Apologies #164

Gotham City Park

"For fuck's sake... get it together..." I muttered to no one in particular, lightly slapping my cheeks as I slowly and reluctantly walked toward Richard's spot.

I wanted to be anywhere but here, but I knew that the longer I postponed meeting Richard, the harder it would get. It's not like I could live pretending I didn't obliterate my teacher's arm.

I was still trying to delay it as much as possible unconsciously, evident by snail-paced steps as I squeezed my mind to figure out what to say, how to justify my stupidity and apologize.

All my fuck ups so far affected only myself, and I could live with that. But I did not only get mark killed. I also crippled my teacher, the same man who trained me and believed in me when even I didn't.

I wasn't close to many people, but my presence seemed to affect the lives of those around me, not in a good way. Mark died, Patrick and the others lost their home, and Richard lost his arm.

Sure, I saved many people, and I intend to do more of that. But what was the point of helping some faceless randoms I'd never meet again when everything I did seemed to negatively affect those I cared about every time?

Selfish as I might be, I try to do the right thing sometimes. And right now, I'm wondering if I should distance myself to stop the consequences of my follies from fucking up any more lives. It would be the right thing to do.

Either way, I still have to take responsibility for my actions. Though an apology might not make up for my teacher's arm, it's a start.

I didn't get to continue contemplating the issue as I caught the sound of faint whistling and raised my head to see a small rock flying toward my face from the trees.

I raised my arm and caught the rock, briefly squeezing before relaxing my palm and allowing the crushed debris to fall to the ground.

"I thought I taught you to dodge instead of catch. Show-offs don't get happy endings," Richard said as he emerged from the trees, a blank expression on his face, and I couldn't help but look at the stump on his left shoulder.

"I already knew that before you taught me," I replied with an involuntary scoff at my teacher's words. I constantly complained about it. It's literally the oldest trick in the book that everyone seemed to fall for without fail.

"Doesn't change the fact you were distracted," Richard said, smiling as he shook his head. "Looks like you have something on your mind," he added as he plopped down on the grass and leaned on a tree, sitting cross-legged.

"Sit, and let's talk about it," Richard said while gesturing to the spot on his right with a laidback expression. Looking at him, one would think he never had an arm, but I knew better.

Even if he didn't seem to have any intention of bringing it up, as if nothing had happened, I knew better than to do the same. Even if he could get over it and live with the loss of his arm, I couldn't because I knew it was my fault, my doing, my failure.

I obliged with a sigh and sat next to him, but I said nothing, and not for the lack of trying. No matter how hard I squeezed my brain, I couldn't conjure the words. I didn't know how.

"You know, this reminds me of the first time we sat down and had a heart-to-heart conversation," Richard said with a smile after waiting for a second and seeing that I had nothing to say.

"I didn't know what kind of answer you'd give me, but I sure as shit didn't think it would have me questioning my own existence," He added with a chuckle, prompting me to let out one of my own, albeit a bitterly.

"I don't know what's on your mind, but I'm sure I can make an educated guess..." Richard said as he raised his head to look at the sky, leaning further into the tree as he relaxed his body.

"Those doubts plaguing your mind... they're not unusual... I've been there at a point in my life, and so did many others..." he explained as he turned back to me, staring me in the eye.

"It's almost an unwritten rule; with great power comes a great deal of shit no one wants to deal with," Richard jokingly concluded, shaking his head as he grinned broadly, and I couldn't help but sigh at his words.

"I... I fucked up..." I said after a brief silence as I looked into my teacher's eye for a second before my gaze drifted into his missing left arm and then into the distance.

"I knew what that ring would do to me... I knew I didn't need it; I knew there were others ways..." I added with a grimace as I recalled the events that led to my brief, destructive rampage.

"All I had to do was bide my time... but I couldn't do it. I couldn't wait. Not with Mark's body in front of me..." I went on, gritting my teeth hard enough to make them screech in my frustration.

"I made the decision to wear the ring, fully aware of the consequences and ready to face them..." I continued as I drew a deep breath to calm myself and keep talking.

"But in the end... I got out scot-free, and you paid the price for my decision," I went on as I touched my forehead and looked down. "I just... can't accept that... it isn't right," I remarked.

"Even now, sitting next to you and talking about it, I can't get myself to say sorry because it won't change a damned thing," I added as I finally found the words to express my thoughts.

"It won't undo my dumb decision or my failure. It won't bring back your arm..." I said, and if Richard had my empathy power, he'd be blinded by the aura of the self-loathing I was radiating at the time.

"It would only make me feel better about myself... and that just isn't right..." I concluded, deflating like a balloon as I'd finally spoken my mind and understood what I was really feeling.

"You know..." Richard said after a brief silence, having waited for me to calm down and gather my bearing. "I could sit here and tell you how I didn't need the arm because my fighting days are behind me because and I didn't need it to teach, but..." he added, and my expression worsened with every word he spoke as my guilt intensified.

"But that's not what you need to hear. So I'll say this; my arm is gone, and it is your fault..." my teacher added, and my expression shifted to surprise, then to a mixture of dread and relief.

The fact I got out of the whole situation none the worst didn't sit right with me. Getting a verbal bashing from Richard was the least I deserved, but I feared it wouldn't stop at that.

Look, I have issues, ok? I was just as confused about my feelings as you are right now.

"You know apologizing and brooding about it won't bring my arm, so how about you do something to fix it instead?" Richard asked, and I could only sigh at his words.

"I can build you a robotic arm... but it won't be the same... it won't be good enough..." I replied, scratching my head, distressed and relieved at the lack of anger in my teacher's tone.

"Oh...?" Richard said, tilting his head in confusion. "You're talking about this...?" he added as he raised his fist, channeling his chi into it and causing it to glow briefly.

"I don't have anything that could channel energy like your body does... I don't know where to look either," I replied, scratching my head. "There's my guns, but they only channel pure energy like mine, not chi," I added, shaking my head.

"Well, there you have it then. If you're going to torture yourself regardless of what I say, then you might as well be productive about it," Richard said with a chuckle, much to my disbelief.

"Here," he said as he reached for the jade dragon amulet hanging on his neck before he yanked it off. "If you can make something that functions like my old arm and channels chi as well as this amulet..." he added, trailing at the end of his sentence as he smiled.

"Then taking out my arm would be like doing me a favor," he concluded as he threw the amulet at me and laughed as I caught it with a shocked, dumbfounded expression.

"Fine," I replied as I put the amulet in my inventory and stood up, ready to leave without waiting for a reply. "I'll make you one that functions better than your old arm and channels chi better than this old thing," I concluded as I started walking away.

"Whatever you say, son. Just don't be too harsh on yourself."

...

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