33. Chapter 33

After going through details with Willa and Robert, the entire team decides to take a break for the rest of the day and energize for the days to come.

Nicole eventually finds herself on the front porch, an unopened bottle of tequila in her hand. She sits the hanging porch swing, enjoying the quiet and peace that made this land so appealing in the first place. She is so lost in her thoughts that she doesn’t notice Willa come outside and lean on the house, looking out at the land and then at Nicole.

“Thinking hard there Haught?” Willa asks, making her presence known.

Nicole smiles softly and nods, motioning for Willa to sit.

She does and they softly sway for a while in comfortable silence.

“So, a lot has happened since I last saw you guys. You got shot, almost died. Your ex showed up in town and tried to destroy your marriage. You and Waverly actually got together. My baby sister joined your team. Apparently Nonna tried to drunkenly fight you about it. Then the homestead gets shot to hell and my sister gets wounded. And now Robert and I are here.” Willa says, not taking her eyes off Nicole.

“Ha. You probably think I am a horrible influence on your family.” Nicole jokes with a self-deprecating tone.

“You couldn’t be more wrong actually. If it weren’t for Nonna working at BBD, she would probably be dead by now. You know the bounties she was taking. They were bound to catch up with her. And Waverly… Nicole I have not been a good sister to her in the past, but I know her. And I have never seen her this happy.”  Willa says firmly. “And my dad showed me the footage of your shooting. You saved Wynonna’s life and almost got yourself killed protecting her. I don’t know what you think that means, but people around here would call that being a hero.”

“I would call that being a cop.” Nicole says, trying to deflect the praise. She has never been good at accepting complements.

“Even so. There are bad cops out there Nicole. And they are bad cops because they are bad people, deep down. But you’re not. I think your actions with regards to my family speaks volumes to your character. You protect them with your life. It worries me, because I can see it in your eyes that you would do it over and over again for any of us. And that might be the way Waverly gets her heart truly broken, if she loses you. But there is also a comfort in knowing someone will always have your back.”

“Always.” Nicole confirms simply.

Willa looks down at the bottle in Nicole’s hand. “So, why the tequila? You planning on drinking some of that?”

“No, just thinking about my ex actually.” Nicole answers honestly, staring down at the bottle in her hands.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Willa asks.

Nicole nods and takes a deep breath. “When I was with Shae, she used to use stuff to hurt me. Most of the time it was words, sometimes it was sex or her fists. But alcohol was another that she was particularly fond of.” Nicole hefts the bottle a little in her hand. “We would go to house parties at her friends’ places. I would be there for hours, but the first thing I would do was grab a bottle of tequila. I would drink a whole bottle in a one to two-hour period. It made Shae and all the pain feel… insignificant. I had never been a big drinker before and wasn’t after I left Shae. But for a couple years… I should have died.” Nicole places the bottle down on the ground but doesn’t take her eyes off it. “One night, I was just done with pretending to be happy in front of Shae’s friends. I told her I wanted to go, she wasn’t ready to. She threw me the car keys and said she would find her way back when she was ready. And honestly, I was so depressed, drunk and over it… I might have tried to drive. But I wouldn’t have gone home. I would have driven off a bridge or something. I could have hurt someone. But, the universe was looking out for me that night. A cop friend of mine was at the party with his girlfriend. He was basically the person making sure the drunks didn’t drive. He breathalyzed me and then immediately drove me to the hospital himself.” Nicole looks at the bottle, remembering the shock and then fear on his face as he told her the result. “I blew a .338 that night. That’s over four times the legal limit. Most people die before .34 BAC. And with the amount I drank and how quickly… I should have collapsed and died in that shitty shoebox apartment. But I didn’t. I went to the hospital, had an IV in my arm and an oxygen mask over my face for over twenty hours. Then Shae found out and made my life hell the moment I got home. Threw a phone at my head, I fell, ended up with stitches. By the end of the week, Gus and Dolls convinced me to leave her and my life started to change.” Nicole picks the bottle up again and lets the weight of it ground her. “But even when I think about how shitty things are right now, and how scared I am… Back then was worse. A powerful gang is targeting the people I care about and I am still happier with all of this going on than I was back then… when I had very few issues to deal with in comparison.” Nicole looks over at Willa, reading her shocked features and shakes her head. “Shit, I’m sorry. I know you and your family have strained relations with alcohol. Sorry, I kinda forgot who I was talking to. Jerk move.”

Willa rests a hand on Nicole’s knee. “Don’t apologize. You didn’t make me uncomfortable. I am in a good place with it now, but your concern is sweet. I just… how are you okay? After being with someone like her for so long?”

“For a long time, I wasn’t. Especially when Shae came around looking for me a few months after the break up. But then I went to Ireland and learned how to be my own person.” Nicole laughs softly and looks at Willa. “I made a lot of mistakes, did a lot of things I wish I could forget, but all the scars and the pain… it is part of who I am. It makes me, me. The only thing I can do is learn from them.”

“And that’s the hard part, huh? Living with it and learning from it. Earning forgiveness and trust back once you’ve lost it… once you’ve thrown it away.” Willa states a little absentmindedly.

“I don’t think the hard part is earning the forgiveness of others, or their trust. I think the hard part is forgiving ourselves and learning to trust ourselves with them once again.” Nicole comments, looking at Willa. “Look Willa, it might not be my place to say this but, I think it is time you start forgiving yourself. Because Waverly loves you, everyone does. But Waverly looks at you and Wynonna like you hung the moon and all the stars. You are her big sisters and no matter how old she gets, she will always look up to you. So, if not for yourself, then for Waverly. Forgive yourself. Start to trust yourself once again. She forgave you years ago, now it’s your turn.”

Willa nods and smiles a little sadly. “And what about you? Have you forgiven yourself?” She asks softly. “The guilt on your face isn’t lost on any of us.”

Nicole smiles back and nods. “I am a constant work in progress. But I am trying. And the stuff that I have forgiven myself for… it has made me a better person by letting it go.”

Willa nods and smiles a little wider. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

Nicole nods and looks back out at the afternoon sky.

Gus and Waverly sit in the living room, looking out the front window and watching Willa and Nicole talk.

“I wish there was something I could do to change that look in her eyes.” Waverly says absentmindedly. “Sometimes I see it and it just makes my heart hurt.”

“You already have honey.” Gus says.

Waverly turns to her with a look of confusion.

“Waverly, that sad look you see in her eyes. That used to be there all the time. Up until she got out and found herself. But even then, it still showed often. And then she met you and started to get to know you. That look continues to show up less and less as time goes on.” Gus states with confidence. “I raised that girl, and although no one could ever replace her momma, she was my child in my eyes. Because of that, I know her Waverly. I have never seen her this happy. Even with all of this crud going on, she is still so much happier than I have ever seen her.”

Waverly blushes. “It can’t be just me.”

“Correct, but you are a big reason why. You, your sisters, your father, Nedley, Doc, Xavier, even me. She wants to be better for all of us. She wants the family she never had as a child.” Gus adds.

“Speaking of family, I have been meaning to talk to you about something.” Waverly starts.

Gus’ eyes go wide and she tilts her head quickly towards Waverly’s stomach.

Waverly’s eyes widen in recognition. “No, no. Neither of us are pregnant. That would be a lot of doctor’s office visits and we would have talked about it with you first.” Waverly reassures with a soft laugh. Gus visibly relaxes and waits for Waverly to continue. “Um, I actually had a question about Nicole’s father. I noticed he never showed up at the hospital when she got shot. Or shows up for anything for that matter. I was wondering why.”

Gus sighs and looks out at Nicole. “Have you ever seen a photo of Nicole’s mother Kelly?”

Waverly shakes her head no, so Gus pulls out a photo from her wallet and hands it to Waverly. The photo is of Gus, James Haught, a very young Nicole, and a woman Waverly assumes to be Nicole’s mother. The first thing she notices is how much Nicole resembles her mother. She is like a mini me. They have the same smile, same red hair, same beautiful eyes. “She’s beautiful. Nicole looks just like her.”

“She does. Acts a lot like her too.” Gus agrees. “Both of them were stubborn, witty, smart and had an incredible capacity for love.” Emotion colors Gus’ voice but she continues. “James, his marriage to Kelly was arranged. And although they never fell in love with each other, they became best friends. And because they wanted their marriage and friendship to mean more than a piece of paper, they decided to bring a child into the world with the hopes of raising someone with both of their best traits. They wanted more. That’s how Nicole happened. But then Kelly got sick and James started to fall apart. He became distant, couldn’t handle it. Once she died, all the characteristics of the man I formally knew were gone. I think his soul died with her. She was the only woman who could ever put up with him. The only person that could ever change his mind or make him see things from a different perspective. She was his everything. And every time he looked at Nicole…”

“He saw Kelly.” Waverly finishes, understanding.

“James loves his daughter Waverly. I know he does. But I think he also believes she would be better without him. That is why, in his own mind, he thought he was doing the right thing by sending her away. It was just too painful for them both. He believed he couldn’t comfort her or console her the way she needed, and he was in too much pain to see that the only thing she needed was her daddy. I think they both just got to a point where neither wanted to work on the relationship anymore. They love each other, but from a distance. It is sad, but it is how they survive. And your right, he didn’t show up at the hospital. But he tried to act disinterested as he grilled me every time I returned from there. And when he heard Shae was in town, he gave me a day off to make sure Nicole was safe and okay. Told me to take as much time as she needed me for. And that was before your sister informed him of Shae’s actions and got him involved in her permanent departure. He even had a sit down with Nedley, knowing Nicole saw him as family, as a father figure. He loves her, even though he hides it well. The scary part is that, much like her father, she is good at hiding it too. She got a lot of good things from her parents: James’ generosity, Kelly’s kindness. But that defense mechanism to build up walls to protect herself… that she learned from James.”

“Nedley regards her like a daughter.” Waverly agrees. “I guess it is just weird to see them together. They seem so different, but… they have their moments.”

Gus nods. “Indeed, they do.”

“Do you think Nicole will ever want to be a parent? It is too early for me to talk about it with her, but I am curious what you think. After all she went through, do you think she will reject the idea of having kids?” Waverly asks, looking at Nicole and Willa smiling at one another.

“She loves children. Always has. But as for having some of her own… I think she wants that. But I fear that negative emotions will get in the way.” Gus looks at Waverly and squeezes her hand. “But I also believe she will get over it. She is strong, she can deal with it.”

Waverly nods.

“Do you want children Waverly?”

“Ha, um. Well, since the pregnancy scare I had last year… I have had to really think about it. I was indifferent before, actually, I didn’t want kids when I was with Champ. But with Nicole… I definitely enjoy thinking about it. It scares the crap out of me, but it is also exciting. I think about Nicole being a mom, raising kids together and growing old together. It makes me smile.” Waverly answers honestly, twisting the rings on her finger absentmindedly.

Gus nods and looks at the rings. “You know Nicole used to wear that ring on a necklace around her neck for years. Made her feel close to her momma.”

“And she gave it to me?” Waverly asks more to herself than to Gus. “We weren’t really even together yet.”

“She saw something special in you Waverly Earp. She knew you were going to be important to her whether you ended up together or just friends.”

Waverly has tears welling in her eyes, smiling down at the rings. “I think I did too, even if I didn’t know it yet.” She whispers.