‘The darkness’

What does it mean that she killed herself? How is that possible when I am talking to her on the phone for the past couple of days? How can I speak with her if she had killed herself? Am I talking to a ghost? I thought but then shook my head to think sensibly.

“What does it mean?” I asked her.

“It means that once I attempted to suicide and I killed myself,” she replied. She again said she killed herself even when she was speaking to me. Why was she not using the term ‘almost’? I was perplexed.

“But you are talking to me right now,” I said vaguely.

“Yes, so?” she asked.

“So how is this possible that you killed yourself as well as you are present on the other side of the phone? If a person kills himself, he does not speak, but you are, are not you?” it was an idiotic question. Of course, she was talking to me.

“I said I killed myself. I didn’t say I die,” she said. She was creating riddles for me.

“Can you please care to enlighten me?” I was getting more puzzled, and I was in no mood to play the game of guessing and winning.

“I attempted suicide and succeeded in it when I went into a coma. I remained in that state for almost a year, and then doctors announced that I couldn’t make it, and asked for the permission of my parents to let the doctors remove me from the ventilator, and they did. My parents were crying on my death bed when I unexpectedly started choking. I was struggling to breathe in some air. Doctors quickly put back the ventilator machine, and I started breathing again. I came back from the coma. It was like I came back from death,” she explained. I got stunned hearing that because it was something I watched only in movies where they call that a miracle. I couldn’t even imagine that wonder to happen in reality. But I was more surprised to hear that she attempted suicide.

“What happened that caused you to go into a coma? Why you attempted suicide, and how did you do that?” I asked curiously.

“I jumped from a hill,” she replied.

“What?” I was aghast.

“Yes,” she said.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because I felt like ending my life,” she replied.

“Was there any stress in your life? Were you unhappy? What was the exact reason?" I wanted to know every detail.

“There was no stress. I was not unhappy. There was no reason,” she said.

“Then why did you do that?” I asked again.

“As I said, I just felt like doing that,” she replied. Is she crazy or what? How anyone can take such a step and that too without any reason, I thought.

“I’m not able to understand why you did, what you did, and you are saying it so calmly that there was no reason as if it was no big deal for you. Didn’t you think of your parents, your loved ones? How could you take such a cowardly step?” I was getting infuriated. She didn't say anything for some time, and I thought I might have used a rude tone. Something must have occurred with her, and that did lead her to do such a thing. She might not be feeling comfortable sharing that with me. I silently waited for her response.

“I didn’t go to that hill with the intention of suicide. I went there with my friends to merely have some usual fun. It was our commonplace to hang around. It was not like I went there for the first time. We were playing and laughing, and then without any realization, I found myself on the edge of that hill. I stood there for a while, looked down to the depth of the hill. There was darkness, and that darkness was luring me towards itself. I looked back to see my friends; they were busy with themselves; no one was looking at me. Then I started staring at that darkness again. I don’t know what happened to me at that moment, I stood still for a minute, and then I jumped. I was falling into that darkness, but something was pulling me up from inside of me. I was not scared; I was not sad; I was not happy either; I was entirely blank. Not a single thought or emotion was there in my mind, for the first time in my life. I became part of that darkness when I touched the ground. Though I don’t remember what happened next, I guess that darkness embraced me and kept me in that way for some time,” she explained. She was scaring me. For one moment, I thought she was making the stuff, and she would laugh soon, but she didn’t, which terrified me. I had never met someone who could have such kind of weird thoughts. It was giving me an eerie feeling. I was getting afraid of her, and I didn’t want to talk to her anymore. But neither did I say it to her, nor cut the call.

“Don’t get scared of me. I know what I did was stupid, and I regretted it after that. I still do,” she sensed my thoughts and tried to make me a bit relaxed as I started thinking that she still could be a maniac.

“Are you sure you won’t do that thing again?” I asked while still feeling nervous.

“I have stopped visiting the hills ever after that incident,” she replied. I felt a bit relieved to hear that she did, and she was putting some effort not to let that misfortune happen to her again.

“Where do you live?” I finally asked her the question which I intended to ask her that day.

“I live in Narkanda,” she replied. I had heard of Narkanda but didn’t know much.

“Tell me something about it,” I asked her.

“It’s a Village in Himachal Pradesh, around forty miles away from Shimla,” she said. I had visited Shimla with my friends but never went to Narkanda.

“Is it a beautiful place like Shimla?” I asked.

“I don’t know as per you what is the definition of a beautiful place. For me, a place is beautiful if it gives me solitude, peace, and no urban distractions. But as you called Shimla a beautiful place, then I guess your definition is different than mine,” she said.

“I too love those kinds of places, but as I always go out with my friends just for some fun, so we usually don’t think much before picking a spot. But if I went alone, I would want to stop by such a place,” I replied.

“Would you like to go to someplace like this with me?” she asked. I didn’t find an answer for that for some time. First, she petrified me by telling me about that incident that included hills, and then she was asking if I would like to go to such a place that might be surrounded only by hills. I didn’t want to go near to any hilly site with her. I didn’t want her to have those thoughts again, and moreover, I didn't want her to jump again, but I did say the opposite.

“Yes, I would very much like to go, but only if you promise me to stay by my side the whole time,” I said.

“Don’t worry, I told you I would not do that again,” she tried to assure me. We talked for some more time, and then again around the morning, we wished each other Good night. I put the phone aside and turned off the light. I was about to go to sleep when my phone beeped. I picked it up and checked; her text was flashing. I smiled, but my smile changed into fright as soon as I opened that text.