Deciding to Deploy

Decisions are one of the hardest things that you will ever make in your life. They are about choosing between where you should be and where you want to be. They are those choices that change everything. Those moments when you decide to change something that you should stick by and stay committed to. You are always one decision away from a different path and a different end.

I have three pairs of eyes staring back at me; what I choose to say now will definitely be one of those decisions.

After several moments in silence, Isabella is the first to speak. "So out with it, soldier. What did mister hot platoon boss want?"

"It seemed quite serious; what did he want, Clay?" my mom is the second to ask.

My dad sees the nervous expression all over my face, tries to ease the tension. "Give the boy a broken girl; if he wants to tell us, then he will."

"Thank you, dad. The thing is, I don't think any one of you is going to like it."

Matt and Chloe come walking into the lounge and take a seat next to my father. "So what did I miss? That Harrison is one mean-looking dude."

Chloe chuckles and adds, "If all mean-looking Marines come looking like that, then I definitely want me one."

"Hey! What am I then? Some chop liver techie guy?" Matt turns his attention away from Chloe and looks at my dad. "Dad, I think I am joining the Marines; we can't have Clay get all the attention and the girls to go with that."

"Matt, you won't last a single day out there. Those girly hands of yours can't do a real man's job."

"If these girly hands can't do a real man's job, then why do all the girls...."

I immediately stop him in his tracks before that mouth gets him into trouble. "Whoa, just stop there! I don't think that either one of us wants you to finish that sentence."

"Well," Isabella thankfully changes the subject. "Why don't you finish that sentence of yours and tell us what it is that we are not going to like?"

"Well, the thing is, Harrison, in fact, all the boys in the platoon, wants me to come back."

"Thank god," Isabella expresses her relief. "You can't because there was no way I was going to let you go."

"Actually, I can,"

"What do you mean you can?" my mom asks. "What about your leg?"

"Yes," Isabella agrees. "Soldier, did you kind of forget that tiny bit of detail?"

"I have to pass a fitness program and an evaluation board, but I can deploy again."

I say it with the utmost confidence and determination in myself. This has been a day I have been looking forward to for months, a day that I never thought would come. I know I can pass a simple fitness test and prove I am fit to deploy. I am boiling over from happiness, but I somehow detect that the rest of the room does not hold the same sentiment.

"That is amazing son, what a wonderful opportunity for you to get back into the Marine Corps."

We all snap our heads in my father's direction. It is as if some foreign words have slipped off his tongue.

Matt looks from to my father and then back to me. "I think I have now gone completely deaf. First, I thought Clay said he was going back to deploy, and then dad is happy about that. I knew I should have scrubbed a bit harder around my ears this morning."

"Hahaha, I agree with the part of what the fuck did dad just say."

"Oh, so you heard that too?"

My father just waves us off as he continues on. "Oh, stop being so dramatic, you two. Clay has just shown me there is more out there than having a fancy title in front of your name."

"But sergeant is also a fancy title," my mom says.

"I don't know so much about being sergeant again, mom. I will be part of battle operations."

"You still serving your country, son," my dad states. "That is all that matters."

I look over at Isabella that has gone completely silent. Her face gives nothing away about how she feels. The curious nosy girl has disappeared and given way to this quiet wordless woman. She seems to have lost all interest and is maybe even a little disappointed

"Boo, are you okay? What do you think?"

"I think that is great; I know how much being a Marine means to you."

Well, that did not sound really much convincing. She is obviously saying far less about how she really feels. But as I have learned with Isabella, there is a time and place for every moment, and now is not the one to bring the real issue about my deployment up.

"So what are you going to do, Clay?" my mom is the brave one that dares to ask.

"Well, we are deploying in a month. I need to start training if I want to get through this program."

"Awesome, bro, I must warn you, I am not easy at slackers; I am going to train your ass hard. The girls can even join us if they like."

"What do you say, boo?" I turn my eyes to Isabella again.

"Does it mean you are going to deploy again?" my mom asks again.

I watch as all eyes are on me again. But I am only seeking one pair of eyes this time, I am only looking for one person's approval now, and she is not saying a word. Her big brown eyes are burning straight through to my bone. If she has something to say about it, she is definitely not going to say much at all now.

"Yes, mom, I am."

I look back over to Isabella again.

"So what do you say, boo? Are you going to train with Matty and me here?"

She hesitates for a second.

"Only if my girl Chloe is training with you boys."

"Believe me, girl, I ain't leaving the two hottest asses in town running all bare-chested alone. If you think Betty is bad, girl, you have seen nothing yet."

"Hahaha, I guess I am putting my running shoes on then."

We all burst into laughter, and I get the feeling that everyone is just as happy as I am.

"So that is settled," my dad says. "Seems like our boy is going back to the Marine Corps."

"I can't wait for it, dad. This is the most hope that I have had in months."

"I know, son, I know how much this means to you."

Then finally, some words of encouragement come from Isabella. "See, soldier, not every end has to be an ending."

"Thanks, boo."

"Now, if everyone will excuse me, as much as I love the soldier, I really need to get out of his clothes."

"I will come with you, you know to get my clothes back."

Matt winks and smiles at Isabella and me. "Hahaha, I don't think everyone is that stupid."

"It's only you that has the dirty mind," Chloe says as she slaps Matt on the arm.

"Hahaha, he did not say what kind of stupid," I say to Chloe. "Who is the one with that dirty mind now?"

"Oh, you boys are impossible. Isabella gives me your number, and we can coordinate outfits for our run."

After exchanging numbers with Chloe, Isabella walks with me to my room to grab her bag and her old dirty clothes. We head out the back door and make it up the path to her home.

The walk is, for most parts, very quiet; not much is said, especially not much about my redeployment. When we get to her place, we settle down with a beer on the deck and watch as the day draws to a close and the sun creeps closer to the horizon.

"Boo, please talk to me. You have not said much."

I pull my chair closer to hers and wrap my arm around her waist. I feel her body relax into me as I pull her even closer to me. I have not held her so close the entire day; I have craved for her touch, for her body to be near mine. There is a soft scent of honey lingering in her hair as my chin rests on her head. My hand is resting on her waist with my thumb softly caressing her exposed skin.

"Boo, do you ever not feel this good?"

I cup her face in my hand and turn it to meet mine. There is a deep smoldering look in her eyes. I slowly press my lips against hers; they are soft and gentle. As I kiss her with all the raw passion inside me, there is a wave of warmth that fills me up, spilling out from my heart and rushing to every corner of my body. Every inch of me is saturated with her. I draw back and study her face for a moment.

"Boo."

"Yes, soldier?"

"What is wrong? This is not my Bella. Please talk to me."

"Can I ask you, something soldier?"

"Yes, of course, boo, you can ask me anything."

"Do you think there is something more, something serious between us?"

"Yes, I do; I know there is something more between us, and I want there to be even more than that."

"Then, soldier, why did you not talk to even your family or me before you made your decision?"

"What decision, boo?"

"To redeploy, you did not speak to anyone about it."

"Boo, I did not think, I did not know that I had to. I thought everyone would have my back."

"Don't get me, wrong soldier; I know that the Marines mean a lot to you, but you have people here that you mean a lot to. I just wish that you would have spoken to me."

"What are you saying, boo? Do you not want me to go?"

"I am saying that I don't think I can have another life-defining relationship with a man that is in the Marines."

"I don't understand, boo?"

"I don't think I can be in a relationship with you if I have to worry every day that you might die and come home in an even smaller body bag."

"But boo, I will only be at base."

"For how many months on end? Being involved with a Marine is like dating death. You never know when he is going to come around or when he is going to go."

"Boo, are you asking me not to go?"

"I will never ask you to decide between the Marines and me. I am just saying that it is not something I can do again."

"But that is asking me in a way because you know how much I feel about you and that I would do anything to be with you."

"That would mean giving up the Marines, and I would never ask you to do that."

"Boo, we can work around this. Please don't make this sound like the end."

"Soldier, I am not making it sound like the end; it sounds like reality."

"What are you saying?"

"I think I just need some time alone."

I finish off my beer and get off my seat to place the empty bottle in the bin that is standing in the kitchen. She follows behind and does the same.

"I am sorry, boo, I did not mean to upset you. I should have spoken to you before doing anything, but I was just so happy that I did not think about it."

"Soldier, don't apologize for wanting to follow your dreams. Don't ever give your dreams up just to make someone else happy."

"But boo, you make me happy."

"And so does the Marines. It is your purpose in life, don't lose it; I will not allow you to give up on your dreams."

"Thank you, boo. So what time should I be here tomorrow?"

"Don't worry about me; I won't be joining you guys."

"Why boo?"

"Soldier, you must focus on getting fit. I am just a distraction. I don't want to be that woman that stops you from living your dreams."

"You are not a distraction. Don't ever say that; you are the reason that I put this stump on every morning to live another day."

"That's the thing. Each day that I wake up, I don't know if you are going to live another day. Soldier, I don't think I can do that."

"I don't understand? What are you saying? Are you breaking us off?"