Guilty Kiss

When I was downstairs, I rushed out of the elevator and cried uncontrollably. I tried to hold back my voice but it was useless. This uncontrollable feeling of pain was already like a pressurized urge. If I persisted in enduring it, it would destroy me with nothing left.

While crying, I walked aimlessly still by wearing my thin pajamas, so that under the dark horizon, the cold autumn air entered my skin like needles poking through pores. However, I felt like, as if I didn't feel anything. Only pains all over my body that was moving through my soul. It was very suffocating.

Until I arrived at a deserted park. I walked slowly towards the bench to rest from mental fatigue. Around the bench where there were many blooming gardenias and white azaleas that were making this area look beautiful even at night. And, there were only park lights with a faint glow in this place.

The scent of gardenias and azaleas mixed, making the atmosphere of this place feel refreshing but it didn't fade the sadness that was deeper inside me.

In silence, there was no one in this place. There was only me and the sound of the wind, which seemed to repeat Donghwa's abusive words. It was hurt more and more, again and again, until the cold air made me shiver a little. It made me wake up from the pain that had just hurt my heart, then started thinking straight.

After calming down enough, I was stunned into solitude. Even though my tears slowly stopped rolling down my face and this sadness began to fade, I could still feel the pain in my bones. It was like carving out permanent wounds that seemed to be a bitter memory that I must cherish throughout the ages.

"Chunghee!"

Hearing someone calling me from a distance, I immediately lifted my face and aimed at the voice that seemed to cut through the darkness.

In the distance, Donghwa ran towards me and got closer. When he was in front of me, he caught his breathless breath and then spoke with a clear tone of concern, "Chunghee, I've been looking for you everywhere ...."

He knelt before me and took my hands, kissing them affectionately. He then looked up, gazing at me deeply. He spoke sincerely, "Chunghee, I thought, I would lose you. I thought I would never find you. Don't do this again. Don't scare me like this. I can't. I swear, I'll break your legs if you do this again to me."

There was a long pause before he continued, "I'm sorry, okay? Now, let's go back. It's so cold in here." He stood up and took off his sweater, then put it on my body. He held out his hand while saying, "Chunghee, let's go home."

Hearing his gentle voice, I looked at his hands then lifted my gaze, staring at his face for a moment to see the sincerity of him. He looked sincere, but it still couldn't cure my feelings that were just hurt by his words. So, by being stubborn, I just looked away without saying anything.

"Chunghee, come on. How long are you going to be here? I've apologized, now let's go back. Don't ask me to argue with you anymore."

Hearing those words, I frowned subconsciously. There was a feeling of anger and disrespect while hearing a sentence that seemed to say that I was the only one who always caused troubles in this relationship and also, all the arguments that had just happened between us.

I immediately turned towards him, then stood up and spoke softly but still sounded firmly, "I never wanted to argue with you from the start. But, it was you who couldn't control yourself."

Donghwa frowned tightly and started to sneer. He seemed to be offended by what I said just now. He also tried to justify himself by saying, "If you weren't the one who made trouble with me by keeping someone else's handkerchief, I would never do that to you. Stop blaming each other. We're not young anymore, but you still act like a sulking kid. You really sicken me off with your behavior like that. It wasn't suitable for a grown man like you."

I was startled in silence. Those words sounded cruel. The sentence might be a joke for him, but not for me. It was like sarcasm that killed me at once, with all the feelings that I painstakingly nurtured inside of me.

It seemed to tear my throat. The words also confirmed that his new lover was a perfect young man, who was spoiled and obedient, also made him feel at home when he was by that man's side, thus forgetting someone who had gone through a lot of ups and downs with him.

Without being able to hold back, those words brought tears to my eyes, and then I spoke with a suppressed pain, "Donghwa, why do you always do this to me? How can you tell me all of that?"

Seeing the expression on my face, suddenly a pity flashed through his eyes which slowly softened. And unexpectedly, he grabbed my face and kissed me. Our lips met as if digging deeper into these painful feelings, which had no basis for stopping.

I knew what it meant clearly, where Donghwa kissed me not out of lust, but as he felt guilty in his heart but he was reluctant to apologize as an owner of high self-esteem. It made me feel no genuine affection, but only a sense of disgust which gave an instinctive response, so I pushed his body away.

He didn't say anything, but he immediately grabbed my hand and pulled me roughly toward his car which was parked not far from here.

Pushing my body in, he lowered the seat and was immediately on top of me. He started kissing me as if he was doing it, only to vent his suppressed irritation. But, I didn't put up a fight, besides kept trying to avoid the passionate kisses of him that came insistently.

"Donghwa, stop! What the hell are you doing?!" As I kept struggling, I continued, "Stop it, people will see us."

He listened to my words. He then stopped and stared at me expressionlessly, and spoke, "So I can do it when we're home ... alright."

Finishing his sentence, he immediately positioned himself in the driver's seat and drove the car. The park and our apartment weren't far away, so it didn't take long to arrive.

He pulled me back upstairs to the apartment and immediately entered the room.

When we were inside, he kissed me more and more. He was about to take off my clothes, yet I also tried to stop him. I didn't let him do it until all this sadness made me speak in a slightly trembling voice, "Donghwa, I beg you to stop. I'm still sick. I haven't been able to do it for a while. Please .... "

Although I had begged for mercy by saying that, he had absolutely no sense of concern, and continued to indulge his selfishness as if it was an absolute thing where no one could give a refusal.

But, when he lifted my face, he shouted all of sudden, "Chunghee! You got a nosebleed!"

I kept crying, staring at the face of someone who I still love more than myself with misty eyes, and struggling with the torture I received. I didn't even feel the blood coming out of my nose.

He helped me to stand up while saying, "Raise your head. Let's go to the bathroom to wash your face."

I didn't move for a few seconds, but just said, "Do you believe me now?"

"I believe you. Now, let's go to the bathroom to wash your face."

It was both pity and sad. By saying my words, those wouldn't make him believed without urging him.

While in bed, he stroked my hair gently and lovingly. "Chunghee, tomorrow, let's go to the hospital."

He pulled the blanket over my body, then returned to stroke my hair gently. "You're pushing yourself too hard to work. Look at you, so weak and thin. I've been telling you to stop working for a long time ago. Let me work hard for you, and you stay home."

"You also have to take care of yourself. How many times have I told you? You're not a kid anymore. I'll be furious if you ignore what I said this time."

Those words were meaningless to me. It was like ridiculous nonsense.

Remembering how he treated me like that earlier, made me think that not only my condition was getting worse, but his demeanor towards me was getting worse as well. It almost made me give up on him.

I could only keep asking in my heart ....

'Will you look at my weakness by seeing me like this? Should I show you how weak I am now and will die soon?'

'If there is no love for me anymore, at least don't treat me like this. Being angry and yelling at me, as if there is no grace in your eyes. Do you remember the time when we were slumped together?'

'I've never stopped you to play out there. It's better for you to find someone who can replace me if I'm no longer with you. But, I beg you, don't make things clearer this time and don't be a different person to me. It really hurts my feelings.'