The Idiot Box x2

The city was an example of absolute chaos. Screams, shouts, the clang of weapons, the roar of flames - it was all a bit much, even for someone who'd spent two years in a death game and shitting on laughing coffin's stupidity. This wasn't how a civilized society was supposed to function. Time for a system upgrade.

"None of that, yeah," I said, projecting my voice across the city, infusing it with a touch of my newly acquired Empire-Spanning Charisma. And just like that, the fighting stopped. The weapons clattered to the ground, the shouts died in throats, and a stunned silence descended upon the city. Apparently, "divine intervention" was a pretty effective crowd control technique.

Of course, there were always a few glitches in the system- in the forms of fucking morons. A handful of particularly dense individuals, unable to grasp the concept of "no more killing also means don't break stuff," decided that this was the perfect opportunity to engage in some light looting. One particularly dimwitted fellow attempted to make off with a wheel of extremely expensive cheese as well as a very nice looking display set of armor, his efforts hampered by the fact that he was also trying to simultaneously shove a loaf of bread down his pants.

"Okay, no. You guys are going in the idiot box," I declared, my voice laced with amusement. With a thought, I froze the looters in their tracks, a dozen figures caught mid-theft, their expressions frozen in a mixture of confusion and greed. I conjured a dozen dunce caps, each one shimmering with a faint, ethereal glow, and placed them firmly upon the heads of the would-be criminals.

"Sweetie, could you go ahead and–"

"Already did it, Papa! The remaining stupid of the kingdom has been halted and displayed for all to see with a glorious cone declaring their status." Yui chirped, her voice filled with a gleeful pride. "Great use of non-violent discipline on an unruly and unintelligent group of the populace! I give it six Papa Smarts out of ten!"

"Thanks, Yui," I replied, shaking my head at her overly enthusiastic new rating system.

"Adorable," Asuna agreed, her eyes twinkling with amusement. She then snapped her fingers, and with a surge of golden light, a magnificent podium materialized before us. It was crafted from pure gold, engraved with intricate platinum designs and studded with gemstones that shimmered with an otherworldly brilliance.

Asuna hummed the Darth Vader theme, a mischievous grin spreading across her face, and ascended the podium with a regal air.

I followed suit, stifling a chuckle at her theatrics. As I looked out over the stunned faces of our new subjects, I couldn't help but feel a surge of excitement.

I took a deep breath, drawing on the strength of my newly acquired blessings and the inherent confidence that came with being, well, me. With a subtle hand gesture towards Yui, I signaled for her to initiate the next phase of our plan.

Yui, ever the efficient little goddess, snapped her fingers.

A series of colossal video screens, ripped straight from the leveling system menu granted to everyone by that incompetent former deity and enhanced with a touch of her own divine flair, materialized not just across this pathetic excuse for a kingdom, but across the entire world.

Screens bloomed above bustling capital cities, sleepy villages, and desolate wastelands, their ethereal glow illuminating even the darkest corners of this world.

For twenty agonizingly slow seconds, the words "Prepare to receive divine mandate! All declarations by your new Emperor and Empress of this planet are endorsed by your new Over-Goddess Yui!" scrolled across these screens in bold, glowing letters.

The message wasn't just visual; Yui had woven it into the very fabric of their minds, ensuring that even the most illiterate, intellectually-challenged peasant grasped its meaning.

"Hello, everyone!" I announced, my voice amplified by Yui's constructs, reaching every corner of the world.

"There's no longer any need to wonder where your god is anymore, because we're right here! We are here with our divinely selective mercy, specifically for the good and the not-stupid! There are going to be many changes around here! Laws will be passed, iron fists will be decking certain people, and then, for a while, as long as you behave like civilized people, you can have your velvet glove! That's right! Benevolent, all-encompassing rulership!"

As my words echoed across the lands, a wave of reactions rippled through the global populace. The common folk, weary of their kingdoms' corruption and eager for a change, cheered.

The nobles, accustomed to privilege and power, shifted uneasily, their faces etched with a mixture of apprehension and resentment. The rulers of rival nations, empires with long histories of conflict and ambition, bristled at the declaration, their hands instinctively reaching for the hilts of their swords.

And then there were those who had lurked in the shadows, the perpetrators of unspeakable acts, the puppet masters who had manipulated the world from behind the scenes. They felt an inexplicable chill run down their spines, a primordial dread that clawed at their hearts.

Their carefully crafted schemes, their ill-gotten gains, their meticulously constructed webs of power all of it felt fragile, insignificant, in the face of this new, absolute authority.

Across the globe, they readied their armies, their assassins, their darkest and most powerful champions, determined to resist this sudden shift in power.

But they were blind, ignorant, utterly unaware of the gulf that separated their strength from that of their new overlords.

They were about to have a very, very bad time.

There was absolutely nothing they could do to stop it.

"I think that went well," I said, a satisfied smirk playing on my lips as I released the hold on the populace's movements. The city around us lurched back into life, a cacophony of sound and motion replacing the frozen tableau of moments before.

And then, a lone figure charged towards us from the crowd. A knight, clad in the tarnished armor of the former king, his face contorted in a mask of rage. His movements were… comical, almost painfully slow, like a toddler attempting a heroic charge. I raised an eyebrow, genuinely curious about this idiot's thought process. What in the world is he thinking?

I motioned for Asuna and Yui to stand down, a wave of amusement washing over me. This was too entertaining to pass up. I equipped a sword that allowed me to peer into the minds of those foolish enough to engage me in combat. It was a simple little trinket, a byproduct of our absurdly overpowered arsenal, but it promised a glimpse into the depths of this moron's delusions.

I let him get halfway, his sword raised in a shaky, poorly executed attack, before freezing him in place with a thought. He continued to struggle, his muscles straining against the invisible force that held him captive. To my surprise, even in this state of suspended animation, his thoughts were a torrent of arrogance and misplaced confidence. He actually believed he could win a fight against me. Against a being who had literally just declared himself Emperor of the world, backed by the power of a literal goddess. The sheer audacity of it was almost impressive.

For ten minutes, I let him flail and thrash, testing different attack strategies, each one more ridiculous than the last. I gave him significant looks, raised eyebrows, and muttered several exasperated "Are you serious?"s, but the man remained undeterred. He was like a broken record, stuck on a loop of self-delusion and blind rage. Finally, I allowed him to land a direct blow. His sword connected with my chest, a pathetic thud against my divinely enhanced armor. I didn't even flinch.

"Are you going to use the think-meat in your skull at any point?" I asked, my voice dripping with sarcasm.

His response, delivered through gritted teeth and a face contorted in frustration, was utterly predictable.

"Why won't you die?!"

I sighed, shaking my head in disappointment. Some people were just beyond saving. I turned away, dismissing the delusional knight from my thoughts. Yui, with a wave of her hands and a twirl of her fingers, conjured two massive structures beside the podium. One, a gleaming tower of white marble, was labeled "Idiot Prison." The other, a foreboding fortress of black obsidian, bore the inscription "Evil Prison."

The knight, still frozen in mid-swing, vanished with a pop, reappearing moments later in one of the cells of Idiot Prison, his confused shouts echoing faintly from within the magically sealed structure.

I looked at Asuna, a weary smile on my face. "Well, that was… enlightening," I said, my voice laced with a mixture of amusement and resignation. "Shall we continue with the kingdom renovation project?"