Disappointment

Leo spends the night somewhere between unconsciousness and rage. The process of warming his body back up is rather long and unpleasant. Consequently, he is awakened every time he nearly falls asleep. Orderlies and medics take turns scrutinizing him, making sure he is in good health and recovering properly. They somehow manage to time it just right so that they wake him from the start of a deep slumber. Because of this unfortunate timing, Leonidas becomes increasingly angry over the course of the night, the emotion progressing to a point where he flings a pillow at one poor medic.

The anger is, Leo knows, a side effect of Cecil's previous treatment of him. Ruhban stayed by his side for quite some time but Cecil never bothered to show. Leonidas is not sure whether he is hurt or relieved. The numbness induced by Cecil's harsh words did not last long, and when it broke, it dumped Leo's exhausted heart in an acid pit of confusion, anger, and pain. The twin is likely to erupt into a rage at the sight of his brother.

In the early morning light, the medics finally deem Leo warm enough to leave alone, and almost immediately he falls into sleep. Closing his eyes, coiling up against the rough fabric of his cot, it takes Leonidas only a few seconds to give in to exhaustion.

"Leo?"

Groaning softly, Leo peels his eyes open. For a moment, he feels content. Warm, safe, and somewhere near his twin. Staring blearily at the cold stone wall of the infirmary, however, he is quickly reminded of his shortcomings.

Immediately, any good feeling is chased from his chest by a cold fist seizing his heart. Squeezing his eyes shut against the constricting pain, the boy groans softly.

"Are you okay, Leo?" Ruhban asks, coming up next to his twin's cot. "Do I need to grab a medic?"

The mere mention of a medic has Leo's eyes opening once again, his voice turning to a growl as he says, "No. I'm fine."

"That's great," Ruhban says excitedly, plopping down next to his brother. "I just came to check on you. I thought you might be lonely."

Shifting slightly so that he can study his twin out of the corner of one eye, Leonidas murmurs, "Thanks." Ruhban seems to be back to his normal self, bouncing with energy and yet surprisingly level-headed. He has always had a positive outlook on life, which Leo is unsure how he managed to keep through their childhood. "Although," he supposes, "he was always sheltered. Him and Yanera."

After a moment of silence between the two brothers, Ruhban asks softly, "Are you sure that you're okay?"

Leo returns his eyes to the wall, sighing through his nose. "No, Rue. I'm not sure. Everything's a mess."

"I'm sorry, Leo. About how Cecil acted. He's super intense, you know. And now he's stressed about something to do with the high king and--"

That fast fire erupts behind Leo's eyes, and before he is even really sure what has happened, he is upright and has viciously slammed his brother with the heavy pillow. Ruhban yelps, slow to cover himself from the blow, and suddenly finds himself on the floor, his brother glaring down on him.

"Leo!" Ruhban exclaims, indignant. The protest earns him another beating, which is surprisingly painful with the considerable strength Leo throws into the blows. "Leo! Quit!" the youngest twin squawks, trying desperately to catch the pillow and bring a cease fire. "Ow! Leonidas!"

Leo stops of his own accord, wishing desperately he had something much harder to berate his twin with. Like the butt of a spear. Or, better yet, a nice solid club. "How dare you," he pants through his teeth, scoring a cheepshot to his twin's head as Ruhban attempts to sit back up. "How dare you defend him!"

"I'm not--" Ruhban starts, and is rewarded by another whack, driving him back to the floor. "Stop hitting me, curse you!"

"Get out," Leo snarls, feeling nearly feral. "Get out right now."

"No!" Ruhban yells right back, finally getting a hold of the pillow. "Leonidas! You're acting like a two-year-old."

"You take your 'Cecil's Amazing' bandwagon and get out," Leo growls vehemently, yanking the pillow from his brother's grasp and hurtling back to the cot. Around them, the infirmary is starting to come alive. Other inmates are perking up, peering around deer-skin privacy curtains to watch the show. Leonidas doesn't care. No matter what he does, no matter what he says, Cecil is always the first in Ruhban's life. Ruhban would gladly give up his twin, Leo assumes, for the sake of staying beside Cecil. Leo has always, always, been second to his eldest brother in Ruhban's life. It is almost as if the eldest twin is invisible. "If you're going to come in here and defend him, you better walk out of that door and never come back."

"I'm not defending him, Leo," Ruhban says, steadying his breathing and attempting to regain his composure. He tries to raise himself back onto the cot and one look from Leo has him settling himself back on the floor.

"Like hell you aren't," the eldest twin snarls. Then, raising his voice to mocking tones, he parrots, "he's stressed about something to do with the high king'."

Ruhban winces, realizing his folly and immediately tries, "Leo, I'm--"

"Why do you always pick him?" Leo snaps over the top of him, suddenly shaking. "Why do you refuse to see bad in him? Why do you always back down whenever I'm in trouble?"

"He's my brother, Leo."

"I'm your twin," Leo exclaims, his voice betraying his hurt.

"Am I supposed to love one of you more than the other?" Ruhban hisses, suddenly defensive.

"No! But obviously you do!" Leo shouts, flourishing his hand to the side in a movement of exasperation. "Did you hear what he said to me?! How can you be okay with that?"

"I'm not! He shouldn't have said those things!"

"Then why did you come here to defend him, Ruhban? That dragon nearly killed me. He's the crown prince of Soladirwin. I'd never even seen a dragon before yesterday! How am I supposed to be expected to kill him? And why in the world is it that killing that dragon gives me value?!"

"Two days ago, actually," Ruhban corrects in a small voice.

Drawing a breath to continue his rampage, Leo is caught off guard by this information. "What?" he asks.

"You slept through a day," the younger twin murmurs.

"Regardless. It doesn't change my point. Do I not have value to you because I can't kill?"

Ruhban stares at his boots, oiled daily to keep them from soaking through. "Of course you have value, Leo. You're my twin. I love you. It's just… I was really excited when I knew you'd get to go kill that dragon. I thought maybe you'd finally get over that and… and you could be great just like Cecil. But you didn't. You… Leo you let it leave. You no doubt spared it. We had that dragon in our grasp. We could have conceivably turned the tide of the entire war by killing that prince. You just… you let the prince get up and walk away. "

Leo opens his mouth to protest, to insist that he did not just let the dragon parade away, but is stopped by the fact that he did. Not only did he let him, he helped him. Ruhban is right. By all means he is right, which only serves to hurt worse. He could have saved those lives, sure. But he could not take the life of Ausren. If faced with the same choice again, Leo is, to his own surprise, certain that he would choose the dragon again. He shuts his mouth, opens it, and eventually settles with a feral growl he wasn't aware he could make. Then, after that, he asks, "Does that excuse Cecil's behavior? Does that excuse you letting him say those things to me?"

"I tried to stop him, Leo. It's just… he's just… you… he was expecting the same thing. He was excited. When you came back without the dragon he was just… disappointed."

"Do you not care," Leo whispers softly, clenching his fists at his sides, "that I nearly died?"

Ruhban's head snaps up at that, something close to pain in his eyes. "O-of course I care, Leo. How… how could you possibly think that I don't care? I love you."

Leo glances back down at the floor, starting to shake. "It really doesn't seem like it."

"Leo," Ruhban breathes softly, getting to his feet. "I'm… I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Cecil said some nasty things. He really did. And I'm sorry."

"You backed down, Ruhban. You let me take it, let him say those things," Leo whispers.

"I tried to reprimand him for saying it, Leo. He just wouldn't listen. You have to understand…" Ruhban rails off, realizing that his brother is not looking at him, has no interest in looking at him.

It just occurred to the eldest twin that perhaps there is a reason to Ruhban's taking Cecil's side in everything. Ruhban keeps saying he was disgusted that Cecil said something so horrible. Not that he was unnerved that he was thinking it, or that it would occur to the eldest sibling. Just that he said it.

Suddenly, all the fight is gone, replaced by a cold fist around his heart. It is suddenly hard to breathe again.

"You agree with him," Leo says in a small voice, "don't you?"

Ruhban blinks, shocked, and suddenly lunges forward, desperately trying to get a hold of his brother. "W-what? I didn't-I didn't say--"

Leo catches his arm around the wrist, stopping his brother's advance. The eldest twin refuses to look at his brother as he says firmly, "Get out."

Ruhban blinks, suddenly panicking. He is unsure of how Leo came to the conclusion that Ruhban thinks he's a coward and a disgrace, but he desperately wants to right it. Ruhban does not believe that. Not at all. All he wants to do is comfort his twin and yet Leo is pushing him away.

"Leo, please--" Ruhban tries again.

Leonidas drops his brother's arm, gaze fixed on the ground. He simply repeats, "Get out."

"But, I don���t--"

"Leave, Rue," Leo breathes. "Please, just leave."

For a moment there is silence, as if the whole world is holding its breath. And then, slowly, Ruhban turns and walks past his twin toward the infirmary door.

Moving slowly, nearly sluggishly, Leo moves back over to his cot and lays down. Hauling the blankets back over himself, he buries his head in the pillow and shakes.

Eventually, after much too long, he falls into unconsciousness and sleeps the rest of the day away.