10.10

"Good morning." Helena smiled softly, approaching Arizona at the nurses station. "We're going in on Frankie today, right? With Russel?"

"Yeah. How are you, Lena?" The blond woman asked.

"I'm fine." She nodded. "I was happy just to be nominated."

She was not, in fact, fine. She'd gone home as soon as possible, and had the panic attack she'd been feeling coming on all day in Mark's arms. She'd cried and she'd stayed up most night, because she felt like a failure, like she'd let everyone down.

But she'd pulled herself together. She'd reminded herself of how amazing it was that she was nominated in the first place. And, now, she was trying to convince herself everything would be ok.

"You know, you should have won. Either you or Yang, it was supposed to have been one of you. You deserved it." The blond nodded.

"It's... it's what it is, I guess." She shrugged.

Helena could understand if Cristina had won. She could, because she genuinely thought that their projects were equally as good.

What she couldn't understand was how neither of them had, after everyone had told them they were the front runners. After everyone had treated them like they'd already won, even their competition.

——

"Good morning, everyone." Helena smiled under her mask, entering the OR, for the surgery scheduled for before Frankie's heart transplant.

"Good morning, Dr. Campos." Russel let out. "Have you heard anything about Yang, yet?"

"No, not yet. She must still be asleep, I'm guessing." She smiled, trying to hide the fact she knew how hard her person had taken the loss.

"Tough loss last night, Campos." He told her. "Must have stung. Better luck next time."

Something in the head of cardio's tone wasn't genuine, it was almost as if he was happy she hadn't gotten the Harper Avery. It was almost as if he was gloating, his jealousy clear.

"Oh, it was an honor just to be nominated. Not many people are. Especially if you consider I was the youngest nominee ever... well, not many people can say that, can they, Dr. Russel?" Helena shot back, her tone now colder and more unforgiving.

Helena tried to be as nice as possible, but she didn't let people walk all over her. She stood her ground, and that's how she'd gotten this far, despite people's doubts.

"N-no, I guess not." He muttered.

"Alright, people." Helena turned to her OR staff, her voice once again soft. "Let's change a life, today. Ten blade, please."

——

Helena sat with Meredith and Derek in an exam room, a burrito in her hand, the man looking at a head CT.

"I mean, they screwed you! And I was ready to make a scene, but you two just sat there in your seat... you clapped for him. They applauded him, Derek." Meredith vented.

"We're not sore losers." Helena shrugged.

"You aren't losers, you were ! And now I can't even get ahold of Cristina, she could still be in Boston, she could in Mexico..."

"She's in OR 1." Derek informed.

"Thank God. But you... you're acting like nothing wrong, and a lot of things are wrong! One of you should have won!" The blond let out.

"Let's just... I have to go, I have surgery." Helena left the room, under her breath.

She knew her person was only looking out for her.

Still, all she wanted was to put this loss behind her, to be able to move on. She didn't need everyone reminding her of how she'd failed.

——

"Arizona, you need me?" Helena asked, approaching the woman, who scrubbed out of surgery.

"Yeah. UNOS called. Let's go get Frankie's heart."

——

"The last time the of us were on a plane, together-" Arizona started, the two in the private jet.

"Uh, ok, let's please not talk about that today." Helena requested, with a dry chuckle.

"No, no, the last time we were on a plane, alone. The first patient we were on together." Arizona started. "We were on our way to pick up a liver and a small bowel, for a ten year old."

"Yeah, I remember." She nodded.

"When we were coming back to Seattle, that's when I knew you'd be great." Arizona told her mentee. "I knew you had the skill, the talent. But you were having a nightmare about the patient. That's when I saw how much you cared. And how invested you were. I knew you'd be a good surgeon. But that's when I knew you'd be great. Probably greater than anyone I'd mentored so far. And you are. You still are. This doesn't change that, Lena. No one but you can change that."

At Arizona's words, Helena sniffled lightly, her eyes filling with tears. "You know, all my life, I've always been so worried about being the best version of myself. Being moral, being kind, being smart, being a good professional, a good mother, a good wife... being , I guess. Never failing, at anything. So I studied harder than anyone ever since elementary school. I was the kid that asked for extra work in high school, even if I already had a perfect GPA. I had to work on not giving too much to relationships in which people don't give the same back, I learned that through my college girlfriend. And I drown myself in articles and books about everything, about my speciality and others, about motherhood, about self improvement. And it's not that I don't enjoy them, I really do, but it also makes me anxious that I can never know enough, do enough, enough... Because I feel that being anything short from perfect is letting everyone down." She shook her head, a tear rolling down her cheek. "It's stupid, but it's true: I've always felt the weight of the whole world on my shoulders, from when I was a little kid. Like I owe everyone this unattainable version of myself. Like, if I'm not great, all of the time, then I'm somehow unworthy... But the thing about wanting to be perfect is that, no matter what you do, it'll never be good enough. Because when you feel like you have to be perfect, it's impossible not to fail in that pursuit. So when everyone expected me to win the Harper Avery, and then I didn't... I feel that much more unworthy, that much more like an impostor."