I'm Tired of All This Horny!

/Frank, the regular one, not the sword one POV/

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(Hi there, can you please not try to stab me in anywhere that's important, which includes my everywhere?) I said with my hands up as I couldn't help but smile at my luck while thinking just how badly things were going right now.

[THIS HAS BEEN THE FOURTH BANDIT GROUP THAT HAD COME HERE TO ROB US, PLEASE LET ME KILL THESE ONES AT THE VERY LEAST!]

[MEKHAINE! Let them threaten the girls first, and then we can finally kill them.]

[Thank you! That's just good, if anyone that wasn't part of us asked, then they'd see us acting in self defense. Good idea bruv!]

(Listen! We just want your supplies alright! We don't want any more trouble than you do!)

(Is the kingdom that fucking inept that they can't even take care of their peasants? Boy oh boy Momon, I TOLD YOU WE SHOULDN'T HAVE WENT TO THAT EMPIRE! Looks like Markus is right, once again!)

I made sure just to add the extra sass into that act, but yeah, I really think that if I switched things up and had us just go to the Empire first to get a foothold there as well, it might have gone somewhat more interesting.

(Markus, let them have some of the food. They're starving, and no man should have to suffer for the failures of their monarchs.)

[Damn bro, you're really selling that good guy knight schtick, eh? What, did too much of Touch Me rub off of you?]

[Don't you srart with me, Mekhaine! I don't want to think about how you and Luci⭐fer managed to copy each other's laughs! It makes me shiver from the ideas that you two seem to have.]

[Sorry not sorry bro, but that's just my shit, and all the girls stomp their feet like this, because I ain't no hollaback girl, and I ain't no hollaback girl.]

[How in god's name do you even know all of these song references? And why do you constantly inset them into our conversations?!]

[Well, if it's any consolation, I insert more into my wife than I insert into the talks I have with you guys, and that's a promise, scout's honor!]

[.....did I ever tell you how many times you give me a headache?]

[I know, and I luv you 2 bby.]

I couldn't help but think about the insane laugh that I was going to fucking throw out when we get back to talking about it.

(Oi! If these guys are so willing to let their food get taken, how about the girls?)

One of the idiots finally said the magic words, and I couldn't help but begin to smile, and even sigh a little.

(Can we do it now~?)

(Haaah, fine. But no killing! They're just mislead! They don't know what they're going to do without their livelihoods!)

(Oi! Stop talking down on us! There isn't going to be a place in hell for you to even begin to go against all of u- AAAH, MY HAND! MY HAAAAAAAA- oof!)

I shot his hand off with a good old six shooter through the hand, and a beanbag round out of the repeater rifle. I started smiling like a motherfucker when I saw all of them get shocked.

(I'd like to formally apologize for what's about to happen, and not what had already happened, because this shit is going to be an actual shitshow.)

I ran off and went to the closest tree trunk, which was quite common since we were within woodlands, wowzers Batman, you really fucking taught them kids amazingly didn't you?!

(Hey Momon, you handle the heavy's, I'll go for their sharpshooters! Girls, take out the stragglers!)

Sure I made it extra loud, but that's on purpose. In reality we were already doing [Messages] to each other and the two members of the Pleiades.

[Girls, handle the leaders, we'll pluck off the enemies by who's the biggest threat. Does that sound really feasible for a plan?]

[Yes Mekhaine-sama! We hear and obey!]

I shot another idiot that got extra close for comfort as I threw one of the bottles on my chest into the air, aimed quickly and broke it. It was a bright red liquid that made them think that I was fucking with them.

Sadly, it's very very easy to evaporate whenever an appropriate amount of heat is applied to it. So, six shooter getting right at the ground where the biggest clump was, and smoke began filling them all around.

(Oh man! I never knew that this could actually work! Now that's some good science right there!)

Some of them were panicking, wanting to not get killed, or even worse. I'm more than certain that these guys are even more amateurish than some of the regular criminals back in Earth.

So, whenever I saw bits of smoke going seemingly unnaturally, it really gives me a good sign that things are getting even more fun than normal.

(Momon!) I called the bastard out when I was actually needing to reload, just to make things all the easier for me, and give Ainz the exercise his old bones needs. GEDDIT?! OLD. BONES?! I AM THE CURRENT PEAK OF HUMOR IN THIS SHIT, AND IT'LL NEVER BE TAINTED VIA THE SHEER INSANITY ENCROACHING MY MIND.

(Got it!) A single reply, and a hell of a lotta action to back that all up.

(We have the leaders surrounded, Markus! Momon!)

(Goodie me! You boys really did have the idea to make things all the more annoying for all of us? What the hell were any of y'all thinking?

If you really wanna get something out of the lands, you aim for the sleaziest and richest sons of bitches you can lay your eyes on! Not a bunch of adventurers!

Your nobles are all fat enough to die from a little itsy bitsy spook, and you intend to go for professional and legalized mercenaries? I genuinely can't tell whether or not you're idiots or outright desperate for the food.)

They didn't even say all that much since I even gagged their mouths with cloths as well.

(I really don't think you should just be throwing out plans in the air like that, Markus. It makes things all the more difficult to do.)

(Bah difficult my ass, you're the best damned warrior back in the kingdom your hi-)

(Do not go there, Markus!)

We had a bit of a staredown while the girls made sure that everyone was already nice and tied all the way up. It gives off a little bit of mystery in regards to our origins, and gives off itty bitty bits of drama in it.

(Well sorry there, "Boss". I didn't know it was still one hell of a sore spot.)

(I will have my revenge, understand me Markus. But I will not gain it by being as monstrous as the beast that fell the kingdom. My honor will never be sullied, and I intend to follow it.)

I huffed at the words while I [Messaged] Ainz.

[Dude we can become some really good actors if we decide to become actual actors. Hey don't you have an NPC as well? The one that you made yourself?]

[First off, thank you. Second off, don't ever talk about him. He's the manifestation of many of my embarrassments from times long gone.]

[Fun fact for you, the reason why German culture came to Japan isn't because of WWII, or at the very least not mainly because of it. Before WWII the Japanese took a German colony that was situated in China, and returned with them back to their lands.

The German PoWs were more or less aware of the sort of things happening, and they knew that Germany, while it is their homeland, it was very much a right shitshow to go home to, so they stayed in the prisoner camps, where they weren't really treated like shit.

A lot of them stayed in Japan and the German culture with it. So yeah, Germany was there before old angry mustache man was, albeit I don't really understand why you decided to give him the German army attire, though it would have been significantly worse if you made him wear Schutzstaffel uniforms.]

[Okay, thank you for the history lesson, but yes, I still feel like it's a big mistake to let him out of the Treasury. Because, well-]

[He might embarrass you? Dude, you know that all of the NPCs are currently very very very aware of themselves right now. Every time that you've met him to rant, to gloat, to adjust and all that other shit?

That means he knows that you favor him, as a son, not just as some other servant that you call upon whenever he's needed for a situation. You can't leave your kid on call, that's just cruel.]

He didn't even seem to want to continue internally, while we were still acting out out parts.

(Even if it ends up getting you killed, huh? I knew pegged you for the craziest sonuvabitch but it's real fucking different whenever you show it off to the world.)

My avatar did it's best to look mad, before it just began smiling.

(Then again, that's half the fun of walking with you. Sure we might end up dead, but I'm more than fucking certain that things are going to be actual hell when we do meet that fucking things.)

I then looked at the rest of the "bandits", who were just looking at us really really scared out of their minds.

(Well, I don't think we need to report these idiots yet. That said, I REALLY wanna do a bit of a Robin Hood for the fools. They do need to feed their families, and I don't intend to let children or women or elderly starve like that.

So congratulations kiddies! We'll get you some chump change from the filthy nobles, but until then, consider this the exercise fee for today~)

I pulled out a single gem, more specifically a ruby, and threw it at all of them.

(If any of the idiotic nobles or merchants try to cheat you out of the actual price of this thing, then I suggest you hand it over to some of those Empirical Mages. They know good gems whenever they see them.

Tell them, that Markus of the Void has some good deals for him, and I don't want him to skimp out on shit grain. I better you idiots looking as fat as pigs when I meet you again.

Don't gamble this shit away, buy as much preserved or long lasting food and a shit ton o hooch for the rest of you. Whatever's left, consider it the debt you all need to pay me back.

I better not find you all skin and bones while another stupid fucking noble struts around like he's the top dog of this shithole country, you hear me?)

I motioned the girls to remove their gags and ties, and threw the big fucking ruby at one of the poor bastards.

(You already heard my name, so allow me to all out my friends and dear travelling companions. This, is Momon the Dark, my good friend who's one hell of a swordsman, doubling as a tank.

I am Markus the Void, the good old marksman, with undeniable charm and intelligence as always!

Nabe the Shadow, our scout, and Shizu the Black, our mage. Don't ask why all of our names are related to the dark, it jut makes things all the funnier, or well, sadder, dependent on how despondent of an individual you may make yourself out to be.)

The villagers turned bandits didn't really know what to say, and I made sure to keep an eye out on the stupid one that wanted to try and attack us when we were more than willing to share some of the supplies that we packed up.

(This, this has to be a dream!)

(If it is, then it's one cruel fucking dream there brother. I'll tell you that much. Happy trails, weirdos!)

I waved them off while me and Ainz say back in the wagon, which we then left the group of villagers.

(Oi, did you really have to give them such a precious gem?)

(Pfft, it's not like I able to use it or make anything out of it. If anything, it was more a statement piece than something that could boost some of my strength. Anyways, have you contacted the client yet? I thought he was there in that apothecary, or clinic, or whatever the fuck the guy said he was at?)

(I did, but there was only really an old lady there, and I asked her politely about it, and she said that there wasn't any need for extra adventurers, since they already got some other people to work on it.)

I hummed a little as I thought of the implications of this change in the plot. They'd get attacked by the trolls at this point, and Nfirea might actually bite the fucking dust if that's the case.

That would make the older Emmot girl sad. It's a little difficult to think about what to do. Change things for the fun of it? Assuming that it's nothing but a minor difference and see the plot descend into a cacophony of chaos for no good reason, or save the alchemist kid that has the bullshit talent to pick anything up without any negatives?

So many things that could go wrong when this comes, so, do I play it safe, or do I have some noise? You know what? I have the image of favoring the kid, so I'll just save the poor little shit.

(Hey, what are the chances that they hired the help of some of the weaker adventurers.)

(Let's not assume that our colleagues are nothing more than fodder, it's insulting their experience.)

(Call it a hypothetical, alright? Nabe, remember what you said about this side of the kingdom having a more bestial smell to it? Like there was something that was making it difficult to travel these parts?)

(Yes, Me-Markus, that's true.)

(Goblin hordes aren't the main issue yet, but these lands don't just contain goblins, we got all manner of creatures all around here. Trolls come to mind the most. The speed when it comes to their regen is annoying, when you're a starter, and I don't wanna talk shit about the client, but skimping out whenever you're out looking for herbs and poisons for the concoctions that you need to make, well, let's judt say-)

(Fine, we'll track them down. I don't suppose you have a good idea where they might be?)

(Well, the gobboes go for some of the grassy areas and there's about a couple up front. The woods look good for getting ingredients, both alchemicals and functionals, so I'd have to say that we might actually be close to the-)

(AAH, BE CAREFUL! WE STILL NEED TO GET HIM TO THE SITE.)

(Man, I missed out on placing a bet!)

Momon pulled out his shied and one of the swords, Nabe took up hers, Shizu whipped out a fucking scythe for some reason, and I loaded my repeater with heavier ordinance.

(Go go go go go!)

I shouted out as I ran for the closest troll I could find, slid under his ass and popped a round behind him, before pulling out one of my revvies and aimed at the knee of one that was trying to go for me, it went off balance, and I blew it's brains out before I jumped up and started to go to town on them.

Momon bashed one of them down with his shield, threw his sword at a conga line of those cunts and skewered their asses like it was a barbeque. He lifted his shield up above the neck of the troll that he knocked down and decapitated it immediately.

I wanted to get in on that hand to hand stuff, but I was doing damn fine as well, shooting arrows out of the air while slapping potion bottles right at the faces of the gobboes when they were paying attention.

Nabe and Shizu both handled their own and made sure to head over to the Swords of Darkness, seeing if any of them were actually hurt within the altercations happening.

(We got them?!)

I shouted out to Nabe and gave me a thumbs up.

(Let's clean out the fucking house, eh Momon?!)

He got my [Message] and immediately buried himself under the ground with his shield above him, and the girls immediately casted three levels of protective spells to ensure the safety of the Swords of Darkness. I couldn't help but grin at the capability of teamwork right before me, and I pulled out something really fucking funny.

A fucking flamethrower filled to the brim with high grade Promethium, with a Hellflame circle on the igniter to make things extra spicy.

(My name may be Markus-) I said as I pulled out a gasmask as well and immediately strapped it to my face (-but today, you may call me HANS.)