76. Mommy Issues

“She’s crying again,” Nicole groaned as she rolled over onto her back and let out a heavy sigh of frustration. “Can you get her this time please?”

Waverly stared at the handle on the middle drawer of the dresser, the same spot she’d been staring at for the past hour, as she laid on her side facing away from Nicole. “I don’t think she likes me very much.” She felt the bed moving as the mattress beside her shifted from where it was no longer holding the weight of Nicole’s body.

“Never mind. I’ll just do it, again,” Nicole mumbled, clearly agitated as she ungracefully slipped into her robe and strode out of the room.

Waverly continued to stare at the spot as she waited for the crying to stop, which it did after only a few seconds. And she hated it. She hated that she could never get the crying to stop, no matter how hard she tried. If anything, she always made it worse. Much, much worse. The hall light flicked on, illuminating the bedroom where the door was open and she saw Nicole’s shadow out of the corner of her eye. 

“I don’t get why you can’t even try,” Nicole said as she held their baby in her arms.

“I do try. She just doesn’t like me.” Her eyes were still unmoving from that spot.

Nicole huffed as she walked towards Waverly and held the baby out towards her. “Just hold her for a few seconds.”

“I don’t want to.”

Nicole held their daughter back against her chest as she shook her head in disappointment. “You’re a horrible mother, you know that? You don’t love her. You don’t even care about her. Maybe that’s why she doesn’t like you, because she knows it.”

Waverly finally shifted her eyes over to look at Nicole, but instead caught young, innocent hazel eyes much like Waverly’s, reflecting back all of her failures. She hoped for a single memory of success, she practically begged for it. But there just wasn’t one to give.

Nicole began rocking the baby in her arms while looking at Waverly with so much regret. “You should just leave. It’s what you want to do anyways. Just leave.”

Through her blurred vision from the tears forming in her eyes, Waverly watched Nicole walk out of the room with a sinking feeling that she would never see either of them again. She wanted to speak up and tell them not to leave, but she couldn’t. Something was preventing her from saying anything, or even moving. She felt paralyzed as all of the negative thoughts swirled around in her mind. She heard voices whispering phrases like ‘you’re a horrible mother’ and ‘you’re a failure’. There were about a dozen voices by now, and each one grew louder and louder with every word. She couldn’t take it anymore. She wanted to get out of there, but she couldn’t. She was all alone, and completely helpless.

Waverly’s leg jerked, instantly jolting her awake, and the first thing she saw when she opened her eyes was Nicole lightly snoring with her arm draped over Waverly’s stomach. She relaxed and let out a long breath when she realized it was just another dream. Without warning, a sudden wave of nausea made its way to the surface, and Waverly closed her eyes to better focus on her breathing in an attempt to push it down. Which worked for a few seconds, until it came back full force. She pushed Nicole’s arm off of her and ran to the bathroom, making it to the toilet just in time. She was really getting sick of the morning sickness...pun intended.

Nicole sat up as she groggily looked around the room. “Baby?” She croaked. She noticed Waverly in the bathroom puking and was now fully awake. “Baby,” she repeated in a sympathetic tone as she got out of bed and quickly made her way over towards Waverly to help hold her hair out of the way while rubbing her hand over her upper back to soothe her a little.

“I haven’t even eaten yet. Why am I already throwing up,” Waverly groaned as she weakly pushed herself up and flushed the toilet. She slowly walked over to the sink and grabbed her toothbrush.

“Well, It’s called morning sickness for a reason.” Nicole smiled playfully.

“You know, that’s very misleading, because I mostly get it in the middle of the day.” Waverly sighed as she shoved her toothbrush into her mouth. 

Nicole almost immediately noticed the melancholy mood of her wife and had a feeling there was something else going on. “What’s wrong?”

Waverly looked up at Nicole’s reflection for a moment as she finished brushing her teeth and spit out the toothpaste before rinsing. She cleaned her toothbrush before putting it back in it’s regular spot and turned around to lean against the counter. “I had that dream again.”

Nicole knew exactly which dream Waverly was talking about, because she’d had it over a dozen times since they found out they were pregnant six weeks ago. Her face softened as she looked at Waverly with concerned eyes. “You know you’re not like her, right?”

“Tell my subconscious that,” Waverly said with a short huff. She paused for a moment before looking at Nicole with slight worry. “What if I am though?”

Nicole shook her head. “There’s no way.”

“She left when I was a baby. I was only a few weeks old, and she just left me. She didn’t stay long enough to get to know me.” Waverly lowered her head. “She didn’t want to.”

Nicole slowly inhaled through her nose as she looked at Waverly, knowing that there was more she wanted to say and not wanting to interrupt.

“What if that happens? What if I look at our baby and I don’t want to know her?”

“That would never happen. Your mom was selfish. And you, Waverly Earp, are the most selfless person I know.” She smiled lightly, but Waverly didn’t smile back. Instead, she continued to look at the floor, clearly distant as her head was lost in the debilitating thoughts. 

“What if I’m an awful mother? I have no idea how to be a good parent. The only example of a parent I had was an alcoholic father.”

“You has Gus,” Nicole shrugged.

Waverly nodded. “Thankfully.”

“And you have Wynonna. If she can be a good mom, then you definitely can. You’ve always been the more nurturing one.”

A smile started to appear on Waverly’s cheeks as Nicole’s words helped calm her screaming fears a little.

“I know you didn’t have the best parents, but if anything they’ve taught you what not to do. You’re a great aunt to Alice, and I see the unconditional love you have for her. You’re not going to be a horrible mother, it’s impossible. You’re going to be an amazing mom.”

Waverly looked up at Nicole. “You really think so?”

“I know it. There’s not a single doubt in my mind.” She smiled reassuringly as she pulled Waverly into a hug and held her against the front of her body while stroking her hair. “So, you think it’s a girl huh?”

Waverly pulled out of the hug to see Nicole’s look of amusement and shrugged. “In my dreams it’s always a girl. But I’ll be just as happy if it’s a boy. Or whatever. As long as they’re happy and healthy that’s all that matters to me. I think because of Alice my brain just goes with a girl.”

Nicole nodded. “See, you’re already a good mom caring about our baby’s happiness and health.” She kissed Waverly softly on the lips before both of them walked out of the bathroom. “What do you want for breakfast?”

A small grimace appeared on Waverly’s face. “I’m still a little nauseous.”

“How about I bring you some juice then?”

Waverly nodded in response as she looked at Nicole gratefully, and slipped back into bed as Nicole went downstairs.

---

A week later

Waverly and Wynonna walked through the mall with Alice between them holding onto each of their hands. They had been swinging her forward for the past five minutes, and Wynonna was already over it.

“More!” Alice shouted while trying to get them to swing her by jumping as she squeezed their hands, which didn’t work too well.

“My arm is too tired,” Wynonna replied as nicely as she possibly could, but her patience was wearing thin with all the tantrums her daughter had thrown that morning. Her behavior had quickly turned around though when Wynonna mentioned that whiny kids weren’t allowed in the mall and, according to her, it was policy. Of course, that wasn’t true, but Alice probably wouldn’t figure that out for a couple more years.

When they finally got to the food court, Wynonna made a beeline for the first empty table she saw before plopping down into one of the chairs and closing her eyes while letting out a dramatic sigh of relief.

“Mommy, are you okay?” Alice asked as she ungracefully climbed up into Wynonna’s lap, causing Wynonna’s eyes to shoot open when the four-year-old pressed a couple of pointy limbs on spots that should never be pressed on. She wrapped her hands around Alice and situated her into a position that was more comfortable for the both of them.

“Mommy’s just a little tired. That trampoline park was supposed to wear you out.”

“I feel happy, and when I’m happy I’m less tired.” Alice grinned, showing off all her tiny teeth.

“Clearly,” Wynonna replied with much less enthusiasm. 

“Why are grownups always so tired? Daddy is always tired too. And Auntie Waverly looks tired.” She pointed at Waverly.

Wynonna looked at Waverly with a quirked eyebrow, who was just looking back at her in amusement as she took a quick sip from her water bottle. They both knew why Waverly was tired, and it was because of a more fun reason than Wynonna’s.

“Because adults have jobs. And jobs make you tired,” Wynonna finally answered.

“Like when you gave me that job of sweeping the floor?”

Wynonna couldn’t help but laugh at the memory of Alice trying to sweep the floor with a broom that was way too tall for her tiny body. “Yeah, kind of like that.”

“I don’t like jobs. I don’t ever want to be a grownup.” Alice shook her head.

With a small smile on her face, Wynonna brushed Alice’s hair out of her face. “I don’t want you to be a grownup either, Kid.”

The small playground in the middle of the food court caught Alice’s attention, and her eyelids opened a little wider in awe. “Can I go play over there?”

Wynonna looked to where Alice was pointing. “As long as you stay where I can see you.”

“How will I know if you can see me?” Alice challenged. It was something she did quite often, and was definitely something she got from the Earp side of the family.

Wynonna leaned forward so that her face was slightly closer to Alice’s before answering, “If you can see me, then I can see you.”

“Oh.” Alice giggled, and Wynonna cracked a smile and breathily laughed. She helped Alice down off of her lap with an exaggerated grunt and a passing comment about how big she was getting before sending her off and giving her a playful pat on her behind as she eyed the girl like a hawk to make sure she got there okay — even though it was only about 20 feet away. She looked back at Waverly and noticed her tugging her bra straps upwards over her shirt like something was wrong. “You alright?”

“Yeah, just a little sore.”

Wynonna grimaced slightly. “Please tell me you’re not about to go into details about something sex-related. Because you know I can’t handle that right now.”

Waverly shook her head. “No, it’s not anything like that. They’re just aching from the hormones.” She froze as soon as the last sentence left her lips. She wasn’t even thinking when she said that. But Wynonna seemed completely unfazed as she nodded. “Ah, yeah mine hurt like a bitch during my period too. But not as much as they did when I was pregnant.” 

Waverly pressed her lips together, not saying anything as she avoided eye contact with Wynonna by looking over at Alice to check on her. She was thankful for the assumption, as it was getting more and more difficult to keep her pregnancy a secret from her sister every time they saw each other. But she and Nicole had both agreed not to say anything to anyone until after the first trimester, especially with how their luck could be sometimes. They didn’t want to jinx it. When she heard the small sound of a thud, she turned her head back around and noticed Wynonna with her forehead on the table.

“I miss sex so much,” she whined, but it was slightly muffled as her mouth was pointed downward towards her lap.

“I thought you and Doc started hooking up again recently?” Waverly raised a questioning eyebrow.

As Wynonna lifted her head back up, she blew out a breath. “We were for a little while. But I don’t know, things with us are just complicated right now.”

“They’re always complicated.” Waverly rolled her eyes, and Wynonna shrugged.

“We’re both bad at commitment.”

“That’s not true. You’re both very committed to Alice,” Waverly stated matter-of-factly.

“That’s different. She’s our daughter, of course we’re committed to her.”

“I wish mom had felt like that,” Waverly said softly as she folded her arms across her chest and looked back over at Alice, who was now playing with two other kids on the small slide. She was definitely an extrovert.

Wynonna looked at Waverly for a moment with creased eyebrows. “Why are you thinking about mom all of a sudden?” 

Because I’m pregnant, was what Waverly wanted to say, but she couldn’t. So instead, she just shrugged. “I don’t know. I just think about her from time to time.”

“But, you never even knew her.”

Even though Wynonna was just stating a fact, the words aggravated Waverly as they only rubbed salt in the wound. “Yes, I’m fully aware of the fact that she left before I got a chance to know her.” 

Wynonna’s face shifted from confused to apologetic when she heard the annoyed tone in her sister’s voice. “Sorry, I wasn’t trying to be a dick or anything. I was just surprised you brought her up.” She took a moment of silence before adding, “I think about her too sometimes. I just didn’t think you did because we’ve never really talked about her before.”

“You do?” Waverly’s voice was much softer now, and the bite was completely gone.

“Yeah. Occasionally. I think about how Alice won’t ever have any grandparents, which I feel guilty about. And how she has two parents who don’t know how to stay in a relationship for too long, which I feel even more guilty about.” She pursed her lips as she thought about Doc. “Did I mention how much I miss sex?” 

Waverly rolled her eyes. “You sound like an addict.”

“No, you and Haught are the addicts.”

“Okay A, we’re not. We’re just a happily married couple with completely normal libidos. And B, why don’t you just download an app and hook up with some hot guy like you usually do? You know, scratch the itch.” Waverly smirked.

“You mean like I used to do? I don’t hook up with randoms anymore. It’s different ever since Alice. I mean don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade her for anything. But I can’t just have one night stands like I used to. I’m not just going to bring a random guy home with Alice there.”

“Nicole and I could watch her. Like we do when you and Doc are both at work. Or Jeremy and Robin could. Or Dolls and Sam, or Chrissy and Rosita...you’ve got a whole army of free baby sitters around you.”

Wynonna shook her head, completely rejecting the idea. “See, something about that just feels icky. Like I’m abandoning my daughter to score.”

“Okay, you’re not buying drugs or anything. And you wouldn’t be abandoning her, you’d be indulging in some much needed TLC.”

“But for some reason it still just feels wrong.” Wynonna let out a short breath as she leaned against the back of the chair.

“All I’m saying is that I know you have needs and you and Doc are whatever right now,” she raised both her hands simultaneously. “So if you ever did want to go out with someone, even if it’s just for dinner or drinks, Nicole and I can watch Alice.”

“Thanks, Waves. I appreciate that.” A small smile spread across Wynonna’s lips, but it quickly dropped when she noticed Waverly making a weird face. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. All of the food smells are just making me feel a little nauseous.” She took a few swigs of her water in hopes that it would help reduce the nausea.

“But, you love the food court smells. It’s one of your favorite parts of the mall.” She looked at Waverly curiously.

“I guess I’m just not feeling all that great today.”

Worry started to take over Wynonna’s face. “You’re not getting sick, are you? Because Alice can’t get sick. Taking care of a sick four-year-old is not fun. Especially when there’s vomit or diarrhea involved.”

Waverly chuckled lightly. “No, I’m not sick. And you’re such a mom.”

Wynonna rolled her eyes as a smile threatened to expose her pleasure from the words. “Yeah well, that’s going to be you one day.”

A feeling of warmth spread all over Waverly’s body as she thought about how in just seven months she was going to be holding her own baby in her arms. She looked down and held a hand over her stomach as she smiled faintly, not wanting Wynonna to get too suspicious and ask her why she was smiling down at her crotch.

It wasn’t too long before Alice was running back up to them and climbing on Wynonna again. 

“Mommy can we get some ice cream please mommy please?”

Wynonna shifted her narrowed gaze from Waverly — who was thoroughly amused by Alice’s climbing skills — to Alice. “And make you even more hyper? Nuh uh, the last thing you need right now is sugar.”

Alice pouted, and just as she had opened her mouth to whine about it, Wynonna held up a finger.

“And remember, whiny kids aren’t allowed inside the mall.”

Alice quickly closed her mouth and moved from Wynonna’s lap to the empty chair on the side adjacent to both her and Waverly, and folded her little arms firmly as she furrowed her brow. She tried to look angry, but with her legs dangling over the edge of the seat not even close to touching the floor, she just looked cute more than anything. She sat there silently as Waverly looked at Wynonna with a small smile, clearly entertained, while Wynonna looked back at her shaking her head and biting back her own smile.

---

That day at work, Nicole had left Lucas in charge of the station while she and Parker went out for rounds, which she planned every so often as she used it as her time to help train the rookie. After driving around town, Nicole parked the cruiser behind a bush on the side of the road and handed the radar gun over to Parker, who took it with an amount of excitement that Nicole missed having. She still got excited about her job, but it wasn’t the same kind of excitement as when it’s all fresh and new. Parker held the gun up as they waited for cars to pass by.

“So, why’d you pick Purgatory?” Nicole asked, trying to fill the space with some casual conversation. And also, she had been curious. Parker had been working there for three and a half months already and Nicole finally decided that they had built a good enough work relationship to be able to ask that question.

“What do you mean?” Parker asked.

“I couldn’t get a single person at that recruiting event to want to come work here at our station, except for you. Which was a little surprising, because Purgatory is such a small town. I get why Marsh likes it here, he fits right in and also he grew up here. But you’re just so different, and I mean that in the best way. Different is really good, and I’m so glad to have someone like you on the force.”

A genuine smile formed on Parker’s face, as they were rarely ever told something like that.

“I was just wondering why someone like you would want to work in a typically closed-minded place like Purgatory.”

As soon as Nicole had finished talking, Parker looked at the radar gun they were still holding up in position. “Well, actually it’s because of you.”

Nicole drew her eyebrows together in surprise. “Me? Was my pitch really that good?”

“No,” Parker laughed lightly as they shook their head. “I mean, the pitch wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t the thing that convinced me to come. It was you.”

Nicole shook her head, still confused. She was a good officer, but she wasn’t well-known or anything. Especially with how unknown Purgatory was. There were a lot of other departments at that recruitment event that had way more publicity like the ones out in the cities usually did. Most of the people there hadn’t even heard of Purgatory, let alone her. “I’m still not following.”

Parker finally set the gun down in their lap. “Most of the recruiters at the event were white men. And there were only two women, one of which who was actually sheriff. And that was you.” They glanced over at Nicole for a brief moment before looking back down at their lap. “Having a female boss just sounded very appealing. And then I looked you up and found out that you were a lesbian, and that really sealed the deal for me.” They licked their lips and shifted their position so that they were sitting up a little straighter. “At the academy, I didn’t get the best treatment. Nobody respected my pronouns and some even made jokes about me wearing a binder. Or about my ‘lesbian’ haircut, which was really annoying because I’m not even a lesbian. But they saw me as one, because they saw me as a woman who likes women, but I’m not a woman.” They let out a long sigh at the memories before looking over at Nicole. “I just figured that since you were queer you’d be cool with it, and maybe even have my back if anyone else gave me shit for it. I didn’t even look into Purgatory much because I was already sold. I have to admit, I was a little surprised when I realized how small of a town it was and that there’s only three of us working in the station, but Lucas is great. He can be a little ignorant sometimes, but he tries to learn and that means a lot to me. Plus he really is just a nice guy.”

“He is,” Nicole nodded with a smile. “He’s really great.”

“Yeah,” Parker smiled back for a brief moment before letting the corners of their mouth drop a little. “Sometimes people in this town can be very closed-minded, which is fine because it’s nothing I’m not already used to. But the difference here is that I like my job, and I like you and Lucas. I feel accepted at work, which makes it all worth it. So, I don’t mind the stares I get when I go out.”

“You know, when I first came here I was the only queer person in town. Well, except for Waverly, but she didn’t know she was gay.” Nicole gave a breathy laugh.

“So, you were the first woman she’d been with?” Normally they wouldn’t ask their boss something so personal, but they were comfortable having conversations like this with Nicole, which was how Nicole wanted it to be. She wanted her employees to respect her as their boss, but she also wanted there to be open communication as it made her relationships with her employees stronger. Which made for a better team and overall work environment.

“Yep. I turned her.” Nicole winked, and both of them laughed. “No but seriously, she had been with this horrible womanizing man-child for over four years when she met me.”

“Well that must have bruised his ego to see her leave him for you. Is he still in town?”

“No,” Nicole shook her head. “Thankfully.”

Seemingly out of nowhere, a black sedan sped past them, and Parker quickly fumbled for the radar gun but held it up a little too late. “I didn’t get it.”

Nicole hastily put her seatbelt on and started the car. “You didn’t have to.” 

Parker put their seatbelt on as well just in time for Nicole to zoom out into the road and flip the lights and siren on. They followed the car for a few blocks, quickly realizing that whoever was in the car wasn’t going to be pulling over anytime soon. She called Lucas for backup and after a few minutes of chasing, he appeared from the opposite side of the road, forcing the car to pull over into the nearby abandoned parking lot. She and Parker got out of the car at the same time Lucas got out of his and they all held their guns up from behind their opened doors. 

“Put your hands out of the window where I can see them!” Nicole shouted.

The person did as they were told and continued to follow Nicole’s instructions as they got out of the car and walked backwards towards her with his hands still in the air. It was a man who looked like he was in his early twenties. Nicole had never seen him before, which meant he was most likely someone just passing through. As soon as she put her gun in its holster and grabbed her handcuffs, the man reached into his pocket and pulled out a knife before haphazardly swinging it behind him where Nicole was. Lucas and Parker intervened and managed to detain him and throw him in the back of Lucas’ squad car before running over to where Nicole was hunched over with her hand over the right side of her abdomen, wincing in pain. 

“Son of a bitch!” She hissed as she removed her hand from the small red patch on her uniform shirt and lifted it up her to assess the wound.

Parker grabbed a clean rag from the car and rushed over to hand it to Nicole to help stop the bleeding. “It doesn’t look too deep, but you’re definitely going to need stitches.” They noticed the big scar near where the wound was, but knew it wasn’t the best time to ask about it. Suddenly, they wondered just how dangerous of a town Purgatory actually was.

“Okay,” Nicole breathed as she nodded. “Can you drive me to the hospital? I don’t want to wait for an ambulance.”

“Yeah. Want me to call Waverly?”

Nicole paused for a moment. Waverly was always worried about Nicole getting hurt on the job ever since she got shot all those years ago, and the last thing she wanted to do was get her all worked up over a flesh wound, especially with the baby. “No,” she shook her head. “I don’t want her to worry.”

Parker nodded in understanding and helped Nicole off the ground with Lucas quickly running over to help them. 

As soon as Nicole checked into the hospital, she ordered Parker to go back to the station to help Lucas. The doctor quickly stitched her up while telling her over and over again how lucky she was, and discharged her in record timing. She looked at her watch and checked the time — nearly four o’clock — before pulling out her phone and calling Jeremy, who lived nearby.

“Hey, are you home? I’m at the hospital. Can you or Robin come pick me up and give me a ride to the station? ...yes, I’m fine. I promise. Okay, thank you. I’ll see you in a bit.” She hung up and waited patiently on a bench outside the hospital, as she hated being inside by herself.

When Jeremy pulled up a few minutes later, Nicole slowly got up with a slight grimace and walked to the car before sitting down in a similar manner.

“Are you sure you’re okay? What happened?” He worried.

“Some crazy guy with a knife.”

Jeremy’s eyes widened. “You got stabbed?!”

“Not stabbed, cut. It was nothing serious, just a few stitches.” She pulled up her shirt to show him, and he let out a loud breath.

“You’re one lucky woman, you know that?”

“I do.” Nicole nodded while carefully putting her shirt back down as Jeremy drove out of the parking lot.

“I’m going to guess that since Waverly isn’t here, that means you didn’t tell her?” He gave her a look that indicated his disapproval.

“I didn’t want her to worry. You know how she is.”

“She’s your wife, Nicole. She should know these things.” His tone was borderline criticizing.

“I know, and I’ll tell her when I get home from work tonight...once she sees that I’m fine.” Nicole shrugged.

Jeremy shook his head and sighed in disappointment. “You know she’s going to kill you, right?”

Nicole knew he was right, but she didn’t see any point in getting Waverly all worked up over something that wasn’t that serious. She’d much rather have Waverly be mad at her than put her through all that worry over nothing. “I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.”