Then Your Girl

Mashallah mashallah, I am about to get actually fucking ripped apart by Ainz with how stupid this whole thing is going. There are no words for me to say that could even describe just how much of a mess up things have gone.

Do you actually want to figure out what happened during the time.

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/Three Hours Ago/

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(Ainz, you wanna go off and check just how the experiment went so far?)

The poor guy was about to finalize all of the paperwork that he needed to do for the Tomb, and I'm certain that he was getting a little bit of lockjaw from one of the girls once again.

(I.....I suppose I would?)

(Great! I just need you to do something really really quickly, get Shalltear, Albedo, and Mare to be in the testing chambers, because this might have the chance to actually get a bit messy.)

(Uhu- WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!?)

(Yeah, go do that, cuz I still need to go off and clear up some of less important failed trials. And by clear up, I meant clean up. Cleaning the testing chambers, that's what I actually meant by tha-)

(JUST GO THEN!)

The guy was actually going full Japanese shock with me right now. The kind of shout that the Japanese specialize in so well. One that's not of anger, or malice or any of that shit.

Outright shock and awe from what sort of madness I just said, in spite of the fact that I was doing some of the goofiest shit known to mankind.

(Okay.)

And with that I was off to the races. This little flashback was more than getting a bit stale, but just let me cook for longer. Once I was back at the testing chambers, Demiurge was there with his suit having some extra layers of PPT for the safety.

(Ah, Mekhaine-sama, did Ainz-sama agree to the viewing of the experiment?)

(Yes indeed he did, Demiurge. Go and prep the testing grounds, we need to give this lad a proper showing. I'll be one hell of a combatant against something like that kid, and I intend to put on a jolly good show.)

The poor guy bowed immediately as I couldn't help but sigh ad grin to myself. This shit was getting a tad bit wilder than what I'd ever anticipate, and I have the fullest intentions to have the most fun from it.

(By all accounts, Mekhaine-sama. But please allow me to voice my concerns for but a moment.)

(Of course, Demiurge. You are free to say something.)

(Thank you, my lord. This test, it's highly more threatening and hazardous in comparison to any of the other feasible tests that you could have run. Why must you put the experiment to the test yourself?

There exist far more reliable and reasonable options to change things up, and forgive me for saying this but the idea of you attacking something that was "technically" created to go against the very will of Ainz Ooal Gown, and aggroing it could be seen as-)

(-Extensively foolish? Yes, yes indeed it was foolish for anyone to go out of their way to do, but can you ever blame a man for wanting a bit of recreation that doesn't include just eating, dancing, merrymaking, and other relatively tame acts?

A good scrap can get anybody out and ready within the mood to have some bluster slapped into them. Is it idiotic to even entertain the idea of fighting your own antithesis for the sake of enrichment? Yes. Will I still be doing it? Also yes.)

Demiurge just stood there retting even more confused about the hell was happening as I went off and began playing some music.

[BFG Division - Mick Gordon]

That's one of the few good songs to get your blood pumping. That or classical music, but that's just a me thing. I got all of my gear right and ready as rain to run the risk of bullet hell against this little shit.

This guy was going to hurt. And hurt means that I can actually feel something from this body, one way or another. The body I was using right now was more or less just a miniature Gundam, but then again, those motherfuckers look good.

As one of Anti's friends once said: Robots, mechs and weapons have to have only two possibilities for them to be cool.

They either need to be fucking big, or really fucking small. And that's the second Pacific Rim movie went straight to shit. The robots just ran at the same speed as giant people. Not really fast, but fuck were they just looking weirdly speeded in the end.

Actually now that Anti's thinking about it, it wasn't just size, it was also speed that was supposed to be at the polar opposites.

The enemy was coming and so was I, metaphorically. All of the Floor Guardians that I called up for this singular moment were at the necessary posts, in case that I actually get my shit beaten in like an abused wife, and Ainz was getting a massage from one of the servants while he looked on from the safety of the glass.

(Alright, first and foremost, this will be catalogued as the first official fight test against a Player. Please note that I am technically a very high bar to actually reach when it comes to battle due to me being amongst the Top Ten Players in Yggdrasil, so if the test subject is capable of harming me to a significant degree, then that means that he's more than capable of harming everything else that's below me.

A second part of the record is that I've killed a couple dragons in my lifetime, and I am more than willing to say that I'm a bit terrified of the possibility of getting into a fight with this guy.

In any occasion, I hereby begin the test.

Beginning the battle in T-minus 15 seconds

14 seconds

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13 seconds

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12 seconds

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10 seconds

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5 seconds

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1 se-)

And it was at the very moment that I knew, that I made a monster. Not gonna lie, I was more than happy about the fact that this thing was more or less at the same level of power as I was, but holy crap, it was certifiably just, wow.

First, he dashed over so quickly before I even finished the sentence, brandishing a scythe immediately while I went off and tried to survive him.

There really was no other way to say it, horrifying. First swipe, he literally slices off my right arm, and kicks me forward.

His second attack, he immediately swapped over to a gun that looked like it ran on steam power, kinda like the guns from Kabaneri.

He shot at me so quickly that I almost thought that thing was an assault rifle. It was actually impressive. Extreme blunt damage to my right leg, my torso was getting peppered, but none of my systems were in any actually danger.

So I decided to fight fire with fire.

Once I returned to the ground, the guy immediately dashes again with a good longsword in hand, which I handily responded to with a nice little counter attack.

I recalled my arm from where I initially stood and had it fly so fast that it pierced his heart and immediately destroyed it. It doesn't really matter though, since the latent amount of regeneration tat he had wasn't actually dependent on his blood flow.

Naturally, that's not what I was actually going for. I grabbed my hand and used one of my skills to change it into a proper polearm for me to wield.

It sparked wildly when it clashed with his longsword, and my body was currently using it's nanites to reconstruct a fresh arm for me to make use of.

Slowly but surely I had a more modular right arm, as he kept whaling over and over on what sort of madness I was getting my body into.

My systems were just edging on the yellow, but that's not all that dangerous in the first place. What was actually dangerous was the plasma blaster that was my current right arm now.

You remember Gypsy Danger? Pacific Rim? Think of that, and multiply the effects.

The plasma shot out heavily from the arm melting it and a good chunk of the protective layer on the right side of my chest area.

But whatever effects happened to me were worse for this guy. His center mass was gone, his body was covered in third to fourth degree burns and he didn't even have a head of hair anymore.

His armor, which funnily enough I don't recall allowing Demiurge to equip him with, was currently cooking the flesh inside of him, and yet he didn't even scream or get mad.

The guy didn't even have eyes left, and still looked like he was a dead man walking. Metaphorically and physiologically.

Harrowing stuff really. But he still didn't give up. He immediately swapped to a shield and shortsword and jumped away from me, trying to allow his body to spend the necessary time to heal.

I was not as merciful. I immediately ordered my body to construct extra hands on my back as I adjusted my right arm to be something rather different.

Instead, my right arm is now a claw. Yeah, odd, but trust me. Inside of the claw arm was a mini shotgun that was gauged with Dragon Breath Promethium.

Yeah, war crimes aren't war crimes if they aren't committed in war. That'd just constitute as terrorism. And I loved myself some dark shit.

The spear on my arm was also slightly changing even further by morphing into a more broadsword shaped design, but nonetheless there isn't really that much difference. Well, aside from the fact that both of my back arms were the exact same plasma blaster design to them.

Me and Climb were already sizing each other up. The burns that he had were already turning into callouses and allowing him to begin getting stronger, but me? My metal was already covering me even further than ever.

It was almost like a dance. Well, I won't really say that it was, but you get the sort of idea. I charged one of my plasma blasters as I pointed the broadsword at him.

He responded in kind as he went off clanging his shortsword on his shield, making him seem like a fucked up version of the Uruk-Kai from LOTR.

Little scary, but it was kind of chill.

The music was still going a bit ballistic, but I wasn't going to lie, it really wasn't getting the mood right. BFG Division has its beauty, but this wasn't it. No no no, this needs a dash of something proper. Something that really encapsulates the beauty of this battle.

*Pink Guy music intensifies*

Specifically? Let me tell you what song it was.

It was Goofy's Trial.

[Goofy's Trial - Pink Guy]

Will the suspect please take the stand?

Mr. Goofy, is it?

"A hyuh, yuh!"

Mr. Goofy, you are here today being charged with mass homicide--

"A-yuh!"

And you lawyer is here, present? Am I correct?

Yes, I'm his lawyer, Joe Rosenberg, I'll be representing him here today in court

Now from what I see here there is strong evidence supporting the mass shooting, it looks like here, you were caught in broad daylight on CCTV (of course) holding an AR-7

"Eyup!"

So you're admitting that the man in this footage is you, correct?

"Huh huh, yuh!"

So you do admit that this very same footage, right here, from the very same CCTV of you massacring a Public Elementary School is you as well?

"A-hyuh hyuh hyuh gorsh!"

Is that a yes?

"A-hyuh hyuh!"

Can I get a yes, Mr. Goofy?

I object, my client has done nothing wrong

He killed 27 children and crippled 5!

He's clinically insane, Your Honor, he's crazy!

Mr. Goofy, this is not a laughing matter

I told you, he's insane. His wife miscarried

Mr. Goofy, what do you have to say for yourself?

"A-hee hyuh guilty!"

Your Honor, my client would like to plead Insanity

"A-hyuh hyuh nope!"

Wait-wait hold on, Mr. Goofy you are saying that you were conscious?

"Hyuh!"

You were conscious and aware of your actions, is that correct?

"Hah hah, eyup!"

Goofy! Goofy what are you, what the fuck are you doing?

"Hyuh hyuh, gorsh I did it!"

Mr. Rosenberg, looks like your client has decided to come clean...

Holy fucking shit. Your Honor, I would like to call for a Recess I would like to talk to my client in private

(Sigh) Fine. You have five minutes

Thank you, Your Honor

You have five minutes

Thank you, Your Honor

Goofy, Goofy get the fuck over here!

"E-Hyuh hyah hah I did it!"

Oh, my God, you're fucking kidding me, Goofy, come here, Goofy Goofy, come here, listen to me. Alright, Goofy, Goofy, you're on thin ice right now. You're on thin ice buddy, come on. Shape up

"I did it!"

Yeah, yeah I know you did it, yeah, we all know you fuckin' did it, okay? But we can get you off! We can get you off

"E-hyah I'm a murderer!"

We all know you're guilty. Look, Goofy, I'm Mickey's best lawyer, okay? He wanted me on this case because he cares about you

"I'll fuckin' do it again!"

Okay, Goofy, do you want to go to jail?

"Nope!"

Do you want to go to a psychiatric ward?

"Nope!"

No? Then you say that you're not guilty. You didn't do it

"But I did!"

Yeah, I know you fuckin' did it but just say that you didn't!

"A-hyuh hyuh g-gorsh!"

Okay Goofy, you gotta take this seriously. You killed 27 children, okay and we all know that, we all know that but I can get you out of this! Do you know how much money Mickey put on the line for this? Do you know how much money he's paying? He's doing this just for you, because he cares about you! If not for me, do this for Mickey!

"Mmokay!"

I don't care about losing the case, just do it for Mickey!

"Hah hah okay!"

Goofy!

"Hah hah, MURDER!"

Goofy, shut the fuck up! Why?

"Hah hiay hah, I love murder"

"The demons told me to!"

Goofy, fuck! Shut the fuck up! Goofy!

Guilty

"Dying children"

And even as the song was cutting out, the little bastard was still constantly staring.

We were both completely fixed, and I intended to see this man properly conducted under the necessary shit.

(Damage check.)

Two words. Two words for him to pacify for a second as he dashed forward to my position saying (Optimal efficiency for altercation. All necessary parameters increased for optimum power.) while he tries to cut me down again.

I sacrificed one of the back arms by turning around, having it turn as well as I simultaneously shot myself forward while he experienced a second case of the full brunt of the attack.

(Ainz, that was the second time I've used the attack. As you can see, it's not the sort of attack that's going to be all that easy to nullify.

And yet the sheer degree that his regeneration and adaptation works, it's more than sufficient. My friend, we have ourselves a hero.

We simply need him to get a technical background. And I have just the story.)