Growing up

As I have stated before, I'm going into service this summer.

The future is unpredictable. And I don't know what I want from it.

As my last few months of high school are coming to their end, I'm at a difficult crossroad. Should I try and go study even further or not. University is free in my country. At least the public ones are.

Or should I do something else? And if it is something else, then what? I don't know what I want to do, in fact I don't have a single clue. I know what I enjoy, and I know that if possible I should try to make the things I enjoy into a career.

But... I don't know.

I feel like I should go and get some kind of decree, and be done with it. Something in the field of IT, or economy. I think I have some potential in these fields, and I am kind of interested in them but...

I don't know.

I just don't know.

I just don't feel like putting effort into anything. I almost never have had to, so why should I now. Well, yes, I know my future kinda depends on it but still.

Sometimes I really hate my laziness. Actually I don't, I'm too lazy to hate it.

I know what I should do, but should I really just do it?

When it comes to my daily life, I can only feel at peace in two scenarios:

1. Absolute Routine

2. Absolute Chaos

I feel more comfortable living a life in a routine, as a living machine.

Then again, I fear the chaos, yet just thinking of it makes me feel excited. Pulling me, corrupting me. To break free.

Though it's something I can't yet quite do.

I...

Want to see what the future brings.

I'm sure I'm not the only one with this problem, but still.