Chapter 1

There is a saying; when loves comes knocking on your door, open it and let it in. But it's not always possible to do so, or even easy to do so. My whole life, I waited patiently for that moment. And when it came, I didn't expect it to leave scars that could take a lifetime for them to heal. Or maybe what I thought was that moment wasn't actually that moment. Because if that was the moment that I had been waiting for then what is this moment?

And if this actually is that moment then why is the timing so bad? Why has it come when my hands are tied and lips are zipped? Because today more than healing my scars something else has become my priority. And that's the reason why when it did come knocking, I walked away from it. I wanted to turn around and go back. I wanted to listen to all the thoughts running through my head. But I cannot do that. I cannot turn back. I just… can't.

With a heavy heart, I walked more and more far away from my heart. Life throws problems at you in the most unexpected time. Maybe there is a reason why this happened today. I want to believe that and I do. I wiped away the tears that had run down my cheeks. It's time to go back to that hell hole that I need to escape from. And that is going to be soon. Without turning back, I walked straight ahead and entered the waiting Taxi. It's a good thing that I asked the driver to wait for me to come back even if I had to pay extra. I gave the taxi driver my address. Before I knew it, the car had stopped. I looked outside and saw that I am here. Paying the driver, I got out. Knowing that no one is home at the moment, I got in relaxed.

The dark house reminded me of my own life. Without bothering to switch on any lights, I went to the living room to keep the house key inside the bowl near the photo frames. My eyes stopped on the smiling couple in the picture. I felt a pang of pain hit me hard as I remembered how it was supposed to be and how it is now. This is no time to be sad. It has been too long now. Shaking all the thoughts away, I went upstairs to take a shower and get changed. I had taken a shower before going out but I need another shower again. This has been another habit I have started without realizing. But no number of showers make the feeling go away. That suffocating, disgusted feeling.

After the shower I went back down to cook dinner before the owner of the house came. I took extra care on making the dinner delicious and look appetizing. I was done making dinner and setting up the table when I heard the main door open. I felt my breathe get stuck in my throat. Please! Please not today. I can't today. I heard his footsteps get closer, making me snap out of my thoughts and quickly put myself together. I quickly pretended I was still setting the table and only looked up when felt him stand at the kitchen doorway. I forced myself to give him a smile which would look genuine.

"Welcome home honey." I stopped whatever I was doing and went to him. I helped him take off his coat and tie so that he can eat something before going to freshen up. He always eats before he starts to get ready for bed. I was almost about slip away without letting him lay a finger on me, but luck wasn't on my side again. I felt him wrap his hand around my waist and pull me making me crash on to him. He leaned in placing a kiss on my lips. As much as I didn't want that, I gave myself in. Afterall he is my husband. I cannot reject his skin ship. Have done that a couple of times and got nothing but pain. As much as I want to push him away, I cannot do that. I cannot put my self in any kind of harm anymore and for that I need to give in to everything he wants. Just for a few more days. Few more days and I will be out of here.

Thankfully he enjoyed what I cooked. Feeling content, he went upstairs to freshen up. Once he was out of my sight, I let go of the breath I had been holding since he came in. I took my time washing the plates and cleaning the place. Once I was done, I went upstairs. He is home and I have to be where he can see me. Or else I don't know what he will do to me. Swallowing the terrified feeling and hiding away the emotions, I open the door and walked inside the room. I noticed that he was still in the shower. Taking the chance of his absence I decided to change my clothes quickly. Before he comes out, I want to be covered up. I don't want to give him any kind of invitation to touch me.

I kept my focus on the sound of the running water from inside the bathroom as I opened the cupboard and took out my sleep wear. I took out a long sleeve shirt and pair of comfortable pants. I took off my clothes and put in the laundry basket. I could still hear the water running. I don't know when I lost my focus on that sound, because just as took the shirt in my hand to wear, I felt cold hands wrapped around my bare body and hot breathe behind my ear. I felt myself go stiff. Oh no.

"What are you doing?" He asked in a very hungry voice.

"I—I am getting ready for bed." I tried to hide the nervousness.

"Since when did you start wearing so many clothes for bed?" When he asked his tone terrified me.

"You know I get really cold at night during winter. I have been feeling feverish the whole day." I made up a lie on the spot, but it was true. I do get really cold. Winter is not my favorite season.

I felt his lips touch my shoulder and trail up to the back of my ear. "I know a way to keep you warm and for that clothes won't be needed." I knew what he meant. I want to push him away so badly. But I cannot, so I gave in. I let him do what he wanted and in return I was saved from any kind of harm.

Once he was tired, he stopped and rolled to the other side leaving me feeling used and disgusted of my own self. I wanted a shower so badly, but I knew better. I no longer have any strength to move even a finger. Maybe it was the tiredness that pulled me into a dreamless sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I couldn't figure out what the time was when the cold room woke me up. The room was still dark and he was still sleeping. My whole body ached as I pushed myself up from the bed and went to the bathroom. The shower that I craved for the moment he touches me; I took time in enjoying it. Even when I got out, he was still sleeping. What is the time? After drying myself up, I put on comfortable clothes. I couldn't find my phone from anywhere inside the room. Quietly as possible, I left the room and head downstairs to find my phone before doing anything else. Not finding it in the living room, I went to the kitchen. The phone was lying on the kitchen counter. Can't believe I forgot to take it with me last night. When I pressed open the phone, I saw that it was a little past five. I still have around forty-five minutes before he wakes up to go to work.

The thought of making breakfast made my stomach growled bringing back what I had forgotten for a brief moment. I can no longer skip meals. I need to take extra care of my body. Need to be strong. Making as less noise as possible, I started to make breakfast for myself. I was frying the sausage when the smell started to make me feel sick. Maybe sausage is not such a good idea. Settling with some jam and toast and a warm cup of hot chocolate, I settled at the dining table. Even though my stomach was growling, I wasn't able to eat more than one toast. With the hot chocolate cup in hand, I went and sat on the couch next to the window in the living room, my favorite spot in the house. During the seasons except winter, I always sit on the same spot with the windows open. I took a sip as I looked out. Overnight it has snowed a lot. The grass was covered with snow. I hate the cold that comes winter and I don't like the season either but snow is something that I find it very pretty. It looks so clean and so white. You never know what is under it.

"I wish I can use snow cover the scars in my heart." I felt the sadness wash over me again. Maybe it is impossible. I looked down and placed my hand on my stomach. "No matter how many scars I have, I am not going to let any of it even graze you. I am going to protect you from everything, specially this life. I am going to protect you and love you my baby. No m—

The sound of the door close stopped the word in middle. He is awake. Quickly I stood up and silently ran to the kitchen. In one sip I drank the remaining in the cup and washed the used plates. Just in time I turned around to see him staring at me.

"Good morning. What should I make you fore breakfast?" I asked lovingly.

"You were not there when I woke up." the calmness in his voice sent chills down my spine. I immediately knew he was not at all happy about it.

"I woke up feeling cold and I came down looking for my phone because I wanted to know the time." I answered his unasked question honestly.

"Did you have breakfast without me?" He asked looking at the washed dishes behind me.

"No. Just drank a cup of hot chocolate only. I didn't wash all the plates last night because I was a bit tired, so I just washed it now." Throughout the years I have gotten better at lying. After all, that's what have saved me numerous times.

"Oh I see. Okay, but you know how I feel about waking up alone after being with you right?" He asked walking closer to me. He didn't stop until he was a breath away from me. The whole time our eyes were locked.

"Yes I do know. That's why I am sorry. You know me better than anyone so I know you will understand me. " I put my hands around his neck and tiptoed a little to give him a morning kiss. Immediately he wrapped his hands around my waist and behind my neck holding me into place. Again? I was just only giving him a peck, why is this happening? Taking me by surprise he kissed me back heatedly. I felt the back of my sweater go up and the freezing touch of his hand on my skin. Before I could get a hold of what's happening, I felt a painfully cold surface touch my back. Soon my sweater was off my body. There was no point in fighting no matter how much I want to push him away, so once again I just went along. I let myself drown in the feeling to just pretend that I am okay with this. For a brief moment I was successful but as soon as it started, it ended. The kissing stopped but with that came something I wasn't expecting. Maybe It had slipped my mind that something like this could happen because something he was doing something already. But I was wrong. I shouldn't have let my guard down. I shouldn't have forgotten. I shouldn't have let myself drown. The extreme pain that came from the back of my shoulder made me unintentionally push him away. But of course, he didn't budge. I turned my face a little to look at what he is burning me with and saw that it was the metal spatula that I was using to fry the sausage. I also saw that the stove was on. When did he on that? I looked at him to see him looking at me with anger. How did I forget to wash that?

He pressed the hot spatula more into my skin making me scream in pain. Immediately he stopped and put his hand on my mouth. "Shh. Don't scream darling, you don't want to wake up the neighbors, do you?" He asked in a scary tone. I shook my head. He removed his hand from my mouth.

"Good. Now tell me, what made you think you can lie to me and get away with it?" he asked gently brushing away the hair that was fallen on my forehead.

"I am sorry." I forced the between my muffled cries.

"Oh, you are sorry?" I nod furiously to his question.

"But I am not. You dare go against what I have told you. You left the bed before I woke up and you had breakfast without me. You know what I feel about you going against me and you remember what happened the last time you went against me right? Or should I remind you?" He talked with a sickening smile on him. The memories of that day made me more scared than I already was.

"I am really sorry. I won't do it again. I promise. Please forgive me. I am really sorry." I begged him. I fell down on his feet and begged him.

"I will forgive you. But first I will have to punish you." He pulled me up. As he did, his fingers were pressed on to the area that he had burned.

"Punish? What are you going to do?" I asked scared.

"Oh, I am going to do a lot of things. But first, I am going to do what I what I was hoping to do to begin my day. Let's go my darling." He took a hold of my hand and dragged me upstairs. Please please no!!! I internally screamed.

As soon as we entered, he slapped me hard making me feel on the bed. I felt tears fill up my eyes. Without giving me any time, I felt him drag off my pants. I looked at him and saw that his clothes were off. Roughly he started kissing up my body. As he came up, he kept hurting me. Holding to hard, pressing too hard or biting too hard. When he was in my face level he sat up. Thankfully he didn't sit on my stomach. He slapped me on my face again and again. I didn't dare fight him. He had his way with me. Much roughly than he has ever.

For the first time I wasn't scared for me. I was scared for my baby. I need to run away. I need to. I can't wait for a couple of day to come up with a plan and then run away I need to do this now. The safety of my baby is in my hands and I cannot let my baby down. The thought of my baby getting any harm is what made me do what I did. For the first time since that first time, I fought back. Taking him off guard, I pushed him off me. He fell of the bed quiet loudly. Taking the chance, I stood up ignoring the pain that went through my body. Quickly opening the cupboard, I took out my robe. I was putting it on and went I was tugged back by my hair. He pulled me close to him with a dangerous look in his eyes

"How dare you push me? I am going to make you regret it. I am going to make you wish you hadn't done that." Letting my hair go, he punched me. The impact made me fall on the ground. Shaking I touched where he punched and felt a wetness. Bringing my hands to sight I saw that it was blood. He was standing Infront of me looking at me with a murderous look. He lifted me up by my forearm and pressed me to the closed door of our room. He had my one hand locked behind me as he threatened me. Scared and helpless my eyes roamed around the room searching for something that can help me. That is when I caught the sight of my make up bag. It has something that can help me. How can I get there? Its too far from where I am standing. There is one way. I can't hit him with my leg because he has his knees pressed to the back on my knees holding my leg in place and I cant use my free hand to do any harm. It was protecting the baby from the repeated impacts between my tummy and the door. I need to get to it. But how?

'I am going to get you us out of this. Protect yourself for now' I talked to the baby. Removing my hand from my tummy, I put my hand behind me and pinched him hard. I put all my strength to make sure it hurt him enough to let go. And he did. With a scream, he let go. Taking full advantage of the chance, I ran to the bag and quickly took out my prized possession. I never thought I would have to use this. I had secretly bought it for my protection if it ever goes to an extreme level. This is not extreme compared to what I had gone through but now it's not about me. My baby is in danger and that is enough for me to take this out. I looked at the mirror just in time to see him come at me. I turned around showing him the knife I held tight in my hand. His eyes widened when he saw the knife. For the first time I saw fear in his eyes because of me.

"Don't take a step close Jake!" I threatened him. Keeping a safe distance, I moved around and went near the door where my robe had fallen. I quickly put it on and tied it securely around me. He tried to come at me when I was tying the robe, but I quickly pushed the knife at him making him halt on his steps. With my eyes and body faced to him, I opened the door and stepped outside. But if I leave like this then he might run away. I can't let him run away. I stepped back inside the room. I was aware of the fact that he was watching my every move. I easily found what I was looking for. The high table near the door where the vase kept was also the place where our sets of room key is kept. I took all the keys out of the bowl.

"What are you doing Eileen?" He asked sounding scared. I felt a joyous feeling from seeing the emotion on his face.

"This is over. I am done with this." There was much more I wanted to say but now is not the time. I need to run away and I need to make sure he doesn't get to. I closed the door and locked it quickly. He started banging the door loudly. That is when I heard my racing heart. Without wasting any time I ran downstairs. I found my phone on the sofa seat near the window. Quickly I dialed the number of the police. Within the first ring they answered.

"NYPD, how can I help you?"

"Hello." I tried to keep my shaky voice calm.

"How can I help you?" She asked again.

"Can you please send police to west side 39th street end, house number 120073!" I said it more as a statement.

"May I know what's going on?" She asked again.

"I will explain everything but can you please send police immediately. I don't know for how long can a door hold him. Please please I beg you. Please send help." I could no longer hold the tears.

"I am sending them immediately. Stay out of the house. Can you give me your name?" She asked. I could hear shuffling sound from the background.

"Its Eileen."

"Alright. Eileen, stay calm and help will be there soon. Stay out no matter what." Saying that she hung up. I could hear loud banging from upstairs. I took out the house keys from the bowl including the spare ones and left the house. The second I stepped out of the house; I was met with the freezing cold of the winter. Ignoring the cold, I locked the door from outside. I quickly dialed the one person in the world who knows about the abuse and wanted me out of this hell hole, my best friend Anna. It took just one ring for her to answer.

"Whoever this is, I am real—

"Anna…" I couldn't say a word more before I could no longer hold in.

"Leen, what's going on? Why are you crying?" her panicked voice pushed me to calm down.

"Please, please come here." I tried to talk properly.

"On my way." Saying the I heard the line go dead. I knew I didn't have to worry about her not coming.

The cold started get to me. I looked down to see that in the rush I had forgotten to put on even a slipper. I can do this. Its just going to be a few minutes before police or anna comes. Until then I can do this. I have to do this. I will be fine. We will be fine. I told myself as I looked down to my unborn baby.

As my thought ended, I heard the sound of cars stop close to where I am. I looked up to see three police cars. "This is the end baby, it's all going to be fine starting from now." I said placing my hands on my tummy. The doors of the car opened and I saw the officers get out. I felt so glad seeing them. But, where is she? Where is that familiar blue car? Where is Anna? Just as I wondered, I saw someone cut through the male officers and come running towards me. That is when relief washed over me making me lose all the strength. She immediately came and hugged me. That was it for me to lose control of the emotions and burst out crying. Feeling my best friend's warmth wrapped around me comforted me.

"Please tell me what's going on?" I heard her ask. I pulled away to look at her face. She gasped at the sight of me. I must look horrible for her to gasp like that.

"He hit you again?!" She looked terrifying as she said it. I opened my mouth to answer but before I could, a voice from behind interrupted our conversation. Anna removed her hands from me and stepped to my side giving me the view of the person who was talking. It was a police officer. She must want to ask me questions.

"You must be Eileen?" She said it in a way she was looking for confirmation.

"Yes, this is she." I wiped away the tears on my cheeks as I answered her.

"You did a really great job. We were able to catch him." Her words reached my ears like music making me relieved and happy at the same time.

"Let go! I said let go!" The familiar voice of my husband reached my ears. I turned away from the police officer and at the door to see two very muscled police officers holding Jake in a way no matter how much he tries he won't be able to get out of their hold. He looked at me. And when he did, his eyes contained only hate and anger. This time I didn't get scared.

"How dare you do this? When I am out, I am going to make you regret this!" Today his threats didn't make me feel anything.

"Take him away officer." I said to the officers holding him in place. The gave me a nod and continued their way.

"I have some questions that I want to ask. But first let's get you inside." The officer stepped up onto the porch directing us into the house.

"Can we not do it inside the house? Please?" I asked looking at anna. I am not ready to step back into the house after stepping out.

"Of course. Where would you like to go?" Anna asked me.

"Your hospital. I need to make sure of something." I answered looking at the both of them. I haven't told anna about my pregnancy and this is not how I planned on telling her.

"But first let me go grab you a pair of shoes. You cannot walk in the snow on barefoot." She ran inside the house and came out quickly. I put on the shoes and as soon as I did, I felt much warmer. "You need clothes too but I have my spare clothes in my office which you can wear. Let's go." She held my hand giving me comfort.

We reached the hospital faster than I thought. My nervousness reached its peak as we got out of the car and went inside the hospital. Without any questioning from the staffs we were able to go to her office.

"Let's tend to your wounds now. "She made me sit down.

"That's not what I wanted to check." I said in a very low voice.

She looked at me questioningly. "What else is there to check?" She asked confused.

"If my baby is healthy." I said in a barely audible voice.

"What? I am sorry but I don't think I heard you right."

You heard it right. I want to check if my baby is healthy." I said it loudly this time.

She didn't stand still for more than a second. She grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the office.

"Where are you taking me?" I asked. But I don't think she heard a thing. She slowed down as we reached the end of the corridor. I looked at the title on the door. It was the sonogram room. She opened the door and entered with me behind.

"Is there a patient coming in right now?" Anna asked the sonographer sitting near the desk.

"No. Not for another two hours." The person said looking at the time.

"Good. Because I have a patient here whom I want you to look at. She is family." She stepped aside showing me to the person.

"Please lay down." The man showed me the bed. That is when I remembered that I don't have anything on under the robe. How can I lay down?

"Can you turn around till I do?" I asked the man. He looked at anna with a questioning look. I don't know what she did but he turned around. I went to the bed and took off the sheet on the bed. As I sat down, I covered myself below my waist and laid down. I kept the sheet low, at the level where it should and tucked it under me. Tightly enough that it won't slip off. I remember how the sonographer did in my first scan for pregnancy confirmation.

"It's okay now." I let the person know. He turned around. Starting from there, I felt like as if everything was happening painfully slow. Holding my breath, I waited for the doctor to say the words I am thirsting to hear.

A few second later I heard the sound of my happiness reach my ears.

"That's the sound of your baby's heartbeat." The sonographer confirmed it for me.

"So, the baby is healthy?" I asked still nervous.

"Yes. It sounds so. Your baby sounds really healthy." His words were it to have tears run down my eyes. Knowing that we both survived and got out of that place healthy made me glad and relieved.

"You can use this to wipe away the gel. Would you like the image in a CD or as pictures on paper?" He asked.

"Pictures. Thank you so much doctor." I felt so grateful.

"This is what I do. And Congratulations." The smile on the doctor showed me how genuine his words were.

"Thank you." I said back.

I stood up from the bed and put back on the shoes.

"I will send it to Dr. Anna's office." I gave a nod and left the room with Anna at the front.

She didn't say a word even when we reached her office. The police officer was still waiting but now she had a warm cup of tea or maybe coffee in her hand.

"Sorry for making you wait." Anna apologized as soon as we entered.

"It fine. Did you confirm what you wanted to?" She asked gently. She didn't sound at all bothered for waiting.

"Yeah we did. Thank you for waiting and let's sit down." Anna directed to the sofa set at the corner of the office.

"I made a cup of coffee if you don't mind." She also settled down at the sofa.

"Now tell me. What happened?" She asked getting serious. But she sounded so gentle that I didn't feel at all hesitant to tell her.

"We got married after two years of dating. He is my first love and I said yes when he asked me. The first year of our marriage was normal as it can be. It was how it's supposed to be. It was in the second year of marriage when one day I had refused to be intimate with him and he raised his hand on me. He apologized when he saw that I was hurt. So, I forgave him since it was the first time. Now I know I should not have. It didn't happen again for a few days. But then it happened again. First it was just slapping and punches. Then he started forcing himself on me. After a certain time, I felt dead inside and I just didn't care. One day I got really hurt that I had no choice but come to a hospital and I came to her. She wanted me to report but I didn't. Because he had threatened to kill me if ever did something like that. Thinking about my mom I stopped myself. Every time I got hurt, I came to her to get my wounds treated. A week ago, I started to feel sick, at first, I thought I had eaten something bad but the vomiting didn't stop for days so I went to a clinic at the other side of the city to avoid Jake from ever finding out. That day I found out I was pregnant. That is what I went to confirm I wanted to know if my baby is okay. That day I decided that I needed out. That I needed to stop and save myself for the baby. After years I got a reason to live and I didn't want that man anywhere near my baby. I knew it would take me a few days to come up with a plan without him finding out but in the end this happened." I told the officer the whole story.

"Thank you for telling me all that. If you would allow me, I want to take pictures of the wounds for more proof. You can build a strong case on this and put him in jail for a long time." She suggested strongly.

"Alright." I agreed.

I showed her the fresh wounds and the places that still had the color and haven't healed yet.

"I have something more that could help." Anna spoke.

"Anything will help her." The officer replied back.

"Please don't be mad Leen, I took pictures of your wounds whenever you came here for treatment with fresh ones on yourself. I didn't ask your permission because I had a feeling that you will not allow it but I needed to gather proof so that one day when this happens, I can be a help. I am sorry but I am also not sorry." Hearing her say that, for a brief moment I was mad but I understood her and she is right, maybe at that time I would not have allowed her if she asked.

"I am glad you didn't ask and did that. I am not mad. Thank you for doing it actually." Words can't show how grateful I am to her for everything.

"The pictures are in my phone; I can send it to you." Anna went closer to the officer so that she can send the pictures.

Once that was done, the officer left leaving just us best friends alone. The first thing I did was apologize to her for not telling her that very moment when I found out about my pregnancy. I also told he that I was planning on telling you the next day, but nothing went as I had planned.

"It actually went better. You didn't have to wait for a week to come up with a plan and get free. You are free now. You will win this battle. I know you will. And you can get a divorce from him and leave the country. Maybe, go back to your mom?" Anna suggested.

Do I really want to go and be a burden to my mom? But I need her. The comfort from my best friend is what I need right now but I want to lay in my mom's arms and listen to what she has to say because I need that more.

"You are okay with me leaving?" I asked her.

"Of course, I am not. But this isn't about me. Its about you and your baby. I want you both to be safe." I hugged her hearing her words.

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Thanks to all the proof gathered by anna and the police officers, I was able to build a strong case. The court had asked me what I wanted to do with the house and my marriage with him. Without any hesitation, I told them what I wanted and they agreed, putting Jake behind the bars for five years. I wanted him in jail for his whole life but I respected the law and five years is good for me. Weeks had gone by with me running around because of the case. It took me weeks to finally go back to the house to get some of my important things. I didn't want to take anything that was connected to this house, so I only took what I had brought into the house and nothing that the house gave me. Easy enough, I was able to sell the house to a beautiful family. The reason why I told the court that I wanted to sell the house was because, the house is very beautiful. The house may have given me a sad life but I knew that a family can make the house a happy place if given a chance. By the time I was done taking care of everything, my divorce also was settled. Not wanting to be connected to him in any way, I didn't ask anything from the divorce. I just wanted to be free and I got it, I didn't want anything more.

With the help of anna, I left the country leaving everything that once was important to me. I changed my whole life into a unknown place for my dreams, Anna and for Jake. Anna is the only reason why I hesitated leaving but she is right, my baby's safety is much important now. I don't know what is gonna happen in my life from now on, and I don't know how I am going to handle everything but my heart tells me that I am not going to be alone in this.

After years of torture I am free. That is the first step of a new beginning. Now that I am leaving, I am never coming back. I am not going to put my foot in New York ever again.