18. Muse

Thursday, 19th. March. 2015 - Morning

I wake snuggled under the comfort of a blanket, and as I crack open my eyes I'm met with Hoseok's peacefully sleeping face before me, the weight of his arm draped over me. His breaths tickle my forehead lightly. The warmth of the morning sun spills from the window above my head.

Low snoring catches my attention. I peer over my shoulder to see that Joonie is laying on his back, side pressed against me firmly, pinning me between the two of them. In comparison I'm so small smothered between them.

I manage to wiggle my way and turn over to face Joon so that Hoseok's face isn't so close to mine, but as do the arm he'd draped over me tighten and his body press against me, hip flexing as he stretched it, the feeling of something hard pressed on my behind. Oh my.. I know he has no idea what he's doing because he's asleep... But, why did part of me want to rub up against him? That feeling, even though it was only for a split second felt better than I wanted to admit..

I throw those thoughts away and give Joon a firm shake to try and wake him up.

"Hmmm?" He gives a sleepy groan before opening his eyes and rubbing his face to wake himself up. Joon sits up and crosses his legs, staring at me through tired eyes.

"Morning~" I hummed, moving over and turning to shake Hoseok.

"Morning," Joon replied, looking like he was still trying to figure out where he was. As I give Hoseok a nudge he lifts his head, sleepily peering up.

"Huh? What time is it?" He asks before fumbling around to check his phone. As he did he groaned.

"Ah, damn. I gotta go" he pulled the blanket back and jumped out of bed.

"You got a choreo to do this morning, right?" Joon peered at him as he asked.

"Yeah. Joon, where's the bag you brought up last night?" Hoseok looked around, squinting. Still obviously half asleep.

"It's beside Jia's bed," Joon pointed out, giving his hair a light ruffle and stretching out his legs.

"Thanks," Hoseok went over to grab a few clothes before looking over to me, "Is it okay if I take a shower?"

"Yeah, of course. The bathroom is down there," I pointed to the hallway by the front door.

While Joon and I waited for our turn to shower and get ready for the day I decided to cook some egg rolls for breakfast. Hoseok came back out, happily taking a few with him to have on the go.

Joon had offered to walk me to class this morning so after we'd both eaten and gotten ready we left my apartment. Before walking over to the campus we ducked into Starbucks to grab a pair of Iced Americanos. We truly shared one morning brain cell which I found so amusing and heart-warming.

As we walked side by side across the road onto the campus, sipping our coffees, Joon had asked me if I had any plans for lunch. When I told him I didn't he asked if I wanted to eat together and also check out his Mixtape during our break. Of course I'd said yes, excited to finally have a listen to his music. He told me he'd actually released it officially on the 15th and when I'd jokingly asked why he hadn't told me sooner he just apologised, mentioning he'd been busy shooting music videos for the tracks. Which was totally understandable seeing as he was working on group projects as well as his own personal music.

So, he waved me off after dropping me safely to class, eager to meet up again straight afterwards.

As hard as I tried to concentrate on the lecture I just couldn't. It felt like so much had happened over the last few days and it was all catching up with me. My feelings sauntered between happy but confused and overwhelmed.

For the most part, things I'd never expected, but were enjoying had happened. I'd met some really caring and kind boys. It still seemed almost unreal knowing that they also, by some odd chance of fate, happened to be the Artists of the music that I'd found comfort in over the past year.

Then again, this University was well-known for having idols and other people involved in the entertainment industry studying here. That much I could reason with, but, then there was the fact of how seamlessly I'd slipped in with them. I didn't exactly see them hanging out with just anybody.

So, that's what had led me to believe there was more to this. There had to be. I wasn't making up conspiracies, right?

Hm. Then there were the headaches, which seemed to come on when I got too close to some of the boys… Yesterday's one was the worst… and, as the memory of it comes back to me, I'd been in an eye-lock with Hoseok at the time. I could've sworn he was about to kiss me, the way he danced with me, tingles ripples across my skin as I recalled the anticipation.

He hadn't been high on my suspicious past boyfriend list but after that… I wasn't so sure. But, the more time I spend with them the more confused I get. To some degree they all treated me with such affection, and, as special as it made me feel, it was almost overwhelming at times. It's not like I wasn't used to getting attention from guys once in a while, but this many?

And it all just seemed to be one after the other… It just felt like I hadn't had any time to breathe over the last few days.

And, on top of that, I was trying to avoid being left on my own in case some crazy fan girl pushed me off a balcony.. god that's actually so messed up now that I think about it. Maybe my mind was just trying it's best to cope by not mentally processing half the things that'd been happening lately. But, now it all seemed to be hitting me at once. Then again, isn't that what I'd walked myself into? Wasn't that a path I'd chosen to take in search of my memories…

Figure eights in my mind as usual, so, I push them to the back of my mind for now. Only, by that time class had finished and I'd missed pretty much the entire thing. Oh well, I could watch it online later.

As I walked out into the hallway Joon looked up at me, slipping his phone into his pocket before meeting me halfway.

"Hey, what do you feel like eating?" I asked.

"Hm. Not sure, should we go take a look in the cafeteria before we head to the studio?" Joon replied, eyes darting to my bag as I hitched it further over up my shoulder.

"Yeah, sounds good. I think a sandwich or a salad would be enough for me. I'm not that hungry."

"Sure," Joon gave me a smile before gently reaching for my shoulder, "here, I can hold your bag. It looks heavy."

My partial stun at his sweetness stopped me from protesting and instead I let him slip it off my shoulder. A warm honey smile graced his features as we set off.

At the cafeteria the two of us agreed on sharing toasted sandwiches, which we took with us to the next building where all the studios were.

Coincidentally, it was the same room I'd first seen Yoongi in. But, as we walked in no one else was there. We pulled up a seat at the desk and set up our sandwiches. There were moments where it felt like he may as well have been my boyfriend.. our movements today, spending it side by side like this..

"Ahhh. What should I show you first," Joon sucked in a sharp breath of air as he contemplated, taking a bite of his sandwich with one hand and scrolling through songs on the computer with the other.

"Just play the entire Mixtape, we have enough time, right?" I beamed. Excited to finally give it a listen.

"Okay, yeah. It's just under 40 minutes so there's time," he flashed me a humbling smile.

"Alright~ Let's do it."

We quietly ate together as the first song came on. When listening to certain types of rap I went into a state of focus so I could catch the lyrics. This song was one of them. I was taken aback as the second song came on, the metronome catching me off guard.

"Joon, this sounds too good, the beat!" I turned to him, mouth half full of sandwich.

"Thanks, glad you like it" He gave a short laugh before bopping along with me. After honing in on the cadence and flows, lyrics and message I was left beside myself. There was too much that I wanted to say.

But, I saved my thoughts for later as the third track started. By now the both of us had finished eating and cleared the table. I lent back in the chair and closed my eyes as the third song came to an end, the passion was taking me elsewhere. It was truly shaping up to be a masterpiece.

The fourth track started, it had me vibing instantly.

"This beats familiar.. originally J. Cole, right?" Joon gave a nod, vibing out with me, rapping along with the words. And, quickly being able to pick up the hook I joined in.

Soon enough the fifth and sixth track went past, the hype only growing, both of us getting a little too carried away in the craziness. It was like an emotional roller coaster, from deeply thinking about identity, to pouring his soul about his passion, to just straight spitting fire. The insane flow switches by the sixth track I barely could keep up with the bars. They were just too fast and had triple entendres, absolute insanity.

"Wait!" I quickly said before the next track began.

"Hmm. What's up?" He asked, pausing and looking over to me, his smile shone so innocently.

"Uh. Joon, I… need a break, I'm exhausted. So much just happened, my brain is struggling to keep up" I let out a deep breath and sat back in my chair.

"Yeah, that's aight" he laughed, scrunching his face in a smile before leaning into the side of the chair, gazing at me, as though in a trance of thoughts, "I know, on first listen it's a lot."

"Mm.. there's so much I need to unpack. So, I'm going to listen to this a few more times to soak it all in, but I love it a lot so far. Give me some time and I'll come back to you with all of my thoughts." I watched as Joon gave a small close eyed smile, head still leaned on the back of his chair.

"Take your time baby. Just makes me happy to see you enjoy it." Joon's soft, humbling words, delicate way he bit at his lip. There was a gentle, tender-filled whirlpool stirring between us and I was slowly getting pulled into its rip, swirling further and further to Joon who was at the centre of it all.

I didn't know what to do and Joon noticed as I shifted in my seat. Then, he was the one to acted first and sat up, breaking the tension.

"Should probably get you to your next class. Breaks nearly over." The way he nibbled at his lip bordered shyness. I felt bad for ruining the mood..

"Yeah, thanks for today," I smiled sincerely. The love of music we shared.. transcended anything else right now.

"Don't mention it. Was my pleasure, trust me," Joon stood, waiting for me to get up and walk past first before grabbing my bag and coming over to the door.

The way he opened the door and stepped aside for me, carrying my bag for me while walking me to class, is so endearing. Overwhelmingly so.

"Will I see you again after class?" I mumbled, hoping the answer would be yes. He gave a small frown.

"I wish. I think Jin is going to come and pick you up this afternoon. But, If you're free this weekend we can catch up. Our group has Saturday off, so we're still deciding what we want to do. I'll keep you updated."

"Okay, sure. Sounds fun," The two of us said our goodbyes, as much as I didn't want to. It was a feeling I'd come to dislike… Everytime any of them left me it was like an emptiness resided in my heart. I know it sounds dramatic if I were to ever say it aloud but, why did I feel like that?

Am I falling for them?

And if I am, which one?

__________________________________

Memories - Joon's Piece:

Time Unknown

Studio, studio. Ninety percent of my life I spend here and that's no exaggeration. It'd been such a grueling night, slaving away over beats, drowning myself in work. It was nothing new.

Finally, just as the sun started to rise I'd finished off another track for my mixtape.

Awakening.

This one I was hella pleased with, bet Jia would love it. In my half delirious state I reach through my phone and scroll through my contacts, looking for her name. But upon seeing it on my screen I'm hit with reality.

These sleepless nights were really starting to mess with my head. In a moment of excitement it'd slipped me. I couldn't send it to her… She didn't have her old phone. No, that wasn't it. She doesn't even know who I am.

I let out a dejected sigh. I miss her like crazy, if I had the chance to have her back I wouldn't ask for much. Even just to listen to music with her, be in each other's company, even that would be plenty. Days of us locked up in the studio cross my memory. Rapping like idiots, stomachs hurting from laughter, all my stress melting away into the warmth of her. I longed for her and there just wasn't a cure.

I close my eyes and lean my head back against the padding of the chair. If only, my muse, my comfort.