The system

"Wake up, Daniel Crump!"

"Oi, seriously, wake up."

*Slap!*

"Ah, what the hell!? Who dares slap me, the great Daniel Crump???"

As Daniel Crump took in his surroundings, he saw a mass of pure white liquid that shone with bright light. Suddenly the white liquid spoke, and it felt as if the entire world shook!

"I dare, you absolute dunce. Let's see here: 3 counts of burglary, 73 counts of sexual harassment, 57 counts of indecent exposure, and 15 counts of stalking. You've also jerked off to this one weird cartoon 127 times. This is pretty bad, but I guess I've still seen worse."

Daniel Crump looked at the weird blob of white liquid strangely. "What the hell? How long have you been stalking me? Who even are you?"

The blob sighed irritatedly and said, "Look here, bud, I'm basically what you consider "god." You're dead, and I'm here to send you to your next life. Unfortunately for me, I have to look at what you've done over the course of your past life, and I have to appropriately designate a new life suited for you."

"I DIED? How did I die? Who dares kill me? They're simply courting death!" Daniel Crump said in exasperation.

"Someone who wanted to improve society for the better, that's who. Anyway, I've finished finding the perfect world for you. Good luck, and be sure to close your eyes and turn around when you wake up."

The blob of white liquid floated to Daniel Crump and lightly sent a sliver of its essence into Daniel Crump! The world started shifting, and it slowly crumbled apart! Before Daniel Crump even had the chance to ask what was happening, he passed out.

...

...

...

[Ding!]

[Congratulations, Daniel Crump!]

[You've successfully activated the Jerk Off system!]

[By jerking yourself off, you will be able to ejaculate any impurities out of your body!]

[The system will reward you every time you jerk off.]

[Your first task: Jerk off to the first thing you see]

Daniel Crump, who had been taking a nice nap, was suddenly startled awake by the sounds of his new system! As he opened his eyes, he saw Michael Helden lying next to him.