Whatever happened to AJ Melan?

One year ago, Stormhaven...

AJ Melan, the Australian hero of the Sowei revolution, was ready to set off into yet another grand adventure. Wearing a striped Hawaiian shirt, his baggy cargo shorts and his very unprofessional sandals, and now sporting while bandages over the back of his head, the man stood over the port of Stormhaven.

But he wasn't alone. Anthony Roufail, another veteran of the revolution, was standing right beside him, wearing a t-shirt and shorts. He was also wearing his iconic square sunglasses. 

"Alright, mate!" AJ exclaimed, and yanked Anthony closer. "This is it! We're about to make it big!" 

"I can't believe I let you drag me into another one of your adventures. These are the exact words you said when we joined the Six!" Anthony complained.

"Well, mate, it's not my fault they made a statue of Tom instead of us!" AJ jabbed his finger at Anthony. "Fly high, Tom."

"And what's your maniacal plan this time?" Anthony asked.

"Quite simple, mate! We go around these 'ere islands, we find a spot to lay claim on, yeah?" AJ explained.

"..."

"..."

"And?"

"And we start a farm!" AJ exclaimed. Unfortunately, Anthony didn't see the vision.

"Yeah, dude, I'm pretty sure this is the head trauma from that flying guy." Anthony deadpanned. "Let's just take you to the nearest hospital. I've heard good things about that Kurtis Walker guy..."

"Isn't he a surgeon?" AJ asked.

"Oh yeah." Anthony said. The two then sat in awkward silence for a bit. 

"Hey, you two! What are you doing on the dock!? You don't have a permit!" A random guard yelled out. 

"Oh shite, mate! It's the cops!" AJ yelled.

"Run for it!" Anthony said, and the two started running away, jumping into the first boat they saw; a rugged, old, smelly fishing boat.

"Untie the line!" Anthony yelled.

"Got it!" AJ then pulled out his rocket launcher, and fucking blew up the dock. 

"Wait!" The guard from before yelled. 

"What the fuck was that?!" Anthony asked.

"Don't worry 'bout it, mate. Just start the engine." AJ looked proudly upon his accomplishment.

'I'm so getting fired.' The guard thought.

"Well, first stop; that big island over yonder!" AJ exclaimed and pointed at a big clump of land, and the boat started sailing directly at it.

______________________________________________________________________

The boat reached the first island two days later. The island was barren, with barely any grass on it. Gray, and dull.

"What the hell is this?" AJ shouted.

"Dude... did we steal that boat?" Anthony asked absentmindedly.

"Mate, it's been two days. Did you just figure it out?" AJ said.

"Whatever, that's irrelevant. What is this place!?"

"An island, duh." Anthony stated.

"Why is this under our jurisdiction!? There's fuckin' nothing 'ere, mate! Nothing! Nada! Zilch!" AJ raged.

"That's probably why Francis gave it up so easily. What would he do with such a boring island?" Anthony figured.

"Oh, if only you knew..." Another voice was heard.

"Duke Francis!?" The two men exclaimed in unison. "What are you doing here?"

"Just picking up my belongings from my favorite island." Francis explained. "You see, this is the only place my father ever took me and my siblings for vacation. Ah, those where the days..."

"He took you on vacation here? That's awful!" Anthony exclaimed.

"Oh, this place was once quite beautiful. Then, everything changed when the fire nation attacked..." Francis said.

"What?" AJ asked. "Mate, there's no such thing as a 'fire nation'."

"My little brother was bored, so father gave him a flamethrower and told him to burn the place to the ground. Called himself 'fire nation', that one." Francis explained.

"Yikes." Anthony gulped.

"You were with the ones who put my father down, were you not?" Francis asked.

"Is 'yes' the right answer?" Anthony tugged on his shirt collar.

"Yes. The old bastard deserved it. I bid you farewell." Francis bowed, then took his stuff and left on a small boat.

"Huh." Anthony said. "Neat."

"Okay mate, we should stay here for the night, yeah?" AJ said. "We can set sail tomorrow."

"..."

"..." 

"Why?"

"Because we've been sailing for two days straight, ya dingus! Now go get the camping equipment!" AJ ordered.

"What camping equipment? We just jumped on the first boat we found!" Anthony said.

"Oh, yeh." 

"All we have is 50 buckets of fish and a fire extinguisher, for some reason." Anthony said. "What the hell would they need this for on a fishing boat?!"

"Yeah, let's just sleep on the boat."

______________________________________________________________________

An entire week of sailing later, the pair reached another island. This one was a small desert, occupied by nothing but sand. Despite this, the port of this island was full, so they had to anchor on the other side.

"I don't get it, why did we stop here? You can't plant anything on sand!" Anthony commended.

"Yeah, true." AJ turned to face him. "But ain't you the least bit curious to find out what's going on 'ere, mate?"

"I am curious as to how we stumbled on this island in the first place. The map says it's the third one in the archipelago." Anthony noted.

"Who cares, mate. Let's just find what all of these posers came 'ere for." Following this brief exchange, the two men started walking. 

The Desert Spot island was known for one thing and one thing only; oil. Petroleum ran rampant in the underground of the island, and as such, Derek Jace, the founder of Jace Oil, has set up a gas station in the middle of the island. The oil was extracted, processed and sold at the same location. And since it was in the middle of an archipelago, many boats passed by to refill their tanks every day. And the person taking care of the gas station was none other than...

"Em Banner! What are you doing 'ere?" Asked AJ.

"Work. It's my day job." Banner replied, not even bothering to question where these two came from.

"You work at Jace Oil? Why?" Anthony was confused.

"Bills." Banner deadpanned. "Did you need something?"

"I guess since we're here, we can buy some gas for ol' Boaty." AJ figured.

"Boaty?" 

"I named our boat."

"Real original."

Banner then signaled them, as if asking for money.

"Mate, all we have is 48 buckets of fish and a fire extinguisher. Definitely not money." AJ said. Banner signaled them more eagerly.

"You want the fire extinguisher?" AJ asked. Banner slapped him.

"Oh, the fish! Yeh, I knew that already, mate."

Banner rolled his eyes, as Anthony and AJ went back to Boaty to bring two buckets of fish.

"Pass the gas, and the fish is yours." AJ smirked. Banner narrowed his eyes at him. The two were in a standoff, immobile.

"Oh my god." Anthony said, as he grabbed the two buckets of fish and gave them to Banner, then took the gasoline from his hands, grabbed AJ's shirt collar and started walking away.

Back at the boat, AJ was outraged.

"Where are the 2 buckets of fish?" AJ asked.

"I gave them to Banner for the gas...?"

"No you imbecile! You were supposed to take the gas and keep the fish!" AJ scolded.

"Why would I do that!? You wanted me to steal the gas!?" Anthony asked.

"Yes, obviously!" AJ exclaimed. "Whatever, we can rob him blind later."

"We're staying?" 

"The night, yeah. But we won't spend it sleeping..." AJ said with a mischievous grin all over his face.

______________________________________________________________________

Later that night, Anthony and AJ had let themselves in the gas station again. They had managed to locate the employee dorm rooms.

"Jeez mate, I can't imagine anyone actually living here, with all the smelly gasoline." AJ pointed out.

"I don't mind the smell that much." Anthony shrugged. AJ slowly turned around with disgusted look on his face.

"You are really fuckin' weird, mate." AJ said. "Either way, Banner should keep our rightfully stolen fish in his room, yeah?" 

"Sounds about right."

"So we go in, take the fish, blow up anything if we can, and leave." AJ explained his intricate plan.

"You do realize that if we blow up anything all the gas will also catch on fire, right?" Anthony pointed out.

"Let's just get the fish and get outta 'ere then." AJ opened the door and a bucket full of fish fell on his head.

"Aw, mate! Now I'll smell for weeks! We don't even have soap back on the boat!" AJ complained.

"Don't remind me." Anthony shivered.

"That darned Banner, he knew we'd be back!" AJ said as he kicked the bucket away, revealing a note.

"A note!" Anthony exclaimed. "It says: 'I knew you'd be back. Hope you have soap.'." 

"Well, we're already here, may as well steal his soap." AJ figured.

The two then snuck into the communal bathrooms, and took every bar of soap before snaking out and getting back to the boat.

"How did you even achieve to carry that many, while also carrying all your explosives?" Anthony asked AJ.

"Oh, psh, they're always strapped on me, duh." AJ said.

"Well where are they?" Anthony asked.

"..."

"..."

"Did I say something wrong?" Anthony asked. Suddenly, a loud explosion went off on the island, large enough to make the boat shake.

"We should get going now." AJ said.

______________________________________________________________________

Their next stop was reached another 5 days later, but it was yet another occupied island.

"A speedboat, a pool, a helicopter and a car?" Anthony looked over with his binoculars. "Who the hell lives here!? This more gaudy than Pascal estate!"

"Psh, probably some trust-fund bastard. I say we go over there and teach that bloke a life lesson!" AJ exclaimed.

"What are you talking about?" Anthony asked, puzzled.

"Rob him, of course!" AJ looked proud. Anthony looked weirded out. "Look mate, our criminal record is already as high as Mount Soweiland, so we may as well go down with a bang."

"We are absolutely not robbing this poor soul!" Anthony said, looking like a disappointed mom.

"I dunno about poor, mate, but he's definitely a soul." AJ muttered under his breath.

"I am still curious about who lives here though, so let's take a look, shall we?"

The two men sailed directly into the island, and anchored right next to the flashy speedboat named "Halo". There was a red carpet leading up to the entrance of the mansion. The door was closed.

"Nobody's home?" Anthony asked.

"Just hurry up and jump the fence, ya floozy!" AJ ordered. 

The two found themselves in an outside gym, full with various machines and weights, as well as a man sleeping on a bench, wearing a white tank-top, blue jeans and a pair of very expensive sunglasses.

"Who's this schmuck? What's he doing in this mansion?" AJ asked.

"It could be a hotel..." Anthony guessed.

"Wilbert, what did I say about letting the poor people in...?" The sleeping man mumbled in his sleep. "I don't have any spare change..."

"Poor people!? I'll have you know we're members of the highest class of heroes! Heroes I say-" AJ started going on a rant, startling the sleeping man and making him fall off the bench he was sleeping on.

"Who the hell are you guys?! What are you doing in my house?" The man asked.

"Who am I? Who are you! How dare you disrespect our glorious effort to free you and the rest of this nation from the clutches of that evil king without even offering us a proper welcome-"

"Are you ROBBERS? TAKE THE CAR! I HAVE 7!"

"-you must think you're really great, flaunting your money at alleged 'poor people' you shameless, shameless man!"

"Wilbert! Call the police!"

"There will be no need for that!" Anthony interrupted the chaos. "I'm Tony 'Fail, unemployed."

The man looked at him weirdly.

"But I do adventuring on my spare time. And golf." Anthony said. "And this is my trusty sidekick, AJ!"

"Who's a sidekick, you brick-for-brains nonce?" AJ complained, but Anthony shoved him aside.

"We're here on behalf of his majesty, King Lucius to map out the islands for the new official map of Soweiland!" Anthony explained.

"Uh huh. Angelo Baitanez, professional rich guy. Good to meet you. Unfortunately you're trespassing on Austrian land." Angelo smirked.

"Nuh uh." Anthony said.

"Fuck you mean 'nuh uh'? This is Austrian land!" Angelo exclaimed.

"Not anymore. We took it!"

"How?"

"Say so on some old scrap like 100 kilometers off here." AJ said.

"I dunno if a month counts as old." Anthony pointed out.

"I don't care!" Angelo said. "Get out of my house!"

"Well Mr. Bananas, you'll have to register yourself and that Wilbert guy as Sowei citizens if you'd like to keep this your house, otherwise we'd have to call Detective Owen from down at the precinct." Anthony said.

Angelo then punched AJ into the water.

"Okay, I'll leave. But this isn't the last of Tony 'Fail!" Anthony gloated as he started walking away. "I'll be back! In your dreams..."

Angelo then threw a dumbbell at him.

"In your DREEYYOUCH!" Anthony said as the dumbbell landed on his foot. "Hit the gas, Boaty!"

______________________________________________________________________

Another week later, and the two found themselves on another new island. This one had a lot of ruins on it, and there were various fruit and vegetables scattered around.

"This island sucks! There's no room for me to start my farm with all of these old rocks scattered around!" AJ complained.

"There's a lot of plants around here though. Maybe we can pick up some seeds?" Anthony said.

"Guess we could..." AJ figured. "Let's see, pumpkin, potato, carrot, suspiciously big watermelon..."

"Big watermelon? Dude!" Anthony exclaimed.

"What's it now, mate?" AJ asked.

"Get that big watermelon! We can sell it for so much money!" Anthony proposed.

"Nice idea! Help me pull it out of the ground mate!" AJ said. The two grabbed both sides of the watermelon and lifted it up.

"Wow, this is very light!" Anthony said.

"It mustn't be that good in there, then." AJ figured. "Just leave it it."

"The two let the watermelon away, but it didn't fall to the ground, and instead floated awkwardly in midair.

"What the hell?" AJ said,. confused.

"Uh, dude, I think that's a-" Anthony tried to say, but was interrupted by the big watermelon shrieking, and revealing a ghastly body.

"GHOST!! Quick mate, get the fire extinguisher!" AJ yelled. The watermelon ghost started chasing him around and screeching while AJ yelled obscenities at it.

After a bit, Anthony came back with the fire extinguisher and smashed the big watermelon, making both it and the fire extinguisher explode into a mess of foam and water, and leaving behind seeds.

The ghost stopped in it's tracks and quickly got a pumpkin over it's head to hide it's shame, then his away.

"Aw, mate! Look at all these seeds!" AJ exclaimed. "Help me pick them up! These will be a good haul!"

Anthony and AJ spent the rest of the day picking up seeds, and they stayed the night on the island. The next day, they set sail once more.

______________________________________________________________________

Their next stop, 4 days later, was on a large, grassy island. It was completely empty.

"Well, this is nice, isn't it, mate?" AJ said.

"It is quite nice, yeah. But it's a bit too large if you ask me." Anthony said. 

"There's no such thing as 'too large', mate!" AJ said.

"Don't you think the government will be interested in this island?" Anthony asked.

"I guess you're right." AJ said. "Let's pay a visit to that other island we spotted on the way, yeah?"

"Let's stay the night here first, though. That island is at least another two days back." AJ said.

"We should bring this island up to the others when we get back home." Anthony proposed.

______________________________________________________________________

Two days later, and the pair reached their final destination. Another grassy island but this time much smaller.

"Aw, mate! This is perfect!" AJ exclaimed. "It even has a rock cabin for me to store seeds and whatnot!"

"Yeah, it is really good." Anthony agreed. "Now, help me unload the 28 buckets of fish, and the 20 empty buckets, and the 2 buckets of watermelon seeds."

"Don't forget all my equipment!" AJ said.

"..."

"..."

"What equipment?" Anthony asked.

"Wha- What equipment? The farming equipment you charlatan!" AJ yelled.

"We don't have any. We stole this boat, remember?" Anthony said.

"Oh yeah. Well let's hop on and go back home to get them I guess." AJ shrugged.

"Right now?" 

"Yeah mate, now that we know where the island is it will take us less time to get back!" AJ said.

"You're the boss. Hop in."

Anthony then tried to start the engine. Nothing happened.

"Paddling it is!" Anthony exclaimed.

"..."

"Oh come on!" Anthony yelled in frustration.

"We've been burning all the paddles, mate! How do you think we made all these campfires!?" AJ said.

"So what? We're stranded?" Anthony asked.

"Not necessarily, mate." AJ smirked. Anthony went wide-eyed.

"No." He said. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

______________________________________________________________________

Sowei City Castle, Present Day.

Leo and O'Lop were chilling in the meetings room, doing absolutely nothing.

"I wonder where AJ's been." O'Lop said.

"Don't even get me started on that slinking coward." Leo sulked. "I bet he left because he didn't want any responsibilities."

Suddenly, Detective McCord pushed open the door of the meeting room. It collapsed. Nobody paid it any mind.

"Hey guys, saw an open door so I came in." He said.]

"What's up, McCord?" Leo asked.

"Some of my guys just fished up AJ Melan and Anthony Roufail from the docks." He said.

"Oh, Anthony. Completely forgot about him." O'Lop said. Leo hit his head on the table.