Shattered

I looked at her back, then to my side, both me and Alvaro were looking at each other. There was an uncomfortable but understanding silence among us, that if disrupted, it would be deadly. While she kept driving Alvaro and I said nothing, but we knew she was not okay.

We kept out of her view of the mirrors afraid of her lashing out on us. Although it is rare for her to lose temper or control of her emotions, we were afraid of her. She had her moments in the same way. We both knew the strong and reliable side of her. She always carried a smile on her face, while at times when looking at her back, she seemed lonely and at the same time something else that could not be put into words. We have been by each other's side during these past four years. It was not easy, and she did not let anyone know how she felt after all their passings. She just gave a smile but never looked anyone in the eyes. Everyone thought that she was cold hearted and that she wanted it because everyone else knew that the relationship she had with her family was not good, but she still cared for them despite everything. She could have left and never spoken to them, but she did not do that. Alvaro and I both knew that there were many reasons as to why she kept to herself. One being that she was afraid to be hurt. Another was because of her upbringing. It was something that we all had in common in which tears were a form of weakness but there were cases in which we both had shed them in public.

The first time I cried, after many years of not doing so, was at my parents' funeral. It pained me. Despite her trying to act normal like nothing ever happened. If we didn't know better or did not know her at all she would have been able to hide it. I wonder how she's still able to hold out this long. We have been living with her, and each of us have been taking turns taking care of her, especially throughout the night after her parents passed away. We were so worried about what she might do thinking about how she acted at her parents' funeral.

She was there to comfort me when my parents passed away and she was there for every and each one of us. Although she was not the best at comforting people and her words would come across as cruel and harsh there was truth in them. The one thing we did not want at that time but got us to pull ourselves together.

Although there were still moments in which we were still not able to keep ourselves together she helped with it by being a rock that we can always lean on. It's crazy to think as to how those shoulders could have and can carry so much now looking back at it.

She looks so broken now like the shell that was holding everything, keeping anybody from seeing any more than just the outside has finally cracked. Now there are pieces of the shell on the floor, what was inside of the shell is starting to seep out and finally the shell has shattered and everything that was kept inside is coming to view in fast and powerful waves like a tsunami.

We each kept our respective spaces because we all had a side that we did not want to keep in touch with, we each had our fair share of sufferings that we did not want others to know about, but that is exactly what kept us close together. But this is not one of them pains that we would ever share in common. At least I hope so. It was baffling for both me and Alvaro seeing their faces in the crowd tonight.

Knowing the faces of that are our living room altar in the crowd was something that was heard of or seen in our families. Our parents had gotten along with each other growing up and it was mostly a family full of adults. It was a group of eight that had gotten along that were the same age. But Ale was a little more mentally grown up than us at the time and she stood with the adults listening to their conversations and observing them. She was able to understand things such as knowing how to handle the situations we as children had gotten ourselves into. But I don't think that anything she had been through had prepared her for what went down tonight.

I looked out the window to locate myself in the unfamiliar surroundings and it was nowhere I could recognize meaning we were in the territory she had gotten to know like the back of her hand while she was out doing things only God would know.

Finally, we came to a stop in which we were by the water but in a run-down area in a dock I believe because of spaces in which boats or ships were supposed to be. Ale shut off the engine and got out walking towards that water leaving the keys inside and intact with the car. At first I thought she would take them with her as she made it seem like she had forgotten about us throughout the whole car ride and said nothing but then I realized the glance she made towards us telling us to watch her. She did this probably knowing that we would be worried about her if she went off on her own tonight.

She just stood there looking at the sea in the direction in which I believe we came, looking towards home. Who knows what thoughts were running through her head. I turned to look at Alvaro and he seemed to be in a world of his own, probably thinking about tonight and looking back into the past. He was the one the other adults loved because he was loveable and charismatic, but he got along better with her parents than with his own. I wonder as to what he may be thinking or feeling now.