37- Feel

I was on the shower for about 45 minutes just looking at the ground while I felt the water droplets hitting my head...

Why did I feel like that?.

Why did my heart felt like that?... Those eyes, the way she said it with so much confidence...

She really means it for real.

I've never thought I would get to see her be so confident about that and say it like it means nothing... No... On the contrary she says it like it means the world to her, she is dead serious.

At that point the water coming out of the showers is so hot to actually endure anymore, I'm forced to actually go out of the shower. Once I'm out I go to my closet to pick my clothes when thinking about what to use, I come to the realization of something, something important was missing from my brain due to the shock from last night. Today is the day that I come back to the laboratory, or that is supposed to be the case if I get called to go inside once again.

Since I woke up extra early, and all that time I was on the shower, it should be...

I look at the clock of my room, indeed, it's still 30 mins before my usual call to work, I'm still yet to receive anything from Alan. Not a message nor a call, I start to worry, my hopes are at the lowest they could ever be, not really because of the lack of communication, that was already there before... But now, knowing that Gustave itself wanted me dead, the fact that she wanted to eliminate me while I was outside of the facility... I HIGHLY doubt that she wants me back at all, I extremely doubt even more that she wants to see me alive in the first place, it's clear what happened before with the previous attempt, but what is preventing her from ordering another assassination attemp?, what is stopping her from just killing me herself?.

I sit on the edge of my bed, still with my hair wet and the towel covering my body, looking at the closet with dead eyes.

Why did I get myself involved in all of this?.

Why did I leave the hospital?.

Why, despite all that, I still wish to come back to the facility?.

Why do I wish so much to see-...

I guess... I guess every answer comes back to her at the end.

I just need to be sure if she is ok, that is absolutely all, I just need to hear it from Alan, I just need to know that all the time I was gone nothing happened to her, nothing permanent at least.

I somehow feel like her safety is my responsibility... Or perhaps that is not it, it's not a sense of responsibility but r-rather...

Okay I'm gonna stop thinking about this stuff I'll just get my usual clothes and if I have to go I'll just improvise something with a lab coat.

[*Fun fact, Cecile doesn't need to use the lab coat, in fact nobody uses it in the facility, she thinks she needs to but she doesn't, and Alan doesn't say anything because he thinks that's just her usual style and goes with it*]

My phone starts ringing, in a mere split second my body jumps to the bed, ignoring the fact that I had half of my shirt still in my shoulders and covering most of my face, still, somehow, my finger finds the button.

-HEWWO?!

-Uh... Cecile?.

-UUUPWAA- sorry my face had a shirt in front of it, who is this?.

-Oh you already don't recognize my face huh, it's okay, I understand :(

-Oh shit it's you Alan, sorry I couldn't hear well under that thing, please tell me what happened.

-Oh nothing much, it's just that a little and absolutely evil bird told me that I could give you the news that you can come to the facility right this very instant.

-...

-Cecile? Are you still there?.

-Yes.

-Whats wrong?, I thought you would be more... Happy.

-Well I... I don't know... I just don't feel like anything happened at all.

-Oh, by any chance are you stressed by something?.

-As a matter of fact, yes, actually.

-Care to talk about it dear?.

-No, don't worry I'll tell you everything but I think I'll do it on person, I'm glad I can actually say it with confidence for once haha.

A fake laugh, I still don't feel anything.

W-well then, I'll send the signal to open a portal for you, how much time do you need to get ready?.

-Just give me 10 minutes, enough to change to something more adequate for working.

-Sure thing!, also, you really have to come here I got A LOT of stuff to show you, trust me!.

-Y-yeah that sound awesome Alan, I'll be there soon.

-See ya.!

The phonecall ends and I'm alone in my room again, there is no sound, no bird chirping, no cicadas on the horizon, no wind nor traffic.

Quiet.

What is wrong with me?. I don't feel anything at all!. WHY?!.

I was looking forward to this for the longest god damn week of my life... And still, I don't feel happy at all, nor do I feel distressed or stressed out or you know.... Anything at all.

I even was so absurdly excited a couple of minutes ago but everything... Gone. No more.

Is as if I just broke my brain, I somehow overloaded myself with emotions. I don't feel anything.

But I don't feel different, my brain seems to work fine, I run a quick scan counting all of my neurons, everything is there and everything is working as intended, physiologically, at least, I can't just diagnose myself with a psychological evaluation, I don't have knowledge on that field apart from just what I consider basic human emotions. And yet I know for sure that there is something so absurdly wrong with me right now.

I don't feel sad, I just... Feel worried, at best, somehow fear is still present aswell.

I only have-.

...

The basics to survive.