35- I can't...

So I ended up screwing all things up because I actually listened to what that voice in my head was telling me, I ended up appointing a date with Mildred despite my whole body telling me this was going to be an absurd and stupid idea.

Well if I already screw things up... why don't just go down with the ship?.

I might as well enjoy it.

But is it really what I want from the bottom of my heart?.

...No, I don't, I don't like Mildred, not like that at least, we could become friends, it's quite fun to watch her antics from time to time but I don't see myself even hugging her in a genuine way.

Yet I feel like I need to go on this date.

Yet, somehow I feel a force dragging me out of that thought everytime I get near it. I feel as if I am in the middle of two people holding my Arms and pulling me from both sides.

The one on the side of Mildred is harsh and mean, it pulls me with strength and it feels painful. the other one feels like it's gently pulling my arm, like if it was just pulling gently from my sleeve, yet it feels just as powerful as the other, but this one, this one doesn't feel bad, It feels natural and nice.

Yet.... I can't figure out who this one belongs to. yet it feels like a safe space.

I'll..... I'll go with Mildred for the time being, I need to clear my mind for the day at least.

But it really is a mess in my head right now... it's as if everything right now is a foggy mess, I almost feel like I can't think of anything but Mildred. Not something... it's just... her.

Even those annoying voices, videos or characters whatever the hell they are... they all turned into Mildreds. that... for some reason that makes me feel a little bit better, I think this at least feels natural with my going crazy arc. There is nothing more crazy than her.

-Why am I supposed to be crazy?

You are, you know I'm right.

-I said "am I" as a joke, silly, you know I'm just your consciousness.

I KNOW that you aren't. You showed me that yesterday.

-What do you mean?.

*sigh* well... I guess I'll have to spend some time while the hour finally comes.

Hey don't ignore me!. What do you mean?!. -------------------------------------------------------

This new woman that is supposed to be helping us has been talking with Alan from time to time inside the control room, but every time I see those conversations Madeline is always moving a little bit weird and making some weird faces.She always has a bottle of some yellow liquid with her while she is moving all over the room. It looks like apple juice but it also has a lot of bubbles, I don't think that is apple juice. I've seen her offer some of that juice to Alan while they're working on some kind of watch, He always refuses.

At first when she came with one of those bottles I saw Alan really pissed off, but after talking with her for some time he started to ignore all those things, she must have said something to convince him to let her be in that state.Even when she is acting all that funny, I see them working on that watch, and they don't seem to be having trouble. In fact, I think she seems more efficient while she is in that state? but I can't be for sure, I really can't tell what they're doing, I can only see a watch.

At least they don't seem tired or frustrated like I've seen Miss Cecile some times when she is working.

...

Oh, I thought about her again...

:(

-------------------------------------------

It's been ages to me but apparently it has been only 20 minutes since I told that stupid shadow to shut up.

-I'm not a shadow!.

I've been seen some stuff on the internet regarding sleep habits people have around the universe, some say that they can't sleep without their night light, others said they can't sleep if they aren't covered by their blanket.

And others, the most curious to me, said they can't sleep if they don't have their plushies or teddy bears.

I have been thinking about getting little toys like that for some time but I always end up convincing myself that those are an stupid investment and that I should stop thinking about that stuff.

However.

Perhaps now with the money that Alan gives me I could start my own collection of those little rascals. As to what kind of type of that category of toys I'll choose.... I have no idea. I like animals but I don't feel like getting a cat or dog plushie, and I don't have any ounce of care in the world for a teddy bear.

Hmmm.

-------------------------------------------

After a while they stop working on the watch, they both stand away and the watch suddenly starts sparkling a lot. It looks kinda pretty actually. They both stand further away the more it shines and I think I saw at some point Alan getting behind Madeline and hugging her, well it wasn't really a hug, if anything it looked more like he was using her like a human shield.

Suddenly, the whole room turned to orange, not orange enough to look like the fruit but orange enough to not look like yellow...

Or red.

From where I was standing it looked more like a bubble to me, it was kinda funny seeing a giant bubble, also both Alan and Madeline where inside and they looked a little distorted so that was extra funny too haha.

Then, Alan looked like he was testing how fast he could run. I saw him run like normal, I mean he looked not normal in general but that was because he was running quite silly .

Madeline stopped him mid way and started talking to him but she had her hand near hear mouth, she looked like she was thinking of something. I wish I knew how to read lips :(

Madeline suddenly touched the watch and that bubble went away, it didn't pop so I actually felt a little disappointed.

Then, both Madeline and Alan came inside my room and Madeline came really close to me again.

-Excuse me dear, would you be so kind as to give me one of your hairs?.

-One of my...?

I was really confused why she wanted that, I even tried to cover my hair because I thought they were going to cut my hair again and I really don't like it.

-Don't worry, we just need a single one, could you give us one?. It's for the machine we're making.

When Alan said it like that I felt a little bit more secure. I then grabbed and pulled one of my hairs. It came off really easily, but at the same time it stung a little bit, I almost started crying but I managed to get a hold of myself and stopped midway.

Although, I think They saw my teary eyes, Alan asked if I was okay and I had to convince him that it was just a little sting for like 20 minutes.

In the meantime while I was speaking with Alan, Madeline went to the control room and back, when she came back she had the watch on her hand, she pressed a button on the side and the watch opened from the middle, she put my hair inside, it shined blue for a moment and it closed itself up.

-So, did it work?

Alan said, he even stopped grabbing and moving my head.

-Hard to tell until we test it ourselves.

-I thought that was the test.

-Well, no, that was just the activation.

-Quite flashy for something turning on.

I said to them, I think it was rude to interrupt them but I really wanted to participate.

They both look at me and I feel a little bad but they didn't look mad so I think it was okay.

-Well... yes, but you can't tell me it looks rreeeeeally cool hehehe.

That was Madeline, she sounds weird.

Like she is dragging words and with a funny accent. I feel like asking her if she is ok but at the same time Alan doesn't seem to bother or notice it. So I guess this is normal in her?.

-So I guess we need to test it now don't we?.

-You can bet that you bozzoou.

She said that, I have no idea what she meant.

------------------------------

I've looked on the internet and apparently there is a "make a doll" store near my neighborhood. Weird, I've never seen those before.

I've never seen most if any store at all in general, I need to go out more.

Wait no what the hell I'm I thinking, I'm good not knowing these places.

The store looks weird, almost like it resembles what someone THINKS is a make a doll store. I used to think this is how they look until I saw one online. But we'll... apparently I was right from the very beginning.

Huh.

I mean, in the front there is a giant teddy bear in the roof, the image on the web didn't have that one... although I guess there is always the possibility that the image is old, I don't think there is someone always on the watch for when to update those. I'm pretty sure that if I look up my apartment online it will probably just show a wasteland.

Which to be honest, it is, no matter if it is the past or the future.

Still, I feel odd being here, like it's some kind of dungeon, one of those where there is almost no enemy inside but it's absolutely full of puzzles, really heavy and complicated ones.

I enter inside and I feel as if I'm trespassing a gate made of fog, I cross the automated doors that are also below an A.C, the ones that make it so heat can't cross the doors and it's always chill inside.

Oddly, there is no one else inside. There is no register, there is only one machine with a number pad and a some kind of plate, it was weird, but, when I saw the hole where you put your credit card the idea came clearly to me.

That is a station where you check the bill and you pay on your own.

That is why there is no cashier or people running the store, apparently you're supposed to do all the job.

I've heard of these kind of stores before and I gotta say, I'm quite surprised there is one of those near my street. It's not really a futuristic top of the line kind of street, but apparently the future is now.

The store itself seems quite... good, actually.

It's really cozy and warm, I feel like I'm in a gold field of strings and plushie fillings.

The store itself seems to be divided between sections, sections that depend in the type of material and thematic of the dolls.

I'm seeing amazing things, big candies. Animals. Cartoon characters. Even some obscure characters from a manga I have been reading since 6 years ago has a chibi character in the form of a plusie.

I kind of want to get that one but at the same time I don't really want to look so in love with cartoons and stuff.

It's weird, no body is going to enter my room... I hope so at least, but even then I still care for the public image of something that is most likely just going to be sitting on the edge of my bed on the sight of... no body, why do I care?. I shouldn't.

I need to watch if something feels not that... young I guess.

But the again I don't see myself getting something "mature", in fact, there is nothing mature about any of these, these are plushies for the love of god.

Just... you know what? I need to change myself for the better, I need to break the mold. And my mold is being... me.

I need to reach a new horizon, I'm going to become cute!.

I'm gonna have a pink room with some pink socks and my bed will be filled with an absolute TON of little cute animal plushies!.

IM GOING TO OPEN A SOCIAL MEDIA ACCO-.

*Cecile, actually, for real, starts throwing up on the spot.*

UUUUUGH what the- *gags a little* -Uogh Iugh *bleeeeh*.

Ok I'm not gonna... I'm not gonna do that *spits*.

Maybe just one is enough, one that is...

Huh. I won't decide, ever.

As I walk through the isles in the shop looking like I'm in some kind of maze, I stumblo upon my salvation, a wild card.

"Make your own plushie"

I hear the chants of angels in the air. The light on the store gets brighter and brighter. At the same time, one of the pipes in the wall breaks a little and the whole floor gets filled with steam. I feel like I'm walking in the clouds as I approach the gates of he- I mean the sawing machine.

Near it a bunch of different strings and buttons, all with different colours and shapes. Even different kind of filling so you can even customize how the plushie feels.

Now, i only need to think of what to do with all of this, what can I make that actually doesn't feel bad to have?.

-How about one of your friends?.

That is absolutely creepy, I won't do that.

-I would feel honored that one of my friends has a plushie of me.

You're not the whole world to speak for my friends

-I far as i know, I'm your only friend

That is factually wrong tho.

-I'm the only one you have speaked with for a long time. Your other "friends" don't even seem to care about you. Not even a call from them.

In fact, who is to say they haven't replaced you by now?.

The day you're coming back is on the corner now, but yet they still haven't talk to you about it, not even a confirmation.

I wouldn't do that to you? You know that.

I feel a hug from my back, I hold my urge to turn around and punch someone when I notice that is not my skin feeling the grab. My brain is giving me the ilusion of being touched.

The "phantom" of Mildred is uncomfortably hugging me from behind, face near my cheek and fully pushing herself to me.

I really want to ignore everything she just said, and try to just pretend that didn't happen.

However.

I feel a little glimpse of something inside me.

A little spark of doubt inside me.

What guarantees that I'm coming back?, why Alan doesn't call me?. Why do I need to start every single conversation with everyone. Why, of all the people, is Mildred the only other person I have talked to since the last phone call. And that was like 3 or 4 days ago. I haven't gotten a single call or glimpse of anyone on the facility, I've been radio silent for so many hours. To me it feels like days with this stupid thing in my head that doesn't even let me concentrate.

Have they forgotten about me?.

Gustave hasn't that is for sure, I can feel her hatred still inside of my bones.

Alan... I think he has.

Has she... forgotten about me?.

If I came back to the room with her, will she still have that smile and brightness in her face?. Or will she just don't care if I'm there?...

...

Why does that scare me?.

Why do I fear about what she will think about me?.

Why do I have that urge inside me to see her smile once more.

That urge To know...

I need to know if she still loves me.

*during Cecile's thoughts, the shadow of Mildred seems more and more annoyed. *

-Ok that is enough, there's no need to doubt that much to build a plushie, come on.

The shadow pushes me from behind my back and I almost hit myself with the table that holds the machine.

-Just build the doll already, you know how I look, hehe.

The shadow smiles and winks at me. Not maliciously, but the kind of pose and smile you'll use in a photo.

I open the compartment that includes all the materials.

I make the image of Mildred in my head, a blurry mess barely having form, but slowly and surely getting more and more accurate to the actual image of her.

While I think of her I try to imagine the light that would be displaying over her. A green one, a white one, a yellow one. None seems to fit to my image I have of Mildred in my mind.

After y try almost every single dot in the CMYK chart I have in my head I end up in cyan.

The light completely shadows Mildred's image and another shadow appears directly in front of the light, however it doesn't obscure the light, it doesn't feel like it Wants to.

It's just... sitting there in the center of the light almost as if producing it. The shape is clear there is no blur in it. I walk towards it in the void of darkness inside my head

-Hey, where are you going?.

I hear a distorted voice tell me from behind, and I can tell from what I can distinguish in all the static, that is mildred.

As I approach the shadow I can see more and more light coming from it. The light is strong, however, it doesn't hurt to look at, even though my eyes are hyper sensitive since a couple of days ago.

I feel the warmth in my skin and a feeling of coziness.

I finally end up right in front of the silhouette I can see clearly that it was Faraday all along. She is sitting there, looking at the ground while drawing stuff with her finger. It's not ground she is touching but the "space" itself, as she moves her finger a white trail appears from her finfertip. She is making drawings I can figure out since the trail disappears constantly.

She doesn't seem to even notice me.

-Faraday...

I mumble to myself, she turns to face me.

My heart aches for a second as I see the indifference in her face.almost as if a stranger was talking to her.

However, it all seemed like she was trying to get a glimpse of me while she was flashed due to the light.

-Hi miss Cecile!.

She says with a smile and waving her hand at me close to her chest. Almost looking like a child.

My whole being trembles for a moment.

My body enters autopilot, I can't even see what am I doing in the machine, my eyes are shut close and I can't open them even if I try to.

I only feel my hands moving and hear the sounds of the sawing machine.

After what I think were 30 minutes and constant bleeding from my fingertips (I shouldn't have closed my eyes)

I feel my body stops and holding something in front of me.

I open my eyes.

The black hair contrasting with the orange of the pants.

Those blue cyan eyes looking at me.

That smile.

I love it.

I genuinely adore this plushie. It is so cute!.

Faraday has something in her that just makes me adore how cute she is.

Is it perhaps her eyes?. Actually I think it is her smi-.

-Grrrraaaa.

I hear a heavy grunt coming from behind, it clearly was Mildred's shadow.

Hehe it can move it's arms!. It's sho cuuuuute.

____________

-So, we need you to start running.

-Running to... where?.

-Oh right, you're in a cage hahahahaha- *Alan bumps her arm* -ouch!... Sorry.

- Just run a little bit inside the cage, bounce on the walls if you need to, we just need you to speed up in general.

- Ok but how fast?.

- As fast as you can... Wait no just... A little bit, we're still testing things.

-Oookaay, I'll try.

I start jumping from side to side and when i finally get enough speed I jump to one of the cage's walls, and then bounce to another and so on.

While I was jumping the clock started to glow blue, but suddenly it turned to orange again, at the same time it turned orange the bubble appeared again. I was looking at Madeline and Alan standing still, mostly because I was going too fast, but when the bubble appeared they slowly started moving and following me with their eyes.

-fffffaaaaarrrraaday?.

Alan tried to say my name but it was slow at first and started to get faster every second.

-Alan?.

-Faraday!. Oh my god it works!.

-Wooooo it wooooorks *Mildred drinks everything in the bottle in one sip*.

LETS GOOOOOOOOOO! *she then throws the bottle to the ground, shattering it*

-Alright calm down Milly.

-Sowwy hehe.

-So, this is how you view the world uh?. Little lightnings coming from you, sparkles starting from everywhere, and it's all slowed down.

Kinda feels like I'm in space.

Oh you can touch the ground again, no need to keep jumping haha.

I jump to the ground in the center of the cage, and walk towards Alan, I'm still using my lightnings tho.

-Isn't it weird?, you're "walking" yet all of this is happening in a fraction of a second.

-How are you guys doing that?.

-This little thing right here is the answer. Although we still don't know how much will it last.

-I don't think that uses battery's... Does it?.

-Noup, I considered that actually but they only had AAA's here. - interrupted madeline.-

-So what is giving it energy?.

-A star- said Mildred, calmly, like it mean nothing.

-A... A star?.

-Yep, a shrinked one, one of the seven helped me shrinking it with gravity, this little baby is BARELY not a black hole. It needed 1G extra for that.

Alan seemed surprised when she said that, I think she didn't tell him that, he even side walked a little to get a little more distance between him and the watch.

-But don't worry it'll be fiiiiiine.

(I think at least...)

-So, when you're running this is how you see us?.

-Actually I see everyone standing still and everything around me being really slow.

-Hmmm this is quite interesting. I'll need to show this to that other doctor, how was her name again?. Sofie or something? I dunno.

-It's Cecile.

I had the urge to correct her but I still feel bad for doing so.

-Oh right, Cecile.

-Sorry...

-No need to be sorry little girl, I'm not exactly at a 100% on my brain right now hehehe.

She pats me in the head. It felt nice.

-Now, I need you stop doing that speedy thing to see IF this thing shuts down.

-W-whait what do you mean "If"?!. Didn't you put a switch on it?. Said Alan, worried.

-I kinda forgot about that one, but the auto On/Off SHOULD work.

-Should...

-Enough complaints!. Faraday, hit it!!.

-... Hit what?, I don't want to hit anything : (.

-You won't be hitting anything don't worry, what I mean is do what I sakes you in the first place.

-O-oh ok.

I stop the lightnings coming from me and I feel everything else speeding up again. At the same time, the bubble shrinks and the light stops.

When the watch completely shuts down I see Alan agitated and Mildred getting in her knees.

-Wooo what the- oooooh geez. Ugh!.

-It seems... It seems like the device casts a heavy physical -*Throws up for real*- ughh *spits* a heavy physical wear on the user.

-Uhm are you guys okay? I'm starting to get a little nervous.

-O-oh don't worry little girl, this wear seems to only be of the "tired" one. At least I myself don't feel any internal organ damage.

How about you fam?.

-I'm good... I think, just tired... God I can't move my legs I feel like I've ran a marathon .

-Wooo I feel the same. Actually I think throwing up made me sober again, I'll go get another beer, you want something?.

She says to Alan, who is kneeling and holding to the cage while desperately trying to grab some air.

-W-water...

- 2 beers then. I'll be back.

___________

While I was at the park playing with the Faraday plushie the time came for my date with Mildred. As I reached the restaurant I saw her standing in the entrance, however she was looking extremely down and sad. Looking at the ground while whipping her eyes from time to time.

-Ehm, are you alright?.

-...

-Mildred?

-*sniff*...

- I'll asume that you're not alright, tell me what happened, another one of your panic attacks?.

-... *Sniff* No...

-Uh? Then what's wrong?.

She was grabbing her bag, when I asked her thati can see her firmly grabbing it, like if she was furiously closing her fist. But instead of anger, I only saw her teary eyes.

- *sniff* I can't.... I can't do it!!.

She screams into the air, all while letting her tears run wild.

-M-mildred what is wrong?.

-I-I can't do it!. I don't wanna do it!.

-Do what? What's wrong?.

-They... She asked me to kill you!.

-W-what?.

My heart skips a beat, I instinctively back up from her, expecting the worst. My body is now in fight or flight response.

-Who asked you to do that?.

-Gustave did it.

I FUCKING KNEW IT!.

-Listen i-... I don't know what you're gonna do but trust me there is no need for you to do that.

-I won't do it!. I hate her so much for asking me to so such a thing. I won't do it I don't wanna do it I... I domwanna-...

She tears up even more, I hear her voice breaking more and more.

As I try to approach her to hug her and try to calm her down, she looks at me for a second and she banishes from my sight. At the same time I noticed that everyone around me looks confused. I look everywhere to see where she is but I can't see anything.

She disappeared.