If I lay my head down...
"Bellamy, calm down. You've seen her. She's okay. And she's tough. She's a cockroach, like me," Murphy told him. Madi, who had been eavesdropping on their conversation since they left the room, made an indignant face at him for calling Clarke a cockroach. Although this harmless inside joke needed to be explained to her, Bellamy was too preoccupied with the discussion they had been having since they left the quarters three minutes ago. In general, they didn't seem to be paying too much attention to her. "Her heart stopped. I'm afraid she's not invincible. Or immortal," Bellamy replied. The image of the heart monitor flatlining and the eerie sound it made haunted his mind. It had happened shortly after they had taken Clarke to the Eligius OR. Fortunately, Jackson had brought her back to life after a few courageous chest compressions. It had been hard. Even after that, the atmosphere was tense. So tense until Abby - after taking care of Murphy and Gaia - almost literally kicked him out of the OR. That part was then taken over by Indra at her behest, who firmly, and without explicit threats of violence, removed him and Echo from the OR.
Madi snorted loudly. She had enough of it. She couldn't hear it one more time: "Clarke dying. Dying. Dying. Almost dying." Her brain had had enough. Despite the fact that she had been asleep for some time, she was already feeling tired again. For a brief moment she thought about running away, back to Clarke, locking the door and not letting anyone disturb them. By now she was terrorized by the events. She had thought that when Clarke woke up and her friends were with her, everything would be fine. But that just made everything more complicated and complex - as it unfortunately turned out. She had underestimated the extent of their old scars. And now she was haunted by the images of seeing Clarke bleeding, unconscious from Jackson's drugs. The image was always the same. Clarke closing her eyes, not passing out, but dying. Every time. And every time those images flashed through her mind, she felt her stomach turn in pain. She had no problem watching someone else die, especially if they deserved it, even if it was not a pleasant sight or a pleasant thing at all. But watching Clarke nearly die was too much. It left a deep scar. And every step that took her further away from Clarke fed her fear of losing her, or just being separated from her. Clarke was her most vulnerable part. Just as she was Clarke's.
Not even Bellamy seemed to notice her almost apathic behavior as they walked at Murphy's snail's pace toward the bridge. She had completely cut herself off from their argument. Except for the desperate thoughts that haunted her mind, there was nothing else. Her mind was otherwise empty. It was as if her mind had erected some kind of blockade. Against unwanted advice. And she already knew that the other commanders wouldn't be coming back anytime soon. If at all. She had spared them with explicit words after they had again questioned her love for Clarke and called her weak. She had no choice but to show them who was really in charge of her mind. After that outburst, only Lexa dared to show up, but even she didn't show up now. Emptiness. Something she actually started to like. For once. It seemed as if the Flame was learning from her emotions and thoughts, trying to adapt its help to the situation at hand. Or maybe she had recently acquired the ability to control the Flame with her thoughts. That would explain why she was able to block everything. The Flame was a mystery to her. A part of her regretted that she had not listened to Clarke. Since she had taken the flame, she felt much more tired because she was always thinking. Her brain felt like it was running at full speed. Even when she slept. She knew that she had to consult Gaia, even though she hadn't really contributed much advice so far. There wasn't a good manual or an installed one either.
"Shouldn't Becca have thought of some kind of introductory sequence to welcome new commanders?" For some reason, this question had crossed her mind. But it was justified. Even though she wasn't a computer scientist and had only learned what little she knew from Clarke while helping her repair and maintain the rover and its equipment, Madi was sure that someone like Becca should have thought of it. Of course, Clarke knew something about the flame, she even told her a few things about it. As well as Becca's work. But talking to Clarke about the flame wasn't an option. She was still hurt and upset.
By now, Lexa was the only helpful feature of the Flame. Madi knew how much Clarke loved her, and she began to realize that Clarke was jealous. How much is still to be determined. She knew it. This explanation made much more sense. She loved Lexa. And still loves her. And it made Madi regretful. From this perspective it felt wrong to have the flame. She didn't even know Lexa that well. The first time, she suddenly appeared in front of her, her black armor and her brown hair. She was beautiful, but to Madi she was a total stranger who suddenly started talking about Clarke and showing her sequences of their moments together.
"How can you be so easy on her?" Madi could hear Murphy asking Bellamy as her mind released her from its grip for once, "I know she's had a hard time after all, but man. This is so fucked up."
"I know. There's still so much to talk about. But she did save your life. Remember that. And what happened in the valley is partly on my head, too," Bellamy said "We talk this out later".
Just like when she followed Abby to Clarke's room, Madi was completely oblivious to the fact that they were almost there. This time, too, the bridge portal came quite unexpectedly. If she hadn't trotted after them a few steps away, she would have crashed into the twin doors of the bridge. Luckily for her, Bellamy, who was a few steps ahead of her, opened the door just in time so that she could enter without having to stop. And thus saved her from a possible bump on the head. And Madi realized now that she had no memories of the bridge from her first time here, when she had decided with Kane and Bellamy to evacuate Wonkru to the bunker instead of taking them all aboard the Eligius.
"Where's Shaw?" Bellamy asked as he looked around as they entered. Everyone was missing except Dyoza, who sat pensive and distracted at the radio station "Octavia?."
Dyoza only paid attention to him when he came closer to her. She lifted her head and examined him from head to toe with her eyes before finally answering him.
"Shaw is doing some checks on the dropship. The ground is still clear and the bunker is ready for one last visit before the storm sets in," she told him.
"So are we flying?" Murphy asked him impatient. As much as Bellamy sympathized with Murphy's desire for a reunion, it wasn't at the top of his list right now. But Octavia was one of those things. And he still hadn't got an answer on where she went. Again, part of him couldn't care less, but another part seemed to genuinely care, even to be slightly concerned. So even now, Murphy had to wait for his answer when Bellamy made another attempt to ask Dyoza for Octavia's whereabouts. "Where did Octavia go?" He repeated his question. Dyoza's suspicious hesitation even made him suspect for a brief moment that Dyoza would quickly come up with a lie to cover for Octavia. "Just don't get paranoid..."
"She left about 20 minutes ago. She needed to stretch her legs" Then she finally gave him a somewhat acceptable answer. It was not the answer he wanted to hear, as he would have preferred to leave the bridge knowing where she was and in what condition. He had noticed her uneasy and restless behavior, torn between defensiveness and remorse. He knew he couldn't avoid talking to her forever. And for a moment he had even hoped to do it right here. To get it over with. But he still didn't know what to tell her. Ironically, he remembered Clarke's words in his head right now. When she tried to take away his guilt after he found out that he was partly responsible for the first culling on the ark. "You want forgiveness? Fine, I'll give it to you, you're forgiven, okay?"
Forgiving Octavia. That was hard. The pain was still too strong. But on the other hand he had forgiven Clarke as well. Not that there was much to forgive after Madi put all the puzzle pieces together for him and Echo. Even though Clarke was still his friend, he knew she was hurt. And he wasn't sure how much. Only time would tell. But Octavia was the one who started it all. Who left him no choice but to act in some kind of knee-jerk reaction and betray Clarke, his best friend. Which then led to her betraying him and almost getting him killed. And just a few days later, Octavia was so different. At least she seemed to have finally given up her Bloodreina alter ego and was trying to become herself again. There was no point in dwelling on it now. And so Bellamy tried to focus on the things he could do. "Let's see what Shaw has to say first," Bellamy directed his attention shortly back to Murphy. Even though he wanted to have a quick chat with Raven in person and make sure everything was really okay down there, because he still didn't trust the radio, a part of him didn't want to leave at all. Not until Clarke's condition had improved significantly, and not until he'd talked to Octavia. And for the moment being he just wanted to quickly collect Madi's things from his and Echo's quarters and get something to eat before he could even think about their possible last-minute trip to Earth.
And there was another problem. The problem of who to leave in charge of the Eligius while it went down. After all, there were a few dozen people on board at the moment. At first, Indra came to mind, as she had proven many times that she was a powerful and respected leader. But at the same time, Bellamy thought about taking her with him to the bunker. To help keep order there. If only Clarke wasn't in her current state, it would be much easier, although she would probably accompany him. But she would be standing next to him here, working on a plan with him right away. Madi stood next to him. She was the commander and of course she was in charge of everything. But right now she and Clarke needed their rest. He didn't want to bother her with this task. Leaving Echo behind to look after Clarke and Madi would probably be the best decision. Especially as long as Octavia was still a very unstable being.
Bellamy was already working out a plan in his head. He knew that working on his own was not the way to go. Similar go-it-alone maneuvers had caused a lot of trouble and even chaos in the past. And it shouldn't happen this time. That was why he needed to hear someone else's opinion. Like Clarke's. But she wasn't here. It was strange, but Bellamy couldn't tell what to think of Dyoza as he watched her sitting at the radio station. She seemed to be trying to help and he still didn't know how much he could trust her, but right now she seemed to be a very reasonable person, hard to believe that she was a terrorist. The fact that she was expecting a child and - as Kane told him - was very concerned about her child's well-being, she might really have her priorities. Just like Clarke did. After all, Clarke was a mother now, too. Or was she? Somehow it just didn't get into Bellamy's head to imagine Clarke in the role of a mother. Neither Clarke nor Madi behaved like the classic mother-daughter concept. And it didn't matter at the moment, because Bellamy realized that he would have plenty of time to delve into Clarke and Madi's past and their relationship. He had already forgotten so many things because his mind was literally flooded with thoughts. But he still needed a plan. He thought of a concept he could discuss with someone. Like Echo, Clarke and Madi. Make a plan so they didn't have to.
He came back to his plan. The status quo was that Raven, Miller, Monty, Harper and Emori were assigned to run the bunker. Miller, along with Brell, was in charge of Wonkru's soldiers, specifically guarding and immobilizing the Eligius prisoners. Hopefully, once Clarke was back on track, she would have a good and rational idea of how to deal with this. Right now he was very concerned by Madi's attitude towards them. Not that she was wrong for her feelings and reasons, but as always something told him that this wasn't the only solution. This wasn't their way after all. The bloodshed was over. Hopefully once and for all. Then he looked back at Madi. For a moment, he almost forgot that he had made her commander and that she would have the last word on whatever plan he or basically everyone else came up with. And Clarke was the only person who really could convince her, except for Lexa who hopefully was really there and helping her. And therefore helping them all.
"I'll wait here" Murphy said while noticing that Bellamy was about to sink into his thoughts.
"Of course you do," Bellamy replied. Then he looked at Madi, "Do you want to get your things or get the food first?"
After a moment of silence, Bellamy raised his voice slightly. It was enough to snap Madi out of her thoughts and get her attention.
"Uhhh What was your question?" She asked him after she realised she couldn't improvise and pretend she had listened to him. She had no idea what he had just asked her, or anything else that might have been said.
"Do you want to get your things first, or should we get something to eat first?" he asked the same question again. He knew that Madi also needed someone to talk to about everything that had happened. Someone who wasn't Clarke, because Madi was too attached to her to talk with her about how she felt. Clarke couldn't heal Madi's emotional trauma with hugs and expressions of love alone. As touching and sweet as they were. She needed professional care. Like Abby or Jackson. And Gaia of course, since she was the flamekeeper and the closest what came towards a spiritual guidance. But first she had to be fed and brought back to Clarke. For now, Clarke was the safest place for Madi. Bellamy realized she wasn't in a condition to be without her for too long. When Madi would be busy for a few moments, he hoped to finally continue his conversation with Clarke. To finally get rid of their problems and issues. To start over and erase the last few weeks from their minds. "Echo..." Suddenly Bellamy wondered how Echo and Clarke would get along. At this very moment. He hadn't thought this plan through. They just had to come to terms with each other. There was no plan B.
"Let's get the stuff first," Madi finally decided.
"Got you. Then let's go," he said, "Murphy, when Shaw's done, tell him to call us right away."
"Sure," Murphy quickly confirmed.
"Madi?" Bellamy asked her again to make sure he had her full attention. She looked up at him. "I forgot to ask your permission," he said. Murphy made an all too familiar face at him. It shouted at him, asking why he had to ask her permission now, especially since she didn't seem to care about this plan at all, or even intervene to forbid it. "If she objected, she would have said something", his face told Bellamy from a distance. "Permission?" Madi asked him irritated, "For what? Her mind had been working for hours, her stomach ached from hunger, and she was as tired as she had ever been. A few weeks before she was wandering through the valley, picking berries, and now she had to decide practically everything. It was exhausting. Finally she remembered that it was about their trip to the ground. She couldn't really think about the pros and cons of this plan. She wasn't even a pilot and wasn't familiar with such things. Like the risks. There were probably a lot of risks. But fortunately the decision was still quite easy, because she trusted Bellamy and everyone he trusted, because Clarke trusted them. "I trust you, Bellamy," Madi said, "I trust all of you. If it's safe and you want to go, do it. I'm fine with it".
"Thank you. I have a few things to tell you about this plan, but first let's get your stuff." Now they had official permission. Just in case. Now the rest of the planning could be done. Now he was eager to plan it together with Clarke, Madi and Echo as soon as they were back. Murphy's expression softened, but he still remained slightly annoyed. Murphy's face told him that he had just gotten lucky. If he didn't see Emori soon, he would definitely be the next train wreck.
"Good. Murphy, do you wanna get something to eat with us?" Bellamy asked him.
"I'll catch you there. I just need a moment to rest," he said, making a painful expression as he lowered himself onto some cargo crates temporarily stored on the bridge.
"Right. Come Madi, we go now. The sooner we get back to Clarke," Bellamy said as he pushed her gently towards the entrance portal. Clarke was the magical word which always caught Madi's attention. Without Murphy, their pace was much quicker. Madi adapted to his fast pace, though he tried to make sure she didn't fall behind.
"Do you think Clarke and Echo are getting along?" Bellamy asked her, after they walked for roughly a minute. Partly because he wanted to break the silence, partly because he was slioghtly worried. He fervently hoped that Clarke and Echo would get along. This was important not only for their work together, but also because he wanted them to become friends. Or at least good acquaintances. And Madi seemed to have the same wish. Otherwise, he could find no explanation for her touching efforts to bring them together. He slowed his pace so that he and Madi could have a more relaxed conversation.
"You mean like becoming friends or…?" Madi asked him.
"That's probably more than I could ask for. For now, I just hope that Clarke and Echo can get along with each other. And work together. Without you and me as a reason. Hopefully they manage to talk about a few things." He paused and shook his head "Echo and Clarke... It's just..."
"Complicated. I know" Madi finished his sentence "Echo tried to kill Clarke. In front of my eyes. And one time before. And I made my point to her. If anyone - including her, but even you - tries to do that again..." Madi explained. Not wanting to sound intimidating again, she added, "But I have a feeling she did it because of you. And I think she was honest when she made her promise. Echo was just mad because she didn't know Clarke's reasons for leaving you behind. That it was because of me. Now she knows..."
"Yeah. I hope they come along with each other. We should probably clear things up for the future," he smiled at her. It was a forceful smile. He only hoped that she was right. That Echo wouldn't do this again and that she only did it because she was really angry at Clarke. For almost killing him. He loved them both, equally and to the extent that if he was ever faced with a situation where he could only save one but not both, he would probably crack.
"She made a promise. You were there. Don't you trust her?" Madi reminded him, snapping him out of his thoughts.
"Yes, I do. More than anyone. With Clarke, of course. So, yeah. It just feels weird. Positively weird." He said
"Wouldn't you have done the same?" Madi asked, now genuinely interested.
"What? Killed someone?" He asked back in shock "Are we really that crazy to always think about murder? I can understand those feelings but… "
"Yeah. Like if Echo had got hurt. Or almost killed. Like Clarke now. Don't you want revenge?" Madi asked him, not letting up. His objection seemed to bounce off her.
"The one who shot her is already dead" Bellamy remarked
"I didn't mean him. But yes. It's better for him that he's already dead, because otherwise..." Madi looked at him, "I mean him. McCreary."
Bellamy sighed. Of course. He had already feared that she hadn't forgotten McCreary. She was in charge now. And if she were to order his execution - or worse - take matters into her own hands, no one, except perhaps Clarke, could stop her.
"He'll get his punishment," he assured her. McCreary was still being held in a secure area of the bunker. The only thing keeping McCreary from being slowly tortured to death by Madi was that she wouldn't leave Clarke's side for too long. And hopefully Clarke wouldn't be as thirsty for revenge as her adopted offspring. She was the voice of reason, because the flame wasn't helping. And it made sense. If anything, only Lexa would interject her word. But Lexa loved Clarke. And probably did so through the flame. After all, Lexa had ordered Finn's death back then. So it made sense that Lexa was just as ruthless and merciless as Madi in this matter. Another thing Bellamy hadn't considered in the heat of the moment when he had given the flame to Madi, and which now threatened to take revenge. "This is not good..."
Killing McCreary, as much as it was justified, would cause a lot of problems. He was dangerous. The backlash it would cause among the other prisoners and the people of Wonkru was his greatest concern. What if they wanted to take revenge on Octavia as well? Even after everything she had done, this was not what she deserved. She was his sister, after all, and a part of him still loved her. Unconditionally. The question of keeping McCreary as a prisoner, banishing him or even killing him also crossed his mind. Although it wasn't his first priority right now. He trusted their guards, but this made him even more convinced that Indra should definitely come to the bunker as some kind of backup. Again, of course, if Madi would allow it. But he wanted to discuss this with Clarke and Echo. So that they could also express their thoughts in front of Madi.
They walked for a while before Madi asked him something.
"You're not really mad at Clarke anymore, are you?" She said with a worried voice.
"No, of course not. I was, but only shortly. And now I realize that I was wrong to be. She was wrong too, but I failed her" He reassured her, "Everything is fine now between us. At least I hope so. She's my friend. And she'll always be."
"It was our fault," Madi said, "I would have done anything to save Clarke. Anything. She's still mad at you"
"Yes... I can't blame her. I should have realized how much she loves you. Six years is a long time to bond. I haven't even known her for more than half a year. When you get right down to it" he sounded bitter when he said that. This realization struck him. But it felt so much longer. "And I should apologize to you as well. For pressuring you to take the flame"
"It's okay, Bellamy. It really is. At least now I can make sure that Clarke is alright, and that she can take her break. With your and her friends help we can help everyone"
It was a very long time indeed. For her account Clarke did her best to make this time the best time of Madi's short life so far. And Madi felt, but actually more hoped, because she never asked Clarke about her feelings on this, that she was feeling the same. Actually she only had good memories of their time, with only minor exceptions. Another reason why Clarke meant so much to her. She was never mad at her. Never more than a few minutes. Even when she threw tantrums and screamed and yelled at Clarke.
"But isn't that a sign of how much you love each other," Madi replied, trying to lighten his mood, "that even though you've only known each other for this short time, you still care so much for each other. After all this time."
"Yes, I know. But still. I can't believe it all happened so long ago." Bellamy said while remembering certain moments from their past. Just as he was about to say something else, he realized that they had already arrived. He looked at the door sign. Quarters 0032, where his day had begun more than an hour and a half ago.