23 CHAPTER 22: THE CRACKED BOTTLE(2)

"So, you really have come brat." As soon as I enter the library, the old man greets me in his own way.

"Yes, I would like to see the black book again, please."

"I don't understand why you are so persistent with that useless book. Well, not my problem." Excafol looks at the table where I was sitting yesterday. He left the book there. I sit and start reading without any further comments. This book is truly incredible in its own way.

The one who wrote it explains a lot about Angas. How to use and improve it seems so natural to him. After reading about twenty pages, I finally see one of my objectives written. How to invoke Angas without the goddess's blessing:

'Angas should be felt by the user the same way as blood circulating in your body or the air you breathe. We have already explained that. Now, to invoke it and connect to the universe, It is important to know that emotions will play a big role. Scholars tend to say from prior researches that the type of Angas you will use depend on your origin. Titanies will be connected to earth and fire because of their black skin. Syldavians will use water because of their blue eyes, and so on. However, I don't think it has an impact.'

I don't really understand that. Does it mean I should be able to use earth and fire Angas or not?

'You should and can be what you want. The method I advise is the same I have used, and it worked. The steps are simple, but I will admit, difficult: listen to your heart, find the deepest emotion that dwells inside, and from there, release it. Those will be the easiest steps. When you release your deepest emotion, you will lose control of your body.'

lose control of my body? Like fainting? THis guy can't be more accurate?

'At that moment, you must feel a surge of emotions and power your body. If you don't, your emotions are not strong enough or they aren't the right one. When you feel it, let it enter. The pain will be tremendous but focus your mind on something that will keep you from going mad. Do so until the pain goes away by itself. I have resumed that method in one sentence: FREE YOUR BODY, DISCIPLINE YOUR MIND. Everything you will learn in the rest of this book depends on whether you can do that or not.'

***

"Oi, kid, are you still there? You have been staring at the same page for a while, are you finally giving up trying to understand anything?" While I am reading the instructions of the book, Excafol calls out to me.

"No, I haven't, I am sure there are at least one or two sentences that can be understood here." I will play your game and act like I don't understand anything, either. That's what you get for calling me a kid over and over.

"Yeah, yeah, if it helps you sleep. Anyway, I will close for today. You should go back to your home." My home, my home…

"Okay, I understand."

In the middle of the night, in my room. I sit on my bed. I have rested enough. Now, it is time to apply the concepts of the book. I try to think about my parents, my village, Tatiana, and everything that has happened to me up until now. When I do, I feel an immense rage inside me. I WANT TO SHOUT, TO DESTROY, TO SLAY.

I let that rage takes control without thinking about anything. But, I can't feel anything as described in the book. I try to think about my life; even more, the rage keeps increasing but still nothing. And suddenly, in my mind, I saw it. That day, when I was four years old, mom was stroking my head gently while I was sleeping on her lap. Dad was sitting right next to her. We were in a field after the harvest. It smelled like corn. And mother said something while patting my head.

***

"If only he knew how blessed we are to have him in our lives."

"If he knew, he would be more capricious, I am sure."

"He is not like you, dear."

"Ahahah. Yes, I know. He is unique, after all." Unique... Blessed... Happiness... So they were happy that I exist? They were happy that I was their child? Then why? Why? WHY?!!!! What did I do wrong? Why did you abandon me? Why did you? Why?!

***

I understand now. It is not rage that dominates my heart. It is sadness. To know that my parents loved me but discarded me. To know that Tatiana asked me to kill her because she was suffering. To know that the villagers were all killed even though they did nothing wrong. I thought it made me mad, but I was just…..I WAS JUST SAD.

Right when I feel an incredible wave of sadness invading my heart and body, I hear something.  Something cracks somewhere. Is it far away? Is it right here? I can't seem to understand what that sound is and where it came from. I try to turn my head to see if something falls into my room. And everything turns black.