Loves Desperation

Dreams are always a mix of things, I guess it depends on the mood of the person when they go to bed. Regardless of the dream there is a moment of peace before you wake up, but you are at the end of it. It is a moment where every little thing is perfect, and you have no worries in life.

I had reached that state when the soft summer breeze hit my darker ivory skin. The feeling of the light was just as real as my tangled hair laying across my pillow. There was no urge to get out from under the covers, but aroma of coffee was filling the house, which meant my mom Dawn was up. While gently pulling my light blue comforter off I mentally went through my routine:

· Get up-Always a first

· Grab clothes and put them on- incredibly important

· Breakfast- some days that was debatable

· Bus then to school- Not a fan

It usually did not take me long to get ready. Brush my hair, teeth, double check that my homework was done and head to the kitchen. Walking out of my doorway I could see my parent's room, the door was open, so it meant Phillip was gone. I turned to go down the hall, from there I saw that they were working on the house. We had just moved in a couple months ago and they were still touching somethings up. This time we had covers on our outlets. All the major details were done. Honestly, building your own home made me want to make sure I hired my own dam help.

My mom was standing in the kitchen drinking her coffee while wearing her blue bath robe. Her raven black hair was thin and dangling down to her shoulder. She was not ready for the day, which was not surprising. As I walked by, I saw the bags under her eyes and the beginning of a bruise. She was arguing with my brothers because they were fighting over who knows what. My brothers were 12 and 10 years of age. They sported the same raven hair as my mom, but they had bright green eyes. I never got along with them, maybe because our dad Philip was not really my dad or maybe it was the age difference. I had no clue.

They continue their fighting all the way to the end of driveway and while we waited for our bus. I was sadly one of the few high schoolers who rode the bus. It was far from fun, and it was a 10-minute drive to the school. As I got my brothers on, I noticed that the bus driver was just enthused as I was for the day. The driver was your typical short stalking guy, white hair, and all. He only scowled while we loaded up to the bus.

Brandon and Tom sat up front with their friends while I moved to the back. There was a spot on the bus I hated, usually a trio of blonde hair heathens sat towards the back. Regardless of who you were or age they always picked on everyone. There were times I could ignore them and there were a couple times where yes, I did beat them up. I was far from proud about it, but no one bated an eye when I did. Getting to high school was never fast enough between the blonde hair kids and how easily they can influence the bus made 10 minutes seem like 40.

High schooler was always off first on my bus. Made sense since the school was right there but was still too far out of town to walk. The school was made up of six different towns, none of the towns were big enough for well, just about anything really. You had your basic gas station, bank, empty collapsing buildings and amazingly a video store that had some arcade games. If kids were desperate enough for any form of entertainment they went there.

There was not much in this town, Rosendale could be seeing as two different versions of your basic Iowa town. It was either the sappy shit you saw in love movies or the one where the angsty teen rebel fought to leave. I sadly was somewhere stuck in between them. Towards the end of my Sophomore year I had fallen into his arms, literally. You know the whole locker door would not open and my final pull I flew backwards, he caught me of course

I have noticed him before, but this was different, looking into his soft blue eyes had caught my attention. His square jaw showed that he had peach fuzz growing. It was subtle but matched his light brown hair. My eyes followed down his face to his broad arms. He was a freshman but spent the year building muscle for football. His body was not what caught my attention, they were his eyes. They looked exactly how I felt. Let us bring out the mental list, shall we?

ü Lost

ü Confused

ü Scared

ü Hurt

ü Wall around self

ü Desperate

ü Lust

ü Longing

ü Attraction

"Hi" Which came out like a whisper from my mouth

"Hey Amelia" Dean whispered but with a smerky (sexy smerk)

"Thanks for catching me Dean." I felt like I was in a trance, if it were not for his shorter partner in crime, Zack, clearing his throat we would have been scolded by Mrs. Beverly my biology teacher.

Dean stood me up right and let go. The second his fingers left I had craved his touch, desperately prevented myself from letting out a whimper. Millie was not a desperate girl and did not need his touch. Dean handed me my bag and phone from the concrete ground. As his hand brushed my hand, various parts of me raged war. Dammit body, not today, maybe Elis would be available later to help with this.

As I looked at my ghetto Nokia phone, I saw there was not even a scratch on it. "Fucking bomb couldn't even break this"

"Amelia Hart? Language!" Shouted Mrs. Beverly. Apparently, I did not just think those words. I shot her an apologetic look and went back to Dean

"Well since it works, let me add my number for you and you can holler if you need me." He stated

"You can do better pick up man." Zack chuckled.

Dean smirked and shook his head as he gave me my phone back. I am not sure how long I stood smiling ear to ear before I walked to class.

"Earth to Millie!" Shouted Eli, he looked me straight into my eyes. "We going to school or what?"

Eli was looking tired with his brown eyes, he had bags under them which meant one of two things. 1. He either got high the night before or 2. His shit parents were at it again which means he slept in the park. He was scrawny due to the lack of food in his home. The curly dirty brown hair showed there was a small leaf in it, so number 2 it was. Eli grabbed my bag and lead me off the bus. I followed him into the cafeteria and sat at our usual table. It was never full due to many reasons. Our bus always got to school thirty minutes before the first bell, and it was the far corner where the rejects always sat. We had a daily routine even when I had drama practice.

When I had practice, he would meet me in the auditorium and bring me in the cafeteria. Today there was no practice, so he grabbed his breakfast and sat down.

"My mom has been getting off the bus all week at your place until she gets off work." Eli paused to shove his eggs into his mouth. "She thinks it's a good for me to hang around you."

I could not help but chuckle at his statement. A year before Dean, we hung out and hit it off. His mom would and still was working at my parent's family business. This was when it became obvious our families were oblivious to all the shit and did not care. Honestly two teens alone in a house for hours, come on. It was not too far into the summer break when he really saw that we had a lot in common.

We had been playing Super Nintendo in my old farmhouse, sprawled out on the floor in front of an old box tv. It was also the only room with an air conditioner, I had just beat a level he failed at.

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" Eli shouted, "How can you make it look so easy?"

"What can I say, I'm the master of hand eye coordination." I replied puffing out my chest. We could not keep a straight face and started laughing. "AS much as you jerk off on a daily basis you should be better."

While still laughing Eli lunged and wrapped me into his embrace tightly. "You're just jealous you don't do it." As he tackled me down, he noticed way too much too quick. "You know Millie, I get you're iffy on your body but it's brutally hot and your shirt is soaked."

He was so right! I had curves galore, hourglass figure was best description except I had a B cup. I did not have a muffin top, but I also did not have abs. I was just curvy in a way. I rarely wore shorts and today I did not have my usual tank on, I had that, jeans, and a t-shirt on. So, I was dying in my clothes and boob sweat was not fun.

"Come on Millie, strip the shirt. It's just us." His face was concerned and for reasons he was already suspecting.

I hesitated until I saw the worry in his eyes. I grabbed the bottom of my shirt and pulled up, as I place my shirt down on the floor his face went from shock, anger, and concern in seconds. He brought his hand up to my shoulder as I flinched at the movement he hesitated; sadness was all his face showed. His hands proceeded like he was approaching a corned animal; his calloused fingers traced the dark bruises from my collarbone to my neck.

"Jesus Millie!" he hissed through his teeth. "Did Philip do this to you?"

A burning sensation formed in my eyes as the tears began to fall down my cheeks. Eli's hand moved to cup my cheek and his thumb moved slowly over a lone tear. I could not bring the words and just nodded to confirm his question. My name became a whisper to his lips. As I opened my eyes, his lips hovered over my cheek and he gently placed a kiss to where the tear had been. He slowly trailed the kiss down my cheek and to my neck. My breath hitched as he reached my collarbone and my cheeks began to heat. I was not sure why, but my body began to hum while he continued until he reached my lips. His kiss was light and playful. Eli placed his hand on the small of my back and moved to grab my ass.

"Let me help you feel better." Elis said as he stared into my eyes. "I want those big brown eyes to glisten when I am done."

"Eli, I've never done this before. You'll be taking my V-card."

"Wouldn't you rather it be with someone you trust?"

All I could do was nod to his questions. I led him to my room up the stairs. He walked me through it all, the feelings I would have, the pain at the first times and everything about the actual feelings. He not once lied to me; it did hurt. It was almost like a pinch and he waited for me to adjust to him. I felt so bad though because I did not know what to do. I enjoyed every bit and from his sounds he did too. After we finished, he pulled my sheet over us, I burrowed myself into his side and could smell his body spray. It was minty almost or pine smelling. He placed his lips to the top of my head while finger combed through my light brown wavy hair. We laid like that for what seem like forever. Afraid to speak on what happened next.

"Millie?" He whispered.

"Hmm?" I responded while looking up at him.

"Any time he has hurt you, let me know and I will take it away. The pain, the fear you name it and I will make it go away somehow."

I paused before the next words came out. "Same for you Eli. We can help each other out."

Now is it odd two teens becoming friends with benefits? Sure, it is! However, because we were both nobody is no one cared we spent the whole year like this, not all the time it was sex. We would play games, talk, and take walks on my family farm. He was there for me in many ways that no one else was. When I expressed that I liked Dean he was happy for me, he had also met a girl. We talked to each other on how to talk with the people we were crushing on. In fact, the weekend before out dates we had spent a whole day discussing on what we liked about our dates.

Despite being with Dean we still hung out; I think he was the only one who saw what was happening. Either I hid it well or people just looked away. "I'll have to let Dean know, he has his uncle's car and will be coming by."

"You see him six days a week Millie, during and after school. He can't go that long without you?" Eli raised an eyebrow to his question.

I rolled my eyes at him and stole some of his wannabe bacon. "It's not every day."

As if being summoned by his name, Dean sat next to me, possessively placing his arm around my waist. "Good morning babe. And Eli." He and Eli were civil to each other but never were the best of friends.

"Morning hon." I proclaimed while placing a kiss on his cheek. "Don't forget this weekend Mandi and I are going homecoming dress shopping."

"Why can't it wait? Aren't we supposed to hang out?"

Eli shot me a glare to me as to prove something. I looked to Dean, "It's just for a few hours, then I am all yours. Plus, homecoming is a month away and I would like to look nice for you."

He seemed to be pleased with my answer and squeezed my waist more, I winced at the pressure but place a smile on my face. The whole fake it until you make had been my go-to slogan recently. The bell to remind us first period was starting soon rang, we gathered up our stuff and left the cafeteria. You know the whole 'love is blind'? I could not really say if I utterly understood what it meant but under a year, I had changed a lot. I still could not see it either. Mandi had mentioned some things that kind of made me briefly see it.

Mandi was THE best friend of mine. She lived in a town over, so I did not get to see her unless we hung out on the weekend until we got our licenses. Even then we would go to her place because of Philip. She knew just about everything one could considering my life. She knew of Eli and I's relationship; she was also the one to know about Dean and I getting together. She was my sister and I loved her dearly. She was making some valid points when I sat down for class

"Bitch, seriously you haven't hung out with Taylor or the Heathers in months. You have missed a lot." Mandi had been chatting away most of the morning. She was like another version of me except she had blue eyes, was slightly shorter and massive curly hair. Like Alex Kingston curly, it was its own entity. She placed her hair in a messy bun and fixed her daily band shirt. There was a prism on it which meant it was Pink Floyd today.

"Well I have been busy lately and when I talk with them about ANYTHING it gets out." I was not at all wrong, when I told them and Mandi about fucking Dean the whole school knew about it by the next day, so did our parents. Which earned us 'the talk' and we were rarely allowed to be alone. Our siblings were near, and it meant we had to get creative if we wanted to sneak away.

"Apparently Taylor's parents are getting a divorce, her brother knocked up Heather p and Heather K was seen hooking up with a guy last week. No one saw who but still."

All I could do was roll my eyes at it, just daily drama. I honestly blame social media and technology for it all. 2009 and it was everywhere you turned. I rolled up my sleeves of my hoodie and reached for my pencil and books. I was fixing my bracelet when Mandi grabbed my arm, she knew about my home life. One day I had come to her house with a black eye from my dad. She always helped hide them but lately I hid more. She did not know that it was not just my dad hurting me, Dean had been starting to become more physical lately.

"Dude! What the fuck?" she whispers yelled.

"Dean got a little rough the other night and didn't mean to." Again, another moment where love is blind ladies and gents.

"And what about those?" She pulled up my sleeve to reveal bruises on my forearm. They were almost yellow but still noticeable.

"Yea those are from Philip." I pulled my sleeve back down; Mandi opened her mouth to prod more but I pointed my finger to Mr. Callahan our English teacher walking in.

Fridays never came fast enough but when football started up, they were hit and miss. I did not go to every game of Dean's because of watching my brothers but once the game was close to being over my parents would give me the SUV. Tonight, I had plans with an annoying midnight curfew, I promised Dean I would pick him up after the game. We would go to our usual spot, which was only the baseball field, but I had pizza and pop for us. Usually Dean would like to decompress after games, sometimes it would not be hard for him.

After a few minutes of waiting Dean sauntered out with his gear and freshly showered hair. He was scowling when he locked eyes with me. Oh joy! He was in a mood, tonight could go anyway. Either he was pissed about the game or just pissed in general. My guess was the game because when school let out, he was fine.

"Hey hon!" I practically skipped to him and was peppy. Seriously what the fuck is wrong with me? I am never peppy. I kissed his cheek and intertwined my fingers through his. "I'd hate to ask but how was the game?"

He did not speak until I was shifting and leaving the parking lot. "Fucking suck because I got pulled for something stupid." He did not elaborate more but I knew better to meddle. Once we got to the baseball field we moved in silence. I lowered the seats in the back so we could sprawl out, Dean was almost 6 foot and I was under him by a few inches, so it was the only way to lay comfortable in the SUV. Once we were eating, I decided to ignore the atmosphere. He was tense and clearly a million miles away.

"Is everything okay?" I whispered almost afraid to upset him. "You want to talk?" Before I could even register what was happening Dean's lips were smashed to mine. It was demanding and dare I say angry. He smelled like Old Spice, I could taste the pizza, pop and…Vodka? I pulled away from him trying to gather my thoughts. "Dean have you been drinking?"

Dean let out an angry growl while he grabbed my face, squeezing as his next words came out. "Millie, seriously. Shut the fuck up and do what I say." His demanding kisses began again as they became angrier. His hands grabbed at my arms and he placed me on his lap. His erection was begging to strain his pants, before I knew it, he was tearing off my clothes and removing his cock from his pants. He moved me back onto his lap gripping my arms tighter than before.

I pulled away the best I could, my mind working only at half capacity. "Dean did you bring condoms?" My breath was shaky and did not sound half as sexy as it normally would of.

The next words out of his mouth hit some sort of metaphorical switch and I cannot say it was good. Dean caressed my body and lingered over the various bruises from him and Philip. "Millie, you deserve every single one of these and you deserve this." His moves were swift and did not register with me what was going on until it was too late. There was no pleasure with, no love, no happiness. Just nothing. I know it was an out of body experience because I did not see what was going on. The next thing I knew was we were dressed, and I was dropping him off at home.

"I'll see you later." I whisper to him, but my head was screaming at me. 'What is wrong with you! He hurt you! You need help!'

There was no response from him as he left the vehicle. I do not remember much of the weekend; I know I went shopping with Mandi that next day. She knew something was off but did not pester. She only kept small talk and I was grateful for that because it was the only thing keeping me together.

"Millie, I know something happened. If you want to talk, we can. Chill at my place, watch Disney movies and eat junk food." Mandi looked concerned for me but did not push more.

"Thanks Mandi but nothing happened, I'll see you Monday."

Sunday Afternoon I got a text from Dean.

Dean: We need to talk Monday

Well fuck me running.