Skinning for Dummies by Yours Truly, Wade Wilson

You ever notice how none of the League of Shadows ninjas bother with face-stealing? Well, I'll let you in on a little secret—it's not because they don't want to. It's because they can't handle it. I mean, face-stitching is a one-time deal, unless you've got a healing factor like mine~. Most ...people, once they go through it, their skin just isn't in the mood to be reattached a second time. But hey, I digress. Let's get to today's topic: skinning a face. You'll need a subject that's... well, let's say "corpse fresh."Just like this lovely dad from our last chapter~~

Step One: Get the Right Subject

Now, here's where most people mess up. You can't just pick any old face. You need a subject that's still relatively fresh. Corpse fresh, to be precise. What's that mean? It means someone who's dead but hasn't started to smell like the back of a Gotham alley. That 'just killed, still warm' state is ideal. This ensures the skin's elasticity is still intact, and—oh yeah—it keeps things from getting too… mushy.

Take this rich here~ , for instance. Perfect example. Recently deceased, no significant damage to the face, and bonus points for that moisturized skin. Money does buy you good skin care, and I'm about to reap those benefits.

Step Two: Tools of the Trade

Okay, so first things first. You need a scalpel. None of that 'butcher knife' crap, because you want precision. A clean cut makes all the difference. You ever try peeling an orange with a dull knife? Doesn't end well. The same logic applies here. You also need some alcohol—for sterilization? Nah, just to steady your nerves ,mind and maybe wipe down your hands after the job. Blood's slippery, and you don't want to slip up mid-cut.

Step Three: Make the Incision

Now, this part is fun. Gently, and I do mean gently, you're gonna start at the temples. Easy does it, like slicing through the softest butter. Move slowly, and don't go too deep. We're not aiming to hit bone; we just want the skin. If you're careless here, you'll end up with tears or holes, and let's be real—no one wants to wear a face with giant rips in it. This dad? He's got that clean, smooth complexion. A perfect candidate for face-lifting—literally.

Step Four: Ears and Cheeks

The tricky part is around the ears. You'll want to carefully work your way around them without ruining the delicate cartilage. It's like peeling back the flaps on a book you're opening for the first time. Don't rush. Once you get past the ears, the cheek area should come off relatively easily. There's a lot of give around here, just don't mess up and snag the jawline, or your fresh face is going to start looking like you just give the mountain a blowjob... Oh Poooooor Kelsey Henson!!

Step Five: The Mouth

This is the critical zone. It's where most amateurs screw up. You gotta make sure you cut just around the lips—too deep and you'll end up with a Joker smile, and not the fun kind. You want to maintain the original shape. Trust me, you don't want to be walking around with a permanent sneer just because you botched this part. Our dear daddy here? He's got a bit of a five o'clock shadow, but nothing a little careful cutting can't handle~

Step Six: Stitching It All Together

Once you've got the face in place, there's one more thing I like to do that most pros don't bother with—stitches. Sure, it's not absolutely necessary, but if you want that snug, natural look, nothing beats a bit of old-fashioned needlework. Now, I'm not talking Frankenstein here. Nah, just a few careful, tiny stitches along the hairline and around the jaw to make sure the skin stays tight. You gotta keep it taut, otherwise you end up with sagging cheeks like a melting candle. And trust me, even with my regeneration, I still appreciate a good fit.

So, I pull out my needle and thread—sterilized, of course—and get to work. Quick, careful motions. In and out, in and out, just like sewing up a nice leather jacket. A few loops, a nice tug, and bam—perfection. See, most people think the whole skin-peeling deal is messy and chaotic, but that's where they're wrong. It's an art. A beautiful, precise art.

Step Seven: Test Run

Now that I'm all set, it's time for the real fun. I take a glance at the mirror, giving myself a cocky grin with this borrowed mug. Not bad, not bad at all. I look just like Mr. Average Dad who probably reads the newspaper, sips overpriced coffee, and talks about tax brackets for fun.

But guess what, Dad? You're about to crash one of the Court of Owls' infamous auctions. I mean, who'd expect some regular guy like you to waltz into a high-society, super-secret villain auction, right? That's the beauty of it. With this face, I'm just another player in their game.

And no one suspects a thing.

I zip up my jacket, crack my neck, and give myself one last look in the mirror. Good to go. Time to head out and see what the Court of Owls is selling tonight....

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