28 Prayer

Tomorrow is the big day. Either I will receive a blessing and become part of this community or I don´t... and then? I don´t know. I probably will be chased out. At least right now I have a good chance of surviving nearly anything and what I can´t defeat I can run away from. The problem is that it would hurt my mother. She gave up a lot for me. She never told me, but through my lessons with Elder Irvin, I know how my mother was treated before and after I was born.

She was the shining star of this village and a prodigy that might only appear once in thousands of years... Okay, I might have exaggerated, but not by much. My mother was undefeated in the tournaments and that meant that every man wanted to get her... attention. She was also looking for the strongest man to leave strong offspring with. It sounds very strange to me and I am really glad that nobody seems to find me strong and as such not attractive. I wouldn´t like their attention just because of my strength. So at least I wouldn´t suffer like my mother.

Anyway, there is a tournament each month where females and males challenge each other and the winner decides if they would spend a night together. If the woman gets pregnant they were married until either the children turned fifteen or death. Depends on how much they like each other. My mother defeated every single suitor and after quite a few years she decided on my father solely because he was the strongest among the village. Bad reason for marriage.... but okay.

So the whole village was hyped for the child that would be born, but sadly it was me. After accepting me my mother seemed to have lost almost all respect. Even though she is still the strongest. It doesn´t help, that my father has other children that turned out well in their eyes.

I need to cool my head and choose the way that would be most beneficial for me.

I went into the forest and after carefully sneaking to my little crafting cave I lighted a small fire and stared at the image of a cross I etched into a stone. The overly aggressive animals did not even notice my presence anymore and I did not feel my mother sneaking after me. She should be with Elder Irvin right now... probably discussing my training...

Breathing in and out I concentrated in order to achieve the right mindset for my prayer session. What is most important to pray isn´t what you say or how you say it. Prayer texts like the Paternoster do make it easier in case you fail to get your thoughts in order, but the real prayer isn´t reciting some text, but the Attentiveness. It is the mindset of trying to communicate. Basically, it means don´t get distracted and be calm. Actually practicing meditation was really helpful for me to find my own praying mindset. Everyone has a different method, but this is mine.

I began my prayer by singing the paternoster. Singing is the language of the soul. It reflects my mood and influences me, by showcasing what I sometimes don´t notice about myself. For example: When I had doubts about the church in my former life and I tried to sing the creed I always stumbled at the sentence: I believe in the holy catholic church. The song and my own beliefs crashed and my singing was influenced. It became silent and it would become obvious that I have doubts about this subject.

Of course, I also sang just for fun, but whenever the text tried to express beliefs, faith, or something about myself the song would be influenced. Music is the language of the soul and so of course I would sing my prayers if possible. Sadly I am not that talented, so I can only refer to already written religious songs and can´t write my own...

"It has been some time, hasn´t it?.... Jesus."

The fire was crackling and throwing shadows around.

"I am sorry that I didn´t talk to you more often, but in my defense, things have been really busy, you know?"

Sparks were flying and falling to the ground losing their heat.

"By the way, funny story, but I somehow died? And got reincarnated? Any thoughts on that? No, not important right now."

I took a deep breath while kneeling on the ground and folding my hands in prayer.

"Hey, can you tell me what I should do?"

"On the one hand I respect you and I want to follow your creed as closely as possible, even though you have impossibly high standards... I don´t want to worship other gods..."

.

.

.

"On the other hand... I am weak... and I want to stay close to my mother."

Staring at the cross the fire still burned and lightened the place. Clarity filled my mind and of course, there was only one answer. It was obvious and many would definitely say why did you need a prayer to reach such an answer, but for me, it was quite the dilemma. It really is simple. If the gods aren´t actually God or demons then there is no reason not to be blessed. From what I heard of them they are more of what I would define as a spirit, not God. But I still have to make sure if they are perhaps demons.

I know many people would make fun of me for believing in demons since many haven´t seen one. Well, that is because you can´t see them, but you can feel their presence similar to how you can feel God's presence even though he does not answer.

Meister Eckhard had a theory about a soul spark of god in every human being at birth. Yes, every human being! Nobody is excluded. Becoming aware of that spark and trying to become similar to it means to follow after Jesus and become what the faith defines as a good person. So basically God is part of everyone and we are a part of him. And there is also where communication starts. Becoming in sync with the soul spark of god in your soul. Similar to that there are whispers of demons inside our souls telling us to be more selfish and more aggressive. And it is really hard to tell the healthy amount of selfishness apart from the whispers. But here is actually the good news: If you are a non-believer the demons aren´t interested! Why try and persuade somebody that is already on the right track? The Devil is somebody that is only interested in religious people. Take the book Hiob, for example, the devil did not point out all the people not believing in God but tried to show him that even if they do it doesn´t take much to change. And there is another note: Not all evil actually comes from demons or the devil. Humans can be cruel people even without influence and many who tried to do good did more evil in the long run.

What I wanted to say is basically Yeah there are demons, but they are not an excuse for everything I do, because, in the end, the decision is mine. And mine alone nobody is able to take that from me, because that is the promise my God made to us.

"That´s right! Thanks, it was good talking to you."