Me and the monastery

As I was moving down the hallway, I could hear chanting and praying. Young monks were being instructed by senior monks. 

On my walk, I overheard young children discussing moral principles, discipline, and life's hardships. I have already observed similar circumstances here before.

This monastery was accessible to village residents as well as monks. 

The monastery appeared to be an ordinary one, but only a limited few insiders were aware of its precise nature.

I could see lots of familiar faces too. Most of them matured so did I. Their faces were calm but their eyes twinkled seeing me fine. I nod my head and walk forward.

Both inside and outside of the monastery, I like the scenery. Only the aging looks of certain people have altered in this place. 

I arrived at a lake inside the monastery's boundary after passing through the hall and gardens. On a wooden bench by the lake, I'm seated.

The surroundings were pleasant. I was recalling some of my prior experiences in the monastery. 

I've learned a lot of useful, theoretical information, self-defense skills, and how to be more kind in this place. But should I continue to be kind and be Mary Sue? Time will make itself known.

I spent four years on my first visit to this monastery, which was roughly twelve years ago. My unpleasant emotions were out of control at the time.  I become scary and insane when I lose control. 

Nobody has any idea what I'll do next. Nearly everyone fled away from me.

My grandmother urged that I be sent here even though the family members wanted to lock me in a mental institution. She should deserve my gratitude for bringing me here. 

With the guidance of the elders, I was able to regulate some of my emotions here like magic because nothing else was working on me before.

And I remained for a year during my most recent visit, which was around four years ago. At the time, I was depressed.

I observed the sunset and dusk while seated on the bench. I can see all the animals and birds going back to their homes, and the family was there. But for me after the day is over, where should I go back to? To whom should I return to?

'Do I have a family or a house? I don't know if my parents are still alive or where they are. Perhaps the so-called family member doesn't remember my existence either.'

I can't remain in the monastery forever because I don't want to be shackled while being upright. I want to be a free bird soaring high in the sky.

I want to go beyond the horizon and find peace, happiness, and if possible someone who could love and care for me unconditionally under any situation.

The monastery was the only place I could feel at home after my grandmother passed away. My family household wasn't home even when grandma was alive but after her death, it could never be.

I do my best to be here whenever I feel like I can't manage my emotions. It's like magic that whenever I am here my emotions are within control and I feel peaceful and relaxed.

But first, I need to learn the truth about the insane man's statements and anything else connected to them. I have a gut sense that if I ignore it, I will soon face massive danger.

Today, the elders came to see me after dinner. They couldn't hold themselves, and I knew it. 

I could more clearly detect the anxiety on the eldest elder's face than the other elders since I was his youngest disciple.

<< Yeah, he is my first master Leo. Even though I lost control of my emotions during my first stay, he was the first one to approach me and engage in conversation. 

Then I started to stick with him and go wherever he went. He gave me a sense of security for the first time, so I followed him; he later accepted me as his disciple.

During my initial stay, I discovered that my sense organ worked significantly more efficiently than a typical human being.

I was suffering from more than simply hyperesthesia*. 

When I told  Master Leo about it, he sternly banned me from telling anybody else about my condition. Later, I had to leave the monastery because of the passing of my grandmother.>>

They entered the room while I was seated near the window admiring the huge sky. 

They all wanted to give it a shot despite their fears that I wouldn't discuss what transpired. I used to be an introvert before.

They started by questioning me about my health, daily routine, and other things. 

Master Leo eventually lost patience and enquired, "Biva, why were you hurt so badly? What happened to you? You know your body's unusual condition but why were you careless? Don't you have self-love dear?"

He along with others reprimanded me for about an hour.

I listen to them obediently and turned my head toward the distant moon outside the window. I couldn't look into their faces and eyes as I was feeling guilty for making them so worried.

After a brief period, I replied in a hoarse voice, "Master, when has life been easy? I know about my situation but I can't be within a closed door forever hoping I won't get hurt. It makes me feel sick and also won't solve my problems. But I will be more careful in the future." The room turned silent.

They were hoping to learn more even though they knew I would speak less. They pressed me more, but I remained silent since everyone knew I wouldn't answer. 

Finally, they tell me to exercise greater caution and never to put myself in a scenario that may make them feel as if a knife were being held to their throat.

"Follow your aspirations or what is required. However, you must first focus on your recovery. Stay here until you are prepared to face the outside world and go on." And then they left. 

I gave their advice some careful thinking.

Kai and I had already exchanged questions about the time and date of my arrival. He provided the date and informed me that I had been admitted four months before.

'I moved away from Horn Mountain around five months ago. I spent four months unconscious and four and a half months at the monastery. Was I in that dark chamber for half a month? ' my head hurts.

Note: Hyperesthesia refers to increased sensitivity of any of or all sense organs and also increase pain sensation.