Entry 8: Christmas Break

December 24, 2015

It's been a couple of days since our Christmas break started, nothing much happened, however, I'm in disbelief, I thought that our friendship's back again, you know with all that making fun of each other and goofing around; it turns out that was just at that moment. We have a little encounter at our Christmas Party, he just jokingly slapped my forehead and greeted me a Merry Christmas, of course, I didn't go on without a fight I tried to slap his forehead back but he was too quick to hold my hands to prevent me from doing it. In the end, I still could slap him back but other than that his focus was on Jastine.

That brought me back to reality but I still can't believe that one moment he's with me; goofing around then. The next moment he's acting all sweet around Jastine. Thinking back to our Christmas party, I'm wishing that Dash was the one who picked my name for the exchange gift—I don't know, I guess, I wanted to receive something from him. At least I got something to remember him by.

Oh! I remembered something too, last time—this is so stupid, I wanted to facepalm myself so bad. I didn't know how did I even manage to pull this off, but I tried pretending I message him wrongly. I mean, I intentionally wrong sent a message—whatever! You get the point, right? I did it so we could start a conversation; I know how petty I am! I don't know what has gotten into me to do that probably because I missed him?

There was also that time wherein it took him so much time to respond to my messages, which I'm not used to because he used to reply to me instantly and I got really sad waiting for his response. I could still remember talking to my sweet pet dog, Cody, who I'm very thankful for because he didn't leave my side and comforted me while I desperately wait for his messages. All thanks to my best dog ever, Cody's cuteness, I was able to forget about him and just went on with my routine during that time.

In actuality, he confuses the heck out of me; one moment he's all sweet around you, then the next morning you'll feel you're invisible around him and I don't like that feeling, so I promised myself that I won't think of him, especially now.

Today is my father's birthday, and we went to my grandparents' house, this is pretty much how we always celebrate his birthday, however, this year was different, an unexpected incident occurred, everything's fun with all the exciting games and exchange gifts but then my cousin suddenly acted out, I would not go much into the details because it was too traumatic for me to even remember. Let's just leave it at that.

What happened frazzled me, so without thinking I sent him a message seeking some comfort. And I just realized now—it was the biggest mistake that I did. I guess I expected so much from him. It took him a while before he responded, and his messages were so cold it could freeze me to death. But then, writing about it right now, made me realized how insensitive I was not thinking that I'm probably disturbing their celebration—I mean if there's any, so I disregarded any negative thought I could think of him and go on with the day with my cousins.

December 25, 2015

Merry Christmas!

I didn't enjoy this day much because I could still remember what happened last night then I received a heartbreaking message from Dash too, so I don't have much energy to celebrate today.

We went home early in the morning so that we could celebrate Christmas here at home, everything seemed to be normal, eating and bonding with my parents and of course with my pet Cody until this afternoon I received a message from Dash saying: "Hey, If you want to talk about it you can send message to my friend, she would know what to say to you because I honestly don't know what to say about that hahaha…"

That message broke my heart, for too many reasons. I mean, is he that numb? Do I really have to tell him directly that it was him who I wanted to talk to? Did that not occur to him—that maybe I just wanted to talk to him; it may not be about that issue but maybe with something else just to comfort me?

I mean don't get me wrong I appreciate his honesty but why would he ask me to go talk to another person—to a complete stranger!—about my issue when it was him who I wanted to talk to? Like, I could just go talk to my friends about this, yet I chose him? Didn't that occur to him?! It just frustrates me. You don't know how frustrated I was that I ended up crying because of the pain and frustration combined I felt.

But you know what's more frustrating? I freaking talked to that person he suggested and blatantly opened up. What an idiot, right?! What's worse is that the person is a girl! A GIRL! Who knows, maybe that girl could be Dash's new fling, and here I am bonding with his freaking fling!

I should've not messaged him in the first place. What was I even thinking? Now, look at me, making myself fool out of my stupidity. You can't blame me though, Dash's used to be great at advice. He would always say to me that, "When you need someone to talk to, I'm here for you, okay?" That was his constant reminder to me and now that I badly needed him he would suggest to me to his friend what was that?

I don't understand him sometimes, and it irritates the hell out of me. Yet, I'm still here, desperately waiting for his messages, thinking that he'll change his mind.

I don't know how to explain this; but you know Dash has this specific effect on me like I give him all the trust I could give to the person and I'm extremely comfortable around him like I could tell him everything about me, without him judging me, I mean yeah, he would sometimes poke fun of me but after that he'll listen and forget his foolishness and actually listens to whatever I would say but now, I don't think he's the same anymore.

He's no longer the Dash Newitt I knew, and that torments me every day…