~ Ellis ~

Hi. I'm Ellis. I may look like a girl but I'm not. I'm non-binary. I entered 9th grade this year. People ask me all the time if it's hard or if I'm having the time of my life. I've always had an easy time with school, so it certainly wasn't hard despite the now highschool level classes, and even though I enjoyed school and loved going, I was definitely not having the time of my life. Since I'm so good at school and my grades are stunning for the average person, I've always been told that I would be successful in my life. No one told me what successful meant, they just told me to go into a STEM field where I would excel. So, that was my goal. I would succeed.

I was an odd person by society's standards. Society said I had to be a girl and be pretty and have crushes and act ladylike. I did none of those things. I was not a girl. I had never felt like a girl although I didn't feel like a boy either. Maybe that was weak of me to give into society's wants and not push the bounds of gender and rather change myself instead.

I was certainly not pretty, and I didn't mean by everyone else's standards. I meant by my own. I always got compliments for my light brown skin and my long curly hair, but to me, they were ugly because they were on me. I found myself objectionable in weird ways. There was nothing wrong with me. And I found that un-beautiful. I was not different from anyone else. I looked like so many people, I was mistaken daily for someone else.

I had no crushes. If I did, I had not identified them as such. I could still remember 2nd grade, being asked who was the most handsome boy and who I wanted to marry, but I never had an answer. No, I had never liked a boy. They were people around me, and they were cool and all, but I found nothing inherently attractive about them. The closest I had ever felt to a crush was surely a friendship.

Harri Ford. Harri Ford was a girl I have talked to on and off since 7th grade. Harri was smart like me. She wasn't daft and slow like our classmates and she never made me feel weird. I never really considered her a friend. She had her own circle of friends to hang out with and I wasn't going to disrupt that. Harri was beautiful. She had very fair skin that would burn in five minutes of sun and these stunning, pale green eyes that shined like diamonds in the light. Her lips were very thin but expressive, and her nose was slightly crooked from when she broke it a couple of years ago. I knew she was beautiful and I loved talking to her, but she was just another classmate, I was sure.

"Weirdo," Charlie Dick whispered as he passed by my desk. He knew I could hear him, and it didn't bother me in the slightest. I was going somewhere in life, and he wasn't. So, his opinion didn't matter, right?

I grabbed my pen with the fluorescent yellow ink and drew on my hands. I still had marks from two days ago, so I incorporated them into the sunflower design I was drawing. I could draw quite well, but it didn't matter because drawing wasn't going to get me anywhere in life. It was a mindless waste of time. People who drew were rarely successful, so I never pursued the talent I had. It was something I did in moments of boredom, which occurred quite often, like now where I had finished the algebra classwork before everyone else.

"And, Ellie is the first one done! You guys should be more diligent like her!" Ms. Lydes yelled loudly as she saw the paper sitting on my desk. I cringed, not only because she was too loud, but also because this woman took away my identity with her misgendering. It was the only thing about me that I got choose. It was the only thing that I could truly be me in. I didn't do anything about it though. I was never insistent about these kinds of things because it was me being weird.

Everyone groaned as she continued to compare them to me. She finally left my desk-side and moved on to Harri's desk.

"Harri too! She's the second one done! Why are you guys so slow?" she continued to reprimand everyone as they all rolled their eyes and tried to ignore her. Harri looked both embarrassed and annoyed that Lydes kept going on and on about her.

Charlie Dick had his head on his desk, undoubtedly with his unfinished work under his head.

"Charlie. Dick. If I have to tell you one more time to get your head off your desk, I'm tanking your grade and calling home," Lydes screamed from across the room. Harri covered her ears and bent her head down.

"Ms. Lydes, with all due respect, could you please not scream? I get it if you would like to inform him that he will soon be punished, but I see no need to make it a public ordeal," Harri said, loudly enough that we heard her, but only faintly. Ms. Lydes face softened and she smiled.

"Yes, of course Harri. I'm sorry, he just makes me mad."

"Yeah, because that's a good excuse," I whispered under my breath. Ms. Lydes looked at me, her head whipping around faster than a porsche could switch gears.

"Did you say something Ellie? I couldn't hear you," she cocked her head like a curious owl and in that moment she reminded me of a robot in a dystopian movie. I simply shook my head and the attention was removed from me.

Lydes was a bully. I hate people because they always failed my standards. I had three simple tests to pass as a functional, good human. 1. Common Sense. That was something that mattered to me, but it wasn't a deal-breaker. 2. Loyalty. This was something very important to me that determined the fate of our relationship. If you weren't loyal, there's a good chance I wouldn't attach to you. 3. Kindness. If you weren't kind to absolutely everyone, there's no way I would ever associate with you. Lydes failed all three tests and I could not wait to not be in her class anymore. I disliked her deeply as a person. Unfortunately, I was under the affliction of kindness and despite hating her, I was not rude to her. Not intentionally. I called her bitchy in my head and sometimes aloud, but rarely and only with certain people.

Rose Relts was the only person I ever told anything. She was the only person who knew my internal thoughts, albeit only some considering her christian, perfect girl disposition. She may have been like everyone else, but there was something beautiful about the way she thought. She may have had the same ideals, but she expressed them differently and was mostly open-minded. I unfortunately didn't have any classes with her this year, but I suppose it was good to not rely on one person.

The bell rung it's overly exuberant and obnoxious cling, and Lydes felt the need to scream at everyone except Harri and I for not finishing the worksheet. I packed up all my things, putting the pen in my pocket, knowing I would pull it out again shortly. I was about to leave the class when Harri pulled up beside me.

"I thought your comment earlier was hilarious. I don't know if you could tell, but I had to stop myself from laughing," Harri smiled her crooked smile. My heart skipped around a bit and I was very confused.

"You mean you actually heard me?" I thought I had said it too quietly for anyone to hear, let alone Harri who resided on the other side of the class. My cheeks warmed. Here Harri was again, making me feel normal.

"Oh, definitely. You're the only person who has something worth hearing in that class. Why wouldn't I listen?" She walked backwards in the halls, and it worried me that someone would run into her. I grabbed her hand and spun her to my side without thinking. She simply looked at me and then at our hands, at which point I had finally thought about what I'd just done. My cheeks heated up again and I dropped her hand. I clasped my hands together behind my back as not to do that again.

"I don't know, I don't think I'm overly interesting," I replied awkwardly.

"I don't listen because it's interesting, despite it usually being interesting, I listen because it's intelligent and you always teach me something new," she smiled again. I smiled back, the words repeating in my head. She likes hearing me talk.