Chapter 2: May 1, 2019

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It's crowded.

Looking on my computer as I am almost done with this call. "I'm glad I was able to answer your questions today. Again, this is Kirk have a nice evening to you Joe!" I hover my mouse over the log-out option and click it then I grabbed my grey hoody after I turned off the computer as Mommy Josie approach me.

"After shift huddle daw!" My teammates and I are gathered in front of our Team Leader for the after shift huddle.

"Okay, today's stats are good. Half of you guys reached the goal for our handling time which is 6 minutes and below. Good job!" Our TL is showing us our end of the day stats and discuss our action plan for tomorrow even the goals that the management set for us the 'Buddy' since we should be the ones acting as role model for the regular agents.

"We do have wave 288 starting with their side-by-side session next week so you guys need to prepare yourselves. They have 20 headcounts and you guys are 16 so some of you will handle 2 new hires while doing the SBS session." Yes, we are also a part of training team.

We handle new hires and train them while doing side-by-side sessions.I decided to be promoted because I want a raise on my salary to provide more for my family.

"That's it for today guys thank you for coming into work. Don't be late for tonight's shift." Time check, it's already 8:30 AM.

"Bye boss Chu!" I grabbed my jacket and my tumbler then went to the locker to get my bag and my phone.

"Kirk! Let's go home together ah!" asked Ching one of my closest friend "Sure!" I replied. Actually, Ching and I always go home together since it's on the same way and we can also share stories or talk to one another while on the way home.

It's already 9:00 AM and still there's no bus going to Nova Bayan "If you want let's just take the Van instead?" asked ate Ching and since I don't have enough money for that I declined.

"I'm already tired, I can't cross that bridge to Trinoma anymore" then I pouted "Okay! Just stop doing that it doesn't suit you!" and we both laughed. We waited fifteen more minutes then a Pascual Liner arrived.

"Are you okay?" she asked me in a worried tone "Of course! I'm alright why did you asked?" I replied "I just noticed that you've been quiet and just staring outside the window ever since we ride the bus." she explained while looking at me with that worried face of hers.

She's the first one whom I trusted the most in the Buddy team ever since I got promoted and I am quite sad that she is planning to go to Cebu and live there. We became close maybe because I like her attitude. She's frank and won't talk behind your back and she will tell you the things she dislikes about you in your own face unlike other people who will just talk behind your back and shamelessly act like they are concerned to you if you are around.

"If you have a problem just tell me okay? And we will talk about it okay?" I nod and smiled at her "Of course! You are my big sis at all I should tell you all my worries and concerns right?" she smiled and hugged me "Attaboy!" she said patting my head.

"Kirk, we're here! Let's get off the bus now" she wake me up as I have this habit of sleeping anywhere I felt sleepy and most of the time it's the bus either I'm standing up or sitting on a chair I can sleep.

I wave goodbye as I watched her cross the street "See ya later!" then I started walking towards the Jeepney terminal going to Cielito Homes

The street is so crowded with all those busy people making a living and some are getting late for their work as you can see them running and frequently looking at their wrist watch checking the time.

"Cielito Homes"

I paid for one but only half of my butt can fit in and that's only here in the Philippines! I didn't complain anymore as I'm tired and it's already pass 10:00 in the morning and I'm sure my mom is already furious.

***

The dogs started barking as they knew I'm outside the door already but why do I feel like I don't want to go inside?

The door opened and saw my mom doing the laundry and my brother Khalil sweeping the floor, I removed my shoes outside and put it on the shoe rack before I went in directly to the bedroom to change to a comfortable clothes.

"What time is it already?" asked my mom in an angry tone.

"It's already 10:35 in the morning mom." I answered her.

"What do you think of us robot?! You left us with nothing even a cent and you have the audacity to go home at this hour? I'm working like a maid here in this house ever since I resigned and I received what? Stress! Body pain! Never ending tiredness! And you won't go home on time!" she's shouting at me and I'm getting frustrated right now.

I went out of the room and fetch my vitamins which is ferrous sulfate to make me sleep as well because every time I take this I will fall asleep.

My mom continued to nag at me while throwing clothes from one basin to another "You are so selfish! You only think about yourself! As long as you are able to eat with your friends outside you are satisfied then you will not think about your maids! That people you left in your house! You only think about your stomach!" then my tears started to fall from my eyes.

I know for myself that it's not true, I never put myself first before them. If I did, I should be wearing fancy clothes not this ripped jeans in between my tighs as well as original shoes not the knocked out ones.

"Mom, we just had our after shift meeting and we didn't even ate outside. We just discuss things out inside the office and I even borrowed a money from one of my teammates for us to be able to eat today" I explained to her.

"Stop with your reasons son! You are only my son and I am your mother so I know you when you are telling the truth or not. Khalil! Go to the market and buy one kilograms of chicken! We deserve to eat" I tried my best to hide my tears and my frustration.

If my mom knows me very well she should know already that I am hurting emotionally aside from being worn out doing physical things. She stand up to hang the clothes as she's already finish doing the laundry.

I went to the dining table again where I left the bottle of Ferrous Sulfate and looked at it. My mind feels empty and not functioning as I couldn't think of anything. My mom is outside hanging the clothes to dry, my brother is outside, and no one is looking at me right now.

Selfish!

You only think about your own stomach!

Ugly!

Lazy and self-centered!

Undergraduate? Okay.

Look at your clothes!

Fat! Fat! Fat!

All of the hurtful words flashes back on my mind and tears won't stop from falling. "If only my mommy is still alive" I whispered myself and opened the bottle again pouring a handful of tablets on my hand.

I'm chocking as I am forcing to drink all of the tablets inside me. Trying to cure the pain inside, the pain that is already killing me. It's already three years of me neglecting myself and thinking only of them while providing all of their needs and wants but it seems that everything that I am doing is not enough. It's not enough to make them happy and satisfied because they want more.

I'm tired.

I don't want to talk anymore.

I just waI went back inside the room and just lay down on my bed closing my eyes. I turn to my right side facing the plain white wall for them not to see me cry.

I closed my eyes hoping that I'm not going to wake up.

I can hear them cooking outside. My brother is the one cooking right now and my mom is resting waiting for the dish to be cooked. I just suddenly felt something is boiling inside me and I'm starting to have chills and cold sweat on my forehead.

I just kept my eyes shut.

I don't want to wake up.

"Hey! Lunch is ready let's eat!" my brother called me and as I open my eyes I think everything is shaking but I tried to act normal "How are you feeling?" my mom asked me, maybe she saw the empty bottles of ferrous sulfate.

"I'm alright" I s at her but why am I not seeing any sincerity or even being worried whenever she look at me? Am I really her son? It makes me wonder because ever since I was born I never felt her being my mom.

I get a spoonful of rice and chicken meat and as soon as I swallowed it I ran to the comfort room and started throwing up. It felt like something is squeezing my stomach from the inside and I can't control myself I just keep on throwing up.

It smells awful like a rust from your metallic gate getting wet, It tastes awful and smell awful. I'm confused if I am throwing up blood or the tablets itself because that's all I can see. It looks like a blood coming from the inside.

I stopped throwing up for like three fucking minutes and I'm about to lose my energy so I just sat there on the cold floor inside the bathroom and I can hear nothing from the outside. The door on the comfort room was left open and I thought I saw a shadow looking at me on my peripheral vision but as I look at it directly I'm not sure if I'm hallucinating or what that silhouette just ran away.

I started vomiting again so I put my hand on the wall for support because I'm getting really weak. It's draining my energy until I felt the need to take a dump. So I did, but all that is going out of me is a liquid that smells like rust and looked like blood.

Is this how it feels like?

Dying?

Am I really dying?

Thirty fucking minutes had passed of me vomiting and pooping and now I don't have the energy to stand up anymore. I am lying down now on this cold white floor with the showers turned on as I just want to be wet. No I want to drown myself to nothingness.

"Why do I need to suffer?"

"Why me?"

"Why do I have to live like this?"

"We are taking you to the hospital now, I borrowed money from our neighboor" my mom and my brother are trying to pull me up as she covered me with a bath towel "Go get your brother warm clothes to wear!" she told my brother.

I saw my little brother Ryan crying while saying 'kuya' and that made me cry again. I can't feel anything but sadness right now. I looked at my mom again and she's just staring at me with the blank expression.

I can see no emotion from her and I think she's just doing this because she was afraid that no one will ever provide their needs anymore? Yeah, I think that's it.

I smirked. I'm dying anyway what's the use of knowing if she truly cares about me? 'I'm having a hard time to breathe right now. I can even hear my own heart beating right now from my own ears.

I'm dizzy.

I'm so tired.

I just want to take a rest.

"I-I'm so tired mom, I want to rest now please..." I said in a hoarse tone as my throat became scratchy maybe because of non-stop vomitting.

Everything flashes back on my mind. The memories are clear and I can still feel sadness and hurt. Yes, I was hurt and still hurting inside. It's like a deep wound that will never heal.

I want to die.

They called a taxi to take me to a hospital "Take us to PGH emergency entrance said my mom" she's looking at me with those blank expression and just keeps on sighing. I felt like she's more of being upset than worried?

I'm just tired.

I want everything to end.

I want to die.

***