Is This Love?

Love, a simple yet complex notion. Something that has a Distinct denotation for every human being. From childhood, I had never dreamt of wanting something so deeply that I loved it so. It was just a word I threw around because I felt that I had so much of it. Since maturing to a sixteen-year-old girl I think about it all of the time. Almost as if it was just as valuable as air. If I go too profound in my imagination I feel as if I'm a lost dog awaiting a home so near yet so far. My heart was brittle to the outside world. Dubiety kept it from trying anything new because I had been broken so many times before. As I began to mature I thought more and more about the feelings I had. Soon these odd feelings became my reality an unquenchable thirst for something more than just feeling more than just love more than just a kiss.

I felt that I needed Lei just like I needed oxygen. So many of my friends left me so why risk it with a friend. If I put trust in someone I want to be with them forever. Just as my parents will be together forever I need to find someone to love me no matter what. The night before entering the skating rink on that complicated evening I washed my hair, my face put on deodorant, and got dressed In clothing that I felt confident in. Although the woman in the mirror kept my thoughts deep in the soil. As I entered the roller rink that evening I was excited, almost blissful at the situation that has shown itself to me. with the red and purple lights beaming across the smooth oak wood and hard thumps of the erotic skating tricks. Flamboyant rainbow walls and chortling children. Wow-what a sight. It reminded me of the times when I would hide in the corner of a room to be unnoticed in situations such as this. "got your skates!" Lei bounds towards me with skates in her hands. "Thanks!" I yelled with a gleaming smile. Once tying each skate super tight I stood up while Leigh immediately grabbed my hand and dragged me towards the rink. With my hand tightly grappling hers, I stepped one by one onto the slippery ground. Almost falling backward before Lei grabs my hand. We glided across the rink holdings Hands suspiring to the music & beaming at each other. The rink was such a jubilant place filled with the buoyant teens of Garvish, And a few vexatious kids as well. Nonetheless, it was difficult to think deeply or even observe the area with Lei around. She took the spotlight and let me join in. We were the stars of the movie. She abruptly let go and started dancing beside me. Without hesitation, I began to dance with her while we sang out loud together. A whirlwind of emotions came over me as if I was being given something so valuable yet so dangerous but I mustn't let it go because I would never get this chance or a person like this again. My mind numbed as The lights changed at every hook in the song. time slowed and my heart filled, all I wanted to do was kiss her. The only person who mattered was the person right beside me. All of this time I believed that my one destiny was to live a life of absolute obscurity but came to find out I was wrong. These emotions aren't artificial love that you throw to anyone that is willing to catch it. It was the kind of thing that just can't be explained, something that only an idiot would lose. Once the song ended time sped up as Lei said she was going to the bathroom. Once away, I felt awkward in the middle of the floor without her, so I quickly exited and headed towards the concession stand. I ordered: two blue raspberry slushies & a jumbo pretzel for the both of us to share. I waited at an empty table drinking my slushie watching the ticket master take shots from across the room. Fifteen minutes passed and she was still in the bathroom. I grabbed both slushies and eagerly skated into the Bathroom on the multi-color carpet. Upon opening the door I witnessed Lei and another Girl Hugging. Almost lovingly. My Blood began to boil and my eyebrow twitched. Before shutting the restroom door Lei looked up at Me as I threw down both slushies on the bathroom tile and skated away from the situation. Without saying a word to Lei who was yelling my name from the bathroom I ran out into the cold parking lot, coddling myself from the cold crying on the way to the subway. I felt jealous and angry. Why was she hugging

some girl? Was I a good enough friend? Will that random girl goes to my school and sabotage my relationship with Lei? As my mind conjured up these thoughts I became more vexed. Before going down into the subway I conjured up enough anger to kick the subway-tiled wall along the side of the stairs I kicked harder and harder until running out of

energy and falling backward. Hitting the back of my head on the hand railing and fell unconscious "Ow!"

Not knowing how much time had passed I woke up to the darkness of the sky and the brightness of a street lamp. I'm still here. My body was numb from the cold. I stood up to walk down into the subway. The ride home was blurry as I fell asleep the moment I sat down. Drifting into dreamland pacified my fears, letting my body rest kept me from feeling my bruised toes and tender head. This was my life, a series of ups and downs like a rollercoaster that has fewer ups than downs. My stop was conveniently the last stop playing a loud noise letting the passengers know that they have to get off. Although my head felt the pain of the noise I was finally home. Outside it was raining and dark. The journey felt arduous but making it to my warm bed was worth it falling deep into my silk covers with my wet Clothes felt nice like a warm embrace saving me from the world outside. My body lay there dead listening to my breath thinking about what Leigh was doing. As mad as I was towards her. I still wasn't. Never will be.

Once my phone came back alive, text messages and missed calls filled my lock screen. "What did I do?" "I'm sorry" was sent repetitively by Lei along with 18 Missed calls. Although denying it at the time I was in denial and answering her immediately would go against my morals. I wanted someone to want me just like I wanted them. A bond so strong that it couldn't be broken by anything, especially a random girl. My eyes started to water as the hole my corpse lay in was

deep, cold, and lonely. Filled with clothes scattered around my dark box. I felt so desperate I could take love from anywhere at this point so I kissed her.

I'm not gay. I like boys. It's just what guy would ever want to go out with me? I need someone and I need them right now. My insecurities grow deep within my veins as my hair is too curly short to tie in a ponytail too frizzy to look nice I feel that I will never be able to get a boyfriend with how it looks especially with these plump cheeks no man would ever kiss an unattractive liverish stubby girl. Such as myself. I believe myself to be someone who will never have a life partner, but if I'm dreaming alone in my room gawking at the ceiling like some kind of lunatic. I can feel the warmth of a hug arms wrapped around me as his body stands lovingly behind me kissing the top of my head whilst we both look out of our studio apartment watching as fireworks in the sky burst glowingly with our names etched in. My what a lovely thought. This mysterious man I speak of would turn to me and smile his eyes would wrinkle as freckles bounce up to his rosy cheeks a bright white smile would dazzle me as his dark romantic eyes stare lovingly into my soul his curly hair would comfort me and remind me that although my hair isn't straight and silky. It's curled to perfection just how it's supposed to be.

But of course, my fantasy confidence is only something I achieve in my highest of bliss. When my body begins to paralyze itself I try to find a brisk fix to my crippling thoughts. The first time I had booze was last summer ( a month ago ) It was an accident I thought it was water so I drank the whole cup my throat burned and my heart rate rushed. One bottle later I lay there in my room for two days unconsciously living my life without my parents noticing. Within the span of those two days, my mind wandered to a place it had never gone to before. For only a moment it seemed to have gone to a bright light it was hard to make out but a scene of joy. But after that, my mind went back to how it was. Oh, what I would give to live in this place permanently.

I had become addicted to things such as this to escape my harsh reality. After lighting a few matches that night I needed something more to clear my head so I could escape if only for a moment. I walked towards the dimly lit living room to find a liquor cabinet filled with every kind of drink known to man. I grabbed a few despite the fact of not knowing anything about the names rapidly the drips of slightly opened gin dripped on the floor as I quickly ran towards my room to hide the evidence. A glass or seven sent me back to sunshine. I was so intoxicated that the walls around me expanded and I started to fly I floated so high That I instantaneously teleported to Lei.

Of course, I didn't truly fly but most of it was a blur. So flight is the only way it can be described. Across from Morfrane lane was a little pizza shop titled $1 a slice. There she was at one of the two-seat tables sitting alone consuming a slice of pizza. I floated or ran into the shop and kissed her without any dialogue. Warm. soft. Perfect.

my body was limp As I sat In my first-period class. It had just begun and already Mr. Bennett was rambling on about something. My head began pounding and my eyelids drifted down to their closing point I opened them again suddenly not wanting to be called out pretending to look at my textbook I hung my head on my right hand and gazed at the book fruitlessly before closing my eyes once more my head fell out my hands and something else. Soft yet brittle it felt to the touch, A lock of my hair came out. As I teared up Mr. Bennett called on me to answer a question. "Samantha, why was this book so important for what we are learning" "umm.." I began to mutter "It was important because" I muttered once more. A tunnel so dark not even the bravest of persons could conquer it why can't they understand I'm not ok I never have been and don't feel like I ever will be no amount of counseling could ever fix that. why can't I do anything right it seems as if my life wasn't meant for me why am I here can everyone just leave me alone, please.