Cutest Distraction Ever

"Shhhhh! Keep qwuiet, I nweed you for something, uwu! You won't be huwrt"

'Aahhhhhh!!! Heeelllppp! A pervert has gotten hold of me!!!'

Obviously, with my tiny body and Kimi-chan being a whale of a man, I cant do anything but who knows, maybe he might loosen his grip or something.

He's been walking for about 5 minutes through some of the back alleyways and staff hallways, stealthily avoiding the staff and guards that regularly patrol Red's Wonderland.

Just from the staff rooms and break rooms that we past could horrify a kid. So much smoke you can't see inside, tattoos all over the mascot's bodies, multiple members doing woof-woof-shake-shake in their costumes and some are even joking about the people who enter using the security cameras in the entrances of the theme park.

It's quite expected though, with low clearances tests for jobs and such. I mean, if you made a theme park that costs over 10 billion won, would you hire top tier employees? Hell no! This isn't Disney!

"MMMMHHHPPP!"

'Ughhh...damn toddler body! Why am I getting tired now!?!'

Feeling tuckered out, I close my eyes and try ignoring that I'm on some weirdo's shoulder being carried like a sack of potatoes. Honestly, I'm not too worried about Kimi-chan since when he was caught, he said he never had the intention to actually harm a child.

...something I don't believe. Come on, you think I'll believe THIS guy? His reputation speaks for itself.

But if I take his word for it, then I still have to worry about one other thing...the press. Those slimy snakes are the absolute worse. They ask you questions and when they publish the story, they can somehow make you look like you murdered 10 kids.

The unwanted attention is certainly bad but if my face goes on TV, there will be an even big problem. That problem goes by the name "scouts". More specifically, child actor or child model scouts.

Look at me, why wouldn't they want to scout me? I'm already famous for being on national TV and when I act in various movies and TV shows, the audience will remember me as that boy that Kimi-chan took...this is what I expect to happen.

Another group of the slimy species but this time, they are slimy foxes. I never trust those people...they give me the chills. Imagine hunting for a "good looking" kid. That's why when Kimi busts into the building, I'll use my secret power!!!

*DDDOOONGGG*

"CHIK CHUK...uwu! Ewveryone! Hwands in the air, this is a wobbewy! A wobbewy of art!"

'...hiding my face with my hands! I know, genius, right? With this, they'll never figure out who I am!!! Mwuahaahaha. And yes, I will not address my kidnapper's way of talking. No, it's not a speech impediment, it's a personal choice'

I've been dealing with writing it for a few minutes, I'm sure the lovely readers can as well, no?

"Eeekkkk!"

"Aaawawawaaa"

"Evewyone! Calm down uwu! Me no likkies huwrting people, uwu. Now, all of the illustratows, stand over hewre"

After he finishes lining up the artists for the comic against the wall, he grabs some paper from one of tables and sits down on a chair.

"Ummmm! I-I'm a b-b-big fan of.... of Red and Friends, uwu! Pwease sign this!"

'....why the hell are you embarrassed?!? You're making me embarrassed! I thought this was some epic action movie with a weird goal but now this is just 10x worse!'

"Eeekkk! I'm sorry!"

'What the hell are you apologizing for?!?!'

Seeing the absolutely sad yet comedic scene of Kimi-chan and the illustrator apologizing to each other for no apparent reason, I see the other illustrators are just as confused as I am.

After she realizes that he isn't threatening her, she quickly signs the piece of paper and he keeps it in his pocket for safe keeping.

"Uhhhh...is there something you wanted?"

"Uuu...Nani!?! e-tooo yada yada, nothing in particular..."

'...they why the hell did you rob this place!!?!!! Aggghhhh! I'm gonna reach into my ears and pour cement into them if Kimi-chan doesn't get it together!!!'

In fact, I'm so annoyed that I could just punch Kimi-chan but no! My identity is a secret and will be kept a secret! I have to endure stupidity for my dignity! I'm not a hostage, I'm not a hos-.

"A-are ya sure? Not money or...I don't know"

"Ahaha...Kimi-chan made an oopsies woopsies, uwu! Tink! You just reminded me! Hands in the air, pwease"

"Y-y-you tied us up already"

"MMMHHHPPPMMM!"

'...what do you even say to this? I'm baffled, honestly. Completely surprised and disappointed at the same time. Kimi-chan isn't the man I though he was...'

[what kind of man did you think he was, you weirdo]

'I mean, it was pretty dramatized and I thought he was much...cooler?'

[ahahahahaha! You're telling me that a man, who put his own future at risk of a drawing of a more naked dog, is cool?]

'Well...now that you put it that way'

Feeling stupid, I start realizing how dumb this really is, it almost seems fake. A robbery for an illustration? Please, calm yourself and find some God to pray to.

I look around from where I am and from where he sat me, I'm facing the entrance door that he boarded up. Turning my head, I notice that the windows blinds are shut, the security cameras are taped an-. Why the hell did he plan this so meticulously?

"Uwu! I want a drawing of a naked Bomi-tan, no haiwr man, rawr! Do it qwuickly or ewlse...uuuuu..."

"Kuh!..my name is-"

"No haiwr, uwu!"

"...yes"

After Kimi-chan fixes up the chair, places papers onto the table and give the illustrator all the various pens and pencils that the illustrators use, no hair still doesn't draw. He's either a brave person or-...oh, I see why now.

"Uuuuu...uwu! Why awre nohaiwr-tan taking so longsies~~~. Kimi-tan is getting impatient! Hmph!"

'Ah, so you are now Kimi-tan from Kimi-chan? Got it got it'

"M-my hands are tied"

"Oh. Ping pong~ sowwy, uwu"

Again, after fixing another stupid mistake, no hair can finally get to drawing. What Kimi-chan doesn't realize is that one of the staff members are calling the police their hands behind their back.

That's how it was told in the new so I assume that it must be at least half true.

"Hey...someone make a distraction and I'll get that landline phone and dial the police"

"Huh? Are you crazy? Why don't you make the distraction!"

"You do it!"

"No you!"

'.....are you kidding? You're going to fight during these trying times? And what happened to the phone thingy? Did they just do this? I mean, it is much cooler if they distracted Kimi and called 112'

"Hoohoo...I'll do it!"

The brave man springs into action and...what? What the hell is he doing right now?

"Aannhh~~ K-Kimi-chan~~ I-I'm...I'm feeling weird down there! Help me!"

'AAHHHHHHH!!! What the hell you son of a pervert! You are a distraction and this is the first thing you come up with? Even your coworkers are confused that they are distracted as well...maybe it isn't distraction though...'

[what in the hell is wrong with your people? Does your 'down there' overheat or something?]

'Huh? Oh nothing. Don't worry about it, Feelie'

"Huh! What's this, uwu! What a cute bulgy-wulgy. Ahehehe..."

'Heh, I see why they changed the story now, huh? What a disgrace... huh, what? Why does the distraction have a semi? Are you kidding? Oh lord nonononono... In nomine Patris et fillii et Spiritus Sancti, amen'

Praying to God seemed to not do anything as that 'bulgy-wulgy' was growing at immense speeds. Meanwhile, one of coworkers got to a phone and start dialing 112.

(In the Police Station)

"And then she said "Ugh! You make things so hard for me" to which I said "That's what she said" bwahahahaha"

""Agagagaga!! Ahahahaha!""

"Man! You are a comedic genius!"

'Mwuahahahaha! Seems like my purchase of 101 Jokes to Make Your Frineds Laugh worked!'

*bbbbbbbrrrinnnngggggg!!!*

"Huh? Another call? That's 2 in less than an hour...think something's up?"

"Hopefully not. I didn't even start with my burger yet"

After setting his burger onto the table next to the phone, he picks it up and doesn't talk for 5 seconds in case there is a kidnapping. After all, a missing child was called in a few minutes ago and maybe this is the kid.

"112, what's your emergency?"

"Hi, we are at the- aannnhh~ Kimi-chan yada~~...."

"....."

"We are at- uwu, you wike dis don't wyou? Ahehehe"

"....."

"We are at the- anngghh~"

'What the hell? Who on earth is Kimi-chan? Some kind of weird pervert, huh? Doesn't sound like the missing kid though'

"At the Creative Bu- ohoho annghhh~ WILL YOU SHUT UP!!!"

"....is there an emergency, sir?"

"Yes, as I was saying. There is a masked gunman who barged into the Creative Building and he has a child with him"

"Are you sure sir? What were those noises?"

"My coworker; he's distracting the shooter who calls himself Kimi-chan"

"Wait! A shooter? In creative building?.....does there happen to be a child?"

"Yes"

'Ohhh my God...this is serious stuff'

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(A.N) hello my fellow readers! I hope you enjoyed this chapter just as much as I enjoyed writing it! Have a good day and stay safe, peace ✌️!