August 20, 2019

I spun around in the black desk chair watching as the white walls mixed with the blur of my Colton Dixon poster and the purple of my roommates tapestry. I stopped myself staring back down at the bright pink diary laying flat on the dark wood of the desk. My mother had gotten it for me as a going away gift to "reflect on my choices while away at college" but I don't think we have the same idea of what good and bad decisions are anymore. I opened the cover revealing the thin gray lines running down the first page and grabbed a pen from the cup on the left hand side of the desk.

Dear Diary,

I don't even know where to start considering that this will be my first time "reflecting" on what my mother would call "sinful mistakes". I don't know what the opinion of a girly ass pink diary would be on the topic but prepare yourself for the story of a lifetime. I don't want to leave out the back story and I've gotta start somewhere right, so why not at the beginning?

Growing up in a super conservative Catholic family had never left much room for anything I was ever interested in. It all started when I was in kindergarten and I had tried to convince my mom to let me finally go trick or treating. She had called it "the devil's holiday" and dismissed the idea completely. At first, I was bummed out watching all of the other kids dress up and get a bunch of free candy from strangers but after a while, it just seemed normal to me.

In the first grade, I had begged for weeks to go to my friend Emily's birthday party. My mom had said her parents were too "liberal" and that birthday parties were for "spoiled brats who thought they were more important than God". Being only seven I had continued to bug her about it but that only resulted in getting transferred to a catholic school with "god loving people".

At the beginning of second grade, I finally made a friend at my new school and her name was Julia Potters. Her parents were catholic, attended our church, and my mom even approved. We were as close as two seven-year-olds could be back then and spent every second we could together. Being young and dumb I had thought that caring about her as much as did meant that I should try to kiss her. I mean at the time it made sense to me, my parents loved each other and they always kissed.

We were tucked away at the top of the swirly slide of the playground when I made my move. It was innocent really, only a peck at most, but Julia's parents didn't seem to agree. They took her out of school and moved to who knows where within a month. I was left behind to deal with the aftermath of my mistake. My mom was furious when she got the call and I never heard the end of it.

My parents were strict before but after that incident, it seemed to only get worse. The rest of elementary school pretty much consisted of going to school, attending youth group, eating dinner, doing my homework, and then going to bed to do it all over again. The weekends weren't much better considering that we attended church every Saturday and Sunday religiously. On top of everything else, any time left over was already set aside for piano and tutoring.

We moved from Medina Texas to Elmira New York during the summer before I started seventh grade where my dad had gotten a new job working in the church. They had found me a brand new Catholic school to attend by the name of Notre Dame and were rather optimistic about giving me a new start. I took full advantage of being new and finally escaping my previous school. I did everything a normal teenager would do in my shoes. I made friends, joined some clubs, and found myself starting to actually enjoy my life.

I met my best friend Callum in seventh-grade chorus when he still had a baby face filled with freckles. My mom was skeptical at first but came around to the idea after meeting his parents. Now it's hard to beat my dear old mom and dad in a competition for most conservative but his came very close. We all attended the same church, went out for dinner on Fridays, and even spent some holidays together.

In eighth grade, we met Brody while on a field trip to the Buffalo Zoo. He was even shorter than me back then and had started up a conversation with us about Pokémon. Few things were more important to us back then so naturally, we all clicked instantly.

The three of us were inseparable from then on and I was so happy to finally have some good friends. My mom however wasn't a fan of Brody due to his lack of a filter and unique sense of humor. For once I chose to ignore her constant pestering about him and I think that's where my rebellious side started to blossom. Brody was a carefree spirit and got me out of my comfort zone more than anyone ever had back then.

In ninth grade, I found out not only Brody but also Callum had crushes on me. It was, for a lack of better words, the most confusing time of my young life. The two of them constantly bickered and fought for my attention. What's funny is that I wasn't confused about which one I wanted to be with, I was confused why I didn't want to be with either of them. I had tried to feel something, anything, for either one of them to no avail. Eventually, they settled the whole debacle with a fistfight that left Callum with a bloody nose. Brody had looked so proud but when I turned him down he realized the whole thing had been stupid to begin with.

After that everything went back to normal for the most part and I was excited to have my best friends back. Without all of the fighting and flirting we all grew closer than ever by the time tenth grade rolled around. Now, this is where the story gets interesting. I mean I'm not kidding tenth grade was a fucking trip from hell. I was walking to class one day, looking down at my chemistry notes when I ran straight into her. Julia Potters was standing over me, her golden locks tied back into a tight ponytail and her crystal eyes wide in terror.

I must've looked petrified, I mean this is literally the girl who ruined my childhood.

"Are you okay?" She asked cocking her head to the side

I stood up slowly clutching the papers tightly to my chest "Yeah I'm good."

She bit her lip, her eyes focused on me "Do I know you? You look so familiar."

"Nope." I replied shaking my head back and forth like a broken bobblehead "Well I'll see you around!"

I ducked out of that situation quicker than you can say lickity split and ran to Chemistry. My brain was going about a million miles an hour throughout the entire test and I got a fucking C! I was always a straight-A student so I'm sure you can imagine how crushing that was.

For the rest of the week, I made it a point to avoid her at all costs. My plan was working perfectly right up until church on Sunday. Luckily moving had come with an additional perk, not being forced to attend Saturday service. I had explained that highschool had way more homework and for once in my life, my mom had listened. I mean studying instead of attending church wasn't much of an upgrade but it was something.

Service went without a hitch but as we were walking back to our cars a familiar voice cut through my thoughts.

"I knew you looked familiar." Julia stated smiling over at me

I stopped dead in my tracks, most likely looking like a deer caught in the headlights of a fucking tractor-trailer.

"You okay?" She questioned raising an eyebrow

I nodded "Yeah I'm good."

She rolled her eyes "Come on I know you can say more than that."

Everything I was thinking wouldn't have gone over too well considering the fact that I couldn't stop checking her out. She had chosen a yellow sundress that contrasted nicely against her tan skin and a matching bow was pinned in her hair.

"I'm not really sure what to say honestly." I mumbled out, looking down at the blacktop

She let out a sigh "Look if you're worried about what happened when we were kids, don't be. We were what five? It was a long time ago."

"For you maybe," I started off, looking up to see her eyes going wide "but for me, it only ended a couple years ago."

"What's that supposed to mean?" She questioned, her nose crinkled slightly

I shook my head "It doesn't matter, I've gotta go."

Needless to say, not my best moment. She was just trying to be nice and make amends right? Yeah, sure, that's what it might've seemed like but how could I honestly believe this wasn't some sort of game? She knew more about my biggest secret than me at the time.

On Monday she found me sitting in the hall before class, studying through some notes. She awkwardly stood in front of me until I looked up and set the papers on my lap.

"Yes, Julia?" I questioned

She bit her lip before speaking in a shaky voice "I just want you to know I'm not gonna tell anyone what happened. Like I said we were young and it was a long time ago."

"Good to know, thanks." I nodded before turning my attention back to my notes

"What did you mean yesterday?" She asked causing me to lock eyes with her

I gulped and shook my head looking back down "Mean by what?"

"That it only ended for you a couple years ago?" She asked, shifting her weight nervously from side to side

I closed my eyes, growing irritated "Nothing Julia, just please leave me alone."

"But I want to know." She stated

I sighed looking up at her "Well, my parents found out, the whole school found out, pretty much every single person at church found out what happened. My mom had me on lockdown and no one in school would so much as talk to me. Things didn't really get better until we moved here a couple years ago."

"I'm so sorry Teagan." She said fiddling with her hands and avoiding my gaze "I just, I was so young I didn't know what else to do. I really didn't know it would become such a mess for either of us."

I nodded "Yeah me either."

"Well, I think that we should put all of that in the past and be friends." She smiled down at me

I gave her a skeptical look "I don't know about that."

"Awe Cmon, please! I just moved here and you're literally the only person I know." She begged giving me puppy dog eyes

I rolled my eyes standing up and slinging my bag over my shoulder "Fine, we can be friends I guess."

After that Julia started hanging with us every day at school and on Sundays after church. It was an unlikely friendship considering everything but I loved spending time with her. Our parents were equally as skeptical at first but eventually let it go after a couple months. After insistently begging I convinced my mom to let us have sleepovers on the weekends and we grew pretty close. One night when we were watching a movie in the basement, I felt her slide closer to me on the couch.

"You cold or something?" I asked readjusting the blanket to cover her

She shook her head "No I'm okay."

"Why are you getting so cuddly then?" I laughed looking over at her

She bit her lip, her eyes flashing down for only a second before meeting mine again "Teagan I need to ask you something."

"Y-yeah?" I questioned, feeling my heartbeat pick up

She shook her head, a blush creeping onto her cheeks "Why did you kiss me when we were kids?"

"Well, um, I thought that was what you were supposed to do when you cared about someone. I mean I always saw my parents kissing and stuff so I don't know it just made sense at the time." I explained nervously before meeting her crystal eyes "Why do you ask?"

"Because I really want to kiss you right now." She stated, her voice wavering slightly

My eyes went wide and I felt my palms beginning to sweat "Then do it."

I didn't even recognize my own voice in the moment but before I could fully process what I had said her lips were on mine. It was a short, sweet kiss that sent an unfamiliar warmth throughout me. In an instant every confusing moment of my young love life made complete sense, I Teagan Miller was undeniably gay. Yes a full blown lesbian, you know the type that likes girls and often does something stupid like kiss their childhood bestfriend.

After that night everything changed between us as cliche or dumb as that may sound. At school we were the best of friends and on the weekends we were secret lovers. I mean the most innocent version of lovers you can imagine but you get the point. After a couple months of making out in secret and sneaking cute notes into her locker between classes I made the dumbest decision of my life.

"You okay?" Julia asked looking up at me from the edge of my bed

I nodded looking down at the tan hardwood floor littered with dirty clothes "Julia I've been meaning to ask you something."

"What is it?" She questioned moving her legs into a criss cross position on the navy blue comforter

I looked up meeting her concerned gaze and exhaled a shaky breathe "Will you be my girlfriend?"

Her eyes went wide and she quickly stood up, hitting my shoulder as she ran to the door. Her hand rested on the silver knob for a second before she turned back to me "Look I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea but we can't do this anymore. I'm just gonna tell my parents I'm not feeling well and go home."

"Wait Julia I'm sorry we don't have to put a label on it." I pleaded reaching for her arm

She pulled it tightly to her side and glared up at me "I'm not gay Teagan, I really don't know what got into me. I'm sorry but I really just need to go home right now."

She slipped out of my room without another word. To say I was devastated would be an understatement but nothing compared to the pain of seeing her on Monday. She was so cold and closed off from me and things between us were never the same. I spent the rest of Highschool trying to ignore that part of myself and forget the whole thing with Julia but I couldn't. I turned into a shell of a person, going through the motions of each day without a care in the world.

Now I know that's a really shitty ending to my first entry but I can't change what happened. College is my second chance at a new start and I don't plan to fuck it up this time. I'm hours away from my parents, the church, and everything that ever stood in my way of being myself. This is my year, the year of the closeted lesbian who got locked back inside every time she peeked her head out. I'm putting on my beanie, a red flannel from the hanger, and some ripped to hell skinny jeans from the pile and I'm busting this fucking door down.

Love,

Teagan The Closeted Lesbian