Tale #25: How I Wish

You said it when the first autumn leaf fell. The breeze was a bit chilly and we could see our breaths turn into a fog-like effect. The silence was both calm in the place and yet also an awkward one. The park was empty since it was a weekday and children aren't allowed to go outside as it was cold, fearing that the kids might get sick— catching common colds and whatnot,

You said it so straightforwardly and abruptly at that. Out of the blue and out in the open, you almost shouted even. And after that, you froze as I did, head low and hands trembling a bit. I can still see how your ears turned red— probably from the embarrassment after saying it but, at that time, I thought you were kind of cute.

My reply was…. What you thought was the worst case scenario. I explained to you that it is not because I like someone else, but because the concept of it is so foreign to me and I know in myself that I have to familiarise it with myself alone, and not by using anyone else. You told me that it's okay, that it was expected— the worst case scenario— and you said sorry; when in fact I should be the one doing so.

I caused you pain after all.

You turned your back to me and started to walk away, bidding me goodbye and 'see you at school' with a small wave and smile. A sad smile, and it did not escape my eyes as I saw how droplets of tears started to flow on your cheeks as you walked further away. My ears still caught your sobs and hiccups that you try so hard to suppress by covering your mouth with both hands.

It hurts but, truth hurts, right?

A week later, we saw each other again in the gymnasium for our collective physical education. We were in different sections but we shared two classes together: Science— the one I'm good at, and English— the one you excel at. We always helped each other, for some reasons, when one was having trouble understanding the topic. At times, we catch each other seated side by side; I didn't know you viewed me in another light… and still here I am seeing you in the same colour of spotlight.

How your face contorted from surprise and into an expression of pain made me want to walk to you and hug you for comfort… but that would just give you mixed signals. We were about to ignore each other until one of your friends noticed me and you looking at each other. They made you wave to me and I felt like I had to wave back. I gave a small smile, you gave a pained one. They were about to push you towards me…

Saved by the bell, the lesson started.

Two days later we saw each other again in the cafeteria. Everyone must have noticed by now how we avoid each other and whispers always follow us. We don't sit with each other anymore at our shared classes, not even help each other with our homeworks. Everyone sensed how we drifted apart from each other. And I guess your friends knew about it too.

They give me a mix of glares and sadness on their eyes as they eyed me while walking down the hallways. You have a nice set of friends. They were shielding your view of me, they were distracting you when I passed by so that you wouldn't see me and feel pain again. I am thankful that they are there for you.

Three weeks later and I guess you moved on. Your smile… that same cheerful smile back then came back now. You were back to being the cheerful and happy-go-lucky you. You're enjoying English and Science again, though we don't share those classes anymore. I requested to be transferred to another time slot… so that the reminder of the pain you felt won't be there with you anymore.

One month after and we completely strade off each other's life. We are now complete strangers. We may pass each other in the hallways or be in the cafeteria at the same time, but we treat each other as strangers… we treat each other like we don't know the other one. And I guess that's fine, that is okay, this is for the better.

Two months later and it's Christmas Break. I am now sitting at the park, the same park where you confessed your love to me and here I am all alone, swinging back and forth and rethinking the decisions I made that day. Knowing full well that it's better to reject you rather than pretend that I can reciprocate your feelings for me.

How I wish I could reciprocate… but we both know it would just be lying.