dealing with the inner monster's

as time went by I would try to stay away from the house as much as possible. I had an angel in my life her name was vicky. she was married to my dads best friend jerrold W. she meant the world to me. she was one of the first people to treat me nice. and never hurt me. until the day I was told I could not go see her because she was in the hospital. no one would explain to me why she was in the hospital or how she was. the next thing I knew I was being told that she had died and went to heaven. that she wasnt hurting any more and she was in a better place. all I could think about was how come she didn't take me with her? I want to die and not hurt any more. at this time I was 9 years old. and this was the first time I had experienced the loss of someone dying. my mom said I wasnt allowed to go to her funeral I was to young. but it was my last chance to say good bye. I never even got to tell her thank you or that I love her. I didnt even get to say bye. a year had passed since the first time I had been raped and by this time it had happened so many times I had lost count of it. and it really didnt hurt much any more. at least not physically. I still couldn't ever figure out how to make him stop or what I was doing to make him do this to me. I tried to stay away from him and I never sat in his lap again. but he never would stop. I just didn't understand what was wrong with me. but I knew I wanted it to end. I just wanted the pain to stop. even when he wasnt around the pain was still just to much to handle. I could be in a house full of people and still felt completely alone.and after losing vicky all I could think about is how I wish I could go to a better place and not hurt anymore. I started to think of ways i could die. i really didn't know much about it. one day my aunt had stepped on a nail and she had asked me to go into my grandpa's pills and get her a pain pill. I asked her what they looked like she said the was a greenish color. I went and got it for her and as I gave it to her I asked what it did. she said it would help her with the pain. I remember thinking I wonder how many it would take for me to not ever feel any more pain. As I went to take the pill back to my grandpa's room my aunt stopped me and asked me to bring her my grandpa's xanax. I asked her what they looked like she said they was a blue color and in the shape of a football. I took the pain pills back and laid them on the bed so I knew witch one they was. and I started looking for the blue football shaped pills. I then took them to my aunt. she told me I didnt have the right ones. so I went back and got the other ones I had seen. as she was getting some out i asked her what do they do. she then told me they will relax her and help her sleep so she wont feel the pain. as i was walking back to my grandpa's room i was thinking of witch i would rather do sleep and not feel the pain or to just straight to jot feeling the pain. I was scared that if I took the pain pills I would still feel the pain. that's why my aunt need to sleep and not feel the pain. I was sitting on my grandpa's bed with both bottles of pills in my hands thinking of witch one was going to help me not hurt anymore. well I really like to sleep. its pretty much the only time I dont hurt. so I'm going to take the ones that will help me sleep and not feel the pain. I wonder how many it will take. my aunt took two pain pills and to xanax to help with her pain, and all she did was step on a nail. I wonder how many I would have to take to not feel my pain any more. I opened the bottle and poured some in my hand and just looked at the small pills thinking I may need more just to make sure I can go to sleep and not feel anymore pain. my pain was always there and never went away so I was going to need alot. I filled my 9 year old hand with as many pills as I could fit in it and went to the kitchen and got me a glass of water. it took me three times to be able to swallow all the pills in my hands. they didnt taste very good and it took me two cups of water to get the nasty pills down. I stood at the sink and wondered how long it would take. I went and sat on the couch after a few minutes I remembered I was supposed too be doing the dishes and I didn't want to get into trouble so I got up and went to finish the dishes. i didnt have much left to do. it's what I was doing when my aunt had asked to go get my grandpa's pills. before I was done I was really starting to get sleepy. so I went and layed back down on the couch. and then remembered that I got to leave the water dripping or it would freeze and I would get into trouble. so I got back up and started towards the sink and realized I was having trouble walking I was starting to feel really funny like my body was floating. I set the sink water so that it's just dripping and made my way back to the couch and layed down. it wasnt long and before i knew it i was asleep