The truth doesn't free but lies could strangle

Sabre had little to say about the whole situation yesterday and neither did he complain about my absence, I suppose I would have still lied either way about what I did or perhaps he knows enough to know that the whole commotion has been aggravated by me and the whole disaster is because of my meddling.

I doubt it, he is a bunch of muscles for brains after all. Now let's see what else I can do. Maybe I'll go and comfort Crystal for now as she is the last hope... no it's still very unlikely for her to hold her own against Lacquer who managed to not only survive that giant explosion but to save a whole village too. From what Lacquer tells me, he is the only one who can defeat Rexcarius, would the reverse also work as well? I do not have any other options but to believe so and I will have to make Rexcarius work a bit, I have already dealt with a large portion of his army after all and with the on duty guards and the remaining 100 men I have who are hopefully seasoned fighters, they should be able to fend off the rebels with no the threat of a third party joining any longer.

Now then my cards are set and all that is left is for me to position them to get the tactical advantage, but that can wait. For now I have to make sure that my progress with Crystal does not go to waste and I might even search for a way to revive Alfron if I have the time.

I take a stroll in the longer route to regain some energy and as well as rest my mind, it i s nearly at the end of its wits and I wonder if I could still think well when I approach Crystal but as luck would have it, I do not really need to think all that much, I'll first predetermine my responses and avoid at all cost red flags like my main motive in comforting her, what I did yesterday, and who is to blame for what has happened which to some extent is me.

I knock on her door and it is locked, I wait for a while but there is no response but she was obviously there because there was a food tray from breakfast that had been left untouched and it seemed that no one was able to enter since yesterday basing from the notes left underneath her door. I put my ear close to her door worrying that she might have harmed herself but I was too far to know but thankfully she is still alive as I hear quiet sobs. Now I could try to act like a hero here and break down her door and say I was worried but that has too many unforeseeable outcomes and worst case scenario is she starts to see me badly and I get punished for pushing her out when she wasn't ready, second cliché option is to climb her window which would have better chances of her letting me in but I could end up looking like a creep who climbs on girl's windows...even if I do any of the two, that would be too out of character for me and even if I pull it off perfectly, I could seem fake because of it.

Damn it I do not have the patience for any of this. I'm just going to ask her to let me in, its the safest option and one with the most manageable worst scenario. I knock on her door once more and again there is no response.

"Hey Crystal would you let me in? You need to talk about it so I could help you heal"

Still there was no answer. I'm to tired for this and honestly I'm also forgetting why I even came here in the first place. Maybe I'll just have Shadow and Blade fight Lacquer or maybe I'll have the 50 amateurs, Zyderine, and Sabre, no I'll have everyone fight Lacquer, theoretically there is no way he wont get exhausted right? Yeah I'll give up... I did give up.... but why can't I move? Don't tell me that its this baracelet again?

I knock once more and I lay my head on the door but now I do not feel even the slightest of indication that I am in control.. Well maybe this is my body giving up from exhaustion, I suppose I will be fainting any time soon huh? Not a bad way to get Crystal's attention I suppose but definitely not the best.

"Crystal, please let me in... the truth is I'm the one who needs you" I say that without my own consent and damn I am really embarrassed... please shut up me....

"Its all my fault... I blame myself for Alfron's demise, I should have not done have done what I did and it wasn't really for your sake either... deep inside I don't believe that I am worthy for respect, I don't think I'm worthy for love and yet I continue to yearn for it. I do many things to get affection and I have done many bad things for the most selfish of reasons, I was even did bad things to my very own students...I just can bear this guilt any longer" Shit Shit Shit! What the hell am I saying! I hit every fucking red flag! Do not go further! Fuck this must be what the brain feels like when some horny teenagers wouldn't listen to logic.

I was goin to keep on talking damn it, I opened my mouth and shaped it into one word 'murderer' I was going to confess to my sins to one of the few people that should never know and no matter how hard I tried to stop, I felt like I had lost control. It wasn't the bracelet controlling me, and neither was it my logic. Has the guilt become far too heavy for me to carry? Am I breaking down and going crazy? Shit everything is going to complete shit!

I was going to confess my sins to her but by good fortune Crystal opened the door before I could. A second later and I would have become fucking religious, thank heavens. Crystal looked completely different than how she usually was, her hair messed up, shirt all disheveled, her eyes puffy from all her crying, she looked much more haggard and yet in my eyes it was the most beautiful that I have seen her.

"That must not have been easy to say" She tried to force a smile, leaning on the door as if she had no strength. I was still petrified at that time with all sorts of thoughts rushing in my mind. My body froze but that in turn put me back in control and I couldn't let everything I've done go to waste.

"Mind if I come in?" I hadn't noticed this before but my body had changed as well, my feet was jelly, hands sweaty, and a tears from my eyes continued to flow. I would have fixed myself but this was hardly the time to and Crystal didn't seem to mind neither.

She invited me inside and we sat on her bed. This is the first time I have been in a woman's room in this lifetime I came to realize and the difference between hers and mine couldn't be more obvious. Although she hadn't had the time to tidy up and her maids surely couldn't enter since yesterday but it was still clean, the room smelled of fresh eucalyptus and dresses ornamented the otherwise plain room.

Crystal laid on my lap and she continued to weep. It seems she had been needing company herself and it maybe for different reasons but we both needed a shoulder to cry on. While Crystal spoke I could feel my own troubles even just a second feel lighter and I found the strength to lay my troubles myself. My mind was at ease even as I tell her what I had done and Crystal remained in my lap listening, I couldn't see her face but as of now I didn't mind.

"You were really strong Spade, being able to move on so quickly while here I am still weeping over a brother who hadn't cared even in the least for me all our days growing up"

"I am your father's slave, I wanted to run away that day you know, I couldn't bear the guilt of capturing other people and killing them, they were our enemies true but they were also people, fathers, they also had families eagerly waiting for their return and yet there I was choosing to hold my own life more valuable than theirs's and killing them for their own loyalty, it hurt me that they had done nothing wrong. The final nail in the coffin was causing Alfron's death...it was just the previous day when I had made him face the truth about needing to put an end to Lacquer and then yesterday without even checking on his condition, made him enter the battlefield. Alfron was unstable and I should have known that after seeing what he did to the other hostage but instead of helping him, I scolded him for forcing me to kill the man...I had one last chance to save him when his magic was going out of control, but I also couldn't control my magic and instead of showing him my memories that might help him calm down, I showed everyone else his memories instead...I have failed Alfron"

"So what we saw was his memories?"

"Yes... what did you see?"

"I saw myself, as a little girl, I couldn't even remember this. I was playing around the garden and the person I was looking through saved me from a snake but got bitten by it instead of me.... My brother did love me after all... and I....I couldn't show him that....I did too"

"I guess we both failed huh" I say as gently caress her hair. I guess I was able to go deeper into my true feelings when I was telling it to somebody than when I kept over thinking it.

"What you said earlier... about you being a bad person....I don't think you are" She looked forward to me and touched my hand.

"But I am...after I left I did some terrible things, the dead bodies from Bronsleyt soldiers, I dismembered it and hanged it in spikes near Vengeance camps so they would fight, not only that I also attacked other Vengeance camps and murdered everyone, even women and children. I could still hear the screams of the unwitting victims, when that was all over I burned the bodies and my hands until now reek their corpses. Now tell me Crystal am I still a good person? Am I still allowed to be called that when I crushed an old man's skull because he asked me why I had no mercy? Am I still a good person despite doing acts that would otherwise be called genocide? I am a bad person Crystal and I know that you despise me after that"

Crystal remained silent the whole time, her head was in my lap so I couldn't see her face but as I finished she got up, and before I could look at her expressions she slapped me.

"That is for what you did" She was mad of course, it was better I had not told her this but you know what? I don't regret it. I thought I couldn't live with myself after what I did but even if that is true that doesn't mean I get to stop living. I am ready to take the punishment for my actions and be seen for the man I am, it took being despised by the person who treated me with the most respect to understand that.

I took the slap and smiled at her and got up her bed, she doesn't want to see me anymore after this I'm sure... but then she stopped me... she grabbed my hand and pulled me as she embraced me.

"This is for doing it for us" I don't know what about that but I just fell apart. My tears wouldn't stop and my body wouldn't stop shaking.

"You...should...hate....me"

"But I don't"

"I'm....a....bad....person"

"You're not"

"I.....I-"

"You deserved to be loved Spade"

I couldn't speak anymore, I simply touched her back and hugged back, even in my past life I had never felt like this before...what is this feeling? It's warm and heavy... I could still be a good person right? No, even if I could I don't mind. As of now I am happy and that is all that matters... my mind can finally be at peace.