It's Hard to Have Feelings

The leader guy shouted something in a language I absolutely didn't understand. Fuck that! I don't even know what language he spoke right now. In the blink of an eye, all the soldiers push through together and run upstairs. Shit, that's where Juli is hiding.

My eyes go wide open. I come out of my cover and scream, "Hey! You gotta fight me before you go up there!"

I run up the stairs while openly shooting at them, not caring if a bullet or two comes my way. Kuro and Damien soon come behind me and covers me.

"What the fuck were you thinking pushing up here alone!?", Kuro scolds me. "You can't even slow push through sites in Valorant alone."

As much as I wish I could laugh at his sloppy joke, my mind was fixated on clearing out the enemies. "This isn't Valorant, this is real life.", I say and shot a man right through his skull.

Shooting face-to-face with almost no cover to take was hard but we managed to overcome it. The once-white carpets were now tainted with the blood of people who picked up this dirty job to feed themselves.

No one involves themselves with the Mafia willingly. It's the burning pit of fire in their stomachs and thousands of responsibilities on their shoulders.

I was one of them too.

That was until Juli found me.

Damien kicks open the bedroom door to find the leader holding a gun to Juli's head.

My hands quiver seeing Juki shake in fear, teardrops glistening under the moonlight as they make their way down her cheeks.

"Drop your weapons and I will spare her life.", the man smugly said, knowing exactly the effect Juli had on us.

But honey, this is Farabi Hasan you are talking to.

And no one dares to lay hands on what's mine.

I smirk and take slow yet steady steps toward the man. Juli mouthed 'no' in an effort to stop me but, I gave her an assuring glance to let her know everything's gonna be alright.

The confidence in me surges seeing the man's eyes shaking. I keep walking until I am towering over him, my eyes looking sternly into his. "You wouldn't do that…You can't do that. You'll get killed."

"H-Huh?! Do you know who I am?!! I can do anything and everything I want to this whore here and you can't do anything about it!"

"That's it, motherfucker. You're dead!"

I pounce on him making sure the gun in his hand flies away as far as possible. Damien pulls Juli out of the room and hands her to Kuro.

I ruthlessly throw punch after punch. Blood gets all over my knuckles. Damien tries to pull me off the man but his strength is nothing compared to mine.

This man dared to overstep his boundaries and he will be paying for it with his life.

"STOP!"

I halt and turn to the door. Juli stood there clinging onto Kuro as if she'll break if she lets go.

"D-Don't kill him, Farabi. Don't.", she said in a voice so little that it could be passed off as a whisper. "He might be a horrible person but that doesn't mean you have the authority to take his life."

Does Juli realize that I killed all the dead men behind her along the hallway just now?

"But Juli-"

"I need you to be with me here right now, not taking some man's life."

I let go of the man's collar and stood up. With a guilty face, I walk up to her and tightly embrace her in my life.

"I'm s-sorry. I promised I would protect you.", I break out in tears and place my forehead on her shoulder. "I'm so sorry."

"You kept your promise, love. I'm here now, don't cry.", she said and gently patted the back of my head.

I am forced to let go of the hug when I hear Damien grunt. He was now on the ground tackled by the guy. Kuro immediately runs to him and tries to get the man off him.

And I made the mistake of going over to help them out.

I was the only barrier between her and the only window in the room.

A big sandalwood tree covered the window.

Someone could easily hide up there.

*pop!*

Time seemed to slow down a bit.

A loud sound goes off, like a rifle shooting its shot.

I hear Juli groan and fall to the ground.

"Juli!", I shout and run to her side just in time to catch her head. "J-Juli.", my voice breaks as I place my hand on her chest trying to stop the bleeding.

I see Damien jump down the window and chase the mystery man. Kuro holds onto the hysterically laughing man on the floor.

"Farabi…', Juli calls out, her breathing getting slower with every passing second. "Oh god Farabi what will I do with you?", she said with a breathy laugh.

I intertwined my fingers with hers and smiled. "We haven't even completed half of our bucket list. You can't leave me yet."

"Ah. The bucket list.", her hazel eyes flutter as they look up at mine. "Travelling the whole world, saying our vows on the Eiffel Tower, growing a little family of our own…", she chuckled. "I guess that won't be happening."

"No no no no.", tears drip down my cheeks. "Juli you'll stay with me! You're not going anywhere!"

The puddle of blood under us just got bigger and bigger. Juli's breathing got slower and slower. With every passing second, the remainder of my sanity slipped away.

Even being in agonizing pain, Juli held up that bright smile of hers. Messed up hair and shirt soaked up in blood yet, she was smiling. Maybe her ability to stay positive and keep everyone around her positive has kept me alive for so long.

"...Farabi", the smile on her face slowly faded. "My love, my sweet little storm cloud, I love you so so much."

I completely break down and scream, my arms hugging her tight as if I was trying to hold onto her soul. I feel the beating of her heart slowly going faint.

"I love you too, Juli."

With that, our lips met for one last time.

The memory of the next few months was very hazy. I barely remember anything.

I was in denial. In one night, the woman I loved and cherished for 3 whole years of my life was gone, just like that. It was hard to close my eyes at night knowing the next morning when I wake up, I won't find a sleeping angel next to me.

I was enraged. All I felt was anger. If only I was a little faster, a little more aware of my surroundings, and a little less stupid to trust a stranger, Juli would still be here. I remember breaking anything that held Juli's memories in front of me and trying to sleep through the night holding onto a picture frame of her.

I found myself continuously putting myself through rigorous training and volunteering to do any kind of mission. I had to improve. I don't want another life to be sent to the skies to pay for my reckless mistakes.

Soon, it became hard for me to even get out of my bed. All I could do was hold onto Juli's memories and dream about her being with me, right by my side.

It took me some time but, here I am. Trying to live in the world I imagined being without Juli except, it's the reality.

Juli's not here anymore, and I can't do anything about it.

The least I can do is find comfort in her memories.

. . .

Farabi sighs and runs his hand through his hair, "There you go, that should be it."

I look over at him, "Thank you."

"Tell me one thing.", he inquires, his eyes still gazing at the long trail of trees outside. "Juli was your dearest friend. She was family. How could you not be by her side at her last moments and let us go through agony all alone?"

I slightly smile, "I promised her that I would protect you three till my last breath. That's what I did."

"By running away like a moron?!", Farabi exclaims.

"Mind your language, Farabi.", Kuro called him out from the front seat. "She's your boss."

"It's okay, Kuro. I understand where the rage is coming from.", I calm him down. "You know very well I didn't run away like a coward that night."

"What did you do then?"

"I don't know, Farabi. Why don't you think about it for a bit and tell me?"

Farabi looks down at his feet with guilt and frowns. It's been like what? 10 years? Nah, it's been more than that. Well, the number of years doesn't really matter here. If there's someone who knows Farabi like the back of their hands, it's me. And I can tell that he's regretting bursting out like that.

"Do you have an answer, Farabi?", I ask him. "Can we hear about it?"

"You went to Islydena and confronted Im Mingyuk."

"And I got this scar doing so.", I pointed at a particularly big scar on my arm among the sea of scars all over my body. "Do you think we would be sitting in this car alive if I didn't go to Islydena and teach that dickhead a lesson? Well, now it looks like he forgot what it's like to be on my bad side, it won't be long till he faces my wrath once again. And this time, I won't let him get out of it alive."

Farabi looks up at me with a sorry look. "I-I'm sorry…it's just I'm never in the right headspace when you make me remember Juli and that night-"

"I make you remember that night over and over again so you don't forget one core lesson.", I interrupt him. "We're too far into this hell hole to have feelings."

Farabi nods and goes back to staring at the trees outside as they pass by. I can feel the air around us lighten up leading to a comfortable silence.

I rest my head against the headrest and close my eyes.

I can't bear to see my family suffer.

Hold on for a little longer, I'll bring us out of this hell hole.

And claim my long-awaited revenge.