Episode 2: United National Control of Literally Every Superhuman And Monster or UNCLE SAM

I suppose I should explain the whole fucking setting so you can picture it in your frail little minds.

Home for Super Dick and his little pal, Microchip, is located beneath the streets of Cloud City, directly beneath the historic Belle Bell Tower. Named for Doctor Cranston Belle, the first scientist, and thus far the only scientist to replicate the specific genomic sequence that gives ordinary morons super abilities. Thanks to him, superheroes are no longer just born, they are also made.

This world is teeming with superheroes…yet the ghettos of America are still rife with violence…and they are still called ghettos. Figure that one out.

Don't you worry about the good doctor, though. He wasn't killed in some amazing lab explosion that mystically fused his atoms with the replicated hero genomes. The geezer lived to the right bold age of 88 and died from Pneumonia.

Super Dick's lair beneath Belle Tower resembled a twenty year old kids studio apartment, complete with posters of the Kardashian's and lava lamps in every corner. The only saving grace of that dump is the rig Microchip has set up. Thanks to the genius intellect of the man with a small body and big brain, Super Dick's lair was wired to protect the entire globe.

Keep up, where transitioning to a conversation now.

Allow me to introduce to you, Captain North America! The face of UNCLE SAM. The face of America!

Funny story about this moron. Captain North America's Christian name is Reeve Stodgers. The absurd similarity to his comic book counterpart, Steve Rogers, wasn't lost on the menial military grunt turned social media personality.

The social media star played on that connection and his followers, the numb skulls that they all are, ate it up. So, he dubbed himself Captain America. The name Captain America was taken, of course, so Marvel slid into his DM's and threatened legal action if he didn't change his name.

Reeve Stodgers was happy to coalesce.

Ever the orange man supporter, Reeve felt that Captain America was too disambiguous. He needed a new name, one that left no room for interpretation as to which America he represented. After all, one could hear Captain America and think, which one do you represent? North America or South America?

And that is how Captain North America was born. The only thing is, no one told the asshole that Canada and Mexico are also part of North America. To this day he has no clue. I make sure no one tells him because it's too fucking funny.

How this king nitwit ended up in such a high position with UNCLE SAM is just as much a surprise to me as it must be for you. I think when he's done with this conversation with Microchip, he's heading to Dunkin Donuts to get some Avocado toast and make some tiktoks.

"Where's your boy," Captain North America rumbled.

He towered over Microchip, even as the little guy stood in his chair to try and meet Captain North America's face.

He had already asked Super Dick's token disabled crime fighting midget partner three times. The star-spangled idiot was about to lose his temper. I love it when that happens. It reminds me of a child throwing a temper tantrum. Juxtapose that with a red, white, and blue wanna be superhero that takes himself a little too seriously and you can't help but see the comedy. Oh, and Microchip didn't respond, once again.

"What the fuck, Micro! Why won't you tell me?"

"Because?"

"God! There are a lot of things I want to say to you right now and I can't because you are you!"

"Go ahead, say them," Microchip begged.

"You know I can't!"

"Why not?"

"Christ, because…it's because you're a small person."

Captain North America whispered small person, hence the italics, FYI.

"Yes! I'm a midget! My brain is huge and my body is small!"

"Cut the shit, Micro! Super Dick's actions have gone viral!"

"I know," Microchip replied, uninterested.

"Do you know what happened to the last superhero whose actions went viral because they pissed off the twitter Nazi's? Chronologicus. It was 2018. The master of timing responded to an armed robbery. When he got there he came upon a white man and a black man holding a family hostage. Sadly, Chronologicus didn't arrive in time to save the life of the black police officer dead by his car. He did save the family though, by killing the criminals. And what did that get him? Cancelled! Because one of the criminals he killed was a black man. The master of time was deemed racist. Riots ensued. Another five people were killed and Chronologicus hasn't been seen since then. UNCLE SAM can't have what happened to the master of time happen to the greatest superhero in the world. Now tell me where Super Dick is so I can bring him to the image rehabilitation department and try to get back in front of this thing before it snowballs any larger."

Microchip exhaled. "He's…in his room…playing video games."

Video games. Yet another medium I despise more than hemorrhoids. The little fuck boys on their headsets playing out fantasies as if they were actually balls deep in the shit at Normandy. You could take any five of them and place them in a Law and Order Special Victims Unit lineup and they would get fingered one hundred percent of the time. And that would be the only action they've ever seen!

I digress.

Microchip led the star spangled moron to Super Dick's room and allowed him to open the door which was decorated with a poster of Super Dick standing tall on top of the Hollywood sign.

When they enter the room, what do we see? The greatest superhero in the world sitting in a neon green bean bag seat, headset over his ears with the attached microphone next to his mouth, and him shouting down another player from somewhere in Quebec, Canada.

"I told you to use your fractal grenade, hellion2010! Now I have to save my ass and yours! You did throw the grenade? Where did it go? It exploded on the wall right in front of you? I'm playing with a fucking moron! Don't you take that tone with me you little shit! Do you know who I am? I'll eat your God damn soul!"

Hellion2010 is eleven years old, by the way.

"Alright, that's enough of that," Captain North America said, then walked over to the curved 100 inch television affixed to the wall and yanked the power cable from the outlet.

"What the hell, Cap," Super Dick asked. He laughed then added, "I've always called you Cap and you know what I learned today? Cap actually means bull shit."

"What," Captain North America snapped. "No it doesn't."

"Yeah, it does," Super Dick replied.

Captain North America glanced at Microchip then the little guy said, "urban dictionary. He made me check it for him when he got back from his emergency, at GameStop."

"Right, GameStop," Captain North America said, using the word as a kind of mental queue to get his mind back on track. "UNCLE SAM has called you in, Super Dick."

Super Dick stood, holding a big blue bowl of Cheetos and chomped down on one.

"Why? I don't answer to your wanna be SHIELD agents."

"Because of what happened at GameStop! Your rant has gone viral and now UNCLE SAM needs you to come in so we can do some damage control before…"

"Before I go all Chronologicus?" Super Dick scoffed. "Don't worry, Cap, I ain't going anywhere."

"That's all good and well, Super Dick, but let's let the professionals figure everything out."

"What do you think, little buddy?"

Super Dick did value the opinion of Microchip. That's one thing the idiot has going for him.

"I've seen the reactions online," Microchip told him. "I don't really know how to tell you this, but, even Duane Johnson has come out against you."

"What? My God. No, not The Rock, little buddy."

Super Dick actually sounded hurt. I say don't go, Super Dick! Allow the vitriol to build! What I have planned for you, the more the better."

"Okay, I'll go with you, Cap."

"Right choice, buddy," Captain North America told him.

Captain North America removed the red glove from his left hand and tapped the tiny apple watch looking device on his wrist. Several orange sparks popped to life in front of Super Dick's television. The sparks grew in size until they congealed to form a bright orange circular portal, and through it, the inside of UNCLE SAM headquarters and two pant suit wearing women. Neither of them looked pleased as they waited for the superhero to cross over.

Captain North America allowed Super Dick to walk in then he followed directly after. The portal closed once they were through. Microchip went back to his station behind the computers of his massive rig.

"Wow, this place is huge," Super Dick said. "And bright."

UNCLE SAM utilizes greater than cutting edge tech. And indeed it is bright. Think J.J. Abrams Star Trek movies. Remember the bridge on the Enterprise? Like that, but without the damn lens flare.

Look at Super Dick, with his hands on his hips…and, is he? He is…he's pushing his hips forward to make his crotch bulge seem even bulgier. The two pant suit ladies seem unfazed, however.

"That's right," Captain North America replied. "You've never been here before, have you?"

"Nope, never. But based on how beautiful your employees are, I may have to begin frequenting."

The ladies remained stone faced as usual. I like them already.

"I'm Agent Montana, this is Agent Hannah. If you will follow us?"

"Wait one second," Super Dick said, smiling. "Montana and Hannah? You have to start over, but this time, I want you to perform the introductions."

Super Dick winked at Agent Hannah.

"I do not understand your request, Super Dick," Agent Hannah responded. "We have been introduced. To do it again is redundant and time is of the essence."

I must say, I don't understand Super Dick's request, either.

"Please? For me," Super Dick begged.

The agent exhaled then said, "I am Agent Hannah. This is Agent Montana."

Why is Super Dick laughing? The ladies appear confused as well.

"I think he's laughing because of your names," Captain North America continued. "Together they make the name of the show, Hannah Montana, which aired on the Disney channel between March 2006 and January 2011."

For fuck sake. Seriously? And how did that douche know that information off the top of his head?

Agents Montana and Hannah, I'm not saying it the other way, led Super Dick and Captain North America down a corridor and into a large conference room. The room was empty save for a single fold open chair in the center of the room and the wall before it, which was actually a giant screen.

"Sit," Agent Montana told him.

"Okey-dokey," Super Dick replied, then he sat down.

The moment he sat down the wall came to life. It was a live feed of thousands of social media accounts across every social media platform sectioned off into their own area of the screen. Message after message popped on screen as the feeds continued to scroll up or down, depending on what it was showing.

"What you are seeing, Super Dick, are the result of your actions at GameStop earlier today," Agent Hannah said. "Twitter user candilovehandels created the hashtag, Super Dick is racist, and within an hour your antics had reached North Korea."

Agent Montana picked up from that point.

"The biggest stars in Hollywood are trashing you. Everyone from Tom Hanks to Alyssa Milano has retweeted the hashtag, all of which are condemning you and racism, because now the two of you are synonymous."

"I wouldn't call Alyssa Milano one of the biggest stars," Super Dick replied. "What was the last thing she played in?"

"Charmed," Captain North America answered.

"Right," Super Dick said. "She's not big at all."

"What is your point," Agent Hannah asked, annoyed.

"What's my point? What did The Rock say about me? I don't really care about anyone else's opinion."

The windowed sections of the screen wall blipped away, leaving only one tweet from the Twitter account of Duane "The Rock" Johnson. Agent Hannah read the tweet out loud.

"Super Dick was a good friend. I had no idea of the hate in his heart. The news of his racist attack has rocked The Rock to his core. Hashtag, stop the hate, Hashtag, stop Mexican hate. Hashtag, stop GameStop hate. Hashtag, Super Dick is racist…"

"Alright, I get it," Super Dick interrupted. "I can't believe this! He just threw me under the bus without even talking to me!"

"He had to," Agent Hannah sniped. "Or the mob would come for him, as well."

"As you can see," Agent Montana, said. "Your racist actions have gone viral and now you must go on an apology tour. Agent Hannah and I have crafted an itinerary…"

"Hold on a damn second! My racist actions? Nothing I said or did was racist! And hashtag stop Mexican hate? The GameStop employee wasn't even Mexican, so that right there alone is bullshit!"

"You made fun of the employees appearance," Agent Montana told him. "Culturally appropriated the language and caused a massive wreck on your way to buy video games."

"I can tell by the tone in your voice," Super Dick observed, "you really don't like that last one. I'll own that. I didn't mean to, though. Sometimes I forget how powerful I am. Accidents happen. No pun intended."

"Be that as it may," Agent Hannah replied, "your actions have landed you here and now. We all know what being cancelled did to Chronologicus. You are the premier superhero of our time. UNCLE SAM can't allow this to continue."

"Which is why we have planned an apology tour," Agent Montana cut in.

"Like I said, nothing I said was racist, so I'm not going on your apology tour. That's ridiculous."

"You have to," Agent Montana said.

The ladies glanced at one another, then the screen wall blacked out for a second. When it turned back on, Super Dick was surprised to see his mother.

"Dick? Can you see me?"

"What in the hell, Cap? You called my mom on me?"

"We gotta get your head in the game, man. This is serious business. If we don't nip this in the bud it will only get worse. Nike has already dropped you thanks to Colin Kaepernick."

Agent Montana glanced at her cellphone then added while scrolling the screen, "Add to Nike…Walmart, Taco Bell, and some car wash named Daniel's Car Bath, out of Reseda, Los Angeles."

"Daniel is a weird guy, anyway," Super Dick remarked.

Captain North America continued. "We foresee your enemies picking this up and running with it. Imagine a world where someone like Doctor Divine sides with the internet. All of a sudden you are the villain and that psychopath is a newly minted anti-hero ready to rid the world of the greatest racist in the world."

"Dick?"

"Yeah…mom?"

"You do what that Captain America knock off says, you hear me? I know my son isn't racist, but these internet people think they are fighting their generations greatest war. I won't have my only son be dragged through the mud because you melted some snowflake. You follow their instructions, then go on saving the world. You hear me?"

Super Dick mumbled something.

"What did you say? I know you could hear me, but I couldn't hear you."

"…Okay, mom."

"That's my good boy. I love you, son."

"…Love you too, mom."

The screen wall went black again. The room remained silent until Super Dick spoke.

"Well, I guess since you called my mommy on me…what's this apology tour? How does it work?"

"The first stop we have scheduled for you is on Ed Edwards late night show," Agent Hannah continued. "Here, you will answer his questions. Take whatever Ed gives you. This will humanize you to the masses. Self-degradation is your friend in this instance. Immediately after, we will put out a tweet apologizing for your actions in which you swear it will never happen again. You will donate money to the 'stop Mexican hate' fund, then you will mention you are taking time away from social media and the lime light for self-care. We will write it for you."

"Self-care? People are actually going to believe this," Super Dick asked.

"Yes," Agent Montana replied. "Because we are actually sending you to the Himalayas where you will spend the next six months meditating, and we will be capturing every self-awakening moment on camera so we can spread it around the world that Super Dick is now woke."

"Are you kidding me with this? Six months meditating?"

"You do the crime, you do the time," Agent Hannah answered.

"I didn't commit a God damn crime!"

"In the eyes of the internet mini-Hitler's, you did," Captain North America snapped. "Believe me when I tell you I don't like any of this, but these fucking people have our great nation by her ovaries and each and every time someone slips up, they squeeze harder. Do you know what happens to ovaries when you squeeze too hard, Super Dick?"

Super Dick glanced at Agent's Montana and Hannah, then back to Captain North America and answered his question.

"…Bust? I don't know."

"That's right," Captain North America continued. "They fucking bust. That's what is going to happen to our nation if they don't stop."

Super Dick chuckled. "It's weird that you used ovaries in the comparison."

"It's not weird," Captain North America countered. "The United States of America is a female."

"It is?"

"Well, like a female…giving birth to freedom."

"Who knocked her up, then?"

"The Founding Fathers."

"Gentlemen," Agent Montana stated, with a raised voice. "We must get a move on. If the two of you are done with the chit chat, I have the coordinates set for the location of Ed Edwards television show."

Agent Montana tapped the device around her wrist and just like in Super Dick's bedroom, orange sparks popped and crackled until they congealed into a circle large enough for them to walk through. Beyond the portal on the other side was a dimly lit parking garage. Super Dick walked into the garage, followed by the other three, then the portal collapsed.

Ed Edwards is the biggest TV talk show host in the world. And tonight, Super Dick is the main feature. It's all coming together just as I wanted. It could never be any other way, I am me, after all. I am God. The Narrator. I see all. I know all.

No…that's not quite right, is it?

This universe, down to the tiniest atom owes its existence to me, and therefore everything within is mine to fuck with! Yet… Super Dick seems to be immune to my direct manipulation.

This bothers me in case you missed it. It matters not. After tonight, Super Dick will be no more, then we can dispense with one another's presence.

Well, what are you waiting for? Go read episode three so you can see how I kill Super Dick!