Breakfast and Shelve

Waking up every day to a beautiful sunny day must be a blessing to millions of others but it was the hardest task of the day for me.

You could ask me to move the mountains, but no labor can match the effort it took me to get up in the morning.

Maybe it's because deep down my mind knows what events will follow once I'm awake.

It was a perfectly normal day.

I opened my eyes and ears to appa's aggressive discussion with someone. From whatever I could collect while getting up and going to the bathroom, he was disturbed with amma about something related to the ironing of his clothes.

I am not a fancy person. My morning routine is also pretty simple - wake up, brush your teeth, take shower, if I feel like, drink warm lemon water, wash dishes from the night before, and at last, drink tea with breakfast while getting a lecture from appa over some very benign mistake.

It all was very simple.

"Why don't you buy me a bicycle or scooter?" I finally asked today.

It was only amma and appa there at the table at that time. Kunal had left already and Nagma was asleep.

"I don't like trains. I hate the smell." When there was no response, I tried to reason this time.

Amma was eating her paratha with achaar and appa was watching some video about how pudina (mint) can help us improve our overall health.

"Khana Uncle, appa?", I thought it better to change the topic.

"Huh?", he got puzzled.

"Khanna Uncle sent it? the video", I had to maintain my calm or else they never shied away from giving me lectures, even thrice a day.

There was again just silence for a moment, I took a bite from her sandwich.

"Oh, yes. Yes. Very good. I will share it with you too. Watch it. It tells about Pudina and how we can use it…"

"I need a scooter appa", I cut him off just as he was getting into his zone. I knew he would be forced to respond to me if I ask when I had his full attention.

It highly disappointed him at how he got played with her, "Okay. I heard it the first time too."

"So…"

"So, wait. I will see if I can manage next month," he continued his video and went back to his position and spit the words like a dialogue from the script. His tone was bi-layered - anger and his own incapability.

"Next time. Next month. Next. Next. Next. NEXT!" I lost my cool at that moment. But I did not want to get rude to them, but my body felt to be moving on its own. Heat building up, and words coming out on their own. I seemed to have all control over myself even.

"All you have for me is this word. NEXT TIME!", I stood from my chair and threw the sandwich towards the table, and turned to my room, "you never have anything for me. I don't matter to you"

When I went inside to grab my handbag, my eyes wandered to the shelved collection of school books, and it infuriated my body further.

I felt like a person outside my own body, and I could see myself rushing out of the room and confronting them for the hundredth time, "Only he matters to you, your only son. Your precious son! And because she's the youngest so she can get things and what about me?"

When I knew all of this will bring them no harm but more torture and emotional blackmailing for me, just like every other 'conversation' with them last time.

I could amma standing up and reaching out for me, but my body did not wait for her to come near and stormed out without saying any word.

I wonder how many times I've let it happen. How many times some power had hijacked me and forced me to speak where I should have kept quiet, and kept quiet where I should have said something.

With tears streaming on my cheeks, and trembling lips, I walked the local streets of Gujrat.

"I will run away." Only words could find light in my dark mind, and my body seemed to be agreeing with it.

"I will. One day."