chapter [22]

The next upcoming days Kate, Ed and I were freed from training and went to special education and preparation for assisting the mission. Mr. Gray was the one who led it but occasionally Neil showed up to warn us of every little thing that could go wrong. I kept being polite to him even when the urge of hitting him in the face never died down. Maybe that was wrong but I couldn't help it.

It was way more concerning that as soon as I left the sessions with Mr. Gray, when I left my new appartment or generally whenever I went somewhere else Raven was right next to me. I knew he was supposed to keep an eye on me but still I felt a little awkward around him sometimes when weird thoughts went through my head and I wished I wasn't so imaginative.

"What color of contacts do you like?" I almost jumped in surprise when Raven appeared behind me once again once I left the dressing room next to the gym in the early evening. Our flight to London was the day after tomorrow so by now we had memorized everything that we had to know and the rules we had to follow. However, Raven was never present at the training but always creeped up behind me after it.

"Why are you always sneaking up behind me like this?!" I turned around and slapped his shoulder slightly.

The guy started grinning and continued walking where I wanted to go.

"I have to keep an eye on you after all. So which color?" He repeated his question although I didn't see any importance in that matter.

"I don't care. Brown would probably be the best because that's what's written in my ID." I thought about it for a second before answering that.

"You have to be extra careful on this mission, you know? I'll get in trouble if people find out about you." Raven reminded me and I noticed how he only talked about himself here again. It wasn't like I'd be in even greater trouble or something.

"Find out about what?" We both froze in our tracks and a shiver ran down my spine. Neil... Neil was standing right behind us when we both turned around. His arms were crossed and his usual emotionless eyes were shining dangerously. How much had he heard?

A little worried I glanced over to Raven but he was hiding his panic totally well when he mirrored his brother's pose and raised his eyebrows.

"I asked you a question and if whatever you are talking about is a threat to the mission I ought to know it." Neil stated now sounding even more tensed than before so I could literally see Raven struggling to stand up to him.

If we refused to tell him now, he'd keep an eye on us from now on and that was the worst thing to happen so we had to come up with something that Neil wouldn't question any further. Trust issues had to be a thing in the family.

"Tell him..." I stared at my feet and faked a hopeless tone in my voice.

When Raven glanced over at me his expression showed confusion.

"Rune, we can't-"

"Tell me. Now." Neil interrupted his little brother and silenced him to face me instead.

"We... we are dating and we thought that the others wouldn't accept it because it could influence our teamwork. I'm sorry" I brought those words over my lips as the first thing I could think about. But as soon as I realized what I had just said, I almost broke out into laughter and had to stay all serious with my head down.

For a few moments there was silence coming from Neil before he snorted in disbelief.

"Good try Rune Smith, but my brother would never date someone like you. Especially not a guy so don't test my patience and tell me the truth." He hissed and grabbed my shoulder to pull me closer. The force in his grip was brutal and it made me feel caught with no way to escape. Neil's personality alone was frightening and the way he moved was like a wild tiger.

"No, it's true." Suddenly, I was pulled back causing me to trip so I bumped into Raven. The older shoved me close to him with one hand on my waist and the other holding my hand. It was obvious that he understood what I planned so he went along with it perfectly. His acting was so good that I doubted Neil would still be questioning us... but unfortunately he did.

"Drop this stupid act. You're only making yourselves more suspicious. If it's not important you can just say it, can't you?" He glared at us unimpressed and I felt like being caught in a dead end. What could we do now? Continue the act? Come up with something even more shocking.

Cluelessly, I raised my head to meet Raven's eyes above mine. Just like me he seemed to be contemplating about something.

No, the longer we were silent the worse it'd get.

Being about to come up with something worse than the idea of us dating I turned to Neil again but before I could say any word Raven placed his hand on the side of my face and pressed his lips on mine.

My heart skipped a beat... I wasn't prepared for that. Raven's lips felt warm and soft on mine and his breath tingled my skin. How dared he? How could he just do this to me?! With wide eyes I still stood there frozen before Raven pulled me even closer.

"Play along." He whispered, his voice sounding deeper than usual and after a short moment I realized that Neil was still watching us.

My hands, shaking from feeling butterflies in my stomach, moved to Raven's neck and I leaned more into the kiss. Our lips moved slowly but in synch. It was a light kiss and it was all acting but yet it send such a large amount of emotions through my body that I didn't know if I was even acting or not.

Raven was so gentle and calm, it almost felt unreal.

How did this suddenly happen? What was Raven thinking at the moment?

Even if it felt like minutes the other ended the kiss after about 8 seconds but still let his hand rest on my neck.

"Is this convincing enough?" He asked full on serious while his brother kept a straight face. His clenching fists called him out though.

"Well, I guess it does... It's a disappointment that you allow yourself to get distracted with a relationship while going through the most important time of your training." he ruthlessly answered and I didn't need to look at Raven to know how this must have hurt him.

"I won't get distracted. But I'd prefer if you kept quiet about this to not threaten the mission." Raven hid his upsetting thoughts and for a few seconds both brothers just stared each other in the eye.

"Very well." Neil then finally stated and a huge weight fell from my shoulders when he turned around to go the other way.

"I don't approve of this." He turned around once more before finally leaving around the corner.

When I was sure he was gone in the blink of an eye Raven suddenly let go of me and went the other way without saying a word.

"Hey!" I complained and went after him to grab his arm.

"Fuck off Rune!" His angered voice was like a slap in the face and for a moment I actually let go. Again I went after him. He ran the whole way upstairs and I almost lost him before we reached the right floor.

"I'm sorry, okay? I know it's my fault that you and the others are constantly risking your loyalty to your group. You didn't have to go that far, I'm sure I could have-" I tried to somehow solve this but he didn't let me.

"No, you dumb piece of shit, you can't do anything!" He yelled and came dangerously close when we arrived at the hallway of our apartments. Luckily, there was no one around to hear us.

I had to admit that Raven's words stung a little.

"What do you think Neil will think of me now, huh?! Great idea saying we are a couple, Rune. Really great!" He kept yelling so loudly it hurt my ears and I focused on all his movements that implied total anger.

I felt like shit... I didn't know how much he cared about that excuse.

"I..."

"No, listen! I'm soon going to be in a position with high authority and now Neil thinks I'm wasting time with some girly gay looking dude. Do you know how people will react when he spreads that? Do you think I want to be labeled as being together with someone like you now that I'm finally trusted a bigger mission?!" He asked when smashing his hand into the wall next to me so there were cracks visible.

How could I react to this? I totally felt responsible and I hated it. He had all reason to be mad at me but what could I do? I hated feeling like this and on top of that Raven was glaring like I was the worst human on earth...

It was different when he had said similar things before because back then he was joking but right now every word came out sounding so serious. What did he mean with someone like me...? Did he really despise me that much?

I couldn't deny anymore that I had feelings for Raven... but I wished that I hadn't.

"Raven, I-" Again he didn't let me speak.

"Come on, shut up. What would you know about this? You have no responsibilities like this because your group is fucking dead. You wouldn't understand." He hissed and brought more distance between us.

That comment send me over the edge. How could he speak so carelessly of a whole generation of Falcon gifted ones that were murdered like my parents. I had so much more responsibilities than him as one of the last survivors. I was supposed to bring justice for them and protect all the survivors and on top of that I wasn't fucking stupid so of course I understood what he said.

At that moment I was so angry I wanted to punch him but I never planned on falling that low. Instead that anger turned into frustration and sadness. Of course Raven was over reacting a little at the moment but I knew that he meant what he said.

Blankly, I observed him without saying a word when tears started rolling down my face. It didn't make me feel weak but I wanted to make him see how he wasn't the only hurt person here.

And then... when he finally saw me I smiled at him. I was better than that because if I said something horrible back to him I'd regret it. Swallow up your pride Rune... don't let him get at you.

"Don't worry. We can just act like we broke up again and nobody will ever mention it again. It was stupid of me to come up with the excuse of us dating so again I'm sorry. It must have felt disgusting kissing me judging by the things you said so I'll make sure to make it up to you, Raven.

You're right... my family and group is dead so I don't know much about social status in a gifted group.

It is very nice that you still played along though because it saved me so I'm thankful. See you tomorrow."

With that last sentence I turned around and went into my apartment so fast I didn't even catch Raven's expression anymore.

Bringing these words across my lips with a smile cost me a lot and I didn't know if that was right or wrong.

But I was simply like this. Everytime someone really hurt me I was extra nice to them and pretended like I wasn't hurt but yet made people see that I was. When I thought about it then subconsciously I knew that the other person, Raven must have a really bad conscience now.

If I'd told him about how hurt I was and said mean things back to him then Raven might feel even more assured in his point of view and portray me as the one in the wrong.

But when I answered like just a moment ago he'd quickly realize that he was the one that yelled, offended me and brought me to tears so either he would decide to not care or he'd regret it.

I was already hurt... there was nothing I could change anymore.

In exhaustion I let myself fall into my bed and broke out into tears even more. I hated crying. I hated ending conversations like this but I couldn't stop it because I really was at my limit.

All the emotions caused from events in the past few weeks had bottled up and were now coming at me all at once. This was really one of the worst kind of experiences especially since I had been alone in Germany.

When there was no one there for me that I could speak to I just wished for a soulmate but no one like that existed and even if there was a person like that, I was too stuck up to talk to anyone about my feelings when I was totally at my end.

I wished my mind wouldn't work that way.

{Raven}

Rune's eyes were filled with tears when he spoke with a smile on his face. The anger that was burning in my veins almost completely swept away and I found myself helpless suddenly. How did he always do this?! He must be feeling anything else but content at the moment so why was he smiling?

"... See you tomorrow" he finished with a trembling voice and immediately turned around and disappeared before I could do anything.

"Fuck..." I breathed out finding myself in an empty hallway that was awfully quiet. I felt like an over aggressive parent that just verbally abused his kid...

How did I freak out like that? I wasn't some teen who didn't have his emotions under controll and now Rune was crying. Did I hurt him so much? I only expressed my problem with what he said in front of Neil.

On the other hand what he said had worked and Neil went away... but in order for that to happen I had kissed Rune. I had kissed Rune?!

An unknown feeling of shock took me by surprise and my hand went up to my lips to touch them.

Calm down Raven... you kissed many people in your live without having feelings for them, why should Rune be different? That's what I tried to tell myself but I had known from the beginning that Rune wasn't like everyone else.

For some wicked reason being with him felt different and making him cry felt worse than making Ayaka cry.

I didn't know what to do... should I go into his apartment and apologize or something?

No, I moved my hand back from the door handle and turned around to leave in my room.

It was gonna be alright. Rune wasn't a 5 year old and I wasn't obligated to be nice to him. I couldn't even say what he was to me.