25. Chapter 25

Carina actually managed to fall asleep for a while with Maya, something both of them needed. The Italian woke up around noon, her stomach not feeling good again. She carefully removed herself from the bed before going to the bathroom.

Once she was doing, she decided to take a shower, hoping maybe that would help her feel a little bit better. Also, it had been a few days since she had taken one and she knew she needed it.

When she walked out of the bathroom to get some clothes and unhook her IV, she found her wife awake in bed.

“How are you feeling Bambina?” Carina asked, going over to her.

“Ok,” Maya said, “What are you doing?”

“I am going to go take a quick shower,” Carina said, “I need one. Is that ok?”

“Of course,” Maya said, nodding as Carina went into the bathroom again.

As she showered, the Italian realized she was going to need to figure out what to do while Maya had therapy. She didn’t really want to leave, but she wanted to make sure Maya had the space she needed to open up to Diane and didn’t want to inhibit that in any way. She decided to talk to her wife and see.

If Maya wanted her to leave, she would probably just go down to her office since technically, she was supposed to be in contact isolation because she was sick. Really, all that meant was that she needed to make sure she had a private bathroom to use which luckily, her office had.

She also knew she had her noise canceling headphones so maybe if it was ok with Maya and Diane, maybe she would see if she could stay in the room and just lay on the couch, wear her headphones to listen to some music, and try to nap. She was exhausted after the night before so that sounded ideal.

She finished up in the shower, getting dressed in clean clothes and making sure her wet hair wasn’t hanging over her stitches before going back out to see her wife.

The minute she saw her, she knew Maya’s brain was spinning again, the look on her face a dead giveaway.

“Bambina,” Carina said, “What are you thinking about?”

“How are you taking this much time off work?” Maya asked, “I know I am on disability leave or something and the department has to give me as much time off as I need because technically this was a job-related accident, but how are you taking time off? And are you going to be able to take more time off once I get out of here because I don’t know how healed I am going to be when they finally let me go and I might need some help? Is Bailey going to be mad? Are you going to get fired? Is…”

“Bambina,” Carina said, cutting her off, “Hey. Take a breath. I don’t exactly know what kind of leave I am on right now, but Bailey told me I could have all the time I need. I would not be safe to be around my patients right now. I will talk to her once the c. diff is cleared up if I am still feeling ok mentally about maybe going back, but right now, all I need is to be right here with you, ok? People in this hospital love you and me and want to make sure we are both taken care of, ok? I am not going to get fired.”

“Ok,” Maya said, feeling a little bit of her latest panic fade, “Sorry. I don’t know why I keep obsessing about this stuff. More to talk to Diane about I guess.”

“Si,” Carina nodded, braiding her hair back quickly, “Speaking of Diane, do you need me to leave when she is here?”

“Um…,” Maya said, not really wanting her wife to hear what she was going to talk about but also not wanting her far away, “I don’t know. Where would you go?”

“My office I guess,” Carina shrugged, reattaching her IV to the port in her arm, knowing she needed the fluids, “Or, if you are open to it, I think I saw my noise canceling headphones in the bag Andy brought so I could put those on and sleep on the couch, if that is ok with you?” “Yeah,” Maya said, nodding, “Yeah, that sounds really good.”

“Ok,” Carina nodded, climbing back onto the bed with Maya, “That’s what I will do then. How is your stomach feeling?”

“So far, so good,” Maya said, “I think maybe I am finally getting better. Although, I think something might be wrong.”

“What?” Carina asked, alarmed.

“I haven’t had to pee in…I actually don’t know how long,” Maya said, “And I know I don’t have a catheter like I did after surgery so…”

“Oh,” Carina said, letting out a sigh of relief, “That is normal. You are on continuous dialysis which is filtering your blood and fluids. Your kidney isn’t able to make urine right now because of the damage form the sepsis.”

“Oh,” Maya said, “Will I ever be able to again?”

“Hopefully,” Carina nodded, “That is actually one way we will know your kidney is starting to work. But for now, it is ok and perfectly normal.”

Maya nodded, taking in this new information. She was really hoping her kidney would decide to start working soon because she knew it would make going home way less complicated.

“How is your stomach feeling?” Maya asked her wife.

“Still not good,” Carina shrugged, “But maybe a little bit better than yesterday. I don’t know. I think maybe my fever is coming down a little.”

“That’s good,” Maya said, smiling at her wife, “Hopefully you aren’t sick as long as I was.”

“Hopefully,” Carina nodded in agreement.

The two of them sat in bed for a while until there was a knock at the door.

“Hey,” the nurse said walking in, “I haven’t been called into this room all shift and I just wanted to make sure everything was ok. Also, I need to hand a new bag of formula and some more fluids.”

“I am finally feeling better,” Maya said as the nurse walked over to the bedside, “My stomach isn’t crampy or painful and I don’t feel sick anymore.”

“That is great,” the nurse said, running a thermometer over Maya’s forehead, “And you have no fever. Maya, I think you are finally getting over your c. diff.”

“Finally,” Maya said, smiling.

“And Carina, how are you feeling?” the nurse asked, having brought an extra bag of fluids in for Carina who technically wasn’t admitted as a patient but they all were taking care of her too.

“Not very well,” Carina said, “But I have been drinking some, and it’s not too bad.”

“You still have a nice fever of 100.9,” the nurse said, using the thermometer on Carina, “Do you want something to help with that? I have some right here.”

“Yeah,” Carina nodded, knowing any antipyretic they gave her would also help with the pain in her belly, “Thank you.”

“Anything else?” the nurse asked, “I can get you some toast or something?”

“Um, maybe at dinner time,” Carina said, watching the nurse change her IV bag.

“Ok,” the nurse nodded, “Are you having an issues with nausea?”

“No,” Carina said, “Thankfully.”

“Good,” the nurse nodded, “Well, just let me know if either of you need anything. I’ll come check on you in a little while.”

“Thank you,” Maya said as the nurse left before looking down at Carina, “You have to make sure you are trying to eat, ok?”

“I will try,” Carina nodded, “Maybe I’ll pull some of those crackers Travis and Andy and Vic brought the other day. I’m just not feeling very hungry right now.”

“You don’t have to do it now,” Maya said, “But how about before we go to bed for the night?”

“Ok,” Carina nodded at the compromise, “That sounds fair.” Just then, there was another knock at the door.

“Hello,” Diane Lewis said, walking into the room.

“Hey Diane,” Maya said, smiling a little at her. “

Maya Bishop, never able to do anything small,” Diane said, walking over to her.

“I know,” Carina said, shaking her head as she got up off the bed, grabbing her blanket, “Hello Diane.”

“Hi Carina,” Diane said, smiling, “Are you joining us today?”

“I am going to take a nap on the couch with some noise canceling headphones,” Carina said, gesturing to the couch bed under the window, “But if you need me, I am right here.”

“Try to get some rest,” Maya said as Carina leaned over, giving her a tiny kiss before going over to the couch, putting on her headphones and laying down, covering herself with her blanket.

“I got her sick,” Maya sighed as Diane sat down.

“What?” the therapist said, eyebrows crinkled.

“I got an infection in my colon because of a complication form some of my medications to treat sepsis and I gave it to her because she was on meds to treat strep,” Maya said, rubbing her eyes.

“Wait, so on top of the accident and all the injuries from that, you also had sepsis and another infection?” Diane said, looking at the blonde, “Wow. I was kinda waiting for you to call when I heard about the accident at 19, but I guess you have been a little busy.”

“Yeah,” Maya nodded, “I was in a coma for a few days because of the sepsis and pretty much as soon as I woke up, I got c. diff. which is finally maybe going away so it’s been a lot of complications around here.”

“Wow,” Diane said, “I was at 19 to talk to your shift two days after the accident at Jack’s request, but I guess that was before all of these complications.”

“Probably,” Maya said, “Is my team ok?”

“You know I can’t divulge personal information,” Diane said, “But they are doing well as a house. But I doubt you called me here to talk about them because you could just text any of them to find that out. So, what’s going on?”

Maya sighed, biting her lip a little, “There’s a lot.”

“Well, good thing for you, I have a lot of time,” Diane said, “You are the only thing on my schedule this afternoon besides taking my son driving and that is only tentative so just pick something to start with.”

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be a firefighter again,” Maya said, feeling tears fill her eyes, “And that scares the hell out of me.”

“Have your doctors told you you can’t be a firefighter again?” Diane asked, wanting to figure out how to attack this very real fear.

“No,” Maya said, “And I have been too scared to ask. But I got a lot of injuries and I currently have no working kidneys and only one kidney left that could work if it heals enough and I am scared I won’t ever be able to go back to active duty again if it doesn’t start working. And what if I need a transplant? Can transplant recipients even be firefighters?”

“I don’t know,” Diane said, “I would have to look into department policy assuming there is one. As for the fear about not being able to go back to active duty, I have been there, and it is a very real and valid fear, but also, right now, is there anything you can do about it?”

“No,” Maya said, “No besides doing what the doctors say and trying to get better.”

“Ok,” Diane said, “So for now, that is what you focus on. And what if you could never be a firefighter again? What would happen?”

“I don’t know who I would be without it,” Maya said, tears flowing steadily down her cheeks, “It is my whole life.”

“Is it?” Diane asked, glancing over at Carina who appeared to be sound asleep on the couch, “Is firefighting your whole life?”

“I guess no,” Maya said, looking at her wife too, “I guess it was, for a really long time, but now…without firefighting, I would be very lost, but I would still have Carina I think and that would be good.”

“Why do you say you think?” Diane asked, looking at Maya.

“What if she left me because I wasn’t able to do this job?” Maya said quietly, “What if without being a firefighter, I became a different person who she didn’t love anymore.”

“Maya, that woman over there, she loves you because you are driven and loving and caring and passionate and a leader and dedicated,” Diane said, “Not because you are a firefighter.”

“But being a firefighter makes me those things,” Maya argued.

“No,” Diane said, “No, those things make you an amazing firefighter, but you are those things without being a firefighter. If you stopped fighting fires, would you be any less driven to succeed at what you did next? Or would you be any less dedicated to the things you are passionate about? I don’t think so.”

“I guess,” Maya said, wiping her eyes, “I guess that’s true.”

“It is true,” Diane nodded, “You are who you are, with or without wearing the turnouts and holding the hoses.”

“My body isn’t cooperating how I need it to,” Maya said after a minute of thinking, “And I don’t know how to fix it.”

“What do you mean it’s not cooperating?” Diane asked.

“I mean…ok, for example, today in physical therapy, I was walking a little bit and then stood still and gave Carina a hug and then when I went to get back in bed, my leg gave out and I almost fell,” Maya said, “I just want my body to work how it did before.”

“Ok,” Diane said, “I understand that. But let me ask you something. When you get a probie at the station, do you expect them to work and know exactly everything they are supposed to in the first week?”

“No,” Maya said, “We have to train them and show them the ropes.”

“And if they don’t do it perfectly the first time, do you punish them?” Diane asked, already knowing the answer.

“No,” Maya said, “We train them more and teach them the right way and if they are any good, eventually, they get it right.”

“Exactly,” Diane said, “So treat your body like it is a probie. It is having to learn how to do a lot of things differently right now because of your injuries and it is going to take time and patience and you are not going to get it all right the first time.”

“But I just want to feel better,” Maya said, tears filling her eyes.

“And you will,” Diane said, “You are going to get to whatever your version of better is. I don’t know if that means being back to 100% how you were before, or 90% or something else, but you are going to get better. You are getting better. You told me you were in a coma with sepsis not that long ago, and now I am sitting here talking to you. That is getting better. You have to look at every little victory and not just see how far you are from your end goal. Every step along the way gets you closer and you have to appreciate those little victories too.”

“I guess,” Maya said, wiping at the tears on her cheeks.

“I want you to give me five little victories you have had since the accident,” Diane said, “Even if they seem tiny, tell me, ok?”

“I was able to stand up and take steps and hug my wife,” Maya said, earning a nod from her therapist, “And I am awake and no longer have sepsis. I can sit up in bed. I can start using my right leg again. And I think I am officially cleared by neuro.”

“Maya, those are all huge things,” Diane said, “Like enormous. You are making huge progress forward medically, even if it feels slow.”

“I just hate being here,” Maya said.

“Why?” Diane asked.

“Because I want to be at home,” Maya said as if it was the stupidest question ever, “I want to be in my own bed and not have to be checked on all the time and I want to be able to do things for myself and I want to be able to take care of my wife and not keep causing her more pain and stress and anxiety and flashbacks and making her life so much harder than it should be because she is wonderful and doesn’t deserve this.”

Maya broke down crying at the end of that, grabbing the teddy bear form the bed next to her and holding it as tightly as her sore ribs would allow. Diane just allowed her to cry, knowing she needed these emotions out.

Eventually, the tears tapered off, Maya sniffling a little.

“Sorry,” the blonde said, looking at Diane, “I didn’t mean to…”

“Maya, you know I don’t care if you cry,” Diane said, “I mean, it is healthy and allows you to let out some of your emotions so we can work toward the reasons for those emotions in the first place. Are you ready for that?”

“Yeah,” Maya nodded, leaning her cheek on the soft teddy bear.

“So, why is it so important to you that you are able to do things on your own?” Diane asked, “What’s wrong with the nurses and doctors and your friends helping you out?”

“I don’t want to be a burden,” Maya said, “I don’t want to be lazy and let other people think I am incapable.”

“Has anyone ever told you you were lazy or incapable because of an injury?” Diane asked.

“Lane did,” Maya said, looking down, “Pretty much every time I got injured in track which wasn’t super often, but if I ever tried to rest an injury, he would tell me only lazy fat asses rested and that I needed to embrace the pain and work through it. And I know it was wrong, but part of me still feels like if I don’t take care of myself and do what needs to be done, that I am being lazy.”

“Maya, you are not being lazy,” Diane said, shaking her head, “You are giving your body the time it needs to get better and from what it sounds like, you are pushing your body to work really hard.”

“I guess,” Maya said, “I just hate that I can’t physically move around.”

“I know the feeling,” Diane nodded, “I struggled with that a lot after my injuries, but I found ways to keep my mind busy and active even when my body wouldn’t cooperate the way I needed.”

“Like what?” Maya asked.

“I did a lot of sudoku and puzzles and I started learning French to keep my mind actively engaged,” Diane said, “It was really helpful. I also started knitting, but that might be a bit challenging with your…broken arm?”

“Yeah, I have two hairline fractures in my wrist,” Maya nodded a little, thinking.

She had never been big on puzzles because they were a stationary activity and she struggled being still, but maybe it would be good now.

“I can try,” Maya said, “I’ll ask Andy or Vic or Travis or someone to pick up some puzzles next time they come.”

“I brought one with me,” Diane said, pulling a 1000-piece puzzle from her bag, “I did this on in the hospital after my second leg surgery. It fits on the little table pretty well.”

“Thanks,” Maya said as Diane set the box down, “I’ll try it.”

“I want to circle back to something you said,” Diane said, “About you causing Carina pain and stress and anxiety and giving her flashbacks?”

“Oh, yeah,” Maya said, playing with the bear’s fur, “She’s been having a really hard time with her PTSD since I’ve been here and I keep having more complications and other things going on and it’s making it so hard for her.”

“Maya, that is not your fault,” Diane said, “You didn’t purposely get into the accident and you didn’t give yourself complications and you didn’t give Carina PTSD. Those are all things that happened but not that you are responsible for.”

“I know,” Maya sighed, “But I still feel responsible. She is having to relive Andrew’s death. I was brought into the same trauma room as him. She’s been so scared to leave in case something bad happens and I feel so bad for her.”

“That’s because you love her,” Diane said, “And that is ok to wish something wasn’t happening to someone you love. It’s normal and healthy, but you cannot blame yourself for it happening. Is Carina seeing someone to talk about it?”

“Yeah,” Maya nodded, “She’s back doing EMDR, and she’s only done one session, but I think it helped. She’s supposed to have another one at some point soon probably, but she is sick so she needs to get better first.”

“Good,” Diane nodded, happy that Carina was taking care of herself, “She is going to be fine. Just like after her brother died, it was really scary and hard, but she made it through that. This is probably stirring up her old traumas which sucks so much, but it isn’t anything you can prevent. You can just be there for her as much as you can, which I know you, and you have been, am I right?”

“Yeah,” Maya nodded, “I just want to be able to take care of her. That’s normally what I do when she is struggling and right now I can’t and I hate it.”

“I know,” Diane said, “But I am sure you just being with her is helping. You cannot blame yourself for how her body, or your body for that matter, responds to this kind of stress. It is what it is, and it is no one’s fault. Did you tell Carina you felt responsible?”

“Yeah,” Maya nodded.

“And what did she say?” Diane asked, eyebrow raised.

“She told me to stop talking about it and stop apologizing because I didn’t do anything,” Maya sighed, “And I want to believe that, but if I hadn’t been in this accident, she wouldn’t have had a PTSD relapse like she did and she wouldn’t be feeling like she is now.”

“And if you hadn’t gotten in the accident, maybe something worse would have happened,” Diane countered, “Maybe you would have died somewhere else or been called to a fire and gotten more injured. You can never know, and you cannot blame yourself for what happened. It’s not fair to you to carry that burden, and it’s not fair to her to have to try to convince you you didn’t do anything wrong. I know it’s so hard, Maya, but you just have to let the guilt go.”

Maya sighed, nodding a little bit.

“You’ve told me about Carina’s mental health since the accident,” Diane said, “How’s yours been? How’s your anxiety?”

“It was fine for a while,” Maya sighed, “Until I started to feel better physically and then it was like my brain knew I was feeling better and decided I hadn’t given it enough attention or something because now my anxiety is bad and I’m having a hard time sleeping because my brain is racing.”

“What do you do when it starts racing?” Diane asked, “Have you been using the breathing exercises and thought exercises we worked on before?”

“No,” Maya said, sighing, “It’s hard to remember to do them when my brain starts going a million miles an hour and normally, I would go for a run or lift or bike or do something active that helps me process enough of them to be able to use the mental exercises, but not having that is making it really hard to calm down.”

“I understand,” Diane nodded, knowing the former Olympian needed movement just to keep her sane most of the time, “Are you not able to do any physical activity?”

“I do physical therapy once or twice a day,” Maya said, “And that’s it for now. I can’t really get out of bed without help, and I have only been able to get up out of this bed successfully twice since the accident so…”

“Have you been able to leave your room at all since you got here?” Diane asked, knowing that was probably also not helping anything.

“No,” Maya said, “And with having c. diff. I don’t think I am allowed to. I’d have to ask though.”

“Oh, I forgot about that,” Diane nodded, “Yeah, they don’t let you leave until you are symptom free for 48 hours. I had it during one of my hospitalizations. It is not fun.”

“I know,” Maya nodded, “So I’m going to have to wait at least another day and a half before I can leave this room. What am I supposed to do? I can’t even write because my right hand is in this stupid cast brace thing.”

Just then, Carina got up off the couch, stumbling into the bathroom before shutting the door.

“I feel so bad for getting her sick,” Maya said, shaking her head, “I’m not blaming myself. I just wish she wasn’t so sick.”

“Just like you, she will get better,” Diane said, “It just takes a little time. As for your anxiety, I want you to try to use your breathing exercises and mental exercises as much as you can. Even if you aren’t feeling anxious, just practice them to give your body a little relaxation. And once you are allowed to leave this room, maybe see if you are allowed to get in a wheelchair and have someone push you around the hospital or even outside. I think that might help some. I know how much you need physical activity so if you feel up to it, see if they can up your PT if you can handle it and it’s safe. And when you feel yourself spiral, talk about it with someone. I know Carina’s here, and I’m sure you have had some visitors?”

“All the time,” Maya nodded, “Less so since we have both been sick, but not for their lack of trying. We just haven’t been up to it.”

“Well, try talking to them too once you start having more visitors again,” Diane said, “It should help. Have you taken anything for your anxiety besides your normal meds?”

“I had something stronger to help me sleep last night,” Maya said, “And it helped. I just hate those meds.”

“I know,” Diane said, “But not sleeping will make it harder to heal which will only prolong this whole process so take them if you need them, ok?”

“Ok,” Maya nodded, sighing.

Just then, Carina came back out of the bathroom, looking miserable.

“Come here,” Maya said, gesturing to the space next to her in the bed.

Carina grabbed her blanket and came over, cuddling close to Maya.

“Are you guys done?” the Italian asked, noticing it was already almost 3 pm.

“I think maybe,” Maya said, “Diane, is there anything else?”

“Not if you don’t have anything,” the therapist shook her head, “But I’m serious about working on those breathing exercises and taking meds if you need them, ok?”

“Ok,” Maya nodded, “Thank you so much for coming.”

“Of course,” Diane nodded, “Email me any time you need me. I can come back here whenever. Remember Maya, you are making progress, ok?”

“Ok,” the blonde nodded, “Thank you.”

“Thank you Diane,” Carina said, sitting up some, smiling at her wife’s therapist.

“You’re welcome,” Diane said, “I hope you both feel better soon. And like I said, any time, ok?”

Diane left, leaving Maya and Carina alone in bed.

“How did it go?” Carina asked, seeing how puffy Maya’s eyes were, knowing that meant there were some tears shed over the past two hours which was not a surprise at all.

“Good,” Maya said, “I feel like I maybe have a little better handle on this and on my anxiety and how to manage it without running or really moving a lot. She suggested I see if I can up PT if I am feeling ok. Can I ask about that?”

“Of course,” Carina nodded, “As long as you promise to listen to your body carefully, ok?”

“I will,” Maya said, yawning a little, “Did you have a good nap?”

“Si,” Carina nodded, “The painkillers helped a little bit which was good. You look very sleepy right now though.”

“Eh,” Maya shrugged, “Maybe. But I should be having PT again soon so can we watch a movie instead of sleeping? I don’t want to be super groggy for that.”

“Of course,” Carina nodded, turning on the TV as they both settled in, Maya finally feeling at least a little bit better both physically and mentally.