Entry 5

For a while now I feel like I'm being followed but that might just be the paranoia living inside of me. There's reasons for people to follow me like my family but I'm one of the least important or known. People know me as the "menopause baby" or the "mid life crisis baby" which is very hurtful towards my grandmother. They refer to my birth as an accident which is not wrong but they are so mean to my grandparents in the media and it's not like they look that old. If you didn't know you would think my grandmother is 45 when she's in her fifties. She still performs like she did 20 years ago. She still goes on world tours, puts out music and dances exactly the same.

When people talk about us they point out the huge age differences. Auntie Daisy being the oldest and being 7 years older than uncle Alex and him being 3 years older than Minnie and then me. Sometimes I think about if it ever came out how people would react. Would it blow up in our face or would people take it smoothly. There is no way to know when that's never gonna happen.

My eyes dart over to the guy that seems to sit in the same spot every time I come here. He's almost out of sight if you don't pay attention. He could be a regular like me but my gut feeling told me otherwise. He was paying more attention to me than I ever was which is why I noticed when I felt the haunting feeling of being watched. I wanted to confront him but that might end badly and he might deny this whole thing and say I'm delusional. The more I paid attention the more he seemed familiar but I couldn't make him out yet. He was hooded and kept to himself how could I possibly know. I should ignore him or stop coming here all together.

I slowly stopped going to that restaurant and I think he noticed it. Today was different than the others though, he approached me. It gave me anxiety when I saw him approaching in my peripheral view. I felt freaked out and my anxiety spiked.

"I've been wanting to talk to you for a long time." Is he a reporter? Does he want to know about my family? "I know you but you might not know me at all." He clapped his hands uncomfortably like he didn't know how to broach this.

"What do you want? Who are you?" I ask hesitantly.

"Ah, um…this might sound crazy but… uh-um… I'm related to you…" What, huh? I have no idea who this guy is. "I'm your uncle." No. I laugh and roll my eyes as I fold up my box of food.

"I have no idea who you are but you're not my uncle. We look like two different types of people. I'm black you're asian unless you're from my dad-" I pause as my eyes go up to the guy's face who I'm yet to make eye contact with and he seems really familiar like I've seen him somewhere.

I've never seen a photo of my dad or my mother's brother because they all were hidden away somewhere and I was never curious enough to search them up. The only information I know about my dad is that he went away to become a famous music artist and my uncle followed him to become his manager.

"Are you my biological father's brother?"

"Yes."

"Not interested."

"What, I thought you would want to know me or know him?"

"Not interested. I don't even like my mother, why would I want to know about the guy who got her pregnant in the first place."

"Because it might be amazing to know."

"Not to me." I think it's unbelievable to know I do not want to know him. I gave up on that curiosity a long time ago. He stopped piquing my interest when I realized it would never get better. I formed a sort of routine for me, I don't need him if I don't need her.

"For so long now it's been weighing on my mind to introduce myself and form a bond with you but now it all seems disappointing."

"It is. I'm sorry I'm not what you expected."

"No you're not but I still want to know me."

"What you want to know you can find online. Does my mother or my family know you did this?" He shakes his head taking a seat across from me.

"Why would they? They would hate for you to know I exist."

"Does he know I exist?" He shakes his head once again to answer my question. I already knew this but I just wanted to hear it. "Then how do you know?"

"It's a long story." He says as he looks out the window to the passing cars.

"I have 10 more minutes until my grandmother sends for me and I'll be here tomorrow. I can listen."

That's how it started. That's how I started meeting with the man who I never knew existed.

I knew I recognised him from somewhere but I couldn't think of it at the moment but when I got home and went online I saw his face pop up on my for you page. I knew it! JaredVlogs. He was a very popular youtuber who did storytimes and vlogs.

As I layed in my bed, shocked at who I was related to, the bits and pieces in my head started coming together one by one. If he is who he is then his brother who is my father is…

Fuck! I didn't see this coming. My head refused to put that piece in the puzzle. It made sense to it all but it's not like I expected to all find this out in one night. For the first time in forever my hands twitched to type in his in the search bar but I chucked my laptop aside and sat at the edge of my bed and stared into the void of my room.

Fuck! My father is Jordan kim, omg my dad is Jordan kim. It's not like this information made me any bit happy. I just felt stupid. It's opening my mind to make curious decisions to ask questions I threw out my mind so long ago. It made sense for him to be my dad. I remember a family friend mentioning how much time he used to spend around the family like another son but my grandfather cut him off.

I looked down at my phone where I saved Jared's number and I could feel the pulling feeling to call him but I shaked it out of my mind. I need to stop. I never wanted this. I never wanted to know but now that I know I want to know more. It hurts more than I thought it would. I always thought I would never meet him but here I have the opportunity and I just rejected it.

"He-"

"What was he like?" Was the first thing that flew out my mouth as I sat in my seat. I kept thinking about it over and over last night that I barely got a wink of sleep.

"Your dad? Well let me tell you his name-"

"I already know. I realized I recognised you and it just pieced itself together."

"So you know about him already." He laughed, raising his eyebrows.

"I just know some of his music and those shows he was in. I wanna know what he was like back then."

"I don't know about it personally but what I can say is he was more part of your family than mine. He would rather spend time with your family every summer vacation than go on vacation with us. It used to hurt as a child but he was really attached to Alex. He even calls him his brother. I'm over it now I get it they are soul brothers or whatever. They grew up together and Alex was around before me but It used to make me so jealous as a child like snot nose jealous. I think it annoyed Alex when he realized your mom was really into Jordan. He kinda felt like she was encroaching on his friendship and Jordan picked up on it and stop giving her any hints until you came into the picture and he never knew you were coming because he already left by the time we all knew your mom was pregnant but Alex said it's all her fault because if she just stayed away from his friend you would exist. Which is true but it was bound to happen. He's a great guy but times have changed and different things have happened. He's different now and I don't like him but that's not for me to judge and whenever you're ready to meet him I'll come through and make it happen."