I’m a massive idiot (Zephyr)

I run my hands through my hair not caring that I'm messing up the last bit of the gel still keeping it slicked back as I pace around my bedroom.

I kissed her I can't believe I kissed her and even more like the coward I am I ran away from her. I run my fingers over my lips still feeling the fire of her lips against mine.

The magic in her body is stronger than any of us could have ever guessed. I've never kissed any mage and felt their magic mix and swirl with mine coursing through my own body like my own icy magic does. I haven't even kissed another women since Celene died.

Yet this women I've only just met reminds me so much of her. The way she smiles and the way she talks to me like she's not afraid of me like so many others are. It's part of the job keeping up the cold business persona. I have entire family I have to run and to protect. I didn't build all of this to let it all fall to the ground because my heart is too soft. I had to encase my heart in ice to keep this place afloat. I couldn't live with myself if I ruined this family and left the people I only wish to protect with no where to go. I already failed to protect someone once before because I let myself go too soft.

It's better to be the cold unapproachable one. To keep my heart encased in the icy magic they swirls through my body. Luca and Asta balance me out they are the ones people can go to when they really need things. I'm the one who does all of the dirty and hard work to keep this place going. When Luna stares into my eyes though it like she sees past all of my acts to the person I really am inside. I don't think I could ever truly hide anything from her watchful gaze. It always feels like those sky blue eyes are boring into my very soul.

It's insane to want someone I just met so badly. I know I'm not alone In feeling this way though. The jealously that forms like a hateful unwelcome knot in my stomach every time I see her with Asta is so much more than I ever felt with Celene. That could be because I always knew she was going to be mine. Luna is a mystery. She's a blank page that anyone could write their story in.

I want to be the one to write my story in those blank pages. I want to be the one she gives that brilliant shining smile to that makes her look like a goddess. I want to hear her laughter that sounds like the sweetest of songs sung by elves at festivals. I want it all to myself. I want to hold her everyday and keep her by my side. I know that's not logically possible. I have a family to run and I'll always be busy in the moments she would need me the most.

It would be selfish of me to give up all my duties to be by her side every-time she needs it or just simply because I crave to be by her side. It's a also possible im so infatuated because of how much she reminds me of Celene and I shouldn't be chasing her to fill that void. That's my trauma and mine alone to live with I shouldn't use her. That's what my brain says at least.

My heart on the other hand wants her to fill that void more than anything. It's a conflicting feeling and I don't know how to act. I've always be logical and rational. I've always followed my brain and not my heart and now the two seem to be fighting each other in a way I've never had happen before. I should go find her I should talk to her at least. I shouldn't have just run away from her. Explain it was a mistake. No I can't do that I don't believe it was a mistake as much as I should. It felt right her lips on mine.

I don't want her to ever think she's a mistake in anyway when everything about her is so unbelievably perfect. I need to try to talk to her at least. Even if I don't trust myself to not break and tell her to never leave my side. That wouldn't be fair.

The most I can do is eventually ask for a chance. I can't ignore the way she shines brighter than she does with me when she's with Asta. No matter how much I might want to ignore it and lock her away to claim her as mine forever. She is her own person and she deserves a choice in the matter.

"Where is she?" I recognize Astas deep voice coming from down the hallway.

The angry accusing tone to it makes the magic in my veins boil to the surface. He rounds the corner of the hallway. His red hair is even messier than normal like he's been running his hands through it it the way he often does. It's been a nervous habit of his for as long as I've known him. The expression on his face is anger laced with worry underneath it all.

"What do you mean I assumed she was with you." I keep my voice as calm as always even with the anger bubbling up inside me at the thought of her being lost. I don't know if I'm angry at Asta or myself.

I should be mad at myself I saw her last. I'm the one who kissed her and ran away like a stupid fucking teenager.

"I haven't seen her since you took her out after the training fields. She was in your care last so you tell me where she is." I can sense the magic crackling in the air.

Asta has always had a short temper and his magic is never far behind that temper. Im used to his angry bitter tone but I've never heard such raw concern laced under it all before. It's like he's having to fight breaking down into tears at the thought of Luna being missing.

We are both in so much more trouble than I imagined when it comes to this women. I decide the best route to take is to be honest. Asta might not be able to see into my soul like I feel Luna can, but he has known me most of my life. He knows when I'm lying more often than not.

"I'm a massive idiot that's what happened." I sigh and run my hands through my messed up hair. I need to get myself together I swear. I can't look like such a mess in front of anyone else.

"I kissed her and I ran away like a dumb little boy. I was on my way to look for her. Fuck me." My voice is more shaky and broken than I meant for it to be as images of Celenes dead body flash through my head.

It's too soon for Lunas fire to be diminished when it's barely had time to burn. I hope to the Kitsune gods she's okay.

Asta steps toward me and presses his finger against my chest. Much like Luna he's never been afraid of me he knows me better than anyone. Even Luca doesn't know me like he does. He's the only one who could ever get in my face like this and not face the consequences.

"You are a massive idiot. I can already see she has us both wrapped around her finger without even trying. I'm more than prepared to fight for her love, but I swear to the Kitsune gods if you've already run her off, if she's not found safe and unharmed I will tie you to a stake and burn you alive like humans used to do to our kind. You've failed someone you loved once already don't do it again." His voice is harsh and bitter.

He's more angry than I've ever seen him before. His magic crackles around us and I can feel a burning sensation where his finger is pressed against my chest and the smell of burning clothes fills the hallway. I could easily counter it. I could freeze his fiery touch any moment I wanted to, but I don't I know I deserve this. As harsh as his words are.

The way they cut deep into my soul like a bitter burning knife. It's all deserved. He's not wrong i failed someone I loved already. What right do I have to want her so badly when I'll probably just fail her too.

Asta removes his finger from my chest and I feel the pain of the burn he left there. He spins around on his heels and walks down the hallway.

"I'm going to start searching for her and getting the servants to help. You should look too and not stand there like the useless idiot you are right now." He yells to me his bitter voice cutting through my soul as he disappears around the corner.

I can't even find words to respond with. I don't have any arguments. He didn't say a damn thing that isn't true. Before I even realize it I've punched the wall next to me and blood starts trickling down my knuckles.

I feel exactly like the broken man I was the day Celene went missing. The only other time in my life I've felt so utterly irresponsible and helpless. I run my right hand over my bleeding left hand letting my fingers press into the wounds. I savor the pain as I use it to gain some sort of control over the chaos in my heart and brain at the moment.

I need to get it together enough to start searching for her as well. Would she even want to see me though? I don't know but I have to find out. I have to fix this.