Chapter 08: In the Gentle Light

Hana stood under the spotlight as her song's solo music carried on without her vocals.

Everything until this point had been perfect build-up and execution. She gave herself plenty of practice throughout the past few weeks, staying for extra time after each lesson in an attempt to make sure she had enough preparation for the show. Meanwhile, the song she picked was perfect for her. Daydreaming Bookworm Girl, by Millionstar Nanao Yuriko, not only fit her voice but had lyrics describing a love story.

In theory, it was perfect for someone who was looking for one herself.

She was the first one to get dressed, as today she decided to arrive at the live house early. The first group song went by without any issue, though the last half-hour had consisted of waiting anxiously for her turn to perform. Tonight's center started the solos with a song almost as energetic as her, Akari followed with an upbeat solo, and then Yuki had a slower song matching her cool disposition. After that was a performance from a girl doing an acoustic rendition of a Million Live song, guitar included. The sixth song of the night was performed by Reina, and the senior idol blew the crowd away.

Hana passed by her on the walk to the stage, unable to make eye contact with the golden-haired beauty. The doubt hit her right before she even opened her mouth to sing.

"First impressions are everything," Reina had said to her over a month ago.

How was she supposed to follow up on the performances that came before her?

They were all working towards the same goal, but Hana still felt like she was so behind all of the others. This was her dream to be able to perform in front of people, but what if the audience didn't like her?

A moment of hesitation made her miss her mark. She was used to just restarting the music during practice, but now she had to make the choice to join in mid-verse or hope they would restart it for her.

Unfortunately, the latter never happened, making her miss her entire first verse. Every second that passed after her mark felt even more agonizing. A song she had chosen because she related to it and knew every lyric before even applying to 765 Productions was currently leaving her behind. The light-green penlights in the crowd now looked like they were mocking her rather than supporting her.

This was just like a situation she was in over a year ago. The same feeling of doubt and fear of rejection came rushing at her when she was at her last agency with her former partner, Ichihara Ayaka. Just like last time, the feeling paralyzed her.

Less than a week after their last performance, both of the girls had been dropped from their old company. The president of the company cited his decision due to Hana's lack of overall skill.

Ayaka's reaction when she had been given the news was inconsolable. The girl quickly turned into a sobbing mess, a state wildly unbecoming of someone who was supposed to be the leader of their duo. Hana, on the other hand, gave much less of a reaction. She simply sat in the office chair looking down at her feet, unable to say anything about the circumstances leading up to their departure from each other.

What was she supposed to say? She wasn't even a high school student at the time, but she was still the reason both of their careers took a sudden fall backward. Crying turned into regret, and then suddenly months of work to build bridges and friendships with each other burned away. It had been over a year, but she still didn't have the courage to message Ayaka again to talk about it.

Meeting with her old friend earlier in the week brought back all of those memories to the front of her mind. Hana thought she had gotten over it, but she was terribly mistaken. Now, it was one of the only things she could think about: the fact that a year later, Hana had gotten a lucky break with her career, while the brunette girl was still working hard to reach her dreams.

The music she was supposed to be singing along to cut out, leaving her alone in silence. There wasn't booing from the audience, but the lack of response from them somehow felt worse. Her feet wouldn't move. All of the limbs that she had spent months on improving her flexibility for were feeling rigid and unmovable.

Hana looked away from the crowd and down at her feet, gritting her teeth and clenching her hands as tears started filling her eyes. She couldn't believe that so much work was going to amount to the same result as before. This wasn't a dream. This time, she'd be letting down a lot more than a small idol group. Now, she had a whole company that she was disappointing.

"I wanted to know the reason for my tears!" Hana heard someone sing into a microphone. "Turning all the pages, and I found love, was the exact feeling that-I-was-looking-for."

To the left of her was Akari, standing in the spotlight next to her. She had no instrumental to guide her, but she was still singing.

"I want to know more, about who you are. I want to say your name, that I love you, but the day that I can is still really far,"

Akari smiled at her between lines. Despite how bad the situation felt, Hana felt oddly reassured.

"I'm sure that one day we, will meet again face to face. But our love story up to now is still, only a work of fiction."

"Hana…" Akari put her microphone down, putting Hana into a hug. Fresh tears started filling her eyes. "Hey, are you okay?

"Akari senpa-" Hana stopped herself between tears. "Akari-san, I'm sorry..."

"It's okay, I'm here for you."

"I ruined the show…"

"Don't say that. It's not over until it's over," the redhead responded. She pulled out of her hug, sitting down on a stool right behind her and patting the one right next to it. Hana hadn't noticed anyone bringing them in. "Let's try it one more time. Just focus on me, like the audience isn't even here."

"I don't know if I'll freeze up again… I just disappoint people any more than I already am," Hana warned her. She sat down halfheartedly. One of the NeoStar girls came from backstage and handed both of them a towel to put over their skirts and upper legs.

"That's alright, I'll do my best to help," Akari smiled. "The only person you'll be disappointing is yourself if you don't at least try."

"What if they don't like me?"

"That doesn't matter. I know you a lot better than any of them, and I can tell you that your voice is amazing." She also gave Hana a handkerchief. "And wipe your tears. It's not very idol-like."

The pink-haired girl sniffled, trying to not smear her makeup any more than it already was as she dried her eyes. Akari raised her microphone to her mouth.

"Inside the gentle light, through a parade of dust."

Her tone of voice was a lot different from when she performed earlier. It was likely because the style of songs she sang wasn't the same.

"The smell of a book I hugged. This feeling for you is painful."

Akari was now putting more effort into making her singing sound prettier instead of just being cheerful, like how she sang her last song.

"I stood on my tiptoes, trying to reach, the spine of a book."

Despite that, Hana felt bad for all of the things being done to help her. She didn't ask for it, but here Akari was trying to save her performance.

"And when you showed up, your hand gently showed me your kindness."

Hana took a deep breath, bringing up the microphone to her mouth. She couldn't just throw away her friend's help.

"By some coincidence, the title was, symbolism that," Hana started to sing the rest of the verse. She didn't know how it would turn out after all of this, but she had to try something. "My encounter with you, was 'love starting to bloom'."

Her voice was a little shaky, but each line she sang gave her more momentum in voice.

"On that day, I couldn't, tell you that, the words I wanted-to-say, was my 'thank you'."

She looked at Akari, who just smiled back at her as she sang. Her anxiety was starting to go away, just like with the group performance earlier.

"Thinking about that P.M. episooode!"

The older girl raised her microphone to join her. Now that she had someone with her, then surely there was nothing to be afraid of. "Even now, do you remember it?"

"I wanted to know the reason for my tears. Turning all the pages, and I found love, was the exact feeling that-I-was-looking-for"

She sang the chorus with Akari, both of their voices coming together in unison.

"I want to know more, about who you are. I want to say your name, that I love you, but the day that I can is still really far."

By now, the music had started back up. The girl playing guitar earlier had come back onto the stage, now adding acoustic music to what was otherwise an acapella performance.

"I'm sure that one day we, will meet again face to face. But our love story up until now is only still, just a work of fiction."

Hana had no idea how the guitarist, a 19-year-old named Shiori, knew how to play this song. From her performance earlier, she knew the older girl was talented, but she didn't know if it was through natural talent or practice. In the case that she was just improvising incredibly well, she might as well have been a prodigy.

Akari took the lead for the first verse after the chorus, while Hana sang the one after.

"If suddenly, I started, to have a conversation with you, would it be troublesome? My confession as a monologue!"

Akari took the next line."If I only had the courage for that."

"Aaa-aaaaa!" the two girls sang together as the song reached a peak.

Hana was surprised to hear cheering from the crowd. She let out a big breath, trying to catch herself from tearing up again. She didn't expect a positive reaction at all from a performance that became so much different than planned. The song's bridge played as a keyboard joined the performance. A girl much younger than anyone on stage, Oozora Hikari, was now playing along with Shiori's guitar. A big white beret sat on top of her head to go along with a pair of big blue hair ties.

With everyone helping her out, Hana couldn't help but think about how she was currently sitting down instead of standing. All of the time she had taken to learn the song's dance and trying to perfect it would go to waste if she didn't get up.

"Please excuse me," Hana handed Akari the towel, getting off of the stool she was sitting on. "I need to do this, for myself."

It was an impulsive choice, but it was also the first proactive one she had made this entire night. She took a deep breath as she went back to the center of the stage, doing her best to fight against the anxiety that was starting to build up inside of her again. This was a song she picked because it was one that she also loved, a song about a girl meeting someone in a library and growing feelings for them.

Her body danced along to the bridge while the other two girls accompanied her. The more she danced, the more the pressure was lifted off of her. Her moves didn't have the same refined grace that Reina had or the energy that Akari gave off, but she still felt free doing them. After pulling off a spin, her free hand pointed to the sky and then followed an arc traveling to a position that rested over her heart.

For a brief second, Hana looked back to Akari before she started to sing the next verse.

"Thank you," Hana mouthed to her. She was met with a reassuring nod before her friend picked up their stools and headed offstage.

"You were sitting at, your usual place," she sang. "Your finger running through-the-next-page, of your new book."

Much of the dance in this song was simple, but that made getting them right even more crucial.

"Inside the gentle light, through a parade of dust. My wish grew a little bit more, that your gaze would move around more"

Her free hand stretched from left to right, welcoming the audience in.

"And then eye to eye, we would meet, can't we?"

The musicians stopped playing for a brief second as they went into the final chorus, but now the silence was meant to leave them wanting more instead of leaving them in awkward confusion.

"I want to know about how, this love will grow. Every time a page turns, my heart expects, to discover how it will be revealed."

This would be the last chorus for the song before it ended. She had to end strong.

"I want to know more, about who you are. I want to say your name, that I love you, but the day that I can is still really far."

She wasn't able to perform her moves for the chorus earlier because she was sitting down, so now was her chance to show the audience the rest of what she had prepared.

"I'm sure of it one day, now that we meet face to face…"

The musicians who had joined seemed to have noticed her picking up the pace, because now the music was also ramping up to a crescendo with her final lines.

"That my fantasy literature dream with you'll be, a love story that for now is only still,"

She took a deep breath as she gave a reluctant smile, raising her free hand to grab onto something imaginary and pulling it downwards.

"Just a work of fiction."

The crowd gave a short cheer, but she wasn't done yet. There was one more dance break for her to perform. She thought back to the day she met Reina, the girl who had one of the strongest work ethics she had ever seen.

"First impressions are everything," the golden-haired idol said to her.

What would the audience think of her now?

She wanted to show how she wasn't a complete screw-up of an idol. This was one more chance for her to end with something positive. With every turn, every sweeping movement of her arms, she danced in stride as she poured her heart into every move.

As she danced, she couldn't help but smile in spite of everything that had happened. The advice Kousaka Umi had given to her so many practices ago stayed with her. The fact she was even performing after having broken down only minutes before was something to be proud of.

Her final pose had her left hand placed over heart, while the one holding the microphone was down at her side. By coincidence, she had ended up picking a song whose choreography ended in a very similar way to her favorite idol pose.

The song was over before she knew it. She caught her breath as the audience cheered for her, louder than any time earlier in her performance. It wasn't anything close to being perfect, but she knew that she'd soon be looking back at this performance to know how to improve from it. This song would be a small step forward in her career, but that was still infinitely better than having not moved at all.

The rest of the concert went by without any other problems. Three more girls performed, including the one who had the courage to join Hana on stage and play keyboard for her. Throughout all of their practices together, Hana didn't know that Hikari could even play the keyboard. For over a month, she had practiced her voice and dancing for a song about the starry sky instead.

Near the end of their hour-long mini-live, all nine of the girls performing stood at the stage again as they all gave some of their closing thoughts. The main lights in the venue were turned back on, making it so that none of the hot spotlights were on them while they talked to the audience. They took turns with a girl on each side starting from the center, and Reina was the last girl to speak before it was Hana's turn.

"Thank you again for following me after my departure from my last agency," Reina said, bowing. "I saw a lot of penlights in my color tonight, and that makes me happy to see."

Hana moved slightly out of formation to look at the golden-haired idol, noticing how she was once again being extremely polite to the audience.

"Please continue to support me," Reina continued. "I will keep working hard to continue performing at a high level for you all."

"Next is Hana!" Otokura Kyoko said from the center of their lineup. Hana took a deep breath as the attention in the room shifted to her, idols and fans alike now all looking at her.

After messing up as much as she did in her performance, there was only one thing to start off with. She pitched her upper body forward, giving a full bow to the audience. "Everyone, I'm sorry about all of the trouble I caused today."

Going back up from the bow, she blinked a few times as she tried to compose herself. "I shouldn't have frozen up like that, but I haven't performed in over a year, and even then it wasn't that good. I should have been a good example for the girls who had never been idols until the Supernova Project, but I was still the only one who messed up this badly. I just wanted to do the best that I could and I couldn't do that and… and…"

Her voice choked. A lot of words were just starting to come out of her mouth without putting in a conscious effort on how to say them in the best way.

"Hana, you're starting to cry again," Akari teased her.

Some of the other girls laughed at that comment, and the audience joined in with them.

"It's okay," Akari tried to reassure her. "The worst part is over now."

Hana nodded. She picked up her microphone again, taking a second to think of what to say. "Thank you for staying with my performance until the end. I was afraid I messed up so badly that people would just start leaving, so thank you for not doing that. Next time, I won't mess up, I promise."

The audience gave her a cheer for that. With everyone's introductions out of the way, there was still another matter to attend to.

"Everyone, we have two songs left!" Kyoko said from the center of their lineup. "This isn't over yet!"

The crowd applauded in response. Kyoko grinned, going to continue her announcement.

"Our first song is something that all of us have said during our closing statements, but we want to say it again."

"Please listen to our song. It's something special to our senpais at the Million Live project, and we wanted to honor the path that they laid out for us today," Akari said next to her. "Ready, set…"

Nine microphones were lifted up as every girl on stage prepared to say the next line in unison. "Thank You!"

The lights came back down, and Hana looked away from the spotlight before it started to shine in her face.

"Thank you for…" they all sang together, their voices and bodies moving in unison. "Welcoming, let's perform on countless stages"

Hana had heard this song countless times online, on radio, and a few times live, but now she was getting to sing it.

"Starting with this place."

More instruments in the recording joined the performance as the audience gave out "Hai!" cheers as they went into their first verse.

Hana smiled as she pumped her fist along with the cheers, with many of the other girls on stage doing the same. In the gentle light of the live house, their first show was finally coming to a close.

Tonight also marked the beginning of many of their careers, and for Hana and Reina, a new start.