1 Contemplation at Death's Door

I'm hungry.

I've been getting by with scraps and leftovers from the garbage for the past few months now but the recent poor weather has been particularly harsh on me. The constant rain and snow seem to signal my end as of late.

How long has it been since I last ate?

A week or two has passed by now, I'm sure of that at least. It's been especially rough this time for some reason but the hunger hasn't given me any leeway for me to think properly. I'll eat anything at this point. Well, that's a lie but it isn't far off from the truth. I know I haven't lived particularly well, or at all for that matter, but lady luck, please smile upon this lost child just one last time. I could really go for some burgers but bread crumbs will do just fine anyways.

...

Nothing? Thought so. As if anyone would bother to help out a lowlife like me. I've already used up a couple of lifetimes of luck just to get this far only to end in utter ruin. Born as the eldest heir to the world's largest multinational company, it isn't an understatement to say that I had the world beckoning at my feet during my heydays. I had the full package in terms of nearly every aspect and with the immense power bestowed upon me, namely wealth, in unsurpassable amounts.

I could have anything, anywhere, whenever I wanted. With such possibilities, it's only natural I used them as I willed at whatever occasion that came to me. Becoming spoiled in such an environment where I was lacking nothing was only a matter of time. I wasn't slacking off either, kinda. I was always at the top of the national rankings on every major test I took during my years at school. I was always on top of my game in respect to trending fashion, and technology.

Oh, how I miss those days. Looking back at it though, I think I complained a bunch of times to the teachers as soon as I saw that my name wasn't in the top 100. Hopefully, that wasn't the case for every single occasion, or else I can't call myself a genius anymore, well I mean I still can since looking at it from a certain angle.

You can say it takes a real genius to end up as screwed as I am.

Anyway, it's pretty interesting how money can buy you pretty much anything in the world. I wonder who invented such a convenient means of transaction and what was going on in their head when they thought of it. Was there a specific reason why it had to be money and not something else entirely? Was there a specific person they had in mind when they thought of it? Reason and people are the most unsuitable pair of concepts I have ever encountered. Scratch that. 2nd most. I say all this but in truth, I care, at all even. The answers to my questions and my beliefs aren't going to save me now that I'm like this.

They didn't then and they sure as hell won't now, not that I was hoping for otherwise or it really wouldn't be fair.

...It's cold.

I've been trying to ignore it for the past few hours now but it's really cold. Like frighteningly so. Is it because it's winter? And that there's a snowstorm? And that I'm in the middle of all that wearing some cheap, ragged clothes I stole from some dead old guy? That's probably the case or rather that is definitely the reason why I'm practically half dead already. My lips are dried, my hands won't stop shivering and my breathing has become considerably slow and shallow. I can barely keep my eyes open and all feeling in my legs are nonexistent. To add on, I'm feeling a tad dizzy and kinda sleepy.

Thinking back on it though, these symptoms have been going on for a while now. I wouldn't be surprised if I caught some sort of illness eating all those leftovers by the dumpsters.

I'm tired as well. But when have I never been tired?

I was stripped of everything and left with not a dime to my name at all. I'm not saying I didn't deserve it, because I did, but to think my parents would cast me aside like it was nothing. It makes me wonder why they didn't do so earlier if it was that easy. I've caused no shortage of trouble for the two of them but they've covered for me on almost every occasion possible. That invulnerability was something I indulged in greatly, too much so evidently.

At some point in time, while wandering, I realized something. Or rather, I knew the truth the whole time but tricked myself into believing otherwise.

By the time I learned to speak my first words and take my first steps, lessons were forced upon me at every angle. Piano, violin, chess, arithmetics, foreign languages, politics, business, and the list goes on. With access to top tutors around the world and any materials necessary, if I was unable to pick up on a few things here and there, I would truly be a fool.

While I wouldn't consider myself to be an avid reader or exceptionally gifted, I like to believe that I tried my very best in proving myself with the amount of dedication I put into my lessons. It was all for the sake of earning approval from my parents who were always too busy to spend time with their children. Even then, they only accepted the best results, and afraid of alternatives, I forced myself to meet those expectations.

When those simple wishes of mine never came to fruition, my desire for recognition grew to the point that I would be satisfied with simple compliments, no matter how sarcastic or insincere they were, from others.

I knew those around me were always sucking up to me but I didn't care. They appeased me more so than my own birth parents ever would so I gladly took them under arms. I held tightly onto those fake and flimsy bonds in fear that letting go would mean losing what little friendships I had. That fear only continued to eat away at me from the inside out until I began to become nothing short of a robot acting solely on the command of others. I didn't realize it then but despite the authority I held, I was quite the pushover.

This continued for a while, more so than it should have as I grew older. With the amount of resources available to me, you'd think I would know better than to act the way I did. The truth of the matter is that no one cared enough about me to help guide me down the right path of their own free will. Unless I sought them out myself, they would never seek me first unless payments were due.

I had yet to face any true setbacks that weren't already resolved for me. Experience in all sorts of matters was something I lacked in great bulks. I was always at the center of attention and compliments. These factors were the result of the immense luck I was born with. They were part of my greatest advantages but also my worst enemy in life.

A wise man once said that people learn best from their mistakes rather than success. This is because people won't do what didn't work the first time on their next attempt so if your actions aren't the same as before, then the odds of it leading to success going forward are greater. Even if that is the case and different mistakes are made, the same manner of approach will eventually increase the odds of a guarantee.

Using this, what happens if someone who constantly makes all sorts of mistakes is never told he made a mistake? Naturally, he'd believe the opposite is true and continue doing so. But that only entails further errors and when they add onto each other, it reaches a point where the effects are so pronounced that no positives can be derived.

I'm a prime example and even then, it took me weeks to see any change. With blood on my hands, no matter what way I spin it, the fault lies in me. That much, I can't deny. Had I not cut off my connection with her, perhaps things would've turned out differently. The same can be said for a lot of my actions which leaves a bitter taste of regret every time I think about it as I lay in this pool of blood.

Wait. Blood?...

Whose blood is this? Why am I laying here?

Why am I accepting this cruel turn of fate? Why won't I fight back?

Why did they abandon me?

...It hurts.

"You seem lost, child." A regal yet soft and soothing voice broke me from my stupor. Despite my failing bodily functions, the unknown voice managed to reach me undisturbed. Strangely enough, it seemed to resound directly into my mind. Although I wouldn't know how that feels exactly, the voice that spoke to me felt somewhat peculiar.

"...W-who?" I managed a feeble voice in response as I attempted to open my eyes. Resistance was aplenty and just when I was beginning to give up, it was as though the weight of my body had lightened significantly like the layer of pressure encasing me in that position had been removed. Although the movement was still limited, I could at least open my eyes now as the pain subsided greatly.

Before me was a seemingly ordinary young woman in a light brown winter coat with short black hair. Although I can't say much about my eye for character, the lady before me was ordinary from every angle, almost perfectly so. It made me second guess whether the voice I had just heard was simply a delusion from my desire to hear another voice amidst my rambling.

"That isn't the case. Am I not right before your eyes?" As if to answer my doubts, that same powerful voice spoke again. Now I'm sure I'm not being delusional, at least, not anymore now that I'm clear-headed. Although I have yet to learn of this lady's identity, I now have a conversation partner. It's been rough talking to myself while I waited for my end to come about. In any case, did she just read my mind? Were my expressions that easy to read?

"Do you have any regrets?" A question that dumbfounded me. It was the core basis of my inner monologue just now, my contemplation simply because being at death's door left me no other choice but to think about my life up until now. For some reason, though, I felt compelled to answer truthfully.

"Many. So much so that I can't begin to count." I managed to sit myself up straight but lay seated as I stared up into the clouds. The rain had let up by now but the snow continued to block my vision. Ever since I got involved with that bastard, my life has changed for the worse. What little I had accomplished and could've done done, ruined. The fortune bestowed upon me was cast aside due to my own inexperience, arrogance, and foolishness. How desperately I wanted to fix that was why I sought a change of heart. By then, it was evidently too late for any redemptions. Regret has become synonymous with me.

With a slight grin, a response was due after a short pause.

"Well, I'm here to resolve those regrets. Allow me to formally introduce myself. As the ruling deity of the planet Elara, yours truly, Phaidra makes her presence known. Rejoice!"