take my bag and maybe leave. I think I was not needed -by Kate or anyone of her family-. I never was anyway. The only time I was needed was during health matters; no one cared to tell me if the boy had gotten better or not, but anyway, I always did.

Kate was the only person in the office. The rest seemed to have left.

"Kate, I think you should rest," I stated, closing the door behind me. She was still in my seat. In one second, she just stood, came near me, and gave me a forceful kiss on my lips. It was so forceful that she was lucky I did not wipe it off right in front of her, after letting me go. I just glared at her, took my bag, and in strict words stated, "I have much respect for you and Funky. I am not a cheater. I have a wife."

"I just lost little Shane… don't you have any…," she started, whining while sitting on my desk. I had not noticed her blouse was already two buttons open, and her bust was visible to anyone's eyes. She was the first person I had once loved, and her cornering me in this position meant that I needed to have the strongest mental strength to ignore her statements.

So, with her on the desk and me standing with my bag resting on my right shoulder, I let myself get closer to her. I looked at her straight in the eyes, then her lips, then down her now exposed cleavage; but felt nothing. Not a single butterfly, not a single heartbeat, only pain that clenched my heart, a hateful pain, an angry pain. I just took her in through my breath by inhaling deeply, wondering about my wandering thoughts.

"I have a wife," I stated and winced. "If only you had let me show you what I would have done for us…" My voice now came out as a whisper, and I knew this felt like weakness. Of course, these were my weaknesses; she was my weakness.

"Zen…" She stated, and I just shook my head, as if I was not sure of myself, but I was damn sure of everything I was doing.

So, I fought with my whole being, pushed myself away from her, and headed to the door. "I loved Shane so much," I finished after giving her one last glance. Then I remembered she might even deny me the opportunity of resting my son in peace. "Please…" As if she knew what I was about to say, she just nodded. I looked at her one last time, as the need and urge to scream my lungs out came over me.